Not Interested in Sex Anymore

[BeenThinking]

This is my first posting for advice. Not sure who else to turn to at the moment...as this isn't an easy thing to discuss.

 

I've been married for 10 years and have two children (ages 5 & 7). I love my husband and he's terrific on so many levels. He's a great dad and husband, so I feel shallow for thinking that our sex life is so important. For me though, it isn't great. Frankly, the physical part of sex turns me off. I muscle through it to enjoy the cuddling and emotional intimacy that go along with it. I much prefer an emotionally and intellectually driven relationship, to a physical one.

 

That said, I feel I ought to address why the physical isn't good. I am turned off by the way he smells (something I know he can't help), he is a terrible kisser (I feel that is a personal expression and can't be learned), he moves in a very awkward and abrupt way in bed (typically causing me pain, like a jab in the face with his elbow) and he's done in about 5 minutes (doesn't stay erect for long).

 

Since, like I said above, the emotional and intellectual is more important, I've often pushed the physical importance to the background. Am I doing more harm than good? Part of me thinks I should voice my concerns - but then, how do you tell someone they smell terribly (even after a shower) or are a bad lover? I do love everything else about him. That's why even with these things being present in our life, I dismissed their importance. After all, I'm not shallow and value much more than a physical relationship.

 

When I ask him, he says he’s happy with our sex-life but, of course, can’t they all be improved upon? I've tried offering subtle hints like let's slow things down, take our time, etc. Also, trying new things, sexually...but, still, if I am turned off by kissing and smelling him, how much can things really change?

 

I'm trying to be open-minded and consider the problem is me too. How can I help? Or is it okay for sex not to play an important role in marriage? (Believe me, I’d be perfectly happy not having intercourse again with him.)

[TaraMaiden]

It's not that you're not interested in sex any more (although you seem to be doing a job convincing yourself of that)....

 

You're actually not interested in sex WITH HIM any more.

 

Big difference.

 

Trust me - as someone who lived in a virtually celibate marriage for too long, I know.....

[Afishwithabike]

 

I've been married for 10 years and have two children (ages 5 & 7). I love my husband and he's terrific on so many levels. He's a great dad and husband, so I feel shallow for thinking that our sex life is so important. For me though, it isn't great. Frankly, the physical part of sex turns me off. I muscle through it to enjoy the cuddling and emotional intimacy that go along with it. I much prefer an emotionally and intellectually driven relationship, to a physical one.

 

 

Wow! I can see why you wouldn't want to have sex with him anymore. From the sounds of it, you haven't had good sex with him.

 

Come to bed smelling badly is a turn off for many people. You need to be honest with him about the smell. You can do it nicely without being brutal. I take it he wears deodorant and it still doesn't help..? Maybe there's a medical condition that creates this odor issue. Most people don't smell right after they've taken a thorough bath. Has he always been that way?

 

Was he a virgin when you met him? It sounds like he's sexually inexperienced. When you offer suggestions about trying new things in bed, does he do them?

 

I don't know if your community/culture/family is open to therapy, but a good sex therapist might be able to help him with techniques and the other issues he's facing.

[LittleTiger]

That said, I feel I ought to address why the physical isn't good. I am turned off by the way he smells (something I know he can't help), he is a terrible kisser (I feel that is a personal expression and can't be learned), he moves in a very awkward and abrupt way in bed (typically causing me pain, like a jab in the face with his elbow) and he's done in about 5 minutes (doesn't stay erect for long).

 

If he doesn't smell good to you (I'm assuming it's his natural odour rather than a cleanliness issue), he kisses badly (or in a way that you don't like) and is terrible in bed, how come you married him?

 

You say you're more interested in the intellectual and emotional aspects of your relationship and you value him in lot of ways, but surely you knew about the bad kissing, bad sex and turn-off 'smell' when you married him 10 years ago, if not before?

 

So what's changed in the last 10 years that these things have now become an issue worth posting about on the internet?

 

I'm curious because, if the physical attraction was that low to start with, I'm surprised you married him.

[Dust]

Your marriage is in a lot of trouble. Is he getting regular sex. That would be different for every man but is he getting it from you at least once a week? A better question is do you regularly reject him for sex? If you are doing these things you might want to change if you want your relationship to continue.

 

With the smell, did he always smell like this? Did he suddenly just start smelling? What does he smell like crap, or is it just his natural body odor you hate, you know that smell that is distinctly him?

 

If you want this to work I suggest you stop rejecting him when he tries to have sex if that’s the case and regularly have sex with him. I also suggest you accept the way he smells if that just the way he is and showering doesn’t help. Finally feel free to be yourself. He obviously might not be capable of making love for more then 5 minutes but maybe you could ask him to eat you out or something like a 20 minute massage?

 

It’s up to the both of you to make this work.

[BeenThinking]

Like you said LittleTiger, it isn't a cleanliness thing but his natural biochemical pheromones. I married him because I love everything else! He’s fun to be with, adventurous, smart, hilarious, sincere, loving, responsible, committed to family – I could go on. What’s changed is that I’ve been reflecting on it more lately...wondering if there isn’t something else I can do/try. Afishwithabike – he’s totally game to try new things but it usually ends in a bust because of his lack of endurance. He wasn’t a virgin, but didn’t have that many partners.

 

Sorry to hear TaraMaiden – thanks for your candidness. Perhaps you’re right. I guess that’s a hard thing to come to terms with...and even if I do accept that, what to do? I’m fine with not having sex with him but I’m sure he still wants it. Knowing that, I have to try...right?

[TaraMaiden]

serenah just as a complete aside - I clicked on your link as a matter of curiosity.

 

Please do everyone a favour: delete the link in your signature.

 

My firewall/security program denied access because the program contains trojans.

 

Can't PM you and I'm sure you're a sincere member. But your weblink is infected.

on purpose, I'm sure, by the site creators.

[LittleTiger]

Like you said LittleTiger, it isn't a cleanliness thing but his natural biochemical pheromones. I married him because I love everything else! He’s fun to be with, adventurous, smart, hilarious, sincere, loving, responsible, committed to family – I could go on. What’s changed is that I’ve been reflecting on it more lately...wondering if there isn’t something else I can do/try.

 

Well in that case you have two choices.

 

If you want your marriage to work you will need to 'grin and bear it'. Maybe you could sit down and talk about how sex could be better for you. As someone already suggested, perhaps a massage or more oral sex or whatever it is that you enjoy. If the physical attraction wasn't there in the first place then it never will be. You made a choice to sacrifice physical attraction/sexual chemistry/passion (or whatever else you want to call it) when you got married, so the rules haven't changed, except in your own mind. If you don't have sex with your husband, your marriage is likely to wither and die.

 

If sex has become more important to you over the years and/or you can no longer bear to have sex with your husband, you could suggest an open marriage (you both have other partners) or you leave the marriage.

 

Either way, you need to talk to your husband because, right now, unless he's lost interest in sex too, he's probably very confused.

[Lexygirl]

OP... I understand where you're at ... My husband and I have sex issues too.. Our kissing sucks too lol....

 

I was just wondering what if you try having sex with him in the shower? Lather him up with some really nice smellin soap suds....

Also, does he do other things to please you? Do you ever have sex a second time after a cool off period? I bet he would last longer the second time round.

 

Right now I'm not in the greatest position to give sex advice or relationship advice but I do know that communication can help and possibly a sex therapist

 

Good luck..

 

 

Eek on the Trojan virus thing ! I also clicked on the link

[Dust]

Well in that case you have two choices.

 

If you want your marriage to work you will need to 'grin and bear it'. Maybe you could sit down and talk about how sex could be better for you. As someone already suggested, perhaps a massage or more oral sex or whatever it is that you enjoy. If the physical attraction wasn't there in the first place then it never will be. You made a choice to sacrifice physical attraction/sexual chemistry/passion (or whatever else you want to call it) when you got married, so the rules haven't changed, except in your own mind. If you don't have sex with your husband, your marriage is likely to wither and die.

 

If sex has become more important to you over the years and/or you can no longer bear to have sex with your husband, you could suggest an open marriage (you both have other partners) or you leave the marriage.

 

Either way, you need to talk to your husband because, right now, unless he's lost interest in sex too, he's probably very confused.

 

Here is the thing. Many women will not feel the same about a man after being with him for a while especially when it comes to getting sexually excited. I’m sure if she got with some new man it would all be very exciting for a while. After a few years she’d be having similar problems though. That’s if she was lucky. I mean this woman is basically saying everything is great but I’m not into the kissing or sex anymore. At one point she was rooting for the man now she has turned against him. She could talk to him and that might help but really that probably won’t fix anything. He’ll probably be this bad a kisser, still smell to her, and be quick in bed the rest of his life. One thing is for certain if she doesn’t fix this in her head he will either leave her or she will leave him. Maybe they will just start to have more problems outside the bedroom. To a man its very important to be sexually satisfied that means getting it regularly. To a woman I think she needs to realize to get that emotional intimacy she has to provide the sexual intimacy then she’ll get all the hand holding and cuddling, and sitting together watching the sunrise stuff she can handle.

 

Since I believe this or worse would just happen with another man after some time being together she has a choice. Work it out by just accepting. She can also leave him, have good sex and excitement but be right back where she started in some time. Or she could be worse off because the next guy might not work so well in every other way. Even if you were with the guy who could skillfully screw for what ever time limit he chose you would still grow annoyed at something and be less excited in bed.

 

Consider trying to spice it up. That is very important. Maybe you guys could do doggy style if you never do that or try girl on top. If you’ve tried most positions you could try getting fingered or something. Maybe some light role play like cop coming to arrest you but you seduce him. I don’t know just work at it.

[LittleTiger]

Here is the thing. Many women will not feel the same about a man after being with him for a while especially when it comes to getting sexually excited. I’m sure if she got with some new man it would all be very exciting for a while. After a few years she’d be having similar problems though. That’s if she was lucky. I mean this woman is basically saying everything is great but I’m not into the kissing or sex anymore. At one point she was rooting for the man now she has turned against him. She could talk to him and that might help but really that probably won’t fix anything. He’ll probably be this bad a kisser, still smell to her, and be quick in bed the rest of his life. One thing is for certain if she doesn’t fix this in her head he will either leave her or she will leave him. Maybe they will just start to have more problems outside the bedroom. To a man its very important to be sexually satisfied that means getting it regularly. To a woman I think she needs to realize to get that emotional intimacy she has to provide the sexual intimacy then she’ll get all the hand holding and cuddling, and sitting together watching the sunrise stuff she can handle.

 

Since I believe this or worse would just happen with another man after some time being together she has a choice. Work it out by just accepting. She can also leave him, have good sex and excitement but be right back where she started in some time. Or she could be worse off because the next guy might not work so well in every other way. Even if you were with the guy who could skillfully screw for what ever time limit he chose you would still grow annoyed at something and be less excited in bed.

 

Consider trying to spice it up. That is very important. Maybe you guys could do doggy style if you never do that or try girl on top. If you’ve tried most positions you could try getting fingered or something. Maybe some light role play like cop coming to arrest you but you seduce him. I don’t know just work at it.

 

I don't disagree with anything you say - sometimes the attraction is strong in the beginning and life has a way of wiping out the attraction over the years. However, in this case, from what she says, the OP married a man she wasn't physically attracted to at all (most clearly evidenced by his smell turning her off) and, after 10 years, it's starting to wear a bit thin.

 

It doesn't matter what she does, she will never find him physically attractive but, yes, she could try to put her head back where it was when they first married - have sex with her husband out of love and presumably a sense of duty.

 

The trouble is, women often get more sexual as they get older and they usually seek more intimacy, so she's going to struggle to just live without sexual satisfaction for the rest of her life and her husband isn't going to be happy about it either.

 

I hope for her husband's sake and for her children that she can do it - but it wouldn't surprise me if she can't.

[Dust]

I don't disagree with anything you say - sometimes the attraction is strong in the beginning and life has a way of wiping out the attraction over the years. However, in this case, from what she says, the OP married a man she wasn't physically attracted to at all (most clearly evidenced by his smell turning her off) and, after 10 years, it's starting to wear a bit thin.

 

It doesn't matter what she does, she will never find him physically attractive but, yes, she could try to put her head back where it was when they first married - have sex with her husband out of love and presumably a sense of duty.

 

The trouble is, women often get more sexual as they get older and they usually seek more intimacy, so she's going to struggle to just live without sexual satisfaction for the rest of her life and her husband isn't going to be happy about it either.

 

I hope for her husband's sake and for her children that she can do it - but it wouldn't surprise me if she can't.

 

It’s a bad idea for an upset person having a really bad day to reflect on their entire life. It’s hard to say if she should have ever married this guy, but there is obviously a good chance her reflection on the matter are skewed now that she is upset and grown apart sexually. She really must have been attracted to this man more then she is now at one point in her life. When a relationship is young you are likely to forgive some one for their faults and still get excited by them. Her patience has obviously worn thin.

 

I don’t know what the right answer for her is. I just find it sad that after all this time and kids it might end because of something like this. I truly feel if she met a new man she liked he would excite her sexually and she would have a great time. I also believe after some time months, years etc. she would get annoyed at things like his breath, or the way he was and with out work she’d be in the same predicament or worse. The work of course isn’t actually “work” but she has to find ways to stay connected. That can be something as simple as giving each other massages, or making time to go walk the beach together.

 

The marriage will end if she continues to grow apart. Maybe the marriage should end. I don’t know. I ask these questions myself. I’d like to believe two people who loved each other enough to make a life together can rekindle that and grow and make a history for each other. I’d like to think its about more then being a good kisser or smelling a certain way. I also realize that maybe she’s just not into him any more and there is nothing that can be done. Maybe I just wish things weren’t the way they might be or maybe things aren’t that way and she is creating her own reality by the way she is thinking.

 

Time will tell I guess.

[Cabin]

I'm trying to be open-minded and consider the problem is me too. How can I help? Or is it okay for sex not to play an important role in marriage? (Believe me, I’d be perfectly happy not having intercourse again with him.)

 

I could have written this post.

I've been with my H for ten years, and our sex has been brutal. Initially, I was excited about him because that whole infatuation/chemical crazy love was in full swing, but by the one year dating mark, it became a chore for me. I was young and didn't know much about long-term relationship sex, so I just assumed that must be what happens to sex after a while. For the next 8-9 years, we'd be lucky if it was once every two weeks, sometimes a month would pass. No matter what, it was always a chore. I was not excited about it. Never got lost in the moment.

 

When he brought it up - over and over - I assumed I was broken. In fact, he told me so much. That there must be something wrong with me for not needing sex. I internalized it and was ashamed of my "dysfunction".

 

Anyway -- I can relate totally to being turned off by your spouse. Mine smokes cigarettes and pot, so he stinks all the time. Everything about him stinks. He's also awkward and unsure of himself and not very passionate and has to come quickly. (that's the saving grace at least)

 

We've gone to MC. Our counsellor said "anything's possible" but in his experience, he's never seen a marriage recover from such a lack of sex life, a lack of sexual compatibility, and such disinterest from one partner...

[Cabin]

It's not that you're not interested in sex any more (although you seem to be doing a job convincing yourself of that)....

 

You're actually not interested in sex WITH HIM any more.

 

Big difference.

 

Trust me - as someone who lived in a virtually celibate marriage for too long, I know.....

 

Oh I MUST hear your story!!

Once you left your virutally celibate marriage (I assume you did?), were you able to enjoy a long term sexual relationship properly?

[Finch]

OP: The fact that you're thinking about sex now and posting this question is good. If you really believed that it was perfectly okay not to have sex in your marriage you probably wouldn't be questioning it. The fact that you are asking these questions means that you recognize that there is something fundamentally important about sex within a relationship.

Yes, sex is important in any long term relationship. Does the passion fade? It can, but it shouldn't wither and die altogether. It seems to me (and this is not a judgement on my part, simply an observation) that you married someone who checked off a lot of the qualities you were looking for in a mate and you decided to marry him hoping that the sex stuff wouldn't be all that important in the long run. You talk about his intelligence, wit and humour, and that the two of you have a good emotional connection, and that he is a good father. Those are all great things to have in a husband. But the sex is just as important. It is not shallow to want a satisfying sex life!

 

Denying yourself the pleasure of good sex in a relationship can be a recipe to create a wandering eye on either your or your husband's part. You seem committed to this man and to your marriage. You say you prefer the emotional and intellectual aspects of a relationship are more important to you, and that's fine. But your body and mind are going to yearn for the physical aspects as well. Are you turned on by pornography and erotica? I doubt that you are asexual, it's just that your husband isn't inspiring those feelings of lust and attraction and "rawr!" in you. From what you describe in your post I do think you need to acknowledge the possibility that if you were not physically attracted to him in the first place you may never be. Can you continue to have sex with someone you aren't attracted to or who actively turns you off? You could try, but the chances are low that you'll ever feel satisfied. However! If you do feel even a small spark of physical attraction to him then you might be able to work with that - but you will have to work, and so will he. There may be something he can do to improve his odor (you may need to consult a doctor about that), there are definitely things you can try to spice up sex. He can probably learn to last longer and can learn to give you what you need in bed. But he can't do any of those things if you keep the way you're feeling a secret. You aren't going to be able to improve your sex life with him on your own.

 

Sex is important. So is being able to discuss it openly and uninhibitedly with your husband.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

He stinks, is lousy in bed, awkward, no rhythm or game, and comes quick.... Missing anything?

 

Yet he is wonderful in every other sense....

 

If he stinks because he smokes (cigarettes or pot) and drinks, yep that is tough to overcome. If it is just because he turns you off, see a counselor.....

 

Did he always suck in bed and you still married him? Do you orgasm? Do you masturbate when he isn't around? Do you fantasize about sex with others?

 

There are plenty of books, aids, desensitizing creams, pills, oral sex and foreplay along with sex clinics that can help these problems.

 

He probably is completely oblivious and you are setting him up for another 20 years of disappointment if you don't don't do anything (and that includes maybe separation or divorce, because he may deserve better).

 

However it starts with you sitting him down and talking to him.

 

Conversely while I will assert many men have no idea whether they are good or bad in bed, women need only show enthusiasm (and initiate every so often) when it comes to sex and men will be over the moon and say they are the greatest partner.

Edited July 4, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[frozensprouts]

do you know if he is satisfied with you ( as far as sex goes)?

 

if he is, and if you can honestly say that you would be okay with things the way they are now then is it possible for your intimacy with hm to come from other sources than sex?

 

I'm asking because you sound very much like two friends of mine. he likes sex and she ( for health issues that she is trying to control but is having a lot of trouble getting the right balance of meds.) just isn't interested right now. After a lot of talking ( and books and counseling and "products") not much had changed. She explained to him that it wasn't his fault, but that they had to come up with some sort of "compromise".

 

Their solution was that they would continue to have sex often ( more for him than her) but she let him know that she wasn't doing it out of "duty", but because she loved him and wanted him to know that- her doing something for him that he liked was one way she shows him that. he knows that he doesn't have to keep trying to make it "good' for her, as right now, there really is no way it could be, but that's not his fault. He shows her intimacy in other ways, and they are both happy.

 

this may sound kind of crazy ( and I don't even know if i agree with it or not) but it seems to work for them.

[giotto]

 

The trouble is, women often get more sexual as they get older...

 

ah, there's still hope, then...

 

Jokes apart, if the OP is so dissatisfied of her sex life, she should just get a divorce, because it's not going to get any better, especially if she is not attracted to him physically. I don't know the OP's age or if they have children, but why live in misery?

 

EDIT: I can see they have children and quite young... oh, well. Quite a difficult one and I don't have an answer... maybe, hold your nose, lie back and think of England?

Edited July 4, 2011 by giotto

[Toodamnpragmatic]

ah, there's still hope, then...

 

Jokes apart, if the OP is so dissatisfied of her sex life, she should just get a divorce, because it's not going to get any better, especially if she is not attracted to him physically. I don't know the OP's age or if they have children, but why live in misery?

 

EDIT: I can see they have children and quite young... oh, well. Quite a difficult one and I don't have an answer... maybe, hold your nose, lie back and think of England?

 

There is very little fun in sex if only one person is enjoying it. If it is medical the problem work hard at doing something about it, and let him/her do what she needs to do (short of cheating/escorts).

 

The OP has some deep seated resentment/issues that she is not facing from what I read.

[LittleTiger]

ah, there's still hope, then...

 

In your case giotto, I highly doubt it!

 

Jokes apart, if the OP is so dissatisfied of her sex life, she should just get a divorce, because it's not going to get any better, especially if she is not attracted to him physically. I don't know the OP's age or if they have children, but why live in misery?

 

I agree - it's very unlikely to get better and more likely to get worse.

 

EDIT: I can see they have children and quite young... oh, well. Quite a difficult one and I don't have an answer... maybe, hold your nose, lie back and think of England?

 

I was going to say this but thought most people here, being American's, wouldn't get it. I didn't think of adding 'hold your nose' though!

[giotto]

In your case giotto, I highly doubt it!

 

oh, well... as we say in Italian, hope is the last to die...

 

I was going to say this but thought most people here, being American's, wouldn't get it. I didn't think of adding 'hold your nose' though!

 

As you can see, I still haven't lost my sense of humor, after all...

[soserious1]

When is the last time your husband had a full physical? A body odor that unpleasant could definitely be coming from a physical problem that needs to be addressed

[Dust]

When is the last time your husband had a full physical? A body odor that unpleasant could definitely be coming from a physical problem that needs to be addressed

 

You mean he could be sick? More reason for her to dump him[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[BeenThinking]

If you want your marriage to work you will need to 'grin and bear it'. Maybe you could sit down and talk about how sex could be better for you. As someone already suggested, perhaps a massage or more oral sex or whatever it is that you enjoy.

 

Yes, that's what I was thinking. I do want it to work and think these are all great ideas. Maybe I'll get a funky sex book and we could go through it together.

 

And I am attracted to him. For instance, at a party when he's got people gathered around him to hear him tell a funny story - that totally turns me on. Or him coaching our kids baseball. I just have to maybe "visualize" scenes like that of him when we're in the sack. That'll give me inspiration.

 

He can probably learn to last longer and can learn to give you what you need in bed. But he can't do any of those things if you keep the way you're feeling a secret. You aren't going to be able to improve your sex life with him on your own.

 

True. It seems the common theme is that I should voice my concerns. I will (except for the smell, which he can't help). His birthday is next week...and I think I'll give him a sex advice book for a present...and suggest we have fun with it together.

 

Since I believe this or worse would just happen with another man after some time being together she has a choice. Work it out by just accepting. She can also leave him, have good sex and excitement but be right back where she started in some time. Or she could be worse off because the next guy might not work so well in every other way. Even if you were with the guy who could skillfully screw for what ever time limit he chose you would still grow annoyed at something and be less excited in bed.

 

True...and I do believe this one is worth fighting for. We do have sex regularly but I think I need to try some different things to make it more fun for me. I'm sure he'd be open to it...and the book might help spark some new adventures.

 

 

Thanks all for the advice. And hope others that are feeling the same way are benefiting from reading the posts too.

[BeenThinking]

When is the last time your husband had a full physical? A body odor that unpleasant could definitely be coming from a physical problem that needs to be addressed

 

Good idea. Thanks.