That Lady Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Im 31 and he is 35. Met 4 months ago. He pursued me. Would call and text consistently and has up until this point. And we typically see each other anywhere from 1-3 times a week. He has been divorced for over a year and half. About 2 months into it, he said he didn't know if he was ready for a committed relationship but that he still wanted to spend time with me and continue getting to know me. He started telling me how much he really liked me and liked being around me. He then started saying that he can see himself in a relationship with me and that he definitely wanted a relationship with me. 2 weeks ago, he was over at my place and we were just talking and kissing. We always have a good time together. The vibe is always positive and our communication is open. He's gotten to were he kisses me anytime we are together. And I finally said, "we might as well just go ahead and do this." (meaning make things official) and he just looked at me and said "yeah, you're right. Yeah. It was going to happen anyways. You don't read between the lines very well. You're my baby. It's official" Well, I haven't seen him since that day. (2 weeks ago) We talked on the phone and texted for the past 2 weeks about how we miss each other and just general conversation. Well, this past Thursday, he promised to come over. He even called me when he got off work and said he was going to run home and take a shower and unhitch his trailer from his truck. Well, a couple of hours passed, and I never heard from him. I called him and his phone was turned off. And then I called twice the next day. No answer, no callback. This is now the 4th day that I haven't heard from him. So, what am I supposed to think at this point? And to answer everyone question: No we haven't had sex. He understands that I won't do that outside of a committed relationship. He understood that from day one and he still pursued me and stuck around. When we met, I told him I wanted to build a solid friendship more than anything. As time went on, the word "relationship" started coming out of HIS mouth more than mine. And things just slowly progressed to where we are now. Previously, if he was unable to keep the plans we made, he would apologize and call me. I don't know what to think now....and it kind of hurts. The other important piece of information, is that I haven't been to his house yet. He works on my side of town down the street from my apartment and that's how we see each other. He hasn't taken me on any dates in the past 2 months. We were mostly hanging out as friends and having lunch and I go to his office and we talk there too. He took me out a couple of Saturdays when we first met
GildedLily Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It doesn't sound like what you have is a relationship here. He kinda pussy footed around; first trying to downgrade you to friends with benefits, then got around to maybe wanting a relationship-key word "wanting". Him just saying he wants a relationship isn't making it a relationship. A relationship is a pattern of consistency of love, care and respect shown to the other person. He's not consistent in his actions and showing HUGE disparity between his words and his actions. GOOD for you not having sex with him! It will be a cinch to move on from this dud.
Author That Lady Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 That really hurts I wasnt even looking for a relationship myself when we met. I had just been rejected by another guy and I was still in pain over it. And I told him that our outings weren't dates. But as time went on, he made it seem like he truly liked me. He called every morning and throughout the day. He even popped up one morning before I went to work just to hug me and tell me to have a good day. I slowly let my guard down up until this point. I don't understand what I did wrong? I didnt chase and didnt call and text like crazy at all.
Author That Lady Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) You are positive he is divorced? He said he has no problem showing me the divorce papers. I've asked several times if he was over her. I've even told him it didnt seem like he was. In response, he grabbed my face and looked me dead in the eyes and said "trust me, I am completely over her" He's in the military and while he was diployed, she spent his money and cheated on him. Divorce was final in November of 2009. I asked from day one if he was married or had a girlfriend of which he answered "no" to both questions. About the 2nd or 3rd time we went out, I just to keep things light and friendly and asked him jokingly "Well you may not have a girlfriend but these days, most men have at least one woman they are having sex with" He laughed and said "I have a 'friend'" Which opened the conversation even more and I asked if he is still involved with her. He said "she's in love with me but Im not in love with her. And we don't even hang out any more. But I was pretty involved with her kids. I care about her, but I don't love her. We havent had sex since November" At that point, I saw him as a friend. But as time when on, he continued to pursue me and assured me that things were over with her. I didnt even kiss him for almost 2 months. And we even progressed to holding hands while in the car or just hanging out at a restaurant. Edited July 5, 2011 by That Lady
Author That Lady Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Just a bit of more info.... For the past 3 or 4 weeks, we discussed whether or not I was ready to be sexually intimate. I repeated what I told him in the begining: That I take sex seriously and want us to continue growing closer and that I wouldnt outside of a committed relationship. At that point he seemed so serious about me, that I asked him for updated HIV test papers. Asked him to go get tested, he said he knew his tests were good and that he had no problem doing that. (He's 35, in the military, and has been around the world....I knew to cover my bases) Well last Wednesday, he called and said he went to the Dr. I asked what for and he said he had been having migraine headaches. And I said well that would have been a good oppurtunity for you to get your HIV test out of the way. And he said "yeah I went ahead and had them do that too" Why would a guy go through all of this for me only to turn around the very next week and distance himself?
Eddie Edirol Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 because he knows he only wanted sex, and he doesnt like you enough to deal with you getting attached to him, so he had to bail out. he knows what the next step is, all the nice behavior he was doing, he would have to keep that up to keep getting sex from you, and if youre not into someone enough, thats alot of work. So be happy he bailed on you before you got further emotionally involved. He did you a favor.
Author That Lady Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 because he knows he only wanted sex, and he doesnt like you enough to deal with you getting attached to him, so he had to bail out. he knows what the next step is, all the nice behavior he was doing, he would have to keep that up to keep getting sex from you, and if youre not into someone enough, thats alot of work. So be happy he bailed on you before you got further emotionally involved. He did you a favor. If he didnt really like me, then you're saying he flat out lied the several times he flat out said "I really like. You really are a beautiful person inside and out" and when he said (while holding my hand) "I'm telling you now, I'm going to fall in love with you. I know myself enough to know that I'm going to fall for you" and when I asked him if he could see himself falling for me his response was "I already am..."
betterdeal Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Sounds like he's not ready for a steady relationship and has run away from the emotional openness that is at the heart of a steady relationship. It comes across as mean to you (and it is) but I think his fear is internal to him i.e. nothing to do with you, your behaviour, appearance or any other quality that is part of you. I advice you to leave it be, and don't be tempted to get back with him if he comes back any time soon. He's abandoned you. It will take more than a few weeks for you to get over that and for him to successfully process whatever it is that led him to do that.
sm1tten Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 If he didnt really like me, then you're saying he flat out lied the several times he flat out said "I really like. You really are a beautiful person inside and out" and when he said (while holding my hand) "I'm telling you now, I'm going to fall in love with you. I know myself enough to know that I'm going to fall for you" and when I asked him if he could see himself falling for me his response was "I already am..." It doesn't sound to me like you had a real relationship either, and frankly, every time I've heard words like that in a situation such as you've described, it's been followed by "poofing" - i.e. disappearing without further contact or explanation. It may have nothing to do with you, it may have everything to do with you, but after 4 days of no contact whatsoever and 2 weeks of not even seeing each other, I think it'd be best for you to just move on. This is not the behavior of a man who is "falling in love."
Eddie Edirol Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 If he didnt really like me, then you're saying he flat out lied the several times he flat out said "I really like. You really are a beautiful person inside and out" and when he said (while holding my hand) "I'm telling you now, I'm going to fall in love with you. I know myself enough to know that I'm going to fall for you" and when I asked him if he could see himself falling for me his response was "I already am..." the actions have to match the words Lady. Anyone can say those things, but only you can let him lie to you because of what youre looking for. Dont just look for the words, you HAVE to look for the actions as well. Thats the only way to tell. Once he disappeared, you know that the words were just words.
Jaina19 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 His actions are very strange. I'm not sure if he did just want you for sex. If he did, that's an awful lot of time and effort to put into it when he could get it much more easily from another source. I believe he was genuine in wanting to get to know you. Since he disappeared when you suggested some actual commitment, it looks like he is afraid of commitment. Who knows why, still getting over his divorce, still having feelings for the other woman, afraid of getting into a relationship and being hurt... could be many reasons. But it's his problem and nothing about you or anything you've done. The way he treated you is cowardly and childish. I think it would be best to just move on and find someone who wants the same from a relationship as you do.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 His actions are very strange. I'm not sure if he did just want you for sex. If he did, that's an awful lot of time and effort to put into it when he could get it much more easily from another source. Youre giving the guy way too much credit. Its not always that easy to just get sex for most people. As a guy, when I was actually desperate, long long ago, I hung on to any shred of chance to get laid. This meant playing the role of what the woman wanted to eventually get in the pants, even when I wasnt that into her. But when you feel too much pressure for more interaction, you gotta bail.
thatone Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 About the 2nd or 3rd time we went out, I just to keep things light and friendly and asked him jokingly "Well you may not have a girlfriend but these days, most men have at least one woman they are having sex with" He laughed and said "I have a 'friend'" Which opened the conversation even more and I asked if he is still involved with her. He said "she's in love with me but Im not in love with her. And we don't even hang out any more. But I was pretty involved with her kids. I care about her, but I don't love her. We havent had sex since November" At that point, I saw him as a friend. But as time when on, he continued to pursue me and assured me that things were over with her. I didnt even kiss him for almost 2 months. And we even progressed to holding hands while in the car or just hanging out at a restaurant. i'd bet her and those kids are living at his place and that's why you've never been there. 1
GildedLily Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 If he didnt really like me, then you're saying he flat out lied the several times he flat out said "I really like. You really are a beautiful person inside and out" and when he said (while holding my hand) "I'm telling you now, I'm going to fall in love with you. I know myself enough to know that I'm going to fall for you" and when I asked him if he could see himself falling for me his response was "I already am..." People say things all of the time that they mean in the moment. One thing I've noticed about this guy; he talks a good game. Don't listen to people's words, watch their actions. Please read regarding future faking: (If this doesn't suffice do a search on this site with key words for other pertinent articles; she's amazing) http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/understanding-why-someone-fakes-a-future-with-you/
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