pacific1 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 (edited) Hi thanks for reading this. My girlfriend (now ex) and I had been through our fair share of difficulties, but now after over 5 years things have come to a definite end. The break-up was slow and gradual, but the real blow came about a week ago when she announced that she was now dating someone else. Since then I've really been hit hard by negative emotions but haven't really spoken to anyone about it. I suppose I've come here to get feedback and advice from people of all walks of life who have perhaps been through something similar. I'll help you to help me by giving you a brief history (difficult to summarise over 5 years of a relationship, so please bear with me): - Met at University in the UK almost 6 years ago - We clicked instantly, have loads in common, similar life goals - Went out for 6 months, I was her first proper boyfriend, then she broke up with me because I went away to work for the summer (I quit my job and came back to her, but things were shaky) - Now in autumn 2006, we have many friends in common, still see a lot of each other and get back together. Things were good, we were serious. - In the first half of 2007 our relationship got a bit bumpy. She doubted my commitment to her, wasn't sure whether we were right for each other and didn't feel I spent enough time with her and wanted to split up. I convinced her to stick with me, and that I would change whatever it was I was doing wrong (although by most standards I think I was a very good boyfriend). - Later that year, summer 2007, I took a job in a different country (c. 4hrs door to door), which was a requirement of my University degree, and this was due to last exactly 12 months. We knew it wouldn't be easy but decided we would continue a long-distance relationship. She was also doing a similar program but did not move country for her job. - After 2 or 3 months, we started exploring the possibilities of me getting transferred back to the UK as the distance was taking its toll on us, but she seemed more affected by it that me. The idea was that I would get transferred to the UK division of my employer and move in with her. With difficulty, I managed to get a transfer secured for late March 2008, but she had told me she was disappointed it was not earlier (at this point we're in Nov 2007). At least now there was a definite end to the long-distance problem, we only had to take a few more months of international flights (expensive!) and weekend visits. Note that neither of us were earning very much during this time and out of all the times we saw each other (once or twice a month) she came to visit me once, and I trekked over to her all the other times. - After I arrived back in the UK on permanent basis in March 2008, things got a lot better. We lived together, had the same schedule and were just generally enjoying being with each other. - However, our relationship had followed the path of a sine wave thus far, and unfortunately continued to do so as in summer 2008 we broke up again because she said her feelings for me were fading (this was whilst on holiday at her parents' home). This was also against the backdrop of her being hospitalised for a stress related illness. - Of course, this was not foreseen when we had made our plans for living arrangements for our final year on campus, and we were due to move in together with several other friends, all in separate dorms. Needless to say that the first few days/weeks were awkward and our situation made everyone in the flat feel uncomfortable. - It was in November 2008 that I came back from a snowboarding competition with a broken arm, and she was totally shocked and angry that I had not called to tell what happened. I felt I called the people I needed to at the time, and we weren't on friendly/speaking terms anyway. - A couple of weeks later she comes to see me, kisses me, and just like that we're a couple again. It felt strange but so relieving at the same time, like the whole crappy situation we put ourselves in was made right, and most importantly we both felt so good together again. - The next big challenge came when we were figuring out what to do once we left University. We both would have stayed in the UK (London) if the right job came up. I managed to get a job but in a different city, and she was also successful but her job was in Switzerland. This whole time, we never really discussed the issue of "ok but what about us?". If asked, I would have moved to Switzerland as this seemed like an exciting thing to do, although I never looked for jobs there (note: I am fluent in French and German). - Strangely, that time-bomb never became an issue, as her job fell through due to the poor economic climate and she decided to continue studying. - We moved in together after graduating and I started a rather high pressure job in finance while she took on challenging studies in a similar field. We had a lot of good times after that but also some problems, as couples do. We got bored by the "routine" and sometimes found it difficult to make our relationship exciting. However, we regularly went out to eat at some of the best places in the city, I took her to Rome for our anniversary and we would try out "wild card" activities like rock-climbing (not very successful as we didn't go back!). - An issue that came up regularly that became more and more important was that she was not happy with where we lived, didn't like the city and wanted to move away when she had finished her studies. I agreed with her about the city itself (definitely not on the top 10 of the mercer survey!) but the combination of my job and our low-ish set of expenses meant that we had it good, much better than most people our age. Regardless of that, she had her heart set on moving away to a nicer city, and getting a job as she would not allow herself to become dependent on me. - In autumn 2010, she moved to Paris after I helped her get a job there, and so after living together for an extended period of time, we were now back doing the long-distance thing. I visited often but the feeling of "togetherness" was fading, and fading fast for her; late November was the first time she came to me saying she wanted to end things. But we spoke a lot after that and I saw her again several times from January to March. Shortly before my birthday (yes, birthday) she said it was over and didn't come to celebrate with me. - I saw her last at the end of April after we had continued to talk (skype, phone, etc) and said we still loved each other. In the run up to this she had hinted that there was potentially someone else but nothing had happened and that she had feelings she wanted to suppress. - We didn't see each other in May and after getting back from a week-long holiday in mid June (organised by an old school friend which I signed up to soon after the March "break-up") my ex calls to tell me she has news. During the holiday she had sent me texts saying she missed me, which got my hopes up about us having a future, and rest assured that I was a saint the entire time. - The call was to tell me that she is now dating someone else, and that she thought she had to tell me because she felt guilty and that in any case I ought to know. I've decided not to speak to her, at least for now. Neither of us has seen anybody else since we first started going out in late 2005. I felt pretty devastated by this as well as angry. I've since felt horrible every day, and sometimes can't help but picture her with another guy, and this sickens me. I still love her and I'm pretty sure she still loves me (some way to show it), but we let our professional lives, geographical distance and all the other rubbish ruin what we had, and this time around I feel like there really is nothing I can do to fix it. If you have read everything until now, thanks. I suppose my main questions are: what should I expect now? Is there any hope left for my relationship? If it is really over, as I fear it may well be, how do I sort things out with my ex: we have A LOT of shared possessions that are all still in my flat here in the UK - constant daily reminder of her which sucks big time. Do I pack it all up in boxes and FED-EX it to her?? Thanks again for reading this and I look forward to your comments. Pacific1 Edited July 3, 2011 by pacific1
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