Citrine Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 So here's the deal. I used to obese. I was fat all throughout childhood and grew into an even fatter adult (I'm currently 22). At my heaviest I weighed 208 pounds. Last year I got my act together and started losing weight. I now weigh 136 pounds. I am 5'1. As a fat girl, I never thought anyone could find me attractive (aside from fat fetishists) and I never seemed to get any attention from guys. I never made an effort because I was afraid that guys would see me as the desperate fat girl with low self esteem and no standards. Now that I've lost all that weight I'm finally opening myself up to the idea of dating. But I think I may still be too fat to be considered attractive. I don't feel fat (who knew the collar bone felt so wonderful?) but when I look in the mirror I still see a fat girl. I intend to lose another 20 pounds but that will likely take at least another six months to achieve. And since I will probably be relying exclusively on meeting people online I don't want to mislead anyone. So am I still too fat? Should I hold off until I lose all the weight?
BeavisMom62 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Dear lord NO! You aren't fat at all. I suppose your weight might be a tiny bit much for your height, but that depends on your frame and how it is distributed. Isn't self-esteem a funny thing? You still see yourself as large in your mind, but you really aren't in the mirror. Have you considered a little bit of counseling? I am sure that having grown up heavy wasn't easy, esp during childhood considering how cruel children can be. It might help. But in the meantime, just put yourself out there a little bit. Do all of the things that Dear Abby always advises, be active in a hobby, join a church, volunteer, etc. Just meet "people", not with the idea of meeting a date, but just to make friends and see what happens. Take it slow and easy and take care of yourself. Healthy and confident is much more attractive than skinny!
quankanne Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 it doesn't matter how little or how much you weigh, you're always going to feel like a "fat" chick because that's how you identify yourself. And believe me, I know where you're coming from, because I've been heavy since my teen years – I was at rock bottom weight in college and actually looked pretty good, but because I had a poor self-image, I didn't see it. 22 years later? I'd like to go back in time and kick my 23-year-old self in the butt for being so dense! I hope you are able to work past the self image you have and enjoy what you have now, because you sound like you're a cutie BTW, I'm really proud of and impressed by the fact that you managed to shed such a great deal of weight at a young age ~ keep up the good work, kiddo!
gaius Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 So am I still too fat? Nope. Should I hold off until I lose all the weight? Nope. Snap a few pictures, start up an online dating profile and enjoy as all the male attention starts rolling in. I bet you will be pleasantly surprised.
Afishwithabike Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 OP, you're not fat. However, you will feel fat unless you change your mindset. Even if you lose another 10-15 pounds, you're still going to think you're big because in your head that's how you see yourself. You've internalized the belief that you can't be happy and that you're worthless (you probably internalized it at the time you weighed more). You still retain that belief. Your outward body image has changed, but your internal body image has not. From a health perspective, it's good you lost the weight. Your previous weight wasn't healthy. You may however have unrealistic expectations of what weight loss can do for you. You're blaming your current weight (which is perfectly fine) for your lack of a boyfriend. You're focusing on your weight rather than who you are as a person. A guy is dating you, a person. He's not dating your weight. Work on your personality, your sense of humor, your conversational abilities, developing areas of interests/hobbies, etc. When you start improving those areas, I bet you'll find someone.
spiderowl Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Strangely enough, some guys will actually be interested in your personality and attraction isn't just based on looks. If you are an attractive personality, guys will notice you and some will fall in love with you. One of them may well be perfect for you. Some people are just magnetic and interesting and you may well be one of them. Most people, as they mature, realise that it's much more fun spending time with an interesting and kind person than it is to spend time with the perfect model type. She might be OK for a while, but unless she has more than her looks, the guy is likely to lose interest. You need to take the self-respecting view that you are the one filtering out the shallow guys who are not likely to be the kind of person you want anyway, not the one being judged by them. Think of your own requirements in a guy first and see if they match up to the qualities you are looking for. There's no point in wondering whether you match up to theirs or not. Everyone has different needs/requirements anyway. Good luck!
Author Citrine Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 As far as the personality thing, I get where you are all coming from and I agree with the basic premise. However, my personality is unappealing and there's really nothing I can do about that. I could potentially be pretty on the outside but a decade of childhood trauma left me a broken person on the inside. The fact is, I am inherently unlovable. It's something I had to come to learn to accept at a young age but I'm at peace with it now. It's just as well since at this point I don't really believe I am capable of loving anyone back anyway. It's hard to love when you learn at a young age that monsters live inside of all humans, even those that are supposed to protect you. I've begun the healing process but this is still something I haven't been able to reconcile. I'm not interested in ever being in a serious relationship but that doesn't mean I can't look for temporary companionship. Being attractive on the outside is one of the few things I'd have to offer. That's why it's so much more important for me.
Afishwithabike Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Are you getting therapy for your self-esteem/abuse issues? You're pretty hard on yourself. When you say you want temporary companionship, are you speaking of One Night Stands, random hookups, casual sex with no strings attached? Or do you mean something else? Perhaps you mean you want a casual boyfriend who may or may not be exclusive with you. Just be honest in your online profile. List your height and weight. Put several current photos of yourself and let the chips fall where they may.
FYS Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 You know, as others have said, you will always feel fat if you still see yourself that way. There are plenty of men out there that like fat women and aren't fat fetishists. I am one of those men. I don't feel comfortable dating a skinny chick. My friends see this skinny little girl walking through a store and stare at her, and I just have no interest. However, I can stare at a fat chick the same way they do a skinny chick. There is someone out there for you.
alethean Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Hi Citrine, Congrats on the weight loss! Regarding online dating: I think you should go ahead with the online dating if you are ready. Post pics as you are now and update every month or so as you lose the weight. I am no expert on online dating, but I think you'd probably get responses as you are at this point. On "feeling fat": Well, I think it usually takes a while to get used to your new body, especially as you have been heavy all your life. So give yourself time to adjust. If you haven't already, get a new outfit, change your hair up, etc. etc. if you think it will help you gain confidence. Also remind yourself of how far you've come and how much better you feel now than before. Regarding your perception of your personality: I'm sorry you went through all that during childhood. It really is a hard thing to get over especially if you experienced it in your earliest years. You said you have started the healing process, and I honestly think that this is most important in your life right now. I hope it goes well for you so that you can eventually change your opinion of yourself as inherently unlovable.
Feelin Frisky Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Welcome to LS. You're not too fat. But think of it this way, you are within striking distance of your best appearance perhaps of your life. Don't let up for a second. With those other pounds gone you'll never have to worry about this question. If you're good looking otherwise and dress nicely everyone will start really giving you the welcome mat. Hang in there and work it until it's done. Good luck.
KathyM Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Congratulations on losing the weight. That's really great. No need to hold off on dating.
theseeker Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 I used to be pretty heavy myself. I am 5'9 and at my heaviest I weighed 219. I weigh 145 now. I was very similar to yourself, I had low self confidence and didn't think anyone would find me attractive enough to pursue. Now please read this, it is something that not many people can tell you (because not many people loose the amount of weight that we have lost in a short amount of time): Now that you've lost weight, when you look in the mirror you like the way you look. Your confidence will improve and you will feel more comfortable in your own skin. BUT YOUR MENTALITY WILL LAG BEHIND. Your post proves this point. Even though I have been thin for about 4 years now, I am still self conscious about my body. I don't have the 'saggy skin' side effect that comes with getting gastric bypass surgery. I am 24 years old and I lost the weight naturally over about a year and half or so. What I am saying is that I have nothing to be self conscious about. However, I went for so long being so self conscious about my weight and my body and how I looked, that I developed a very critical mind set towards my physical appearance. That mind set doesn't disappear instantly, even if what caused the mentally in the first place isn't an issue anymore. It has a name: it is called body image distortion. Your mental vision of your physical self doesn't reflect reality. In your mind, you are still that fat girl. This will persist for a long while, but I have found it to slowly get better and better - but it has taken a VERY long time. The point: you will ALWAYS find something wrong and physically 'unworthy' about yourself. This is the consequence of deeply hurtful and bothersome body-image problems. After all, if it didn't bother us, then why did we work so hard to lose the weight? You shouldn't put off dating (or anything, for that matter) until you are 'such and such weight'. Don't do it. You may lose the 20 pounds, but afterwards you will find something else to keep you from dating. Next it will be "Maybe I shouldn't date until I have a flat stomach." Once you get a flat stomach you will tell yourself "I can't date until these stretch marks are gone." etc. Do you see what I'm saying here? You will always keep putting it back. This is because, you may not realize it, but when you were fat you had an excuse as to why you didn't date. Now you don't have that particular excuse, so you'll try to find others. This is because trying something new (like dating) is scary. And avoiding the unknown is the easiest thing to do, it is 'safe'. I think, once you start dating, you'll be surprised how much guys DON'T care about womens' weight. Men simply like women (bless their horny souls). And you are a woman. Thus, you are desired by men (heterosexual ones, at least). DONE & DONE. Easy. Just embrace yourself the way you are this second, know that you are changing, but don't put off anything until ________. In short, just go out on a damn date already. Have fun.
theseeker Posted July 10, 2011 Posted July 10, 2011 As a woman, you have 99% more of a chance at dating than a man does. Even though I'm having a hard time finding a date myself, this made me LOL.
Feelsgoodman Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 I agree. My younger brother is a handsome man and he only likes overweight women. My husband loves a woman with curves. When I talk to him about weight loss, he grabs my bum and exclaims: "You better not lose this!" I am a size 12, yet most people think that I am a size 8. I am lucky that I carry my weight well, although there is too much abdominal fat. My medications (including The Pill) are notorious for causing weight gain. If I wasn't taking these blasted pills, I would be sleek like I was before I was 23. I think I am fat. Very few of my loved ones agree with me. OP, you are getting a lot of very bad advice in this thread, the above post being a prime example (even though on the surface, it sounds like a "nice thing to say"). Most men DO NOT prefer overweight women; don't let anyone tell you different. You've done a great job so far. Keep working on it. Your greatest challenge now will be dealing with other overweight women who are jealous of your weight loss. They will try to convince you that you are fine the way you are and could never be "too fat to date". Remember, they are envious of your progress because it makes them feel bad about themselves. Don't let them drag you back into the world of misery with their disingenuous "reassurances". Remember that once get in proper shape, you will never even have to wonder whether you're too fat to date.
KME39 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Keep losing weight. I have lost 80 lbs and am down to a size 4 or 6 depending on the cut and brand. I want to lose another 15 lbs and get down to 135. I still see the fat girl in the mirror but I have been in therapy for over a year and am starting to see the regular size person. I ride horses so the thinner you are the better the picture will be for shows. Put out a profile and see what kind of response you get and just date. Dating doesn't mean you have to have a long term relationship. Just have fun.
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