Lilmisus Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Yesterday, I made plans with the guy I recently started dating to go to the beach this morning before him and I go to work. He suggested 11, and I said that worked. This was after him saying how ready he was for us to hang out again (later this week). Last night, I ran into my friend's boyfriend who works with this guy, and he told me that last night was the busiest the restaurant had ever seen, and that he was exhausted (he's a cook, Mr. Cute Guy is the manager). He told me that he was told of our beach plans today, and when I told him that I was surprised he knew, he asked if I was surprised that he talks about me..which I said I was. So, it's now 11:40, and I sent him a "good morning!" text an hour ago even though I've been up since 9. My ex taught me to not jump to conclusions when someone doesn't respond to your messages, and that a lot of the times people could just be asleep or have lost their phone. I'm trying to keep that mindset right now, but this is just reminding me and making me feel too much like my ex did too many times when he continually bailed on me or stood me up. It made me feel like sh*t since he did it so damn often...and it's hard not to get flashbacks right now, even though Mr. Cute Guy seems to have great potential and probably is legit sleeping right now. What should I do? Text him again? Ignore it and go back to sleep or do something else? Wait for him to message me? Count this as a "strike" against him? And how on Earth do I keep that anxious "he's standing me up" feeling at bay right now when I don't know for sure?
nyc_guy2003 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 When I was in the honeymoon phase of relationships I would set 3 alarms to make sure I was on time for every date. It sounds like you kind of scared him off with the being-surprised-he-talks-about-you comment to the friend.
johan Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 It's a bit lame to sleep through the time when you've agreed to meet someone. And it is irritating to be the one kept waiting. It may be an honest mistake, and being understanding about it is good as long as he apologizes and means it. Otherwise, it makes the most sense to just make other plans, and when he does decide to get off his lazy ass and give you a call, just let him know today doesnt seem like the best day and maybe you can reschedule for another time when he has less going on. It is for you to decide where your boundaries are and what constitutes respect and what otherwise is ok. Because this kind of thing bothers you, I suggest you assert yourself gently but unambiguously. Next time he'll set three alarms like the previous poster suggested. And I don't agree that your comment to the other guy scared him off. If he's really that sensitive to that kind of thing, then you never had any hope with the guy to start with. It probably depends how you said it. If you got teary-eyed and all touched about it, then that wouldn't look good. If you were more matter-of-fact about it, then that shouldn't even register. Hope you're having fun at the beach.
SingVoice Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 UGH I agree...it's soooo hard not to jump to conclusions when the last person you dated did those same things. I know that because of an ex I had...I always assume that I am being stood up...or that if I don't hear from him...he's ignoring me. It does ease up as time goes on, but you really have to make a conscious effort to give someone the benefit of the doubt. That being said...sure...he might be sleeping. BUT- if he knew that last night was really brutal...he might have communicated that to you in case something like this happened. Still....hopefully when he wakes up...he apologizes. If he doesn't....that's when you know you have a problem.
Dorie Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 OP, make other plans for the day. As hard as it is, withhold conclusions until he contacts you. Do not contact him. No texts, no calls. Anything less than a profuse apology on his part should be grounds for you dumping him.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks y'all for your advice! I've decided that I'm setting a firm 3 strikes rule. meaning, three times that he doesn't contact me when he's supposed to within a certain amount of time, and three times he bails on a date, then I'm through with him. I gave my ex way too many chances, and I was proven the fool with him, so never again am I putting up with it. I'm still unsure if I should count this as strike one or not, since he did contact me within the hour (as opposed to my ex..waiting hours, maybe even days before contacting me again...three times I went two weeks without word from him..so less than an hour is nothing comparatively) That being said, about five minutes after I posted this thread, he called! He did apologize, and asked if I wanted to still go to the beach. I asked if he had just woken up and he said he had. Apparently he drank some last night with his buddies, and stayed up till five in the morning cleaning (he told me why, but I forget). He woke up soon before he called me. We ended up going to the beach with his two best friends and their girlfriends, and it was fun But what do y'all think: strike one, or just a warning?
oaks Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 But what do y'all think: strike one, or just a warning? So long as you tell him it's Strike 1 then that should be the right sort of warning.
Chocolat Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 So long as you tell him it's Strike 1 then that should be the right sort of warning. It would be a strike for me. When I make plans with someone, I honor them, and I expect the other person to do the same (barring emergency). I don't think staying up until 5am to drink with buddies is a good reason to have let your plans slide. If nothing else, it suggests he is verrrrry casual in his intentions with you.
sugarmomma Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Strike one definitely. Don't make excuses for him.
Mme. Chaucer Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Strike one!!!!! E S, why is the guy in the avi pic with you sporting a surgical mask?
aliceinchains Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I wouldn't even worry about it, it's not a big deal. If it happens again, teach him a lesson and don't make yourself available to him.
D-Lish Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I wouldn't even give someone a 3 strike advantage. He kinda sqeaked through today because he responded immediately- but if YOU hadn't have texted him, do you think you would have gotten a call when you did? You have to look at it this way, when someone is interested, they will set an alarm to get up and see you no matter how tired they are. The next time you have plans, don't prompt him- see how he follows through without any prompting from you.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I wouldn't even give someone a 3 strike advantage. He kinda sqeaked through today because he responded immediately- but if YOU hadn't have texted him, do you think you would have gotten a call when you did? You have to look at it this way, when someone is interested, they will set an alarm to get up and see you no matter how tired they are. The next time you have plans, don't prompt him- see how he follows through without any prompting from you. I'm 90% positive he would have. He calls or texts everyday, and initiates just about all contact. I think I have initiated it only like four times in the past three weeks we've been getting to know each other - one time being today. For our first two dates, he was right on time (forty minutes early for the second one) and was actually worried that I'd stand him up both times. But regardless, I think I agree with y'all that this should be strike one. I was teasing him today at the beach about it, and he said he was sorry a few times, but said I'd get over it (jokingly). He knew I was pissed though since I got up at 9 after telling him yesterday that I was tired and wanted to sleep in today...so I'm pretty sure he knows that this was strike one against him.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 When I was in the honeymoon phase of relationships I would set 3 alarms to make sure I was on time for every date. It sounds like you kind of scared him off with the being-surprised-he-talks-about-you comment to the friend. I don't think that my response to hearing that he talks about me would scare him off Especially since the conversation went like: "So I hear you are going to the beach with Mr. Cute Guy tomorrow?" "Yeah..how did you know about that? He told you?" (while thinking if I posted it on Facebook or told someone else) "Yeah he told me..what, are you surprised he talks about you?" "Yeah...I guess I just didn't really think about it, and didn't think he would" "Well, yeah, he does" Today while swimming in the ocean, I told him about running into our friend, and he told me that he was told that last night by him, and said that our friend told him that I was surprised he talks about me. He told me himself that yeah...he talks about me, and I said basically the same thing about just not thinking about it
D-Lish Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Well the next time you guys make plans, let him do the follow through. It's easy to initiate- but if he's always going to initiate and wait for you to prompt the following through, he's not relationship material.
Nexus One Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) To be honest the reactions of female forum members in this thread give off kind of a constricting vibe. I understand that you've had experiences with guys that flaked on more than one occasion, but that doesn't mean that all guys have to be judged by the same standards. When the guy had a busy day the previous day and was up until 5AM, then it's not really surprising that he didn't reply to a 'good morning' text within one hour at 10AM. And he called as soon as he was up and still made it to the beach. But according to most people it's strike one already? To what kind of standards are you going to hold your boyfriends? I can tell you that most guys who are indeed genuinely interested in a woman wouldn't find it pleasant if they pick up on such a constricting vibe. Interest in a woman is one thing, a happy carefree relationship is the other side of the coin. Constriction is not part of that. If I was this guy and I read this thread I would be pissed off, as I would have done everything right within the boundaries of reasonableness, yet got judged negatively for it. He worked a busy day, but he made it through it, check. He went out with friends to early in the morning as it was a holiday, so he managed to spend time with his friends and blow off some steam from a stressed day, check. He got some needed sleep, check. He called Lilmisus as soon as he got up to give her the attention she wanted, check. He made it to his appointment at the beach, check. They had fun, check. What did that guy do to deserve a "strike one"? I don't know, but many of you seem to know, but that's because you're projecting behavior of other guys onto him, which isn't fair. It's fine if you have a 'three strikes out' rule, that's not the issue, but don't hand out strikes when they are unjustified. In my opinion this is an example of "creating a problem where there isn't any" and if there's one thing that many guys do not like, it's that. Edited July 5, 2011 by Nexus One
sm1tten Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 To be honest the reactions of female forum members in this thread give off kind of a constricting vibe. I understand that you've had experiences with guys that flaked on more than one occasion, but that doesn't mean that all guys have to be judged by the same standards. When the guy had a busy day the previous day and was up until 5AM, then it's not really surprising that he didn't reply to a 'good morning' text within one hour at 10AM. And he called as soon as he was up and still made it to the beach. But according to most people it's strike one already? To what kind of standards are you going to hold your boyfriends? I can tell you that most guys who are indeed genuinely interested in a woman wouldn't find it pleasant if they pick up on such a constricting vibe. Interest in a woman is one thing, a happy carefree relationship is the other side of the coin. Constriction is not part of that. If I was this guy and I read this thread I would be pissed off, as I would have done everything right within the boundaries of reasonableness, yet got judged negatively for it. He worked a busy day, but he made it through it, check. He went out with friends to early in the morning as it was a holiday, so he managed to spend time with his friends and blow off some steam from a stressed day, check. He got some needed sleep, check. He called Lilmisus as soon as he got up to give her the attention she wanted, check. He made it to his appointment at the beach, check. They had fun, check. What did that guy do to deserve a "strike one"? I don't know, but many of you seem to know, but that's because you're projecting behavior of other guys onto him, which isn't fair. It's fine if you have a 'three strikes out' rule, that's not the issue, but don't hand out strikes when they are unjustified. In my opinion this is an example of "creating a problem where there isn't any" and if there's one thing that many guys do not like, it's that. I know, I'm with you. I don't think this was bad enough to deserve a strike; it's lame and annoying, but your insecurity should not be his problem. I seriously read this as an honest mistake, not a potential red flag.
Chocolat Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 To be honest the reactions of female forum members in this thread give off kind of a constricting vibe. I understand that you've had experiences with guys that flaked on more than one occasion, but that doesn't mean that all guys have to be judged by the same standards. Hi Nexus, I don't see it as being constricting but a matter of courtesy. I would apply the same standard to a female friend, relative, or myself. The guy suggested the plans and the time for the plans, ergo, he had an obligation to either follow through or call and reschedule. Leaving her hanging is rude. Yesterday, I made plans with the guy I recently started dating to go to the beach this morning before him and I go to work. He suggested 11, and I said that worked. This was after him saying how ready he was for us to hang out again (later this week).
Els Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Nexus, he did not 'make it to his appointment at the beach'. He suggested 11. He woke up at 11.50. This must have made the date over an hour late. What would you think if a girl you were dating was over an hour late for her appointment and you were all ready? Would it not be a sort of 'strike'? I would be singing a different tune if they had been together for a long time and this was the first time he'd done that - people slip up sometimes, oversleep, yeah. But in the honeymoon phase, everyone's supposed to be on their best behaviour! If the guy is an hour late for a date in honeymoon phase, I don't think it's a very good sign.
strawberryshortstack Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 To be honest the reactions of female forum members in this thread give off kind of a constricting vibe. I understand that you've had experiences with guys that flaked on more than one occasion, but that doesn't mean that all guys have to be judged by the same standards. When the guy had a busy day the previous day and was up until 5AM, then it's not really surprising that he didn't reply to a 'good morning' text within one hour at 10AM. And he called as soon as he was up and still made it to the beach. But according to most people it's strike one already? To what kind of standards are you going to hold your boyfriends? I can tell you that most guys who are indeed genuinely interested in a woman wouldn't find it pleasant if they pick up on such a constricting vibe. Interest in a woman is one thing, a happy carefree relationship is the other side of the coin. Constriction is not part of that. If I was this guy and I read this thread I would be pissed off, as I would have done everything right within the boundaries of reasonableness, yet got judged negatively for it. He worked a busy day, but he made it through it, check. He went out with friends to early in the morning as it was a holiday, so he managed to spend time with his friends and blow off some steam from a stressed day, check. He got some needed sleep, check. He called Lilmisus as soon as he got up to give her the attention she wanted, check. He made it to his appointment at the beach, check. They had fun, check. What did that guy do to deserve a "strike one"? I don't know, but many of you seem to know, but that's because you're projecting behavior of other guys onto him, which isn't fair. It's fine if you have a 'three strikes out' rule, that's not the issue, but don't hand out strikes when they are unjustified. In my opinion this is an example of "creating a problem where there isn't any" and if there's one thing that many guys do not like, it's that. I agree with this post. I don't believe he deserves a strike, or even a warning. This is just how life IS sometimes.
carhill Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Did the buddies he was drinking with until 5am include his two best friends who went to the beach with you and he? As a younger man, if faced with similar circumstances, I generally gave women the benefit of the doubt. LOL. Now, as an older man, next. Too much foolish water underneath the bridge of incompatibility.
Author Lilmisus Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 To be honest the reactions of female forum members in this thread give off kind of a constricting vibe. I understand that you've had experiences with guys that flaked on more than one occasion, but that doesn't mean that all guys have to be judged by the same standards. When the guy had a busy day the previous day and was up until 5AM, then it's not really surprising that he didn't reply to a 'good morning' text within one hour at 10AM. And he called as soon as he was up and still made it to the beach. But according to most people it's strike one already? To what kind of standards are you going to hold your boyfriends? I can tell you that most guys who are indeed genuinely interested in a woman wouldn't find it pleasant if they pick up on such a constricting vibe. Interest in a woman is one thing, a happy carefree relationship is the other side of the coin. Constriction is not part of that. If I was this guy and I read this thread I would be pissed off, as I would have done everything right within the boundaries of reasonableness, yet got judged negatively for it. He worked a busy day, but he made it through it, check. He went out with friends to early in the morning as it was a holiday, so he managed to spend time with his friends and blow off some steam from a stressed day, check. He got some needed sleep, check. He called Lilmisus as soon as he got up to give her the attention she wanted, check. He made it to his appointment at the beach, check. They had fun, check. What did that guy do to deserve a "strike one"? I don't know, but many of you seem to know, but that's because you're projecting behavior of other guys onto him, which isn't fair. It's fine if you have a 'three strikes out' rule, that's not the issue, but don't hand out strikes when they are unjustified. In my opinion this is an example of "creating a problem where there isn't any" and if there's one thing that many guys do not like, it's that. You do make a good point, and now, a day later, I'm not even worried too much about it, if worried at all. Since I did give him a somewhat hard time about it yesterday, I think I'll maybe just take this as a "whoops" moment, and go from there. But just to point out a few things: He wasn't out drinking with the buddies till five..he went out for a bit, drank some at home, but cleaned his place up till five. According to him, it had something to do with his roommate? He didn't seem hungover yesterday, so I'm somewhat sure he didn't party too hard the night before. He knew I was going to be tired yesterday since I worked a double two days ago (the day before the date), and I told him that I wanted to sleep in some yesterday, but that eleven would work since he had to get to work before I did. So, the fact that I set my alarm for 9 in the morning when I wanted to sleep in till 11 (which I could have done if I'd known how late he'd sleep) and he didn't bother, just pissed me somewhat off. He told me yesterday that I should have slept till he called, but I didn't know when that was going to be. Like I said, now it's not that big of a deal to me, and you're right that we're being too harsh on him when it's an honest mistake. Plus, it's probably best that we waited 1.5 hours before going to the beach, or else I'd be more burned than I am now
carhill Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 My apologies for missing the cleaning part, as I must've blocked it out as a man, since no man I know, nor myself (my exW called me a 'neat freak' on many occasions), cleans their home at/until 5am after a long day/night at work. Brain fart, please excuse You like him; he's delicious. He has the gift of the smooth tongue. Hope he uses it carefully and with compassion. Good luck.
Star Gazer Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Three strikes is FAAAAAAAR too generous. I went through that with my infamous dbag, and it really made me question my judgment with the next few guys I dated. A guy gets an ignored strike IF and only if he has a completely fair and reasonable explanation, but if it happens again within a reasonable period of time (aka still in the dating stage), then I'm absolutely done with him, without any regrets.
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