albertdexter Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I neeed some advice please! My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end What do I do?
YellowShark Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 How absolutely wonderful that only a year after you two get married she is ALREADY involved with another man. What a b1tch. I would sit her down and ask her to explain why "she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life" now.. when 12 months ago she wanted to get married. See what her answer is. Don't play your hand that you *know* about the other man. If she is deceptive and lies about the affair then you have your answer... you married a cheater. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road.
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 File for divorce dude. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys.
NervisPervis Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Do EVERYONE a favor and don't have kids until this is resolved. This is easy. It's called buyers remorse. She wants out? Let her go.
Author albertdexter Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks everyone for your messages. Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. She didn't say anything about the affair. If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? Probably not. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse.
golightly Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 My heart goes out to you... You have to face this full on. If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. You will never be able to trust her, you'll be constantly checking up on her, whenever you are apart you will be torturing yourself with what she may be doing... what kind of marriage is that??? She doesn't deserve you.. You need to confront her. If you really think she will change then I have huge admiration for you, but it'll be a rough journey and you need to be able to be open with each other. Wishing you all the best x
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? Maybe you're in the "bargaining" phase? As your wife she shouldn't be f*cking other dudes should she? but I know then my world will collapse. Dude, your "world" has already collapsed. What you thought was your world is actually not the truth at all. She is not the woman you thought she was. You need to divorce her right now. Get out now and you should retain most of your assets. What do you think she would do if you were having an affair? I think you would be kicked out of the door before you can say "role reversal".
Author albertdexter Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought) Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. Does that make any difference? Should I wait to see the outcome of that? Or am I simply deluding myself?
whammy Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 your so beta! its frustrating... just stop! roll out! and go bang other women! jesus...
Bryanp Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 My friend you are in big time denial. You will now need to get tested for STD's as well as your wife. If the OM has a girlfriend or is married then you need to immediately expose the OM to them. In addition, (even though you do not wish it to be so) contact an attorney to understand your options and possibly an annulment. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Nobody and I repeat nobody respects a doormat. I wish you luck and stop being afraid.
What_Next Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 At 1 year? No kids? You haven't mentioned your age. My only advice is get out NOW. Get a lawyer and get this over with and move on.
PegNosePete Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. Are you sure it's a councillor not a solicitor? You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce.
Mimolicious Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) Thanks everyone for your messages. Before I found out the truth we had a long talk and I said she could tell me anything, and that we could work it out. She didn't say anything about the affair. If she wants to end the relationship why doesn't she tell me? Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? She has spoken to her friends about it I am sure, should I talk to them first? Probably not. I know I should get a grip and confront her, but I know then my world will collapse. Babe, in case you have not noticed (not your "world") but your M has collapsed. If I can only bottle a dosage of reality and sell it... FACK! WAKE UP! "Be there" for someone that wants to be with another person? You haven't even been M that long! I want to slap you! lol! If you only knew the painful path you're about to walk... it's actually more painful that if you just walk away. Edited July 5, 2011 by Mimolicious
Author albertdexter Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? Does it make a difference? I'm still scared as hell though!
Owl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks everyone for your advice, this is really helping me - I think this is what I needed - a bit of a slap! Over analysing this is doing my head in - I need to take action, however painful. The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? Does it make a difference? I'm still scared as hell though! Nope, don't tell her how you know. Tell her that you KNOW...point blank, irrefutably. If she INSISTS on evidence, ask her why she needs to see the evidence. Make it CLEAR that you're aware of the truth...but be vague on details. You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. But...be prepared for her to deny and deny and deny until confronted with that proof. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. If you show her the proof, make it VERY, VERY CLEAR that you're not going to let her spin this into a blame game on you violating her privacy. KEEP IT FOCUSED ON HER ACTIONS, NOT YOURS. But...what do you intend to do with this confrontation? Convince her to quit cheating, and work on the marriage? Insist on divorce? Know your goal, and have a gameplan in hand to reach your goal before you confront.
Author albertdexter Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Thanks @owl - that's really useful. TBH I don't know what my game plan is. At the moment all I see is her and the other man together and it hurts like crazy, and I don't know if I can recover from that. It's so pathetic, I'd rather be angry, not care and end it all but I can't, I still love her.
manup Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. A. She cheated on you the first year. B. She cheated on you the first year. C. You are a wimp. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. E. There are better women out there. Love is really just chemical responses in the brain. I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person.
Owl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. I'd also add that if she's cheated this early into the relationship...then honestly your chances of being married to a potential serial cheater are pretty high. As much as you love her...you might well be better off without her in your life, given what all has gone on. The choice is yours...I'm just cautioning you that infidelity this early in the marriage...before any real problems or pressure have come to bear on her...is a real bad sign. If it happens now...what happens five years from now when the bills are piling up and she's dealing with a two year old in the house? Ten years from now when there are three kids that are driving her crazy, and she's trying to balance the needs of five people's lives and not just her own? I don't mean to be doom and gloom...and I'm not going to call you a whimp or any other such nonsense...but I would seriously suggest that you keep this all in mind when you try to decide on your goal. As hard as it is...you're probably better cutting your losses now rather than later.
Author albertdexter Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Go get a big steak, go lift some weights and then think about this. A. She cheated on you the first year. B. She cheated on you the first year. C. You are a wimp. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. E. There are better women out there. Love is really just chemical responses in the brain. I find knowing this makes life decisions much easier. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure I'll look back at the events unfolding and advise someone in exactly the same way, but at the moment it's not that simple. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here.
Binster Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. You should though really consider geting out - one year in, no kids = get out. Sorry mate just the way it is. Also definately dont tell how you know - it's none of her business and it's imaterial anyway plus it just gives her a chance to turn things on you.
YellowShark Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 The first thing she'll ask is how I know - should I reveal this? Does it make a difference? Do not reveal how you know. Why? Because she will turn the tables on you and claim she can't trust you because you snooped. Cheater 101 dude. She'll use your snooping as her defence... oldest play in the cheater's handbook. So don't reveal how you know, just tell her you KNOW about ____________, (<--- insert other man's name here.) Then watch her deny, deny, deny... then when you don't budge, she'll begin to trickle truth about the other man, and then will come her crocodile tears. Sorry to say but time to grab a spine and MAN UP. Don't let this woman use you as a doormat or she will cheat on you again. It totally sucks what she did after only a year of marriage.
Bronco Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) I neeed some advice please! My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. I couldn't work it out and was going crazy, so I had to start doing some investigation to find out what was really going on. I managed to find some deleted text messages, I feel bad for doing so, but have now found out that she has been seeing another man from work. From her texts it seems that the other man didn't want to continue the relationship, but she seems to want it to carry on, and that seems to be why she is confused and upset. I love her so much and am scared to confront her about it for fear of what may happen, I suppose I'm hoping if I ignore it she will get over it and everything will go back to normal, but I know deep down that this is naive and weak. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end What do I do? Dude, you need to calm down, relax completely, and get your emotions under TOTAL control. You are spirally completely out of control here. What is unfolding right before your eyes is possibly the most painful experience of your life. Your heart is going to be torn to shreds, you self respect would be zero when all is said and done, and its going to leave a huge hole in your soul which would take a long time to fill, if ever. Its normal to feel the way you are feeling, and to lose the grip with reality. Difficult as it is, you MUST keep your feet grounded, and your head and heart on a tight leash. Do NOT confront your sweet wife with anything. Do not upset the poor girl. Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. If she is spreading her legs and orifices wide for him to fine tune her plumbing on a daily basis, so be it. Keep your emotions under complete control. Give your wife a sweet hug when she leaves for office. When she returns home with her cum stained panty underneath, please hug her again, and tell her how much you love her, and how she is the apple of your eye. She must NOT grow suspicious that her loving, devoted, starry eyed hubby has a clue about someone else lubricating her plumbing every day. Never. Act absolutely normal with her, her relations, her friends, coworkers, and any mutual friends. Under no circumstance should you lose your temper, or get violent. NEVER. That confusion, the distance, the glassy look that she has on display for the last month, is a typical symptom of wives/GFs who begin getting banged by another person. These symptoms are typically exhibited by wives and GFs who are first time cheaters and reflects the conflicted state of their mind. So atleast you have that going for you. Your loving wife is not a seasoned serial cheater...at least not as yet. None of that should affect you however. You must stay calm, confident, loving, as always. Next, you must contact a good PI (Private Investigator/detective). Many of them come specialized in the art of 'spousal cheating', and would be more than happy to render their services and time to you, for a fee which is reasonable. This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. Dont think twice about it, or nickle and dime over it. In any case several excellent PIs offer their services at reasonable monetary consideration. When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. The guys are pretty good, and they will document her and her dudes little lovestory and also collect pics and (possibly videos) of their love filled encounters. They use tracking devices to keep a tab on the love birds and their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences. Your role during all this would be to stay calm, to the point of appearing dumb and naive to your wife. That is all. When the PI is done with his job, he will have a watertight folder of documentary evidence that nails her infedility. Incontrovertible proof. At that point, you have 90% of the battle won. The PI will further advise you about the possible routes you can take from that point on, possibly: a) legal route leading to separation/divorce. (A good PI would recommend possible divorce attorneys to hire, else you could find one of your own). b) Making point a) above, redundant...wherein you and your attorney so shame her with a few select documentary evidences of her picadilloes (promising her that a much larger cache evidence is available with your attorney), that she decides not to contest the divorce, and virtually signs on dotted lines. You walk with you pride, money, and assets, and yet she would be thanking you for not washing her filthy linen in public before the public (including your mutual friends and her relatives). c) Reconciliation...that is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). Even so, now you could get her to reconcile on YOUR TERMS. Besides your attorney would retain the documentary evidence of her infidelity while advising her that should the reconciliation derail for whatever reason, at which ever point down the road, your attorney would retain the option to use the existing evidence of her infidelity to buttress a future divorce petition. As you already admitted, given the situation find yourself in, your self confidence is broken, you can not think straight, and your mind is just going crazy trying to make sense of it all. You are wondering if she will get banged by that dude today or not. Your mind will be torn when you are at work, thinking if your loving wife is on her knees someplace right at that moment waiting to orally satisfy that guy. Its normal to go mad with such painful thoughts. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. Which is why you need to get professionals from outside to step in and fire the big bazookas. While you continue to play the dumb, trusting, naive husband. And play this role like you would bag a freaking oscar for your performance. When you have all your ducks in a row, have gone past the PI phase, moved on with the evidence to an attorney, and the attorney has compiled it all together and made the initial moves and it is time to serve her the papers, you must still be nonchalant and appear ignorant about the giant moves underway. Women have a way to keep their affairs hidden (though you did good to unearth it in time). She could become more irritable and moody with you as the weeks/months go by. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. Be pliant and outwardly considerate. Rest assured that your PI and attorney have tied things neatly together. She outsmarted you by destroying your trust, your love, and the vows you took together to love and cherish eachother till the end of time...which lasted less than a year. Its your turn to return the favor. To outsmart her and pretend, while your team gets on her case. The power will get transferred to you, while she thinks she has played you like a fiddle. She hasn't. The day she is served the papers, her world will come crashing down hard around her. Like a Japanese Tsunami on steroids when she least expects it. That is the time when she would come crawling to you. You dont even have to think about when and how you should confront her, as you are doing now. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. You! You would then dictate from a position of power, absolute power. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). Think, coolly about these options. Patience is a virtue, especially under the most trying circumstances. I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. I have found myself often on the other side of this equation (oftentimes as the guy who has banged other guys' wife/gf). Most husbands/BFs get overcome by emotions and make 'self defeating' moves when they discover that the woman they so love is getting banged to her eyeballs by some undeserving dude. Surprisingly, some husbands, end up hoping and accepting a stalemate where the wife settles down into an 'equilibrium' balancing her husbands' physical needs with that of the 'other guy' or 'other guys'. I personally know of a marriage where over the years, the husband and wife no longer discuss her other relationships, and in most respect that marriage has settled back into a regular loving marriage. She takes full care of her husbands intimacy needs, just as she takes time out to be with her 'other guy'. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. With her 'bf' (the 'other guy') she is the $lut she always wanted to be, and has experienced multi men orgies etc which is simply unthinkable for her to imagine with her husband. In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. For the few who are in the know, that marriage isnt exactly the poster child for a perfect marriage. But it seems to be working for all parties concerned...the other guy, the wife, and strangely the husband as well, who despite her infidelity is still a very loving and devoted husband. We call the hubby a 'cuckolded husband'. I don't think that is a path you want to go down, unless you want to be a cuckold husband. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. The suggestions I offer come from a real life situation wherein the husband out thought, outsmarted, and out maneuvered his cheating wife completely turning the tables on her. Let me repeat, do not confront your loving wife. Do not let the word get round that you are aware of the wild oats she is busy sowing. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. Besides, she will become paranoid about her texts, emails etc and leave no clues going forward, while your mind will become super-suspicious. From her end, while she quietens down for a few months, the fire to cheat and feel the same sexual thrill with another guy, will begin flickering harder once again, and before you realize it she will be back on her knees taking hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and in between meals as well. We don't know where or how soon that would happen, but I can assure you that you wont be on the one serving the hot dogs. Before that happens, you need to serve her the papers. Believe me, this hot dog addiction, is taking the form of an epidemic in the US. You don't want anything to do with it, and must consider quitting your marriage before wifey's fascination for strange hot dogs takes epidemic proportions. Stop hoping, praying, reasoning, panicking, dreaming. Start planning and executing on your plans. To reclaim your self respect. And your life. Without her in it. You deserve to be a man again. You deserve better. I wish you the best of luck. Edited July 6, 2011 by Bronco
manup Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Maybe I am a wimp, I'm here for advice and I can't help the way I feel. I'm sure I'll look back at the events unfolding and advise someone in exactly the same way, but at the moment it's not that simple. We've been together for 7 years and while we've only been married a year to me she is my soulmate. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. @owl thank you for your advice, it is really helping. Ignoring this is not an option, it will only eat away at me. Damn this is hard, I'm glad you are all here. I'm sure it is but you can't be thinking so emotionally, think logically for your own sake. A few IMPORTANT things. 1) Are there kids? 2) Are you assets protected? 3) DO NOT TELL HER YOU KNOW PERIOD 4) If you divorce use infidelity as the reason and DO NOT TELL HER!!! if she lies to a judge about the affair and you have evidence than you have her on perjury. This seems cut throat, but will help you if a custody battle comes up. Think about yourself man, it's all you can do.
Author albertdexter Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. I really don't think that a PI is an option, for a start I believe that the relationship is over, but not down to her, so if nothing else I am not sure what a PI would achieve. @manup I'm not sure how I can proceed without telling her, surely that is the next step to confront her about the affair. There are no kids and assets are minimal so that is not my concern.
PegNosePete Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Do not tell her how you know. To this day my ex wife does not know how I found out. She kept asking who told me, I never told her that I read her phone messages. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. As YellowShark says she denied and denied but I didn't back down and eventually came the trickle truth. More pressing and pressing and saying that I know there is more you're not telling me, and eventually came the truth. I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. ETA: Bronco... WTF!!! TL;DR, but he does not need a PI, he has all the proof he needs. He just needs to do it.
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