archivist Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I have been in NC for 2 weeks now immediately after the break up. No "I miss you" or begging and pleading, clean break. I have been numb for most of the 2 weeks, the pain and sadness had started to hit me yesterday. I want to move on (for the sake of being a normal person again) but I still miss her terribly, I'm not ready to let go. To cut a long story short my ex is going through GIGS, right now she is confused and wants to be single. There were no warning signs but some of her actions / questions were different up until the break up and with hindsight I can see why. Her family has welcomed me as one of their own and likewise mine love her to. Her mum is distraught, my ex could not give her a proper explanation for ending what appeared to be a great relationship. She keeps telling me to give her space and time but at the same time is always pressuring my ex to contact me, they are not on good speaking terms right now. She's giving me hope and I'm lapping up every bit of it. Her closest cousin and friend doesn't understand why she sabotaged us and has mentioned that she is being irrational. They also understand that she is going through a quarter life crisis and tries to remind her what is important (family + me). She has been distant since the break up. She needs to get this out her system and I understand that. Whats most frustrating is that we never had any problems, one mistake by her has completely changed her outlook on us. She asked that same mutual friend if he thinks I will ever take her back again, maybe a year or two down the line. I'm not going to be waiting around for that. I know by then I will be happy with who I am and be mended, I may even be in love with someone wonderful then. I know all this already but the problem is I can't believe that this is the end of it and that's final. I've backed off and will not contact her, I have a feeling she is going to contact me a few months later. She has items of mine and I still have some of hers. Hopefully by then we will be less clouded by emotions, see things clearer and talk it out. I am keeping myself busy in the mean time, I have a great support network of friends and they do invite me to join them. I do go, sometimes I have to force myself to go, but sometimes I just out right do not want to go. I'd rather sit at home and read LS! Is that wrong? Sometimes I'd be with them all but I'm not really there, I just want to be around them but don't want to contribute much in terms of conversation. I've spent about 30mins typing this at work, I'm finding it hard to concentrate..
smudge21 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I think you have such a clear grasp on the whole situation. So often most of us have no idea and don't know what to do. You do seem to have some focus, which is extremely positive. That said, you're still doing the same things the rest of us do - clinging onto hope being the most obvious. I know it's hard to say goodbye totally, and even when we do, we sometimes keep a bit of contact, either through mutual friends or family. The fact remains you don't know what may or may not happen and you shouldn't focus on that, but instead focus on you and what you WILL do in the coming months. She's made all the decisions so far, now it's time for you to make some, for you. You've obviously read a lot here and know that NC is the only way to get over someone the same as it is to get back with someone. She can't miss you until you're gone, so go. As you've said, down the line things may change, but by then, you may have moved on totally and all those feelings will be long gone, you may even be in love with another. So be it. It's sad when things end and we so try to make sure they don't, sometimes not even willing to believe they have. You have great support around you which is important so I'm sure you'll do fine with this, but there will be times when you feel terrible (just as they'll be times when you feel great), you just have to weather that storm. Stay on LS and offer advice to others - I find that helps me a lot.
Mack05 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) First of all mate, massive respect for staying NC. I can hold up my hand and say I couldn't do it when I was in your stage. Sadly there is no easy fix here mate. The numbess and shock is about to wear off and now you are about to be hit with so many different emotions and a million thoughts. This right here is the toughest time to stay NC. There is no easy solution for the next few weeks and months. You will just have to deal with your emotions and feelings in the correct way. It's a very uncomfortable process but it will pass. Time doesn't heal all wounds. Grieving in the correct way does. Either way it will require a lot of courage and self discipline to remain NC. Your hurting, you want the pain the stop so it's natural to reach out to the only person in the world who you believe can stop this enormous hurt and pain. The thing is though this person will only give you more hurt and more pain, not take it away. To more you chase someone, when they have asked for NC the more you push them away. Trust me... I agree with you that she will contact you in a few months, but maybe you might not want to talk to her, maybe you will. Time will tell. It's hard not to have the thought process of maybe in a few months, she will realise she has done something stupid and will want you back. Here is the thing though. We tend to make excuses for our ex's and label them with something. GIGS, BPD, Life crisis, Family crisis etc etc etc. At the end of the day they still left us. Even if you did back together, there is a strong chance when the next crisis comes along they will up and leave again. Just go through the pain mate and don't rush it. This whole process will make you a better person. I highly recommend going to Therapy and/or reading self help books. "I can mend your broken heart" and "Getting past your breakup" are books that helped me enormously. They will also help with NC. At this stage it's great to have distractions. Work out in the mornings and the evenings (I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS). It's ridicously hard to get out of bed when your so sad but trust me it will be the making of you. Lean on your support network (family and friends). Come to LS as smudge said. Offer advice, vent whatever it takes to stay NC. Write letters to your ex. But never send them. This is really therapeutic when you are really close to breaking NC. Also, write a journal and write down the very first thoughts that come into your mind (it's normally a good idea to password protect these kind of documents! :-) I wish you luck mate. The next few weeks are going to be hard. But you can do it. Edited July 4, 2011 by Mack05
Author archivist Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 So I've been in touch with my friend who has been with her on Sunday, it kind of gives me closure. But I still romanticise in my head how it will all work out when she comes back, how I will handle it, what we will talk about.. I'll just post some main points: : shes still super confused with the way her life is heading : and i would deem her totally unready for anything serious. until she gets out of this job : thing is she knows it : but shes young.....and its fun still : she says to me, that she hopes u will forgive her : but she knows she wont want anything serious with u until she gets this stuff out of her system : the way i see it. everything will change from 6 months to a year. i told her it will already be too late : i told her this : she agreed : i don't think she looks that long term
Mack05 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 As hard as it is you have to start letting this girl go. Part of doing that, is accepting the relationship is over and will always remain over. I know it's hard, but romanticisig about what you are going to say in 6 months is going to keep you stuck in a rut. There is a very slim chance she will be back and if she did come back how you trust her again?
fanatic31 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Honestly, you almost described my exact situation. Everything was going well and then boom, she is confused, doesnt know if she is ready, etc (she was 27). I even had the same contact with her friend who couldnt understand it and was saying things like it will work out, etc. You are a better person than me though, because I could not go NC right away. I will say this, the best thing to do is try not to look back and dwell on everything. I always find myself looking back and saying, wow, it was so good, so fun, how could it possibly get to this point? It's never going to make complete sense. I wish the best for you.
Author archivist Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 Thanks for the reality check guys, appreciate it. So it's 4am and I'm unable to sleep. I was at a BBQ earlier with our mutual friend, he mentioned that my ex wants to call me to see if I'm ok. But she doesn't know what she wants to say to me, he said if that's the only reason then it is probably best to leave me alone, and i agree. The only thing is this has now got my mind restless. I haven't really had many sleepiness nights for a while until today, I'm a bit confused and just need to write my thoughts down. i know what i need to do and I'm sticking to it, i admit that my motivation in doing it isn't 100% genuine but none the less its the best thing to do. I will stick to NC and try my best to move on. I cant move on until i let go, this is also because i feel that if i dont let go, and better myself, get my confidence back my ex will never give us a second thought. I've been thinking about transferring to work in another country, i have plenty of friends out there, it's fairly easy to do in my company and a change of scenery would be good for me. Only thing is my ex also flys to this country for work. I cant honestly say if I'm thinking about doing this for me for her. The pace of life is much faster over there and lots of opportunities to meet new people. Realistically i cant transfer until january and that's only if there is a position available. So I've still got time to think it through properly.
Author archivist Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I've also downloaded how to get past your break up, i think it will keep me busy for tonight, thanks Mack. Sorry to hear about your situation fanatic, if your pain is anything like mine I truly hope we can get through this an be stronger people. I know we will, it's just a matter of time and our motivation. I know if she came back right now there a lot of issues which need to be worked on and it is unlikely to work. But I do have faith in her to be able to do it and I believe I can to. But that decision rest with her, and we both need to be in a healthy sate of mind to be able to do that.
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