lordgrenville89 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 So, I'll keep it short. She dumped me a few months back, over the phone, saying "it's me not you" and "lets be friends" and all the usual. I never really understood her real reasons, I tired to stay in touch but she would only occasionally reply to my messages and stuff and eventually I realised I was just being pathetic, wanting scraps of her attention. Well I saw her (didn't speak to her) the other day, she seemed really down and I have heard through mutual friends that she didn't do well on her exams and is redoing some courses...she was always really proud of doing well in school so I could see this hitting her hard... I really want to call her or something and 'test the waters', even if she is not interested in taking me back, it hurts me to see that she is unhappy and I want to be there for her as a friend. Is it really so bad to show a fellow human being some empathy?
smudge21 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I know that feeling all too well. Seeing them down and thinking you can jump into their lives and save them from whatever difficulties they have. Fact is, if they wanted your help, they'd ask for it. Instead she made a decision to end whatever it was between you and move on, and you've been working on doing the same since then. Just because you've heard rumours and seen them looking down, don't immediately thing its a reason to break NC and set yourself back. I think the important thing to ask her too is whether you could be friends with her. What if you started talking, got her laughing, then saw her occasionally as friends. Yeah, everything going great, then she tells you about this new guy she's started seeing... could you handle that, as a friend? Plus, this whole thing about seeing them sad and wanting to get in touch. There's also the other side to that coin, when we see our ex's having a great time and get sad, jealous, angry... the last thing on our mind is getting in touch. All that said, you will still do whatever you feel like doing. So if that is sending her a quick note then I would suggest you keep it short, simple, friendly but also distant. Don't make it out that you're willing to be her sholder to cry on when she feels like it, but simply show you still care and hope she's okay. Like I said, I know that feeling as I've been there. My solution was to show my concern to a mutual friend, knowing it would get back to her. I didn't break NC, but also showed I was concerned for her well being. I heard back later she thought that was nice. Nothing changed and we eventually parted ways but I guess it was a nice final gesture. We broke up as friends rather than enemies and I think it does depend on how you two broke up. How painful it was and whether there was cheating involved. You have to remember that you feel strong right now because you're NC and healing. Don't destroy that just because of a few rumours and things that you're not sure about. As far as you're concerned, the following day she may have had a great time. I'll reiterate what I said earlier - she's out of your life and has made that decision all herself. I doubt reminding her you care will change that.
thelovingkind Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Fact is, if they wanted your help, they'd ask for it. Yes to this. I see so many excuses around here - "Oh but he's too proud, he'd never reach out to me!", etc. - but the truth is when we want someone to be a part of our life we make it happen. I think it may just be those last gasps of denial, of still feeling like you're part of a mutual, caring relationship. But the other person made the choice to exit your life and give up what you had to offer, so they need to be the one who makes the choice to re-connect again.
geegirl Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Is it really so bad to show a fellow human being some empathy? It's never bad to show another fellow human being empathy but not at the expense of your healing and getting to a place of indifference. Under all that lies motive 1) you want to test the waters to see where it goes 2) you want to show her you care and maybe that will spark something in her. Stay on NC. She has friends and family to pick her up. Plus, seeing that she was not very interested in keeping contact with you, I don't believe it is worth the reach out.
Author lordgrenville89 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Thanks for the advice everyone. As I mentioned I wasn't NC at first, but this site gave me the inspiration and it really works. This week I've regressed a bit but I'm gonna keep at it...
Author lordgrenville89 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 So...I called her. I was flirting with this cute girl in my class today, so I was in a pretty confident mood It was a fun conversation but not too long or too personal. Now I'm just hoping I don't act like a fool and try take it any further.
Recommended Posts