nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Feel so disillusioned about relationships lately. In real life I dont know any example of a couple who are still together who are in my family or family/friends situation. I am at the stage where I don't stand for being treaten like crap anymore and i have very little tolerance for men who show red flag signs. Here is my list that i require after so much trial and error with other guys. Am i being unreasonable? -Lives within approx half an hour from me -Is from my city or permanently staying- im not interested in guys who are flighty and dont now where they are going to end up. -Don't smoke or do drugs and dont hang around drug uses or 'party houses' -Don't live with a female friend/roomate- living with family is fine -No excessive tatoos or piercings -Not in contact with ex gf's or have many 'close female friends' -Someone who is not selfish in bed or has weird/creepy interests -Someone who works or studies -Someone who doesnt live in a gross filthy house that makes me nauesous -Someone who wont be overly critical -Must like giving and receiving physical affection -Cant own a cat- im allergic -Eventually wants marriage and kids -Not an excessive flirt or a guy who hangs around with buddies who are all single and view him as whipped for being respectful to his gf -Has clear boundaries and will stand up for me against family/friends etc -Is in regular contact -Doesnt sulk if has to hang out with my family or friends occasionally -No overwhelming obsession with anything that impacts his life -Is not obese or physically unclean or low hygiene Now this is pretty hard to find. I am not at all fussy about looks, most people wonder why i date the guys I do. My current guy is in his 20s and already balding and not a 6 pack guy, hes got a beer belly. The problem is his house makes me feel sick as its so dirty and gross and i cant even eat there. He thinks it's fine, we just have different ideals about what is nice and what isn't. He also sometimes smells a bit. He is also a virgin and totally inexeperienced and doesnt contact me too much. He is addicted to video games and ive told him Im not interested in making it official right now and want to just casual date and get to know each other for the minute. Now i'm educated, employed, attractive, kind, funny and have a great social life and good values and men who are at the same level seem so hard to find.
welikeincrowds Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 You really can't find this where you are? Cat-hating aside, these sound like requirements for being considered an adult. Maybe you need to move.
Author nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Im in a large city in Aus and i cant move as this is where all my work, family and friends are. I think it might be guys on the internet. They all seem so dodgy, i keep hoping i'll find a keeper but its taking its time. I thought i met the right guy but he turned out to be an emotionally abusive commitment phobe and totally changed after the first 3 months. He would just criticise everything i did how i walked, talked, sat, ate and would not let me sit near him or show affection and then he was also selfish in every way and wouldnt go out with my friends or fmaily and we could only ever do what he wanted so i just want a decent guy this time.
oaks Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Am i being unreasonable? -Is from my city or permanently staying- im not interested in guys who are flighty and dont now where they are going to end up. -Don't live with a female friend/roomate- living with family is fine -Not in contact with ex gf's or have many 'close female friends' Yes, I think you're being unreasonable, particularly with the requirements I quoted above.
Author nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Yes, I think you're being unreasonable, particularly with the requirements I quoted above. Really?? My last ex spent all day chatting to girls on fb and they would exchange i love yous etc and i thought it was inapppropriate. There are friends and then there are' single girls' a guy keeps on the back burner. These girls only showed interest when he was taken and didnt have much interest when he was single either. I think they just liked attention. Also i dont want someone still emotionally invested in their ex. I thought that was a reasonable deal breaker. The city thing is because I dont want to be with a guy who has just come here to work for a short time, which a lot of guys do and then they move away. Right now i want to live near my family and friends and i dont want to move. If a guy has plans to stay here in the near future that is fine but just no transient guys. Sharing homes is not as common in Australia as in the US i dont think so its not hard to find guys who live on their own. Its only the out of town guys i mentioned above that i seem to keep meeting who have no ties to my city at all who share.
Author nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Its funny oaks prior to my last bad experience those 3 points were not on my list and i would have thought they were unreasonale just like you. But i think bad relationship experiences shape what we want out of future relationships. Had there been no hassle with the female roommate it wouldnt bother me in future relationships and same with the city and friends comment. Its not always fair but there are some situations which leave me with a bad taste in my mouth and now i know i will continue to be bothered by it so the best way to make it a non issue is to avoid it in the future.
oaks Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Keeping girls on the back burner, or being emotionally invested in an ex, aren't unreasonable deal-breakers, but that's not what you said in your list. I don't see why having close female friends should be a problem. If your guy is flirting with them, or keeping them around in case things don't work out with you, then that could be a problem, but to say that a guy can't have close female friends would be, to me, a totally unreasonable requirement.
amethyste Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Considering that you've already had previous bad experiences, I don't think you're unreasonable with your "list". If YOU think you're unreasonable, you could split those qualities into mandatory/ required ones & "not-so-important" ones.
Eeyore79 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I would expect most of those things as standard, and wouldn't consider them to be requirements. Obviously someone should be clean, non-creepy, non-obese, not do drugs, not live with another woman or be dragging on a relationship with an ex, contact you regularly and be interested in a lasting relationship - that goes without saying. Wanting someone who doesn't smoke, isn't tattooed, and has a job is basically saying that you want a certain type of clean-cut person, which is perfectly fine. Wanting someone who lives close enough to date regularly is also ok. The cat thing is a very personal requirement but it's reasonable considering your allergy - personally I require a dog lover with no allergies because I have a dog. The thing about "no overwhelming obsession" is the only one I have issue with - are you saying you don't want him to have a hobby? I'm fine with a guy having a hobby or obsession if he enjoys it and it doesn't push other things (i.e. me) out of his life. So in general, no, I don't think you're being unrealistic. Your current guy sounds gross though - if he's inexperienced then maybe he could use some pointers about hygiene, how often to contact a girl, how to make time for her in his life, etc. I wouldn't continue to date him if he continues to be unhygienic.
Author nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 I mean that is my dream list and i realise i might never get a guy who absolutely fills all of them or i might meet a guy who sweeps me off my feet who goes against some of them and thats fine. I find i never end up with who i expect anyway. Its good though for the first time i'm not just looking to date anyone for the sake of it. I am loving being single and have lots going on and im happy to wait for mr right i just hope hes out there somewhere. I think i will end it with the current guy. I think the lack of hygiene has just turned me off too much to continue.
Author nothappyjan Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 I would expect most of those things as standard, and wouldn't consider them to be requirements. Obviously someone should be clean, non-creepy, non-obese, not do drugs, not live with another woman or be dragging on a relationship with an ex, contact you regularly and be interested in a lasting relationship - that goes without saying. Wanting someone who doesn't smoke, isn't tattooed, and has a job is basically saying that you want a certain type of clean-cut person, which is perfectly fine. Wanting someone who lives close enough to date regularly is also ok. The cat thing is a very personal requirement but it's reasonable considering your allergy - personally I require a dog lover with no allergies because I have a dog. The thing about "no overwhelming obsession" is the only one I have issue with - are you saying you don't want him to have a hobby? I'm fine with a guy having a hobby or obsession if he enjoys it and it doesn't push other things (i.e. me) out of his life. So in general, no, I don't think you're being unrealistic. Your current guy sounds gross though - if he's inexperienced then maybe he could use some pointers about hygiene, how often to contact a girl, how to make time for her in his life, etc. I wouldn't continue to date him if he continues to be unhygienic. No i'm not talking a hobby, i like guys with outside interests. I mean if he is obsessed with something i.e world of warcraft and plays all day and all night etc, something like that.
Recommended Posts