kiss_andmakeup Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Hey LSers. My current budding relationship has me pondering this topic, and I'm curious to hear your views on it. I am, and have been since the conclusion of my college years, a pretty low-key person, socially. I don't have a ton of friends, as the majority of my college friends have moved out of state for graduate school or for job opportunities, while I've stayed in relatively the same area. I have a couple of girlfriends that I get together with every week or so, typically for lunch, dinner, or a couple of drinks at most. When I'm not working, most of my time is spent doing one of the following: volunteering, spending time with family, reading, writing, exercising, etc. Pretty independent activities for the most part. It's something that hasn't really bothered me too much - especially since I am extremely close with my family, and get in my social time with friends here and there. The guy I've been seeing for a couple of months now is very different in this aspect. He has an extremely large group of friends and goes out with them frequently. This doesn't bother me at all, because: A. He frequently invites me, I'm just not always able to go. B. He is just an all-around great guy, extremely respectful, kind, sweet, and loyal...even when he does go out without me, he sends me frequent texts or cute pictures (not that I require this, he does so unprompted). So I have no insecurities about this whatsoever. C. I really do have a desire to be more social, and when I do go out with him, whether alone or with some of his buddies, I have a great time and get along with everyone. His friends have all told him how much they like me. The only thing I'm wondering about is, that eventually, he's going to realize (if he hasn't already) that my social life pales in comparison to his. I'm a very happy person, with a job I love, a volunteer job that I love even more, a wonderful family, and a sprinkling of good friends. I just feel like, especially at my age (24), I'm expected to be a club-hopping, all-nighter-ing social butterfly, and I'm just not. Important points to consider: as I've said, I have no issues with him hanging out with friends without me. In addition, I'm up for pretty much anything when we're together - we took a random spur-of-the-moment out of town trip last weekend and had a blast! So it's not that I don't like to get out and do things - I do - I just don't have the immense social circle with which to do all of these things. Sometimes when he is hanging with friends he will text me "what are you up to tonight?" and I always feel so gosh-darned lame when I respond with "reading a book," or "about to go to the gym," or "hanging out with my family." So, here is the end question. Consider that you're a guy with a very active social life and a large circle of friends. You start dating a girl with a very low-key social life and a very small circle of friends. Assuming they're not needy, possessive, controlling, etc. (which I definitely am not), would you find it a turn-off? It's just something I'm a bit insecure about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Its a plus for because I only have one friend. I hate socializing and I hate interacting with people. I would be ok with a guy having zero friends. I'm the type of person who stays home alone on my birthday and new years eve. I don't want to be with a real social guy cause I'm anti social. I would prefer it to be just us and no outside friends. You would be okay with it because then you'd be in the same boat as him. My point is that we are not in the same boat social-circle-wise. I actually really enjoy socializing and interacting and having fun. I just don't have a ton of opportunities to do it and a very small social circle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kiss_andmakeup Posted July 5, 2011 Author Share Posted July 5, 2011 Oops. I thought u were a guy asking if girls minded if u weren't social. Ahh, I see. Your post makes more sense now. No worries. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 i don't see why this is negative. he probably likes it about you, you should ask him and see what he says. don't be surprised if he sees it as a positive. Link to post Share on other sites
whitefire Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I like to party with friends as much as the next guy, but I'm younger than you and have no interest in crowded clubs or bars at all. I much prefer going out with a few friends to a not-so-crowded bar and just hanging out. Even that I can only take so much of. A girl like you would not be a turn-off at all to me, but more a turn-on, as I feel you would be able to relate to my semi-reclusive behavior. My brother is the opposite of me. He goes to clubs and bars all the time, and he's dated girls with low-key social lives. To be fair, he's also dated some wild girls too, but his relationships with the more controlled girls always lasted longer. I don't think you have anything to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
thatone Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 To be fair, he's also dated some wild girls too, but his relationships with the more controlled girls always lasted longer. I don't think you have anything to worry about. because he's not likely to run into one of her ex one night stands in his favorite bar. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 You're probably not going to get any or many responses from very social people, since everyone posting here is home on a holiday night. Myself included. Honestly, it has been my experience that just about all men are impressed by a woman's active social life. I have always been more low-key, like you, but I have observed over and over that they are impressed and starstruck when I am being the social butterfly and drawing a lot of attention to myself. And the more sociable the guy is, the more he seems to appreciate me being so, too. But maybe he does not fit the trend, or maybe you have enough good things going for you that it wouldn't matter, anyway. The best you can do is be your fabulous self and do what makes you truly happy. To me, you sound pretty happy with your life as it is. If who you are is not what he's looking for, there's not much else you can do. But I bet he thinks you're awesome just the way you are. Link to post Share on other sites
ice salamander Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 It is perfectly acceptable if you're a girl with a vag putting out. If you were a guy then yes there would be something wrong with that. Since you're not, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Social circle translates into one's perceived social status in the eyes of others. Just like women, men's perception of a woman is also affected by the woman's status to a certain degree. Link to post Share on other sites
whitefire Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Honestly, it has been my experience that just about all men are impressed by a woman's active social life. That's from your experiences, but I find nothing impressive about an active social life. It's not a bad thing, but it doesn't attract me either. If anything, I am more attracted to less-social girls who instead use their time to pursue some kind of interest or passion. It is perfectly acceptable if you're a girl with a vag putting out. If you were a guy then yes there would be something wrong with that. Since you're not, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. I don't see anything wrong with a guy having a low-key social life. Link to post Share on other sites
youngskywalker Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 When I'm not working, most of my time is spent doing one of the following: volunteering, spending time with family, reading, writing, exercising, etc. Pretty independent activities for the most part. I wouldn't consider you a recluse if you're spending time volunteering and with family a lot. I'm just like you, except a guy. In my experience, the women I've been with have all expressed dissatisfaction in my social behavior. Almost all of them wanted me to be more active in a social circle of friends. My current g/f has told me she'd like to see me more involved with friends. I think it's just her way of looking out for my own emotional health. I'm fine with that. So what have I done? I've taken a little extra effort in being more social. Problem fixed. As long as she sees me trying, that's good enough for her. It doesn't take much. She just doesn't want to be with a loner and I understand that. So to answer your question, yes, I do think many or most men will be turned off if you are anti-social. But that doesn't mean you need to be a social butterfly either. Simply make a little extra effort to be involved with a circle of friends and I think you'll see this problem cured. I'm not saying to change yourself, interests and who you are, but I'm sure it won't hurt you to take one day a week and say "today I'm going out with friends and having fun". That's all it takes. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 That's from your experiences, but I find nothing impressive about an active social life. It's not a bad thing, but it doesn't attract me either. If anything, I am more attracted to less-social girls who instead use their time to pursue some kind of interest or passion. I don't see anything wrong with a guy having a low-key social life. I bet you are a guy with low key social life. U remind me of the fat guy from a while back who said that people are too obsessed with fitness. Link to post Share on other sites
whitefire Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 I bet you are a guy with low key social life. U remind me of the fat guy from a while back who said that people are too obsessed with fitness. Low-key social life - yes. Does that mean I'm lazy and inactive? Hell no. The reason my social life is low-key is because I'm busy with so many other things. I get too immersed in my pursuits to care about going to bars or clubs every week. That might not be appealing to very social people, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I even think it would be appealing to like-minded others. That's what I'm trying to say to the girl posting. Link to post Share on other sites
youngskywalker Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Honestly, it has been my experience that just about all men are impressed by a woman's active social life. I have always been more low-key, like you, but I have observed over and over that they are impressed and starstruck when I am being the social butterfly and drawing a lot of attention to myself. I'm one of them. This might be a case of "opposites attract". Almost 100% of the time I'm interested in women who have a greater, more healthy social life than I do. But I've also experienced that if it's too great of a difference it won't work either. Let's just be honest, some peoples lives are wrapped up in taking joy from from just being around other people and having mindless fun. That isn't attractive to me in the least, and I find it rather shallow. I need a woman who can take time off, reflect on her own thoughts and spend some time accomplishing goals other than "just live life and have fun". I see it as a double edged sword. OP, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You seem like you're just a normal, average person. Be yourself, but at the same time understand that stepping out and exploring the world of interaction with other people could be something that makes you feel more complete in life. This isn't about extremes of being the social butterfly vs. being a recluse... just better yourself in this area a little -if you feel the need to. Link to post Share on other sites
youngskywalker Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 Low-key social life - yes. Does that mean I'm lazy and inactive? Hell no. The reason my social life is low-key is because I'm busy with so many other things. I get too immersed in my pursuits to care about going to bars or clubs every week. That might not be appealing to very social people, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I even think it would be appealing to like-minded others. That's what I'm trying to say to the girl posting. I agree with what you're saying but here is the flip side. You can't get so caught up with goals, education, success, work and "other things" that your social life becomes abnormal. I don't go to bars and clubbing either but I still think it's an important part of life to interact with other people. It's a part of life just like everything else. Someday you'll breathe your last breath and you're not taking your diploma, education, money, cars, house and all those things with you. It's about having a balance in life and if you feel you have that then great! The OP is questioning if she has that or not. I think for her she would do well to step out just a little bit. Link to post Share on other sites
musemaj11 Posted July 5, 2011 Share Posted July 5, 2011 No one on his deathbed laments if only he had worked more. I work n go to school 6 days a week. But I do my best to use my free time to socialize as much as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
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