Sanman Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Hey guys, I don't really frequent the LDR forum and from the looks of it a lot of you have it rougher than I do. Anyway, my story...I met this girl online about 3 months ago. We started emailing, then talking for hours on end, now texting/talking about everyday. We finally spent the day together yesterday and it was amazing. I live in a large city and date regularly, but in the past 3 years have yet to meet a girl that meets all of my requirements, I would gladly take home to my parents, and is crazy about me until her. She just took a job 4-5 hrs away from in another major city. I have a few trips planned to see her and sh already asked me to spend her birthday with her next month. I honestly feel a bit weird, I have never done an LDR and am used to just seeing how things go and figuring it out. Do you guys have any tips? An additional issue...I am looking for a new job currently and hoping to find one by the end of the summer/early fall. I had until recently considered staying in my current city as my family and friends are here. However, I am now contemplating looking in her city and the city between us (1.5-2 hrs from her and 2.5-3 hrs from me now). Do you guys think this is wise. I have always been about not moving for a woman, but I have kind of wanted to try a new city and this would at least give me some company. Thoughts?
TMichaels Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Sanman, Welcome to LS! Glad to hear your first visit went so well. While I realize you two have been in communication for awhile, I wouldn't pick up and move based on just one in-person date. However, since you are looking for a job anyway, I don't think there's anything wrong with widening your search to see if there might be some job possibilities for you outside your hometown that would shorten the distance between you and your new friend which would make it easier for you to explore the relationship. As far as "a strategy" -- there's nothing wrong with going about things your "usual way" (e.g. just seeing how things go and figure it out as you go along). However, having said that, you might want to poke around the forum a bit see what others have experienced. What you'll find is that regular and open communication, mutual trust and as many in-person meet-ups as you two can sustain are especially important in a LDR. Good luck! TMichaels
cerridwen Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 It's pretty early yet in your relationship to factor her into any relocation issues. It's been just 3 months? Hold off on that and look for work in your current city. To maintain emotional intimacy in a LDR, couples vary in the amount of time they spend talking/texting/skyping. It'll be up to you two to establish your pattern and schedule. To do so requires a lot of communication. Talk to her about what works best. Take your feelings into account also. For instance: If you're working, she'll need to understand you can't be on the phone much. Better to head off any hurt feelings by talking about those things beforehand.
Author Sanman Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 (edited) Hey guys, thanks for the advice. Just to clarify, we have a few more dates lined up and I still have a little time before the decision needs to be made for my next job. Also, I am looking at one year specialty fellowships and jobs, so this does not need to be a permanent move for me. Just a bit of a chance for an adventure. I guess I'll have to see where the best offer comes from. As for going about things, I can see doing it the usual way. However, it seems like a lot investment for casual dating. Plus I have a feeling it feel to much like leading her on while I am dating other people in my city. Usually, I can make a decision like that fairly easy, but you don't get the information or progress at the same rate in an LDR. Edited July 3, 2011 by Sanman
cerridwen Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Sorry Sanman, I assumed this was going to be an exclusive relationship. If it's casual, and you both plan to see others, then yes, I can see why you're doing some thinking about it. It may indeed be more work than you'd want to put in. Personally, before entering one, I've found it helps to weigh the possibility of it turning into more, its potential for longevity, against the inconveniences of travel and bouts of missing the other. In this case, you're also factoring in misleading her. That's nice of you. However, if she enters the relationship willingly, while clear it's simply casual, it doesn't make sense that you'd be leading her on.
Author Sanman Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Sorry Sanman, I assumed this was going to be an exclusive relationship. If it's casual, and you both plan to see others, then yes, I can see why you're doing some thinking about it. It may indeed be more work than you'd want to put in. Personally, before entering one, I've found it helps to weigh the possibility of it turning into more, its potential for longevity, against the inconveniences of travel and bouts of missing the other. In this case, you're also factoring in misleading her. That's nice of you. However, if she enters the relationship willingly, while clear it's simply casual, it doesn't make sense that you'd be leading her on. Well, we haven't really defined what we are doing other than we really like each other so far. Now, on paper she is a better match for me than anyone I have ever had the chance to date and this certainly could have long term potential. However, my usual process is of dating around and asking for exclusivity after about two months of dating a person. I also try to be sexually exclusive if that happens during that time. I usually don't have a problem because I end up organically picking one girl to spend time with and it usually ends up in a relationship. This won't be the case here as it takes much longer for me to establish such a relationship. So, I am trying to figure out whether I should talk about it with her sooner or do some things differently. The job issue comes in since I was looking at other cities to move to since I am not thrilled with the positions I see posted in my city and as a single guy with most of my friends and family in my current city it was hard to pick a direction to go (it seems that endless options have the same effect as no options). So, I have thought about moving towards her as moving in a direction farther away (not driving distance) would limit the relationship even more. Hope that gives you a better picture of my mindset.
cerridwen Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Sanman, I don't very little advice as you're handling all this very well. You're being mindful of the biggest issues. You're being considerate of her feelings. You're not altering plans to your detriment. In regards to trying to figure out whether you "should talk about it with her sooner or do some things differently", you'll have to feel out the situation when you see her again. Hopefully, that won't be too far away. Sometimes, things can become very clear very quickly. It's entirely possible that during your next date, you can become so enamored, what to do next, how best to proceed, becomes crystal.
Author Sanman Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Well, thanks for the support. I guess I'll have to go with my gut and simply hope I don't screw it up or get burned. Hopefully, it works out.
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