ilovepinkjelly Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Hi everyone, I am new here, but could really use some advice. Sorry for the length of this!! I met my boyfriend at university, aged 18. We were friends for a year, as I had a boyfriend, but as soon as I was single, we started dating. Things have been great. We have both been laid back about things as we knew we were too young to be serious. After uni, my boyfriend moved to London, and, as I couldn't afford to do my teacher training and pay extortionate rent there, we ended up moving into a shared room in a flat with 2 friends. It was too soon to move in, but it seemed the only option. We have been together 6 years, three of those living together. About three months ago, my boyfriend started being distant. He had found a new crowd of friends at work, and he was really enjoying going out with them. I had been pleased at first: he hadn't had a group of friends outside our shared one before, and I think it was something he needed to experience. Just as I was starting to think 'hmmm, we need to have a chat,' he dropped a huge bombshell on me. He had kissed a girl from work. He admitted he finds her attractive physically but as a person he finds her a tad 'odd'. She also has a boyfriend. In the month proceeding the kiss he had become strange and distant, spending nearly every night of the week with his work friends. We have since talked things to death, and he says he felt this was the first time since we moved to London that he had 'his own' space and friends. These friends were constantly telling him he was missing out on being single (we got together age 19, and are now 25), and he started to believe them. He remembers little about the drunken kiss, but insists it came out of nowhere; they kissed when the girl started telling him how lovely he was and that she'd had a crush on him for ages. I believe all of this. I believe him because I know him inside out, he told me straight away, and, hideously, because I read all his work emails (I know, psycho) and the only correspondence between them was when she asked if the kiss 'last night' meant anything, and he said no. When he told me about the kiss, he was a mess, and said he couldn't commit to me. I had moved out within a week. A week after our break up, he said things had been clarified 'for the first time in our relationship' and he wanted us to get back together. I initially said no, and then said I would think about it, and whilst we were apart I had a one night stand. He was hurt by that as at that time I had said we might get back together. He thought that made us even - but I disagree - I was single when I did that, he wasn't. We are now back together and it is far from easy. As we now live seperately, I resent the fact that I feel he 'has what he wanted': me, but with more time apart. He says he would 'move back in tomorrow' if he could, but he can say what he likes as we both have 12 month contracts on new places, so he knows this is something he has no danger of having to fulfill! But we were working through and doing okayish. I thought I had forgiven the kiss but I haven't. At work he is in a large circle of friends, and they regularly meet for lunch. I know this means he often sees her, but I have pushed it to the back of my mind. On Friday, I was away visiting my parents and he went out with work friends. I felt really %&*$# all night, knowing she was there, and told him so. He called me, drunk as a skunk, and said he was now 'sick of being the bad guy' and 'didn't know what he was supposed to do'. He has been so attentive in the last month - flowers, texts, surprise concert tickets, always at my flat, but as soon as he sees his friends, he loses his patience - he is so easily swayed and I feel this shows his immaturity! I appreciate that at some point, I need to let it go, but I can't shake how awful it feels to think of him still seeing her. It kills me. Where do you think we go from here?
betterdeal Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 For all the talk, you've separated. My advice is you can do the same as him and go and find yourself a social life that excludes him. This will give you a safe haven, a group of people who aren't affected by whatever happens between you two, making you less dependent on him. Then take it from there.
kingofhearts Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 He thought that made us even - but I disagree - I was single when I did that, he wasn't. As far as I'm concerned, You guys ARE even. So would it take for you to kiss another guy while you are together to even things out? Or how about this.... He breaks it off today, go have a one night stand and comes back. Would you guys be even? My point is... What is it going to take for you to get over it? It was a drunken kiss, where as you had fully given yourself to someone else. Sorry if I'm being bias and harsh, but I feel like if you sleep with anyone even within the first month of breaking up, it's still relatively close to cheating. I don't understand the whole ideal of shuffling around the label of "single" and "committed" as an excuse to sleeping with someone else, when both of your hearts were still binded by each other. To me, ya'll are even, a little more in debt on your end, but eh..... imo. In my non bias (bitter) opinion Sounds like your insecurities are only worsening the relationship. I can see where he is starting to feel like the "bad guy". I know you can't let go of the kiss, but if you want to move forward, you have to. Is he still not over your one night stand? Both of these situations have to be forgotten. For all the talk, you've separated. My advice is you can do the same as him and go and find yourself a social life that excludes him. This will give you a safe haven, a group of people who aren't affected by whatever happens between you two, making you less dependent on him. Then take it from there. Absolutely, this will help you and lead to helping both of you. Good Luck, sweetie.
iceweasel6 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 The focus here seems to be on what was physically done - "he kissed a girl" at work. But I don't think that is the real issue. The real issue is the emotions, feeling and possible thoughts he may have about her that you are not sure of. Talking things to death aren't going to solve this issues - however, you telling him how you feel about the kiss - I mean really feel about the kiss - will be a starting point. Secondly, what you expect from him to gain his trust back. Here is the kicker, although you have to learn to trust him again, he has to learn to trust you again. It's a mutual re-engagement of trust. The sad part is, and you may not like this, I don't think you care about him as much as you say you do. After being together for 6 years, you go out and have a one night stand within 4 weeks. Really??!!!??? That tells me you have zero self control, your selfish, you also have very little self confidence, lack of self respect or respect for your previous relationship. And most of all lack the ability to consider your ex's emotions my making such a selfish decision just to satisfy your own desires. Being separated or broken up has nothing to do with it. If that is your excuse to validate your behavior, you have a long road to travel towards growth. You need to let go of his transgression in the same manner as you let go your self respect when you slept with a random person after you broke up, or let him go and move on with your life and grow and learn. The resent your feeling is born of your selfish perspectives that his transgression is somehow worse than yours and needs to be validated. Heres a wakeup call - it doesn't. He still sees her, he doesn't have eyes for her and has vocalized his desires for you. If you don't believe it, it's because you don't trust him. Grow up and be an adult and accept his expressed wishes to be with you and let go of your jealousy or break up and move forward with your own life. Strangely enough, he's the more secure person in the relationship, and your the anxious one. Take a page from his book and be secure about your intentions. Oh, and one more thing, no more snooping in his email - that's a blatant violation of his privacy - yet another transgression by you - and it's kinda creepy.
Belkan Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Thank god he left, I hope he gets better and moves on. One kiss, really... I once cheated on my gf. I would be dearly sorry IF she didn't cheat on me back which she did multiple times. He's much nicer than I but why do u care, it's all about you isn't it. Good Luck In Life
AutumnB Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Ouch. I'm sorry, but I have to agree with most of whats been said. You have GOT to get over that kiss and learn to trust. If you can't it'll never work. Betterdeal has excellent advice. Start going out with a group of friends outside of your relationship. And use some of your 'me' time to decide what it is you really want. What you discover might surprise you.
Author ilovepinkjelly Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Wow, bit of a character assasination. To be fair, for 6 years it has been all about him. Me who has given him the freedom to go our, do basically as he likes, be single, and not worry a jot about commitment, because we had something special, but he wasn't ready to be tied down yet. Fine, and part of our 'terms' I suppose! And then, three months ago, without any real prior warning and discussion he comes home, splits up with me and tells me he kissed another girl. 6 years over in minutes. If there had been more warning, it would be easier. Yes, currently, it is all about me in my head, and I am incredibly insecure in our relationship, that is the issue of course. Yes, it kills me that he goes out for lunch with this girl, and drinks, albeit in a group capacity. I haven't asked him to stop seeing her, I just don't like it. And yes finally, hopping into bed with a random guy is not the best way I could have handled my situation but as it's the third person I have slept with in 25 years (the previous two being long term boyfriends), I think I am allowed to say it was out of character. I admit I shouldn't have done it, and it caused needless pain, and I am helping my boyfriend through his upset. But I didn't betray him, and the guy wasn't someone I see everyday or drink with. It was a pretty weird thing to do, I can barely believe I was so insecure that I allowed myself to, but drink and heartbreak obviously don't agree with me! I agree, it was screwed up. Anyway, thanks for your opinions, I agree I really need to try and let things go and look to the future. Talking it to death isn't helping, and if I can't let go in a few more months, I'll have to admit I'm just not strong enough to do so. I do, contrary to opinion, care for him greatly, or believe me, I would have been long gone; cheating is always something I said would be an immediate deal breaker for me, no matter the circumstances. It's good to hear such a difference of opinions, as everyone near the situation (including our mutual friends) think I shouldn't let him off the hook so easily!
betterdeal Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) I didn't mean to come across as being against you. Simply that the bigger picture appears to be that for all that has been said between you guys, you have separated. Personally, I think kissing someone else is one thing, but telling you about it is quite another. A drunk snog can be a mistake; telling your partner about it is hurtful and careless. So for all the nice things he says, he does things that are hurtful, including telling you about this indiscretion. Your best option, in my opinion, is to expand your social life, do things that make you feel good, don't worry where you two are going and, instead, become more interested in where you yourself are going. He wants to be single. Grant him his wish, but don't be his reserve option if that makes you upset (which it clearly does). The best way to do that, to move on, is to lose contact with him. Edited July 5, 2011 by betterdeal
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