Virgil Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 First time here, so some background would probably be helpful. The basics: My girlfriend of 5 (almost 6) months broke up with me 3 weeks ago now. I had a lot of personal problems that she couldn't handle; I was mainly extremely negative/depressed and it wore her out. She tried to cope but it was too much and she didn't want to deal with it in the future. She did also say that she didn't see a future with me, mostly because of my problems (I think). So she broke up with me which left me devastated. The good news is that she misses me (she told me so), still has feelings for me (again, she told me so, but said that she's trying to "switch to thinking of me as a friend"), and, obviously, wants to stay friends with me. She actually said that she would "be sad" if she had to cut me out of her life because I'm a "great person" (both of those are direct quotes). Now we're in the friends stage. I want to get back together with her but she seems pretty hell-bent on staying apart, though she is stubborn by personality and I think that's exactly what she's doing right now. She put up walls and won't let anyone take them down, least of all me. I know she has feelings but she doesn't want to build on them. I don't know why, but she doesn't. Anyway, we're friends now and have been talking pretty frequently, at least once a day, but we have gone days at a time with no talking. I know it may be suggested that I go NC with her. Thing is, she told me she misses me less when we don't talk. So I talk to her every day so she misses me at least a little. Today and yesterday we talked about just random stuff to make small talk. I told her I'm getting my hair cut soon, to which she responded "hair cuts= haha jk. Have fun at the barber!" Then later, after I described the length of my hair she said "ah! nice!! no way you can cut it! I'm sure it looks perfect!!!!" And later in conversation: "keep it then! I'm sure you look like a stud. lol" And later (I had just told her I might grow it out again): "good I hope you do! your hair looks so cute longer :p" So a recap on what she said: -"hair cuts= haha jk. Have fun at the barber!" -"ah! nice!! no way you can cut it! I'm sure it looks perfect!!!!" -"keep it then! I'm sure you look like a stud. lol" -"good I hope you do! your hair looks so cute longer :p" Those are all direct, word for word quotes, too. However, when we talked earlier, like last week, I asked if she had feelings for me still. She answered yes, and I asked her "why kill a good thing? we should build on those feelings." She answered me and said "No Sorry Don't ask again :(" I'm getting mixed signals. On one hand, I think she's into me and kinda wants me back. On the other, I think she doesn't and is blocking me off on purpose for some reason I don't know. Extra details I think would help: -She has said she "misses me a lot" and misses my friendship and companionship. But she doesn't want to give me a shot. Not yet, anyway. -The day before the breakup we had an excellent date: got some dinner, saw a movie, and spent some time cuddling alone. There was a little tension about going away to school in the fall (and my negative attitude about that) but that was it. We had a great time together during that date, especially when we cuddled. -She feels pretty bad about the breakup. I think it's more guilt than regret, but I'm not sure. Either way, she cried about it the day after she ended it. -I asked if it would be weird to miss her when she goes on vacation, to which she replied "no :)" -She ended it 3 days before our anniversary. That's all I can think of for now. In case someone asks, I am working with someone to fix my problems. My guy friend who is also friends with my ex has told me I do have a chance with her, but it'll take a while to get her back (like, the winter), and even then there's no real guarantee. I miss her so much :'( Any comments or advice on this whole situation would be appreciated. Thanks in advance, Virgil
wilsonx Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX Shes playing you, keeping you around just in case her current situation doesn't work out. She says she misses you because she does, only at the friend level. You posting on the forums asking for advice means you have no idea how difficult it is to get out of the friends stage. I've done it but Ive spent years and years learning, watching, practicing, developing social dynamics. To get out of the friend zone, you have to rebuild attraction towards your ex which you can not do now because you haven't healed at all from the breakup because shes stringing you along. Right now, you are a beta male (friend). She broke up with you and you are now her puppet who she controls. In order to change this, you need to be the alpha male, the one that leads the relationship but you need to be fully healed from this breakup in order to do this Go NC I mean serious NC even when her bf leaves... heal yourself and find someone better that isn't going to play games with you Edited July 4, 2011 by wilsonx
iceweasel6 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Here is the deal. If you want to get your ex back and be her bf again and you make that intention known, the key is not to settle for "friends". Why? Because it sends a message that your not goal orientated, you have low self-esteem, you set low goals for yourself and settle for less than best. As an ex, why would I want second best? Seriously - if you want her back, tell her. If she says sorry, no don't ask again Say, cool sorry to hear I am not looking to be your friend. Best of luck.
Author Virgil Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Thank you for the responses. Is the best option really telling her my intentions? Why not build a friendship then go for a relationship? I feel that if I make my intentions clear I'll lose her forever, which I'm not ready for yet. If she wasn't so stubborn about this I would lay it all out on the table. But with her attitude, she would certainly think it's too much too soon. I appreciate both of your guys' advice on this though
wilsonx Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 why would you lower yourself to that level.... you were her boyfriend.... if she doesnt want that you shouldn't want to be her friend. But ok, I have a scenario for you... you accept the friend challenge only for her to start dating someone else then you. That doesn't work out then she does the same thing to someone else and skips you again! How would you feel? You would be ANGRY and eventually rage against her... Guess what there goes the friendship. You are back where you started at right now by posting on the forum 3-4 months from now. Why not take this opportunity to start healing yourself now, so 3-4 months from now you can make a big decision like this with a clear head after you lose the emotional attachment. I can tell you 12 days into NC I can see that my ex has mental problems... big time mental problems which i never noticed before until i was so in love with her
iceweasel6 Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I feel that if I make my intentions clear I'll lose her forever, which I'm not ready for yet. What you don't realize - is that you have already lost her. No need to be dramatic and say forever. It possibly not forever, but for now, and for who you are - yes - you all are broken up. Making your intentions known allows her to know what you want - in clear terms. No ambiguity. The reason why you are afraid is because your insecure, you have nothing to offer. Why should she get back together with you? What realizations have you made? What thoughts do you have on why we broke up? What have you done in your life that demonstrates that you will be able to manage our relationship differently in the future? What insights have you gained in our relationship as it pertains to my needs? What skills have you acquired that can demonstrate you have the capability to meet my needs? Are you capable of considering my emotions/feelings when making decisions in your life? You say you want to get back together, but what introspection have you done, and what conclusions have your made with respect to our relationship? What changes have you made in your life that demonstrate you understand how to make our new relationship succeed? Unless you have direct answers to each of these questions, and provide reasonings to why you believe you all should give it another shot without her having to ask you questions - you are not ready to re-enter a relationship with her. Work on yourself in the absence of her and make yourself a better person. From one guy to another - I believe in your ability to change. I believe that you can do anything that you focus your mind to. I want you to turn your energies, your effort, your love/feelings you have for ex- and invest it all into you! If you don't - be prepared to for the future WilsonX laid out - because that is where you will be heading. With you as a friend, she will date other people, sleep with other guys and the whole time you will be there. If you can handle that, proceed forth. Its not a right or wrong. There is no right or wrong way to approach or manage a relationship. Anyone who says this is the right way, and your way is the wrong way is obtuse. It's about choices and understanding the impact your choices have - and more importantly - living with and dealing with those choices. Best of luck dude.
Bronco Posted July 9, 2011 Posted July 9, 2011 (edited) Virgil, do yourself a favor. Go stand in front of a mirror, and look at yourself. Then be very honest and ask yourself this question: "Would any woman find this person attractive?" Just be honest answering that question. If the honest answer is, "Well...tell you what Virgil...the guy I seek in the mirror looks a total wreck. An unselfrespecting wimp who comes across as emotional, needy, desperate, clingy, with obviously a ton of issues to sort and settle in his head." If that is what you feel about the guy you see in the mirror, you need to immediately CEASE and DESIST any and all attempts to contact your ex GF or any other woman with the intention of dating her. You need to pull yourself out of the dating market, like they pull out race cars from the circuit for much needed maintenance. After some well needed refit, rest and recuperation, you will re-discover yourself, be the same confident person that attracted your GF in the first place. And then re-insert yourself on to the track and zip away with the confidence of a fine tuned race car. My friend, just from reading your Original Post, and response, you come across as 'unlovable' at this point. Women find low self esteem so 'unsexy' in a man. Even if that man happens to be the same guy that the woman had fallen head over heals for in the past. Ask yourself, your GF checked out of a relationship that she had entered into with a more confident you. What makes you feel that she will jump onto a relationship with a more broken down you whose self esteem lies shattered on the floor? When the good you was not good enough, why would the bad shatterred deseperate you become any attractive overnight? That is where NC comes into play. Mind you, NC will NOT magically get your GF knocking down your door and jumping into your bed. That may never ever happen. Or it may yet happen. What is guaranteed is your GF (or any other woman) would not come running for a man who doesnt feel confident about himself. Go NC. Go TOTAL NC. Even if she responds, do NOT reply, unless if it is an emergency ("Someone is dying, and Virgil you alone can bring them back to life", would be an acceptable emergency, even so your response should be NOT about her or your relationship. Even so, if I were you, I would still not respond!) After you check out of the urge to keep in contact with her and NC takes effect, you have serious work to do. Be honest about the way you screwed up. Work on yourself. 'Go to the gym' is cliched, but believe me it works wonders, more on your mind than your body. Say to yourself, "Damnit, Virgil, you are a MAN. You are the prize. Remember how she was starry eyed about you, smitten completely, hanging on to your every word. Well, you know what, I am going to re-discover and unleash that same Virgil back. Actually I will do even better. Physically, emotionally, dressing sense, confidence...in all respects, I will work on every single aspect to improve myself, FOR ME, and be the best I can". And mean it. And go for it. If you had anger issues, work on it. Read up about it. Think of the ways you screwed up, and remember the points that she mentioned were your faults (and which you honestly believe to be true). And work on them. How often in life do we have another person sit, sleep, live and breathe with us for years and then give us an appraisal on our good and not so good points. You got it free of cost, from this person. Hell, when I take my car for a tune up evaluation, the service guys charge me, unless I get it repaired there. So be glad you got a free 'romance worthiness' evaluation from her, that you can now use to improve yourself and land even better girls! How cool is that? Just fall off the face of this earth, so far as she is concerned. She is USING you as an emotional safety net. She was shrewd and cunning when she told you that she tends to forget you when you break contact. That is because you were so beholden to her, you have the body language of a puppy dog in her presence, and you blurt out your NC plans and strategies to her...because you think that by appearing like a mild mannered doormat, she will feel pity for you and the 'nice guy' that you are, and miss you. Sorry friend, she is bending you over and screwing you. Because you are happily allowing her to! STOP being a doormat. Stop settling for crumbs. Stop being that 'wimpy friend' to your ex. A tiger will never agree to exist as a sheep. A tiger would choose to not exist at all, rather than exist as a sheep. Why would you, her Lion King, so readily accept to be a friend? When she finds her next guy and lets him park his jimmy in her hooch, would you want to be the friend that she shares her sexual pleasures and questions with? Are you so worthless? Grow a freaking spine, and walk away with your pride, while you still have some left. Else, she will wipe her next BF's cum off her face with your deflated pride, and you will be left clapping. Harsh words, but true. I have seen some friends go through worse, because they willingly got 'Friendzoned' with their ex. Once 'friendzoned' you have no escape from the gruesome details of her BF banging her left, right and center. UP and down. Back and front. Do you want to be in that position? When one relationship breaks, even if the two former lovers re-unite, it has to be a NEW relationship. It helps if the lovers themselves have changed, and fixed the 'incompatible' areas. Take this time off, and work on your body, mind, and emotions that need being worked on. Salivating like a puppy at her door steps, begging for love, will only push her further away. Another guy, who is half as good as you, would come by, but show some confidence, and walk away with her, and be her 'rebound lover'. Which is why 'Rebound lovers' are often lousy guys, that girls latch on to to ride away from the painful thoughts and sights of their miserable BFs. Its another point that once the ex GF sails away from the ex-BF literally riding her 'rebound', the ex GF dumps her rebound sooner rather than later. None of that however will matter to you UNLESS you work on getting your self respect back. Go NC. Total NC. Dont even bother explaining to her that you are going NC, or why you are going NC. Just disappear. MOVE ON. Mentally and emotionally. Get yourself back. Then date other women. Dont date other women just to make your ex jealous. Date other women for your own good. ex-GF's have a tendency to reconnect, and miss ex BFs, when the BFs are over the ex GF. Does not mean that every ex GF will come looking for the ex BF. You shouldnt care about it. By then you may not care about your ex anymore, as you would be in a relationship with a much more loving caring beautiful woman. Happens all the time. Just do NC for your own self. However, by just reading your response and your original post, I feel that you are so broken, and directionless, almost like a rudderless boat adrift in a huge storm, lurching about the high seas, tossed from one wave to another. Totally clueless. You may decide to go NC one day, and send 5 texts the other day, only to be back to square one. DO NOT GET TEMPTED TO BREAK NC. She will try and pull you out of NC to stoke her ego, every time she begins missing you. And to reassert her control over you, her puppy dog. DO NOT FALL FOR HER TRICKS. JUST VANISH. Allow her to begin missing you. Do not go starry eyed when you see a text on your phone with her name, and then feel compelled to write back. Ex GFs know how to work on the weak spots of ex BFs. She knows your game plan. She has you by your balls, or so she thinks. She doesn't know that you have no balls left. She destroyed them. You need to grow a new pair of balls afresh. And you need to be on top of your game. She will discover that you grew a new pair of balls when you turn your back and walk off, and never look back. She is just another girl. Just another vagina. At last count, there are 3500 million other vaginas on planet earth attached to such attractive and loving women. Dont make her the center of your universe. No woman should ever take that position. Because you are Lion King. The master of your universe. Dont become her puppy dog. In this game agreeing to be her 'Friend' is agreeing to be her 'puppy dog'. GO freakin NC. NOW!!! Edited July 9, 2011 by Bronco
Author Virgil Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 What you don't realize - is that you have already lost her. No need to be dramatic and say forever. It possibly not forever, but for now, and for who you are - yes - you all are broken up. Making your intentions known allows her to know what you want - in clear terms. No ambiguity. The reason why you are afraid is because your insecure, you have nothing to offer. Why should she get back together with you? What realizations have you made? What thoughts do you have on why we broke up? What have you done in your life that demonstrates that you will be able to manage our relationship differently in the future? What insights have you gained in our relationship as it pertains to my needs? What skills have you acquired that can demonstrate you have the capability to meet my needs? Are you capable of considering my emotions/feelings when making decisions in your life? You say you want to get back together, but what introspection have you done, and what conclusions have your made with respect to our relationship? What changes have you made in your life that demonstrate you understand how to make our new relationship succeed? Unless you have direct answers to each of these questions, and provide reasonings to why you believe you all should give it another shot without her having to ask you questions - you are not ready to re-enter a relationship with her. Work on yourself in the absence of her and make yourself a better person. From one guy to another - I believe in your ability to change. I believe that you can do anything that you focus your mind to. I want you to turn your energies, your effort, your love/feelings you have for ex- and invest it all into you! If you don't - be prepared to for the future WilsonX laid out - because that is where you will be heading. With you as a friend, she will date other people, sleep with other guys and the whole time you will be there. If you can handle that, proceed forth. Its not a right or wrong. There is no right or wrong way to approach or manage a relationship. Anyone who says this is the right way, and your way is the wrong way is obtuse. It's about choices and understanding the impact your choices have - and more importantly - living with and dealing with those choices. Best of luck dude. Thank you very much for the encouraging words. This is good advice. Like I alluded to in my first post, I am seeing a therapist to get over my biggest problems. I realized (too late it seems now) that I can't fix this stuff on my own. It's a long road and I need someone to help me other than just friends. The therapist is helping but I'm not doing working yet. I'm getting there...
Author Virgil Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Virgil, do yourself a favor. Go stand in front of a mirror, and look at yourself. Then be very honest and ask yourself this question: "Would any woman find this person attractive?" Just be honest answering that question. If the honest answer is, "Well...tell you what Virgil...the guy I seek in the mirror looks a total wreck. An unselfrespecting wimp who comes across as emotional, needy, desperate, clingy, with obviously a ton of issues to sort and settle in his head." If that is what you feel about the guy you see in the mirror, you need to immediately CEASE and DESIST any and all attempts to contact your ex GF or any other woman with the intention of dating her. You need to pull yourself out of the dating market, like they pull out race cars from the circuit for much needed maintenance. After some well needed refit, rest and recuperation, you will re-discover yourself, be the same confident person that attracted your GF in the first place. And then re-insert yourself on to the track and zip away with the confidence of a fine tuned race car. My friend, just from reading your Original Post, and response, you come across as 'unlovable' at this point. Women find low self esteem so 'unsexy' in a man. Even if that man happens to be the same guy that the woman had fallen head over heals for in the past. Ask yourself, your GF checked out of a relationship that she had entered into with a more confident you. What makes you feel that she will jump onto a relationship with a more broken down you whose self esteem lies shattered on the floor? When the good you was not good enough, why would the bad shatterred deseperate you become any attractive overnight? That is where NC comes into play. Mind you, NC will NOT magically get your GF knocking down your door and jumping into your bed. That may never ever happen. Or it may yet happen. What is guaranteed is your GF (or any other woman) would not come running for a man who doesnt feel confident about himself. Go NC. Go TOTAL NC. Even if she responds, do NOT reply, unless if it is an emergency ("Someone is dying, and Virgil you alone can bring them back to life", would be an acceptable emergency, even so your response should be NOT about her or your relationship. Even so, if I were you, I would still not respond!) After you check out of the urge to keep in contact with her and NC takes effect, you have serious work to do. Be honest about the way you screwed up. Work on yourself. 'Go to the gym' is cliched, but believe me it works wonders, more on your mind than your body. Say to yourself, "Damnit, Virgil, you are a MAN. You are the prize. Remember how she was starry eyed about you, smitten completely, hanging on to your every word. Well, you know what, I am going to re-discover and unleash that same Virgil back. Actually I will do even better. Physically, emotionally, dressing sense, confidence...in all respects, I will work on every single aspect to improve myself, FOR ME, and be the best I can". And mean it. And go for it. If you had anger issues, work on it. Read up about it. Think of the ways you screwed up, and remember the points that she mentioned were your faults (and which you honestly believe to be true). And work on them. How often in life do we have another person sit, sleep, live and breathe with us for years and then give us an appraisal on our good and not so good points. You got it free of cost, from this person. Hell, when I take my car for a tune up evaluation, the service guys charge me, unless I get it repaired there. So be glad you got a free 'romance worthiness' evaluation from her, that you can now use to improve yourself and land even better girls! How cool is that? Just fall off the face of this earth, so far as she is concerned. She is USING you as an emotional safety net. She was shrewd and cunning when she told you that she tends to forget you when you break contact. That is because you were so beholden to her, you have the body language of a puppy dog in her presence, and you blurt out your NC plans and strategies to her...because you think that by appearing like a mild mannered doormat, she will feel pity for you and the 'nice guy' that you are, and miss you. Sorry friend, she is bending you over and screwing you. Because you are happily allowing her to! STOP being a doormat. Stop settling for crumbs. Stop being that 'wimpy friend' to your ex. A tiger will never agree to exist as a sheep. A tiger would choose to not exist at all, rather than exist as a sheep. Why would you, her Lion King, so readily accept to be a friend? When she finds her next guy and lets him park his jimmy in her hooch, would you want to be the friend that she shares her sexual pleasures and questions with? Are you so worthless? Grow a freaking spine, and walk away with your pride, while you still have some left. Else, she will wipe her next BF's cum off her face with your deflated pride, and you will be left clapping. Harsh words, but true. I have seen some friends go through worse, because they willingly got 'Friendzoned' with their ex. Once 'friendzoned' you have no escape from the gruesome details of her BF banging her left, right and center. UP and down. Back and front. Do you want to be in that position? When one relationship breaks, even if the two former lovers re-unite, it has to be a NEW relationship. It helps if the lovers themselves have changed, and fixed the 'incompatible' areas. Take this time off, and work on your body, mind, and emotions that need being worked on. Salivating like a puppy at her door steps, begging for love, will only push her further away. Another guy, who is half as good as you, would come by, but show some confidence, and walk away with her, and be her 'rebound lover'. Which is why 'Rebound lovers' are often lousy guys, that girls latch on to to ride away from the painful thoughts and sights of their miserable BFs. Its another point that once the ex GF sails away from the ex-BF literally riding her 'rebound', the ex GF dumps her rebound sooner rather than later. None of that however will matter to you UNLESS you work on getting your self respect back. Go NC. Total NC. Dont even bother explaining to her that you are going NC, or why you are going NC. Just disappear. MOVE ON. Mentally and emotionally. Get yourself back. Then date other women. Dont date other women just to make your ex jealous. Date other women for your own good. ex-GF's have a tendency to reconnect, and miss ex BFs, when the BFs are over the ex GF. Does not mean that every ex GF will come looking for the ex BF. You shouldnt care about it. By then you may not care about your ex anymore, as you would be in a relationship with a much more loving caring beautiful woman. Happens all the time. Just do NC for your own self. However, by just reading your response and your original post, I feel that you are so broken, and directionless, almost like a rudderless boat adrift in a huge storm, lurching about the high seas, tossed from one wave to another. Totally clueless. You may decide to go NC one day, and send 5 texts the other day, only to be back to square one. DO NOT GET TEMPTED TO BREAK NC. She will try and pull you out of NC to stoke her ego, every time she begins missing you. And to reassert her control over you, her puppy dog. DO NOT FALL FOR HER TRICKS. JUST VANISH. Allow her to begin missing you. Do not go starry eyed when you see a text on your phone with her name, and then feel compelled to write back. Ex GFs know how to work on the weak spots of ex BFs. She knows your game plan. She has you by your balls, or so she thinks. She doesn't know that you have no balls left. She destroyed them. You need to grow a new pair of balls afresh. And you need to be on top of your game. She will discover that you grew a new pair of balls when you turn your back and walk off, and never look back. She is just another girl. Just another vagina. At last count, there are 3500 million other vaginas on planet earth attached to such attractive and loving women. Dont make her the center of your universe. No woman should ever take that position. Because you are Lion King. The master of your universe. Dont become her puppy dog. In this game agreeing to be her 'Friend' is agreeing to be her 'puppy dog'. GO freakin NC. NOW!!! Perhaps a little harsh, but it's probably what I needed to hear. Chances are, I do come off as insecure and/or under-confident to my ex. I have read, and know it is true, that women love confidence in men. The first few weeks are the hardest to exude confidence during, but by now I'm back in the game. No, I have not told her my plans (I would lose the element of surprise) and no, I have not gone fully NC with her (though I have gone LC recently). After much thinking, I think I have figured out her thought process towards me: 1. "I miss him. Maybe breaking up was wrong" 2. "No I made the right decision because of factors X, Y, and Z." 3. "Breaking up was right and I'm not going back." How do I know this? The way she talks to me and my friends about me. She is flirty with me and has openly admitted that she still has feelings for me but is just trying to "think of me as a friend". She is building walls to make sure we don't get back together; she is being stubborn. I know those walls will come down in time though. I just have to give her that time so she can think about what she did. At the same time, I have to demonstrate that I'm worth giving a second chance to. Now, here are my plans for the near future: One group activity with me and her both there. I'll play it cool, maybe flirt with another girl to make her a tad jealous, but eventually warm up to her. And yes, I'll be confident. I have to make her think I can live perfectly without her, even if I can't. After that, and before we go off to school, I'll invite her to at least 1 one-on-one thing (not even a date). It would be something like mini-golf or the mall; perhaps grabbing lunch somewhere or getting good books to read at the library. OR if the group thing goes extremely well, I'll invite her to more than 1 one-on-one thing. But that has yet to be decided. So there everyone has it. I think it'll work given enough time. But I know someone will disagree with me, so let me hear it all (good or bad).
loverboy1984 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Reading your post made me think of how I was just like you and looking into each text and message, reading it many times and asking people what it meant. She sounds like shes saying things to you to make you happy and making you happy makes her feel less guilty. I was in the same situation. My GF of 6yrs broke up with me and wanted to be friends and told me all the same things you did. She was fun and playful with her messages too. Im over 4 months into my break up and I can tell you it does get better. Yea I shed a tear today but Ive been in NC and said no to being friends. You cant be friends with your ex. You dont need to. If your a great person then you dont need anyone to validate that but you can offer your greatness to friends, family and new people who come in your life. This chapter of your life is over. Mourning it is not over but you will not recover if you stay in contact and be nice to her. I have a friend who had a break up the same time I did and she is still suffering because shes doing what you are and keeping hope by remaining friends. Im a very emotional person, my break up happened at the most critical point in my life and it devastated me. She still feels great and thinks its ok and talks to me sometimes like nothing happened and I hate that I can make someone feel good but their presence teases me with hope and what ifs leaving me empty. Let go my friend. Its really hard but your torturing yourself. Good luck
Author Virgil Posted July 14, 2011 Author Posted July 14, 2011 (edited) Reading your post made me think of how I was just like you and looking into each text and message, reading it many times and asking people what it meant. She sounds like shes saying things to you to make you happy and making you happy makes her feel less guilty. I was in the same situation. My GF of 6yrs broke up with me and wanted to be friends and told me all the same things you did. She was fun and playful with her messages too. Im over 4 months into my break up and I can tell you it does get better. Yea I shed a tear today but Ive been in NC and said no to being friends. You cant be friends with your ex. You dont need to. If your a great person then you dont need anyone to validate that but you can offer your greatness to friends, family and new people who come in your life. This chapter of your life is over. Mourning it is not over but you will not recover if you stay in contact and be nice to her. I have a friend who had a break up the same time I did and she is still suffering because shes doing what you are and keeping hope by remaining friends. Im a very emotional person, my break up happened at the most critical point in my life and it devastated me. She still feels great and thinks its ok and talks to me sometimes like nothing happened and I hate that I can make someone feel good but their presence teases me with hope and what ifs leaving me empty. Let go my friend. Its really hard but your torturing yourself. Good luck Thank you for sharing. I'll take any and all input, especially from people who share a similar situation. Perhaps you guys don't understand the circumstances under which she ended the relationship; that's my fault for not explaining. Basically, we went on a very good date on a Friday a few weeks ago. Lots of cuddling, kissing, and quality time. Romantic, I would say. Then come Saturday I asked her why she continues to date me; why she still loves me (an honest question. BUT... curiosity killed the cat). She said she didn't know, so I posed the other question "Do you see values in me that make dating me worth it? Or do you see a future with me?" She said that she sees values in me, but not a future. I persisted in asking her why she didn't see a future, even though she just wanted to drop it, and I probably should have. This whole thing probably would have been avoided if I let it go. But in my stupidity I kept asking, and I drove her farther away each time I asked. She eventually had enough and called it quits. And it's been that way since she first said it. There has been no backtracking. Personally, and I kinda hit on this above, I think she regrets it but won't admit it. She thinks that maybe breaking up was wrong but she convinces herself it was right. She doesn't want to appear weak or indecisive. In a nutshell, she's being stubborn and won't let anyone tear her walls down- not me, not my friends- no one. Which is a real shame, because if her walls came down I know we would get back together. But for whatever reason, she's walling herself off. That's my assessment of things... Edited July 14, 2011 by Virgil more info
wilsonx Posted July 14, 2011 Posted July 14, 2011 OK, im going to point out the obvious Thank you for sharing. I'll take any and all input, especially from people who share a similar situation. Perhaps you guys don't understand the circumstances under which she ended the relationship; that's my fault for not explaining. the relationship is over, it does not matter why. she ended it Basically, we went on a very good date on a Friday a few weeks ago you hung out. Lots of cuddling, kissing, and quality time you were your ex's physical crutch that is all. Romantic, I would say there was no romanticism here. Then come Saturday I asked her why she continues to date me; why she still loves me (an honest question. BUT... curiosity killed the cat). She said she didn't know she doesn't love you, shes not dating you, shes lonely and using you as a physical crutch, so I posed the other question "Do you see values in me that make dating me worth it? Or do you see a future with me?" She said that she sees values in me, but not a future <---- READ THIS AGAIN, there's no future you are now classified as a friend and that is all. I persisted in asking her why she didn't see a future, even though she just wanted to drop it, and I probably should have she does not want to talk about dating being in a relationship with you because she's not in one with you. This whole thing probably would have been avoided if I let it go. But in my stupidity I kept asking, and I drove her farther away each time I asked. She eventually had enough and called it quits. And it's been that way since she first said it. There has been no backtracking. Personally, and I kinda hit on this above, I think she regrets it but won't admit it. She thinks that maybe breaking up was wrong but she convinces herself it was right. She doesn't want to appear weak or indecisive. In a nutshell, she's being stubborn and won't let anyone tear her walls down- not me, not my friends- no one. Which is a real shame, because if her walls came down I know we would get back together. But for whatever reason, she's walling herself off. she doesn't regret anything. she told you there was no future. you are not seeing this clearly. women are not attracted to me that ask questions about themselves. its true. women like confident men That's my assessment of things...
Author Virgil Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 @Wilsonx: Perhaps you misinterpreted my other post. I was explaining the day of the breakup. That conversation happened three weeks ago. Maybe that will change your advice on that post.
wilsonx Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Doesn't change my advice... seriously man step out of yourself for an hour and read what I am typing to you and everyone else here is. What if I am right? you need to break that emotional attachment and NC is the only way. If you recorded the conversation, I would still say the same thing
Author Virgil Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Doesn't change my advice... seriously man step out of yourself for an hour and read what I am typing to you and everyone else here is. What if I am right? you need to break that emotional attachment and NC is the only way. If you recorded the conversation, I would still say the same thing And what if I am right? Truth is, we don't know who's right. You think you are and I think I am. Nothing wrong with that as it's only natural. I'll work my way to a second chance. When I make my true intentions known to her (i.e., I ask her out) and if she says no then you're right- she's not worth my time. But until then I do believe she is worth my time. She and I both know the relationship ended prematurely; I more willing to say it than she is. Either way, we both know it. And I'm going to pursue that second chance until she either takes me back or leaves me high and dry.
Author Virgil Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 Good luck, see you soon Thank you and thank you for your help thus far. It is much appreciated.
Author Virgil Posted July 19, 2011 Author Posted July 19, 2011 I wanted to give everyone an update and ask some new questions. We're really LC now. She's been on vacation and we've talked about two times in the last week and a half. Nothing heavy or deep. Just small talk. And I've come to realize that the best way to get her back is to move on completely. If I don't give a damn and act like I did when I won her the first time, she'll see that I'm worth dating again. Who likes an ex that begs and pleads for you back? My other ex essentially did that and it drove me far away. And even if I don't get her back I've moved on anyway and I'm ready to meet another person. So I guess you were right in some aspects Wilsonx. I have some questions now. We didn't talk for three days and I had no plans to text her. I figure that if she wants to talk to me she can start it. Otherwise I don't care. So she texted me first on Sunday night at 11:00 to talk for a few minutes. She said "this will be the last time to talk until Saturday!" (because she's going on vacation... again) then proceeded to ask if now was a good time for me to talk, "because the morning could work too". I thought about trying to put her on hold and just telling her we could talk tomorrow (Monday) but I decided against it. So we talked for literally 20 minutes then she went to bed. The next morning she texted me to say hi and presumably to start a conversation. I replied five minutes later then she texted back 5 minutes after that to say she was on the airplane and we would talk next week. And that was the last I've heard from her. Questions: What is she thinking? Does she miss me? Or does she feel bad for me? Is she trying to play me? I can't tell. But I'm not letting her control me and keep me on a leash; she's not toying with my feelings anymore. But what was she thinking when she texted me to talk for all of 20 minutes about nothing at all? And when she texted me the next day too... With all this said, I still miss her. I miss her a lot. But I'm not going to let her control me because of that.
wilsonx Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 Questions: What is she thinking? It does not matter what shes thinking, you are her friend and thats all Does she miss me? How can she, you always talk to her and are there for her Or does she feel bad for me? she feels bad for herself and what she did but not anymore because you are freely being her friend Is she trying to play me? nope, you are friends to her, you are playing yourself. I can't tell. But I'm not letting her control me and keep me on a leash; she's not toying with my feelings anymore. But what was she thinking when she texted me to talk for all of 20 minutes about nothing at all? And when she texted me the next day too... With all this said, I still miss her. I miss her a lot. But I'm not going to let her control me because of that. Shes not controlling you, you are following her and doing everything she wants freely. Stop hurting yourself
Sebstian Posted July 20, 2011 Posted July 20, 2011 You're now her friend, that's why she calls you. She's going through a hard time as she dumped her bf. Her best friend happens to be you, so she uses you as a crutch. It doesn't change a god damn thing unfortunately. As you can see you're reading into stuff obsessively which should be a hint that you're totally not cool about having contact with her. As anybody else here suggest, I would say go NC. Leave her searing in her loneliness. As long as you reply and are being nice, she has no probs. No feelings of guilt, no loneliness and is free to screw who she fancies. And she doesn't fancy you anymore that way. Don't do it to yourself man. And you 'getting her back' plan is leaky as a sieve. She knows you, you will not be able to keep your facade for very long. Eventually you'll make a little mistake giving you away. She'll know that you still have her on that pedistal, recent you for it. Then she'll kick your balls hard once again and say thanks for being such a good friend, and then head off to whom ever is banging her at the moment. You're in denial and from my experience the biggest hindrance for getting on with your life after being dumped is hope. Yes hope is your enemy. You're utterly stuck in that f.....d situation as long as you hope. You shouldn't hope to get to where she want's you back. You should hope for getting to the point where you don't want her because you can do better. I know it's hard bro, ridiculously hard!
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