sfranks1492 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I am a single mom of two. The father and I were together for fourteen years. Things simply did not work out. We both moved on. I recently learned that their dad is getting married to the woman he has been dating for the last five years since our separation. I am not jealous or upset that he is getting remarried. I actually adore his fiance. She is wonderful with my children. My problem is that I am "hurt" that he and I were together fourteen years and not married. After the separation with their father, I met a man that I dated for about 18months. It did not work out. I then was in another year long relationship that was basically a rebound that fell flat. Then I met my current boyfriend of almost two years. My concern is that ALL of the men I have been with long term, recently have been married or are getting married. My ex is getting married at the end of the month. With this news I sit and wonder what was wrong with me. Each of them, after leaving me, found true love or what they believe is true love. It kinda makes me feel inferior. I truly am an independent, strong, intelligent woman and think I'm a catch for any man. But my track record is not so good. The man I've been with for almost two years is a wonderful man. My fear is that I bring two children to the table and he has been a single man without children for 35 years. I find that he needs a lot of "male bonding time" and I think he is feeling smothered by my family. I know he loves me and I believe he cares deeply for my children. I only have my children on the weekends, while they are with their father throughout the week while they are in school. I fear that if I had them on a more regular basis that things would be totally different in my relationship and that he would reconsider the relationship. I don't know if this is simply because it takes time for him to develop this bond with my children or if he truly is not cut out for this type of relationship. I love him deeply and I don't want to be hurt. I need some advice because I'm feeling a bit hopeless at this point. My children will always come first; however, I want this relationship to work. I will NEVER choose him over them regardless. I simply don't want to make that decision or feel it's even necessary. Please help!
Eddie Edirol Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 All your bf's got married after you? So youre the "Good Luck Chuck" of your area? As independent and strong as you are, youre not a catch when you have or will have full custody of kids. If all your ex's didnt have children, and they married women without children (besides your ex husband), then this is your life. The real deal is that people want to start their own families, they dont want to take on families started by other people. This is life, no one really wants anyone elses baggage. You are a set package with your kids, and since you wont put a man first, then you will have to look to your kids for companionship. All I can tell you is, if this doesnt work out, keep looking aggressively and possibly you will find a guy that will accept everything that you have the way it is. If your man doesnt like the idea of you having your kids throughout the week, theres nothing you can do to convince him otherwise, because as it isnt an inconvenience for you, it will be for him. If hes a single guy with no kids, its just easier for him to go find a woman without kids. He might not want the full time family life, and he doesnt have to, he has choices. he is the one who is the catch. You cant expect a man to put you first when you wont put him first. This is your lot in life. You have to work REAL hard to change it.
Untouchable_Fire Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I fear that if I had them on a more regular basis that things would be totally different in my relationship and that he would reconsider the relationship. I don't know if this is simply because it takes time for him to develop this bond with my children or if he truly is not cut out for this type of relationship. Huge red flag! Dating a woman with kids is really tough because sometimes you bond with them and then break up... and that really hurts because you miss them. I've had that happen and I hate it. If he has not bonded with them in 2 years... That isn't a good sign. Also, don't worry about your ex's getting married. Maybe they had not really considered marriage until they met you... then you changed their mind before things didn't work out.
musemaj11 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Your childre must come first. But you must also understand that you can't expect someone else to care about your kids as much as you do.
udolipixie Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Your childre must come first. But you must also understand that you can't expect someone else to care about your kids as much as you do. This. If you have daughters or a daughter just check out of dating. In a single mom situation even if a guy has raised a girl from when she was a baby she'll become attractive to him & he'll be attracted to her. It'll be I'm so proud of her for walking to I want to... For a guy any attractive girl not blood related is game and youth is a bonus. At best he'll just think of her sexually. At worst he'll wait until age of consent and have sex with her.
GildedLily Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 You've gotten some very "questionable" advice. You're not past your prime. Uh the guy you date will want to have sex with your daughter? ok this is just sick thinking. What about parents that adopt, should it not be allowed for heterosexual couples to adopt girls? what the f? Ok, please don't listen to these "winners" ^^^ It seems to me the primary issue is you thinking you're not lovable/ marriage material. Go buy a book called "Why Men Marry Bitches" by Sherry Argov She talks about calmly leaving a relationship that doesn't progress to marriage in a certain amount of time and more importantly setting boundaries and making men show you RESPECT in a relationship. You are good enough to be someone's wife:)
alexlakeman Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 1. Date only single dads, so they understand. 2. As a single dad, if I see a woman who is not the primary parent for the kids, ie she only has them on the weekends, I don't like that.. as she is obviously selfish and values her free time more than time with the kids, so how could she give a sh)t about my kids.
oldguy Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with you. You where in a 14 year relationship. That's longer than many marriages last. As for the ex's who are getting married; wait to see how long their marriages last. "Don't compare yourself to others, you will either become vain or cynical". As for your children I'm not sure I'm clear on your concerns but here is my opinion for what it's worth; Your number one relationship priority is with your adolescent children. All other relationships essentially need to adjust to that or move on. Look at relationships you bring to the family from your children's perspective not the current bf. There are some base criteria you should have in a person you are taking into a relationship with your family & one is how compatible that person is with the family. This guy might be great. If your children are teens or close to it the best relationship he might want to consider is that of a good host, at least at the beginning, otherwise there will be resentment from your children. Good lick to you.
RedRussian8080 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 " Why Men Marry Bitches"....yea go read it and become one, see how far you get in real world being a bitch to a healthy non-insecure male with options.
Lisa_H Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It doesn't sound to me like it is YOU! However, I do believe it may be the kind of men you are attracting. As for the man you are with now, do some deep soul searching - is this the man you WANT to be with? Is it healthy for your children? Make a list of your perfect relationship - on the other side - write down his qualities and value he brings to your life., Do they match up? DON"T SETTLE --- You are not too old - it doesn't matter if you are a single mother. You can and will find what you and your children deserve. Maybe it is with the man you are with now -- find out and act accordingly. Have you talked to him about it? Tell him what you need and see where he stands - only then will you be able to make an informed decision. I wish you the best of luck. Don't let anyone get you down or convince you it won't happen for you.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It's hard enough finding someone you're compatible with. Add to that having to be compatible with the kids, and it really is a lot harder. Add to that the possibility that they may see you (rightly or wrongly) as "damaged" since you couldn't make it work with someone else = a lot of things running against you. I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship. (I'm good at theory though, LOL.) Most of my female friends are either involved, married, or divorced with kids. I've idly considered asking out an old friend who has daughters, but somehow it just seems... weird. Not only do I have to worry about whether she would like me, I have to worry about the kids liking me. It really is a lot of baggage. I would say your best bet would be to consider single dads around your age. With custody laws as they are, though, most single dads don't have a lot of contact with their children, if any. In my experience. So while it may not be a directly even type of thing, it would seem like the best place to start. If there were a single dad with kids, they probably would like to find a single woman with kids, I would think. Most kids could probably find things in common, and then it would be a more cohesive type of thing, rather than just one childless person being the "outsider" to everyone else in the house. That's kinda scary, to me anyway.
udolipixie Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 You've gotten some very "questionable" advice. You're not past your prime. Uh the guy you date will want to have sex with your daughter? ok this is just sick thinking. What about parents that adopt, should it not be allowed for heterosexual couples to adopt girls? what the f? Ok, please don't listen to these "winners" ^^^ It seems to me the primary issue is you thinking you're not lovable/ marriage material. Go buy a book called "Why Men Marry Bitches" by Sherry Argov She talks about calmly leaving a relationship that doesn't progress to marriage in a certain amount of time and more importantly setting boundaries and making men show you RESPECT in a relationship. You are good enough to be someone's wife:) It's reasonable advice. It's sickening but it's reality. Plenty of guys marry their step daughters. Plenty of friendships have been broken when & body parts broken when a guy finds out one of his friends who helped raised his daughter a few months after turning 16 had sex with her or are trying to casually date her. Guys are simple unless there is a paternal/familial force (feeling you're the father/brother/uncle or blood bond (daughter, cousin, sister) if they find her attractive whether they raised her or not they will either fantasize or act on it. In the case of paternal/familial bond those are weak as evident by guys who date or have sex with or marry their step daughters or adopted daughters they turned from father to romantic/sexual interest. There's a difference between a guy who wants to be a father so he adopts & a guy who is made to be a father. Her best bet is alone, single dad, or a guy who has paternally bonded to her daughter and doesn't seem it would change based on her attractiveness.
thatone Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 so what are the reasons for the blatant red flags in your situation? with the father for 14 years, not married, but had two children with him? you're the mother but you only have the kids on the weekend? tell us the rest of the story.
misssmartypants Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 These blatant generalizations about men are dangerous. "All men fantasize about all attractive females", that is pure BS. Men are not evil animals seeking sex from any and all sources regardless of the legality, morality, or potential harm they may cause. Propagating these lies is a small step from saying "he couldn't help it" from there we get to "she should have known better" and on to "She was asking for it." OP- I don't know what to tell you except that maybe you seem to be very willing to stay in long term relationships without a formal or legal commitment. If this isn't something important to you in a relationship, then don't sweat it that others seem to be getting married. If it is important to you, then maybe you need to have a discussion with your current boyfriend about the fact that you'd like to be married. I am a single mom, and there are nice men out there who are more than willing to build relationships with single moms. I don't know the details of your situation but the meanness about your not having full custody is probably typical. I'd like to remind the haters that there are all sorts of situations that can occur after a divorce, from school districts, to work schedules, that affect where the kids live during the week.
Doing it Since '78 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) It's hard enough finding someone you're compatible with. Add to that having to be compatible with the kids, and it really is a lot harder. Add to that the possibility that they may see you (rightly or wrongly) as "damaged" since you couldn't make it work with someone else = a lot of things running against you. I'm 35 and haven't been in a relationship. (I'm good at theory though, LOL.) Most of my female friends are either involved, married, or divorced with kids. I've idly considered asking out an old friend who has daughters, but somehow it just seems... weird. Not only do I have to worry about whether she would like me, I have to worry about the kids liking me. It really is a lot of baggage. I would say your best bet would be to consider single dads around your age. With custody laws as they are, though, most single dads don't have a lot of contact with their children, if any. In my experience. So while it may not be a directly even type of thing, it would seem like the best place to start. If there were a single dad with kids, they probably would like to find a single woman with kids, I would think. Most kids could probably find things in common, and then it would be a more cohesive type of thing, rather than just one childless person being the "outsider" to everyone else in the house. That's kinda scary, to me anyway. I disagree- I'm a single dad myself, and I won't touch a chick with kids- Is it selfish, hell yes but I want all the (child like) attention on MY kids, not some other jokers kids who didn't bother to hang around, and if you were the one who broke it off with him, well you may fall in the "damaged goods" category anyway- sorry With my two kids, and pretty much any other kids, I want them all to be mine- I refuse to have another male influence what goes on in my household, which if the dad is in his kids lives, he has the right to do so (Which I myself do) I am a total @sshole at times to the joker dealing with my kids mother, there is no way under God's green earth I could put up with the same level of scrutiny that I inflict upon strangers around my daughter- To the OP- Your best bet is to stop trying to find a husband, spend more QT with your babies and resign yourself to finding true love when the kids are out of the house- If you can't wait for that, well unfortunately you are gonna keep chasing losers, sacrificing stability, while your kids dad will (hopefully) began gaining true stability being married, and once the two are compared, may be in a good position to get custody from you- If he was my homeboy, I know I would definetly steer him in that direction Edited July 6, 2011 by Doing it Since '78
udolipixie Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 These blatant generalizations about men are dangerous. "All men fantasize about all attractive females", that is pure BS. Men are not evil animals seeking sex from any and all sources regardless of the legality, morality, or potential harm they may cause. Propagating these lies is a small step from saying "he couldn't help it" from there we get to "she should have known better" and on to "She was asking for it." OP- I don't know what to tell you except that maybe you seem to be very willing to stay in long term relationships without a formal or legal commitment. If this isn't something important to you in a relationship, then don't sweat it that others seem to be getting married. If it is important to you, then maybe you need to have a discussion with your current boyfriend about the fact that you'd like to be married. I am a single mom, and there are nice men out there who are more than willing to build relationships with single moms. I don't know the details of your situation but the meanness about your not having full custody is probably typical. I'd like to remind the haters that there are all sorts of situations that can occur after a divorce, from school districts, to work schedules, that affect where the kids live during the week. Whoa there never said men are not evil animals seeking sex from any and all sources regardless of the legality, morality, or potential harm they may cause. My point is that single moms should be aware that there are guys who even if they helped raised your newborn daughter will see her as attractive & be attracted to her. And that can go either way- fantasize or sex.
thatone Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 These blatant generalizations about men are dangerous. "All men fantasize about all attractive females", that is pure BS. Men are not evil animals seeking sex from any and all sources regardless of the legality, morality, or potential harm they may cause. Propagating these lies is a small step from saying "he couldn't help it" from there we get to "she should have known better" and on to "She was asking for it." agree, she's borderline delusional. she apparently has a "all women are victims of men" trip going that she's here to indulge, going by her other posts. I am a single mom, and there are nice men out there who are more than willing to build relationships with single moms. I don't know the details of your situation but the meanness about your not having full custody is probably typical. I'd like to remind the haters that there are all sorts of situations that can occur after a divorce, from school districts, to work schedules, that affect where the kids live during the week. yeah but there are just as many bad reasons for those things too. hence the asking. you know full well that absent a good explanation people will assume the worst to soften the blows.
udolipixie Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) agree, she's borderline delusional. she apparently has a "all women are victims of men" trip going that she's here to indulge, going by her other posts. yeah but there are just as many bad reasons for those things too. hence the asking. you know full well that absent a good explanation people will assume the worst to soften the blows. Where did you get all women are victims from my post against Woogle's claims? I see no all women are victims here. I was arguing against the notion that all women who get used/played knowingly go after players and if they didn't detect he was a player they are bad at picking men. My point was that there are some women who didn't know he was a player and didn't detect it because they're bad at detecting liars/manipulators. Here's my post You seemed confused. I was arguing your claim that "Women who claim they get used for sex knowingly go after players and unreliable men. It doesn't make it right but they are far from innocent victims. " My point was that not all women who are used knowingly go after players/unreliable men so they are victims. I was arguing your claim that "If they don't know some of these men are no good then they have horrible man picking skills. " My point was that that's not always the case because the guy could be acting/lying. As for delusional it's reality there are men like that out there. Edited July 6, 2011 by udolipixie spelling
Silivren Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Wow!! Most of these responses are really negative and discouraging!! I just want to let you know - from one (former) single mom to another - do not ever settle! First off, your ex is marrying his current flame and didn't marry you after 14 years. Don't feel so bad, it's not necessarily you. Ever seen Sex and the City? Miranda coins the phrase perfectly; she just caught him when his light was on. Check this article out: "Why guys dump girls they dig".. there are lots of reasons and they don't always have to do with you http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/article.aspx?cp-documentid=19563905 As far as the rest of your problem - as far as I'm concerned, your children should be considered a bonus, not a deterrent. I was a single mom of 3 - yep, count em - 3 kids! Each child amazing and unique in their own right. And any man that came into my life had to prove to ME that he was worthy of my family. And I found one. Or should I say - he found me. When I wasn't even looking. He is a friend and confidante to my older children and loves my youngest as if she was his own. We plan to get married. Believe me. I empathize with you! I went through the same thing for a while, felt like a "good luck chuck" for all my exes. Just be patient. Remember what you and your family bring to the table and don't EVER let anyone tell you that you deserve anything less that complete happiness!!!
misssmartypants Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Whoa there never said men are not evil animals seeking sex from any and all sources regardless of the legality, morality, or potential harm they may cause. My point is that single moms should be aware that there are guys who even if they helped raised your newborn daughter will see her as attractive & be attracted to her. And that can go either way- fantasize or sex. If this were true, it would go both ways, women would be attracted to and at least mentally pursue all semi attractive men who aren't their relatives. In which case all medical staff, school employees and law enforcement officers would be under suspicion. There are people out there who take advantage of those who are weaker, due to age or disability, but these people are in the minority. Most people know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate when it comes to younger members of the opposite sex. Those who can't tell the difference are called pedophiles and locked up. Yes, single parents should be very cautious about who spends times with their children. I think that there is no excuse on the planet that justifies leaving your children alone with some one you are dating. Dating and parenting lives should be kept separate for the most part. As to the control freak who doesn't want any male influence but his own around the kids and makes trouble for his ex and her new man - that kind of controlling and isolating attitude is pathological and a red flag for abusive behavior. I'd pick up my kids and move. And keep moving until you go the picture.
udolipixie Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) If this were true, it would go both ways, women would be attracted to and at least mentally pursue all semi attractive men who aren't their relatives. In which case all medical staff, school employees and law enforcement officers would be under suspicion. There are people out there who take advantage of those who are weaker, due to age or disability, but these people are in the minority. Most people know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate when it comes to younger members of the opposite sex. Those who can't tell the difference are called pedophiles and locked up. Yes, single parents should be very cautious about who spends times with their children. I think that there is no excuse on the planet that justifies leaving your children alone with some one you are dating. Dating and parenting lives should be kept separate for the most part. As to the control freak who doesn't want any male influence but his own around the kids and makes trouble for his ex and her new man - that kind of controlling and isolating attitude is pathological and a red flag for abusive behavior. I'd pick up my kids and move. And keep moving until you go the picture. Seems I made a mistake copying & pasting it should be: Whoa there never said men are evil animals seeking sex from any and all sources regardless of the legality, morality, or potential harm they may cause I advise all single dads to be aware of this women who can who even if they helped raised your newborn son will see him as attractive & be attracted to him. I wasn't talking about pedophile more like hebephilia if they pursue when the child reached the age of consent. I was talking about guy raise little girl, little girl becomes woman or teen (if you're talking hebephilia), guy becomes attracted because of the lack of paternal bond or blood relativity. Sadly it seems men are more prone due to being attracted to youth & beauty guys seem to easily make the transition to lover from father figure/sorta uncle (guys who are friends of father). I'd call him a control freak but not abusive until I knew the reason why behind his no other male influence- paranoia over being replaced as a father, jealousy? Picking up & going is an option she is going to have to consider. Edited July 6, 2011 by udolipixie correction
misssmartypants Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 And jealousy makes it ok for him to torment the woman and her new guy and make her life a hell? Abuse doesn't have to include physical violence. For what ever reason, the relationship is over. He (and she) no longer has the right to have a say in anything that goes on in the ex's house. She can let the kids stay up until midnight, never bathe, and eat nothing but cheetos and jelly beans. IF its her time, its her rules and her right. (not that I am advocating that sort of house hold) All parents should be wary of the people who come around their kids for lots of different reasons. The people around out kids influence how they view the world and can do lots of damage or lots of good things. But to tell women that all men will view their non-related daughters as sexual objects as soon as they start to blossom is just silly.
Woggle Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Why not find a group dedicated to single parents dating?
udolipixie Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 And jealousy makes it ok for him to torment the woman and her new guy and make her life a hell? Abuse doesn't have to include physical violence. For what ever reason, the relationship is over. He (and she) no longer has the right to have a say in anything that goes on in the ex's house. She can let the kids stay up until midnight, never bathe, and eat nothing but cheetos and jelly beans. IF its her time, its her rules and her right. (not that I am advocating that sort of house hold) All parents should be wary of the people who come around their kids for lots of different reasons. The people around out kids influence how they view the world and can do lots of damage or lots of good things. But to tell women that all men will view their non-related daughters as sexual objects as soon as they start to blossom is just silly. It doesn't make it okay but if the behavior can be corrected why not go for it. As for the no longer having any right I'm iffy if I were in that scenario I'd say we both had rights concerning their health, hygiene, diet, education, and safety. I never put all men.
Doing it Since '78 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 And jealousy makes it ok for him to torment the woman and her new guy and make her life a hell? Abuse doesn't have to include physical violence. For what ever reason, the relationship is over. He (and she) no longer has the right to have a say in anything that goes on in the ex's house. She can let the kids stay up until midnight, never bathe, and eat nothing but cheetos and jelly beans. IF its her time, its her rules and her right. (not that I am advocating that sort of house hold) All parents should be wary of the people who come around their kids for lots of different reasons. The people around out kids influence how they view the world and can do lots of damage or lots of good things. But to tell women that all men will view their non-related daughters as sexual objects as soon as they start to blossom is just silly. You can say what you want about me being a control freak, or a paranoid skitzo, or whatever-however If my kids mother wants to jump from man to man, have some joker whom I never met/had dialogue with watch and bathe my daughter, well then by golly I am all that you say I am- Because that WILL NOT happen! True I can't control what goes on when I am not looking, but trust this- ANY joker who plans to be around my two kids, will feel my presence, and will understand the totality of my wrath if he steps out of line- This entails abuse against either child or mom- I run a clean ship, and as long as my kids mother would like to maintain some sort of relationship with her kids, it is strongly suggested by my actions towards her and her new man (men) that she get on board, on what behaviors are/are not acceptable-
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