Thinking about Breaking NC....so posting here.

[EgoJoe]

Had a perspective change, feel like crap about the angry letter yet I wasn't insulting...miss who she WAS when the R/S was good, realizing mistakes I made and changes I made during the R/S that weren't noticed and just overall feeling like crap.

 

My perspective change was due to a conversation with another EX on a short term relationship that was really just a fling. She explained to me how she handled loss and the reaction of her boyfriend. Doesn't change anything that happened but it makes me more inclined to believe the "i'm broken" etc. etc.

 

I still don't buy it all and I'm just fighting the urge to send a letter trying to assuage my guilt and end things on better terms.

 

Please, let me have it and tell me not to.

[0hpenelope]

How can you end something on better terms when it already ended? I know what you're talking about but honestly brother, you're jumping back on a boat that's already gone and sunk.

 

Can you honestly say that your ex will react in the way you hope she will? Are you being completely honest if you're telling yourself "It doesn't matter how she reacts, I just wanna let her know and see what she says," and that you really won't get hurt?

 

We all feel guilty about our shortcomings in the relationship. This is just the rose-colored glasses coming off because now, you're seeing things much clearer. It makes you want to apologize and all that stuff. That's great and all, but everyone brings in imperfections in the relationship. A solid couple works through those together, forgives, and accepts.

 

If I may remind you bluntly, your ex breaking up with you means she doesn't want to work through things with you. She can, but she chose not to. Breaking up is easier to do than to work on things. Why do you want to pursue communication with someone who essentially said "I'm done with you and I'm done with us" and why isn't this making you want to avoid that person until you feel much better about yourself?

 

Just let it go. Ride out this impulse and leave it alone. Don't beat the dead horse and work through the bad stuff in your head and heart. You don't owe her anything at this point.

 

But if you want to contact her still, I just hope that your effort will be helpful to your healing.

Edited July 4, 2011 by 0hpenelope

[EgoJoe]

The truth is that I don't know the truth. I'm not going to contact because in that letter I said I wouldn't I said I'm moving on for good. I'm trying to and yet this damn hope won't die.

 

I posted here to be berated for thinking about it. Truth is that I have thought about it before but not as heavily since last night. Such a convoluted breakup with an end that was stupid.

[bikinibeach]

here is what i am doing.

 

i desperately want to reach out to my tonight. i has been one month nc.

 

i might feel like the right thing to do right now but emotions will mess with your head.

 

i've told myself that if it still feels right one week from today, then i can do it.

[stray]

There are two reasons why you should break what we call "NC":

 

1. If you sincerely are prepared and actually desire to get catastrophically rejected and/or even hear that they're now seeing other people and are disinterested in you.

 

2. If you really feel like you have a shot at getting them back. And I mean, if you have logical, rational reasons to believe that if you say "A", they'll rspond with "B". If you don't know, then the above rule is left to apply.

 

If you can't handle the rejection and you're not sure how they'll respond, then save your dignity. Because if you can't handle the rejection, you will massively regret making contact.

[EgoJoe]

Thank you for the replies. I just feel like an idiot for firing off an angry message. I don't even know if it was read, I received no response.

 

I guess it all boils down to the BS ending. I am not without fault yet...we didn't work on anything.

[wilsonx]

EgoJoe let it go man, the relationship ending was not your fault, it was both parties, or more hers if she was cheating on you.

 

if you think you made mistakes and then do not make those same mistakes in the next relationship. This is a learning experience.

 

Even for me, I have never dated anyone with GIGS before, I did not know what the **** was going on and why it ended. I was the perfect boyfriend, alpha male, lead the relationship only to find out that she left me for a beta male that called her hot all the time and wants to party all the time. Did i make mistakes, yea, so did she and she ended it with me in the worst way possible but its over, nothing i can do or say to her will change it and its time to move forward. If she did a blow up and gave you a 1000394 reasons why you failed in the relationship when she broke up with you, she was validating the breakup to herself and not to you. You have to let that go even though it hurts... one of the pety reasons my ex broke up with me she said I was good but not great (lol).. which everyone and and their mom knew i was great to her, she just got busted cheating and did everything to validate breaking up with me to herself

[0hpenelope]

Thank you for the replies. I just feel like an idiot for firing off an angry message. I don't even know if it was read, I received no response.

 

I guess it all boils down to the BS ending. I am not without fault yet...we didn't work on anything.

You sent the email, Joe?

 

It's okay. Either way, whether you get an answer or you don't, it's still an answer. Just try to sit through the anger next time. Cluing her in that her memory still has such a hold over you is never good.

 

No berating from good ol' Penny, either. This is normal break up reaction stuff. It's like... gosh, I don't even know how to describe it. Delayed reaction? Progressive realizations that cause anger? Who knows. Your ex doesn't deserve even that anger, Joe. Not even that.

[EgoJoe]

I didn't break NC. I sent her an angry message after our last CONFUSING flurry of contact. On the 8th of June. It's in my "I broke NC and it was good and bad.." thread.

 

I sent a, "I don't want you back, I'm moving on for good, that picture was low (contemptuous look rather than responding to how long she didn't want to hear from me yet letting me know she had been online), I wanted to break up with you so many times but I didn't know how (actually repeated that twice and was editing out before I sent it by accident, laptop cursor pad go go), I pushed your boundaries and you pushed mine etc. etc. I called stuff a copout. No swearing or insulting but still, I feel dumb."

 

I AM NOT going to break no contact. This is why I am posting here. I guess the reason for it is I'm pretty sure she really didn't have someone else and she probably cracked between school, work at school, family dying, our fights (which weren't that bad), my previous negativity (which I was working on), full time job at home, being young and stressed then suddenly being the boss and making new friends.

 

Add LDR to that and kaboom: relationship blowup. Also, I was pushy for answers and did admit to being with another girl before we got to commitment phase after spending a summer together. I'm rehashing but I feel ok for the moment.

 

Honestly, I KNOW things could have been worked out but we didn't. ****, she even said that the other girl thing wasn't the last straw...either hypocrisy or the more likely she remembers the dozens of times that she told me it was ok because we weren't commited etc. etc.

 

I feel dumb for sending that message because she in effect while saying "don't wait for me." was also making it clear that she'd be ready to "talk" at some point. I know I really did hurt her in some ways but did that warrant all of this? Maybe but she rejected my support when things were getting better and I got out of my funk when the economy started to pick up.

Edited July 4, 2011 by EgoJoe
Clarity

[Mack05]

Joe you know my opinion on this so no point in me re-posting it.

 

On June 8th you broke NC -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281726/

You felt there was one more thing left to say. Now nearly a month later there is another thing left to say. My point when you are obsessing about the relationship (which we all do in the immediate post break up) there will always be one more thing left to say.

 

You posted this on the 14th of June -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t282600/

Joe it's a good thread with good advice. Listen to your own advice. It's time to respect your ex and her right to move on. It's time to respect yourself and give yourself the best chance of getting over this hurt and pain.

 

I no longer have the urge to break NC. I'm over my last relationship. When I did have urges to break NC, I keep re-reading this "God give me the power to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference". There are things in life Joe we all wish we could change, wish we could do something different. There is nothing worse then feeling powerless. The person we love will not take us back no matter what we do or say. This can lead is to do stupid things and act of out character. The only way to overcome this Joe is by regaining your own power. The best way to do that is staying NC and stop focusing on her and the relationship. You have done that enough already. Time to put the focus fully on you. Time to heal..

 

I posted this is my NC thread. It's reasons to break NC, but never should. Enough is enough mate..It's time to start moving on..

 

"I Must have Closure". You may have many questions, but you need to accept that some will never get answered. Even if you have questions that seem to drive you crazy, you must decide that the answers don't matter, probably won't make sense, probably aren't going to satisfy you and are not going to give you any sense of closure. It is your responsibility to accept that you may have to close this chapter without answers, explanations, and without input from someone else. It is not only possible for you to survive without the answers but it's necessary. Staying in the questions, repeating them and ruminating over the possible answers will only keep you stuck. Despite your fervent belief that somehow one final scene with your ex will lead to closure, it will not. You don't need to know what your ex thinks or why your ex did this or that, to move on. If you want closure, you need to do the grief work, intergrate the experience into your life and turn the page. That is how closure happens...FROM WITHIN..

 

"I just need to make sense of it all" and "I just have one more thing to say to you before I let go"...You may think that if you can just talk sense into your ex, then everything will be fine. You may have heard illogical or unreasonable explanations that left you stunned and speechless at the time, but now they go round and round in your head and you can think of a thousand rebuttals to them all. As you ruminate on the things your ex said, you come up with reasons your ex is wrong, and then you start to imagine how having a change to talk things out will resolve all the misunderstandings. It becomes your impassioned belief that you can have a conversation and turn the wrongheadedness around. If your ex dumped you and you think it was the wrong thing to do, he or she needs to figure that out. You can't be the one to "fix" your ex's thinking. The bottom line is that if your ex see's things in a cockeyed way now, he or she is going to continue to see things the same way whenever you are not around to correct this twisted prespective. It takes hard work and constant vigilance to keep someone "thinking correctly", and you don't want that kind of responsibility or control. The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours

[EgoJoe]

I know Mack and thank you. I was just entertaining the notion for too long so I posted.

[0hpenelope]

I didn't break NC. I sent her an angry message after our last CONFUSING flurry of contact. On the 8th of June. It's in my "I broke NC and it was good and bad.." thread.

 

I sent a, "I don't want you back, I'm moving on for good, that picture was low (contemptuous look rather than responding to how long she didn't want to hear from me yet letting me know she had been online), I wanted to break up with you so many times but I didn't know how (actually repeated that twice and was editing out before I sent it by accident, laptop cursor pad go go), I pushed your boundaries and you pushed mine etc. etc. I called stuff a copout. No swearing or insulting but still, I feel dumb."

 

I AM NOT going to break no contact. This is why I am posting here. I guess the reason for it is I'm pretty sure she really didn't have someone else and she probably cracked between school, work at school, family dying, our fights (which weren't that bad), my previous negativity (which I was working on), full time job at home, being young and stressed then suddenly being the boss and making new friends.

 

Add LDR to that and kaboom, relationship blowup. Also, I was pushy for answers and did admit to being with another girl before we got to commitment phase after spending a summer together. I'm rehashing but I feel ok for the moment.

 

Honestly, I KNOW things could have been worked out but we didn't. ****, she even said that the other girl thing wasn't the last straw...either hypocrisy or the more likely she remembers the dozens of times that she told me it was ok because we weren't commited etc. etc.

 

I feel dumb for sending that message because she in effect while saying "don't wait for me." was also making it clear that she'd be ready to "talk" at some point. I know I really did hurt her in some ways but did that warrant all of this? Maybe but she rejected my support when things were getting better and I got out of my funk when the economy started to pick up.

Got it. Thanks for the rehash Joe, and I feel a little bad that you had to remember all of that all over again based on my post to you.

 

Keep venting. I went through a bit of a rehash moment earlier too, but I'm composed now. I understand how hurtful it is when we're willing to be halfway and then the other half just drops us like a hot potato. Also, I like this part: "I know I really did hurt her in some ways but did that warrant all of this? Maybe but she rejected my support when things were getting better and I got out of my funk when the economy started to pick up." You're acknowledging that you hurt her, but you're also saying "Wait a minute! I tried to do good, too! To work on things! Yet she didn't want it anyway!" I think it's good to acknowledge that so that you're not stuck in the self-blame mode. It's really easy to wallow in that phase and you're not staying put there, so that's great.

 

You did the best you could to deal with the situation at the time you sent that message.

[EgoJoe]

It all came across as "pressure" and "pushyness" what is sad is she never took any of the easy outs. It had to be my fault in the end I guess. Who knows and who cares.

 

I have all of my "answers" from her and from all of the advice I have been getting. I really did just need to vent and get some support, heh. Maybe I should have posted in the Coping thread? I don't know.

[EgoJoe]

Mack, I might add, we weren't "broken up" until I got ahold of her on the 7th. After three weeks of NC.

[0hpenelope]

Nah, you're good here I think. Mods will move the thread if they see it has to be moved.

 

This phase? Totally normal and awful. You'll feel better, then you'll find yourself down again, then you'll feel better again, etc. Nothing much to do but just go through the feelings. For myself, I'll do that and actively distract myself at the same time.

[EgoJoe]

I want the hope to die and yet I want to see her again. It's sooooo dumb.