Sunday: My least Favorite Day

[sun_moon]

It used to be Monday's because I had to return to work :-)

 

Sadly, now its Sunday. Feeling alone, missing him, and in the midst of my thoughts.

 

If anyone has been following my posts, there isnt much of an update, if your curious, check my stats.

 

He called me Thursday night and texted, made me sad again.

 

He called me last night and texted, I didn't respond. I had a normal day yesterday, but seeing his attempt at midnight made me sad.

 

He will eventually stop.

 

Too bad things couldn't be different.

 

I'm feeling lethargic, blue, and not very talkative. I could be doing a million things right now: laundry, bills, exercise, etc.

 

I will go to the gym after lunch, I have to.

 

I will go to my routine dances tonight, till then, I feel like this. Completely void of a love, reminiscent, and fearful of my future.

 

*Reaching for my book and turning off Adele*

[AlisaMarie]

Sun moon! You are so strong! I wish my ex would text me so I can ignore it! I am still screwed up from is drive by. I wish I had the courage to roll down my window. Like a coward, I drove away. Now all of those what ifs are filling my brain. What if he came to sweep me away. What if he came to say he was sorry. What if he wanted to tell me he really loves me. What if... he was just stalking me. Blah.

[TheVSilent]

It used to be Monday's because I had to return to work :-)

 

Sadly, now its Sunday. Feeling alone, missing him, and in the midst of my thoughts.

 

If anyone has been following my posts, there isnt much of an update, if your curious, check my stats.

 

He called me Thursday night and texted, made me sad again.

 

He called me last night and texted, I didn't respond. I had a normal day yesterday, but seeing his attempt at midnight made me sad.

 

He will eventually stop.

 

Too bad things couldn't be different.

 

I'm feeling lethargic, blue, and not very talkative. I could be doing a million things right now: laundry, bills, exercise, etc.

 

I will go to the gym after lunch, I have to.

 

I will go to my routine dances tonight, till then, I feel like this. Completely void of a love, reminiscent, and fearful of my future.

 

*Reaching for my book and turning off Adele*

 

I was texting and calling my ex g/f for around 6 weeks, this is the 7th and she hasn't budged at all. I told her I was going to counceling, and I was going to make a change and I feel like she doesn't care. Seeing your post, I know shouldn't give me false hope, but it does, it makes me at the very least think she cares. It is just so hard for me to throw away these 5 years, and I was horrible, I'm sorry to vent in your thread it just sort of relates on the other side because she is so strong now and has been NC ever since. I have not texted or called in over a week now and I don't plan on it, I hope I can get the mental strength to move on, and I hope your situation turns out good as well. Again, sorry for venting in your thread!

[AlisaMarie]

I was texting and calling my ex g/f for around 6 weeks, this is the 7th and she hasn't budged at all. I told her I was going to counceling, and I was going to make a change and I feel like she doesn't care. Seeing your post, I know shouldn't give me false hope, but it does, it makes me at the very least think she cares. It is just so hard for me to throw away these 5 years, and I was horrible, I'm sorry to vent in your thread it just sort of relates on the other side because she is so strong now and has been NC ever since. I have not texted or called in over a week now and I don't plan on it, I hope I can get the mental strength to move on, and I hope your situation turns out good as well. Again, sorry for venting in your thread!

VSilent- how is counciling going for you? I am interested about your situation because you sound a lot like my ex bf. How horrible were you? PM me if you'd like!

[TheVSilent]

VSilent- how is counciling going for you? I am interested about your situation because you sound a lot like my ex bf. How horrible were you? PM me if you'd like!

 

Sorry Sun Moon, don't mean to blow your thread up with my story, I don't think I can PM just yet.

 

Counceling is going good, I have only been twice but I am becoming more and more comfortable with the lady that is helping me. We are still in the early stages, the evaluating process but I feel it helps me get stuff off my chest that I never really had the courage to tell people.

 

...and about how mean was I? I am ashamed of it, but I was really mean. I was just so verbally abusive to her, I would put her down about her weight and say stuff that was completely out of line to the point where she would cry. We were together 5 years and I would say the last year was really bad, I had become bored of her, taking her for granted and would generally start a argument for no reason. I could see her pain and for some reason it made me think she cared more.

 

In the end, I was starting to get my act together, around the last month together, but I think she mentally moved on from me by then, ditching me on her birthday, I suspected she might have met someone that was treating her right. She broke things off over text and facebook stating it wasn't because I was mean, it was a number of things which she wanted to explore life, get tattoos, hang out with guy friends, wanted me to be more friends with her friends and she just said she was ignoring what is best for her. She blocked me after that, went straight NC. I went crazy a little, called/text and emails for around 6 weeks until this last week where I just gave up.

 

I knew I needed help that is why I took the counceling, I never really wanted to hurt her and was hoping she could see a change in me one day. I'm having a hard time letting go and keep thinking about how she can just forget me, but I don't blame her. There was good with the bad though, but it was literally all my fault, this is why it is so hard, her deleting me is almost like her dying, I'm just taking it a day at a time.

[sun_moon]

Hey!

No apologies necessary, sharing is fine with me.

 

GOD, the last thing I intended to do is give ANYONE false hope.

 

Nothing is ever black and white, it really really irritates me to read threads on here where one is specifically pointing out the dumper or dumpee, REALLY? Aren't we all multi-faceted feeling humans? REALLY? The dumper has feelings.

 

I am on here and still coping.

 

TheVSilent, reading your comments sounds all too familiar to me. Yup, he completely and utterly took me for granted, to say the least of our bag full of problems. I know he loves me, or did, or whatever it is now. Sadly though he didn't know how to love me and I told him a few times of our 2 years together "why wont you let me love you?"

 

Ironically reading what you wrote also gives me hope, but not to get back with him, hope that change is possible, but you have to want it and seek it. I do pray good things for him, regardless of how much he hurt me.

 

Currently, I am full of anger and pain and I wish horrible relationship karma on him, but I still hope he succeeds in his schooling, bettering himself, etc.

 

I also know that angry feeling of wanting him to fail romantically will waste away with time and I will grow indifferent.

 

AlisaMarie, stop wondering, I do the same and continue to. It sounds like you may be aware of your cyclical behavior, and if you can point that much out, perhaps you can stop it by consciously making an effort to redirect your thoughts/feelings: movies, books, active work, etc.

 

My friends agree with you AlisaMarie, they think I'm doing ok and staying strong. I dont feel strong at the moment, because I'm still wrapped in emotions at times like the dreaded weekends.

 

I still love him and that is ok as long as I know its not to get back with him, the feelings will fade in time. I have to be patient and keep moving on.

I don't know if he fully feels the regrets and remorse and the immensity of loosing me but I have a feeling he is. I am a great catch and I'm not full of myself, I just wish he treated me like that more often then he did. There were more bad times than good. Too little too late. Why you ask, because I gave him so many chances and I got tired, and the trust never built all the way up. I got tired of not being treated the way I should be.

 

Ok enough venting for now, its bringing me down, no need to rehash for now, MUST. WORK. OUT.

 

I will be back.

[sun_moon]

So...I did work out and go dancing and like usual I felt a bit better.

 

I got more contact from him, at 3.30 am, a text, with no words, just a .

 

Sadly, every time I feel good because I haven't thought of him all day or half a day,he reminds me, hey I am here, and I'm not gonna let you forget me or move on.

 

So, here I am, wondering but not contacting.

 

I miss him but I feel stronger. He knows what is best, he knows what I told him, so what is this?

 

It's almost like because he suppressed his feelings/grief, he is now having to deal with it and I'm in a different place. My best friend called it, she said " just wait, I know your are hurting right now beyond belief, but while he is running away from his feelings, denying this, rebounding to try to replace your relationship, you will be stronger everyday and better, and it will hit him one day, you may find out, you may not, but rest assured, he will feel the pain and you will be in a better healthier place."

 

Sometimes I cry but half of me doesn't know why, the other half knows its just grief, all he is doing is making my pain come back.

 

 

So here is my updated journal. Why am I crying now?

 

I will be back, either with a smile, or at least a dry face.

[Mack05]

Sunmoon you know more about this stuff then I ever will. We are all proud of you. I promise you it gets easier. Keep doing what your doing. It's hard, but you'll get there..When you get there, you will be a better more rounded person. Someone, who will know exactly what she wants going forward. Someone, who will know what it's like to be part of a happy (long term) nourishing relationship WHEN it happens.

 

Your ex, who cares..

[sun_moon]

so...how are you doing Mack?

 

I know you are right, the journey, its hard and painful but necessary.

 

 

You know, I am so so fearful that I will not find an ideal mate. Halfway through being with my ex, reality kicked in, and I was realizing we werent as good a match as I had hoped for or thought we were.

 

I was reading some magazines this past weekend and do you know there was an article that made me laugh, I was like HELL, this is me they are talking about.

 

It was about being alone and nearing 30. It was referring to all those 29 year old women dreading turning 30 and being alone and changing. OMG, this was me.

I turned 29 in March, and I kept joking to my friends and coworkers that I was going through a third life crisis.

Basically, at one point it was poking fun of the thought process of this:

 

I'llneverhavekidsandamgoingtodiealone!

 

Do you know how many times I've jokingly or sadly said this to my girlfriends. I am going to die alone! Gasp, my reality kicks in and I positively convince myself I will find that mate when the time is right, and if it so happens when having children becomes a risk, then I will seriously have to think of adopting.

 

 

Then I "affirm" myself with moments like today, and this past weekend, and the past week, etc:

 

Just today a service technician giving me a loaner car asked me if I was 21 years or older, I laughed out loud and said, well why don't you tell me, you have my Drivers license in your hand! HAHHAHHA. Man that made me feel good and proud.

 

This weekend I was carded yet again.

 

Last week, my employees, most of them in their 20s younger than me, admitted they thought they were older than me and thought OMG my boss is younger than me. All in shock I am nearing 30.

 

Maybe I should do what this girl did in the picture along the article, get a necklace that has a GIANT BLINGING 30 as a pendant, hanging from my neck!

 

Uhem, nah, its ok, I will pass on that!

 

So until my time is right to find him, I know I will date a lot of mistakes, a lot of mis matches, and I know (from past experience and history), all it will do is make me miss my ex even more.

 

Then, I have to positively remind my self, its ok, this is part of the journey, as painful and long as it has to be.

 

I have yet to go on a date since the breakup, I am just not ready.

 

It's ok, I will continue to monopolize my time with my best friends and family. I will continue to watch too many movies and go out when the opportunity arises.

[Mack05]

Sunmoon you're 29! You are just getting started girl! I am 36 and I am living my life with the attitude, that age is just a number. In my recovery, I realised I am not happy in the city where I am living in now. I used to be, but now my friends have settled down and moved away from the city. I decided what the heck, let's have a new challenge. Not only that, but embrace the challenge. Throw myself 100% into it.

 

So just after Christmas I will be moving abroad (I love to travel) and I am still not even sure where! I'd love to move to the States, but realistically the chances of getting a Visa are slim to none. So now I have two choices. Vancouever, Canada or Montpeiller in the South of France. Although sometimes I think I would love to try Asia, Dubai, Singapore or Malaysia..No matter where I end up I am so excited! Yeah I will miss my friends and especially family, but they are supporting me on this 100%.

 

I am now taking French classes twice a week, just in case I choose the South of France. I love it! Thankfully, I did French in school so I am picking it up pretty quickly and unlike school I am actually doing my homework :-). My point is life is what you make of it. With a positive attitude and courage you can achieve what you want to achieve. I haven't given up on meeting the right girl. I am just hoping by working hard on myself, taking new challenges that it will just happen naturally. I like this song Sunmoon, it's the same for you -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

 

29, 29! Your just starting Sunmoon. Believe me, things are about to get alot more interesting for you...

Edited July 7, 2011 by Mack05

[sun_moon]

OMG you did not just refer to my heart throb Michael Buble, ahahhaha, he's so awesome.

 

Yes, I think about this song all the time, at the beginning of my breakup, I stayed away from this song, it hurt to much to listen to or watch, because when it first came out, we as a couple watched it together, loved the lyrics and the adorable video.

 

Now I'm ok to listen to it, but its not yet my theme song for my break up.

 

I'm still in the Adele phase, "Rolling In The Deep", angry, we could have had it all!

lol

 

This whole time I thought you lived in the states. Oh you talking about classes makes me want to go on a trip. lol

 

Oh btw another update:

 

He's been calling and texting this past weekend, I ignored it, he sent me 3 messages yesterday basically telling me he has some news he wants to share with me if I'm interested. I finally broke down and sent a ?, with no reply back, probably because it was late or he was already mad I didn't respond. I dont know, either way, he probably will reach out today! Any pointers on how to stay firm and stay NC?

The good news is I will be busy this evening socializing with some friends, the bad news is, its a place I went on many dates with him on, so yeah its gonna initially suck.

 

I am so proud of myself though, the past 2 weeks, I have been able to face areas of town and places I've been to with him just fine, yes he crosses my mind, but I don't break down and want to cry. Like my friend keeps telling me, "make new memories."

Edited July 7, 2011 by sun_moon
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