DNU1 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You must find the TRUTH! Snoop her...and snoop her completely. And DO NOT TELL HER you are looking...she will just take this further underground. Snoop her because you deserve to know the truth! Search this site for snooping methods: snoop her phone, her texts, GPS her car, keylog her computer, read her e-mails, do everything you can to find out the TRUTH! Flexispy saved my life...it was the single greatest thing I ever purchased, period. I was living a lie that my ExWW fabricated to keep me under her thumb and control. i would still be living that lie, and she would still be sleeping with OM#4 if I had not snooped her. You MUST DO THIS! Only then can you know for sure the extent of her affair and make decisions based on the truth. And count yourself lucky...you have no kids, only married a year...you can make a clean break. Guys like me (two kids) will always be tied to our EXs. Snoop, snoop, snoop...
Richard Friedman Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure I'll look back at the events unfolding and advise someone in exactly the same way, but at the moment it's not that simple. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. Soulmate? The hell is that? There are 150 million women in this country, out of which you've dated maybe a couple dozen(if that). This belief that there is one women you are perfectly compatible with and no one else can come close is pure nonsense It's meant for disney movies and teenage girls. There will be some women who you are more compatible with and some not so much. There is no ONE. Stop being a deluded fool and get some self respect. If she's chasing other cock already when she's supposed to be most in love with then where will you be 7 years from now? Honestly you're better of starting a porn website with her as the feature performer than trying to "salvage this" pleasebangmywife.com has a nice ring to it. 1
whereloveisnot Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure I'll look back at the events unfolding and advise someone in exactly the same way, but at the moment it's not that simple. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. It's not simple or easy. But the soulmate stuff? Not really. I have one rule for being in a relationship - always be able to picture yourself without that person in your life. If you can't do that, then you can easily wind up a doormat, accepting the unacceptable out of fear of losing them. If you do that, I can promise you that the person you think is your soulmate will lose all respect for you. For women, that means love. That's a life choice. Good luck, and I do feel for your turmoil and pain.
Author albertdexter Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 Thanks everyone for your advice. So I have confronted her, she denied it, only saying that he tried something on. It got very tough, she kept denying and we ended up going round in circles. I still don't have a game plan which I know I should have, but it's all in the open now which feels better. She said she would leave, I wanted her to stay and talk. There were a lot of tears. This is the hardest thing I've even been through. I accept the concept of a soulmate is a fantasy. We are going to continue to talk tonight, right now I don't know what to do. I know what you'll all say, get a grip, get out, give up on this, and rationally I know this is the only option, but at the moment I can't get this through my thick skull, I'm just not being rationale
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 She will deny it to her grave. I will say get a grip and get out but I won't tell you off about it. It's not an easy thing to do, I know. You don't have to do anything in such a short timescale. Take time to let it sink in and rationalize. And THEN kick the cheating b!tch out!!!
YellowShark Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) Do not tell her how you know. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth.Thanks everyone for your advice. So I have confronted her, she denied it, only saying that he tried something on. It got very tough, she kept denying and we ended up going round in circles. I still don't have a game plan which I know I should have, but it's all in the open now which feels better. She said she would leave, I wanted her to stay and talk. There were a lot of tears. This is the hardest thing I've even been through. I accept the concept of a soulmate is a fantasy. We are going to continue to talk tonight, right now I don't know what to do. I know what you'll all say, get a grip, get out, give up on this, and rationally I know this is the only option, but at the moment I can't get this through my thick skull, I'm just not being rationale Yup. You confronted her. She denied it. You didn't back down. She began to trickle-truth that "he tried something on." (Meanwhile you read her emails albertdexter and know that's total crap.) Then came the crocodile tears. Right out of the cheaters handbook. Yes, it *is* very hard and emotional to find out your wife has thrown you under a bus and is now lying to you. It's devastating. But don't let your emotional side overwhelm your rational side. A quote I lived by during my breakup - (I caught her in-the-act with a good married friend) - was "less gravy MORE steel." It really helped me stay sane during a very difficult and heartbreaking period. (edited to add) Normally I would recommend counselling to try to save the marriage. But I have to say that in this case - since she is already cheating in the first year of marriage - I would be VERY VERY worried what she could do by year 7,8,9,10... Edited July 7, 2011 by YellowShark
Owl Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 This is why confronting without a gameplan is a bad idea. Now she knows you're on to her. She's going to take greater lengths to hide the affair, she's going to be much more wary, and she's going to start going crazy trying to figure out where you got your information. Bottom line, it's put her guard up, but not accomplished much of anything else. It's probably prolonged how long it's going to take to get this situation resolved, one way or another. So here's my suggestion. Sit down, breathe, and start working out a goal and a plan to achieve your goal. You need to stop and make a decision...is this situation salveagable, or not. Can this marriage actually become what I want...or not. Figure that out...figure out your goal (divorce or rebuild the marriage), and then figure out what steps have to happen to reach your goal. Come up with a plan to accomplish those steps. Focus on working through that right now. Let her slip into a false sense of security that she reassured you and that you no longer suspect her while you do this...and then take whatever action you need to once you've worked this all out.
What_Next Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Of course she denied it, of course she trickle-truthed. What else did you expect? That is what cheaters do. Gather ALL the proof you need, ALL OF IT. As was suggested, snoop, VAR, GPS, you name it. Hell hire a PI if you need to. Get all that proof, line it all up. Then decide what you want to do. Only then show your hand. Tears, what a line of bull____. What a complete line of bull___.
PegNosePete Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Gather ALL the proof you need, ALL OF IT. As was suggested, snoop, VAR, GPS, you name it. Hell hire a PI if you need to. Get all that proof, line it all up. Then decide what you want to do. Only then show your hand. I would say the other way around. albert, you know 100% that she has cheated. Decide what YOU want to do first. If that is divorce then you don't need to bother gathering evidence, you just tell her it's over and file. If you want to reconcile then gathering evidence might help force her to be honest. But really if she can't be honest without proof being rubbed in her face then I wouldn't hold much hope for your reconciliation...
YellowShark Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I would say the other way around. albert, you know 100% that she has cheated. Decide what YOU want to do first. If that is divorce then you don't need to bother gathering evidence, you just tell her it's over and file. If you want to reconcile then gathering evidence might help force her to be honest. But really if she can't be honest without proof being rubbed in her face then I wouldn't hold much hope for your reconciliation... Ya. Normally I wouldn't tell someone what they should do with their marriage. But the red flags on this one are pretty hard to ignore. 1) Cheating in the first year of marriage and 2) a complete lack of will by her to fess up and take ownership when she's been busted. It shows me that albertdexter's wife is a minefield, and will bring him nothing but pain. Alas, the final decision is up to albertdexter, only he knows what's best.
Darren Steez Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You saw undeniable proof something happened, then you go to her and ask her to tell you the truth? This is a person who has been duplicitous with you, she lied to you and deceived you and QUITE consciously planned and pursued a relationship with someone else...now you're asking her to fess up, what do you expect her to say? Of course she's going to lie because you are lying to her to about how you came by the information. You want her to come clean then you also have to be honest..f*ck it, you snooped through her stuff, because you knew something was wrong, and you found what you were looking for. Don't be such a push over, be strong. She cheated and it must be a shock but you continue with this gently gently approach it will get you nowhere. You seem to be a real passive dude, and she knows this and she will play you, as she has been doing all along while she's been f*cking this man who dumped her because she got too clingy. She banged another dude and she's not going to tell you she did it because she's protecting her ass! Ask her why she f*cked him because she sure did, then you will get to the root of your problem, otherwise you're just dancing around the issue and she'll deny it till high heaven.
rafallus Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You can't be like "Did you cheat on me?", more like "So, you cheated on me. Too late to lie your way out of this, I know everything". Bluff, if you need to.
waytogo Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You can't be like "Did you cheat on me?", more like "So, you cheated on me. Too late to lie your way out of this, I know everything". Bluff, if you need to. Wholeheartedly agree! AD, I'm so sorry for your sitch. 7 yrs together, even if 'only' 1 yr married is a big deal and alot of investment. IMHO, 1 day of marraige is a big deal. Please be prepared for her to look for any shortcoming in you as a reason for what she's done. Remember, she has a HUGE shortcoming you do not. When something felt wrong in your M you looked for reasons, not an AP. Even when you found OM you are still M repair oriented. That's actually pretty sweet; but you still have to look out for you 'cause she isn't right now. If I screwed up so royally, I'd love to think my H would 1st be thinking of his love for me and repair options. What I may love more is his self-respect. The door slamming would probably echo for a very long time followed by the sound of crickets. Do not tip your hand of how you know anything. You know and that's all she needs to know. It's not like she shared vital info of your marriage with you. Hopefully you will decide your boundaries. If she won't respectfully meet them, there are plenty of faithful women who share your values. Not to say you can just jump from this to a 'worthwhile R' tomorrow. Down the road after you heal from this you could find a much better sitch. Hugs to you
YellowShark Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You want her to come clean then you also have to be honest..f*ck it, you snooped through her stuff, because you knew something was wrong, and you found what you were looking for.You can't be like "Did you cheat on me?", more like "So, you cheated on me. Too late to lie your way out of this, I know everything". Bluff, if you need to. I would just sit her down and say "I know about ______________." "What are we going to do about it because I did not marry you to share you with other men." Of course any guilty party will begin with denial. But like a cop interrogating a suspect you don't loose your cool, and don't reveal *how* you know about the "crime." (especially when you have hard evidence - see; emails in this case) How you found out is irrelevant to the issue at hand. It doesn't unrung the affair bell, it only gives the cheater ammunition to then wack you over the head with the "how dare you invade my privacy" derail, and shut down. He invaded her privacy because she was cheating on him and was hiding it.
waytogo Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I would just sit her down and say "I know about ______________." "What are we going to do about it because I did not marry you to share you with other men." Of course any guilty party will begin with denial. But like a cop interrogating a suspect you don't loose your cool, and don't reveal *how* you know about the "crime." (especially when you have hard evidence - see; emails in this case) How you found out is irrelevant to the issue at hand. It doesn't unrung the affair bell, it only gives the cheater ammunition to then wack you over the head with the "how dare you invade my privacy" derail, and shut down. He invaded her privacy because she was cheating on him and was hiding it. Bolded very true. "I wouldn't have cheated if YOU weren't someone who would invade my privacy". No matter which happened 1st. Why does 1 need privacy from spouse anyway?
rafallus Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 That privacy thing looks seriously overrated to me, actually. Sure, in principle everyone has right to one, but why go out of your way to hide it from your spouse? It shows, that WS doesn't trust the BS either, so their argument is 100% pure mootness.
waytogo Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 That privacy thing looks seriously overrated to me, actually. Sure, in principle everyone has right to one, but why go out of your way to hide it from your spouse? It shows, that WS doesn't trust the BS either, so their argument is 100% pure mootness. I want to understand your post Raf, but I'll be honest, I don't. Actually don't believe you are saying that WS strays from BS due WS's lack of trust of BS yet it could read this way. I'll leave it to you to clarify if you wish :-)
rafallus Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 No, I meant to say, that when WS goes out of his/her way to hide an affair, this very act of hiding can be interpreted as lack of trust (to the BS this time) - most obviously not trusting, how BS will react. Same goes for not telling the truth when confronted on the spot.
Entropy3000 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. This is easy. It's called buyers remorse. She wants out? Let her go. Absolutely do not have children ... yet.
PegNosePete Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Woe betide anyone who tried to play the invasion of privacy card on me. If I confronted and she tried that as a defence, I know exactly what my reply would be. "Sex is supposed to be private in a marriage. You invaded my privacy when you banged another dude." Would like to see anyone try to argue their way out of that one!
KathyM Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Infidelity is the worst thing that could ever happen in a marriage. It's a total betrayal of trust that can never truly be restored. I would suggest a divorce at this point. You deserve to be with someone you can trust.
Jason Todd Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Infidelity is the worst thing that could ever happen in a marriage. It's a total betrayal of trust that can never truly be restored. I would suggest a divorce at this point. You deserve to be with someone you can trust. Damn straight.
KathyM Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 File for divorce dude. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. Exactly. File for divorce. You deserve better. You deserve someone you can trust.
yawn_interrupted Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 (edited) I neeed some advice please! My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end What do I do? OP, where do you see any hope in this marriage? She wants out. The real reason why she didn't say 'I want to finish this marriage' yet is because her affair partner was dumping her. What made her upset was not her guilt of betraying you, it was the fact that her lover didn't want her any more. You clearly know that. When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk...? You really need to let go of this whole thing. You deserve much better than this. Edited July 12, 2011 by yawn_interrupted
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