nini Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 I know everyone on this forum advices that the best revenge is to let go, move on and be happy...but I cannot move on without making him pay! If someone can be so hurtful, and betray me after making 1,000 promises, after making me relocate and then want to leave me in a new city alone so they can live their life...I'm sorry, but he deserves to pay, and I will make him! Just not sure how to go on about it! But I'll make sure he hurts as much as I am hurting right now, and then I'll move on!!
TaraMaiden Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 You may well want revenge. Many may believe you're damn well entitled to it. Heck, you may even deserve to have it. But trust me on this: Whatever revenge you wreak, whatever pain you inflict, it will always hurt you more than it hurts him. Oh yes. it will. The best revenge is indifference. That's the opposite to Love, not as many believe, Hate. What you have, is 'hate'. And that accomplishes precisely Zip. Zero. Nada. Zilch. "He who cares the least, controls the most." But if it's revenge you crave, then really, nothing anyone could say will persuade you that it's a bad idea. And I know plenty of great revenge tactics. I'm just not giving any to you. I really think in this case, it would be extremely unwise of me.
nikkinicole36 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 The problem with revenge is that it lowers you not him. You'll have your revenge, but you won't really have the full satisfaction that you believe that you should have and the resulting peace. Think hard and carefully before you do something that might wind up ultimately hurting you or land you deeper trouble with law enforcement. No one is worth jail time.
andyg99 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 in the early stages of being dumped we go through moments of genuine insanity... when I found out my ex was going to meet up with some guy she met on-line 2000 miles away last week I went a little bonkers. I held it in though and vented to friends who worked me through the critical stages. I had thought of contacting the guy and letting him know what he is getting himself into - you know, kind of screw up her little fling... but when my mind was a little clearer I knew doing anything like that would be pointless, the guy is already buying her lies and maybe his goal is to just get laid and he wouldn't care anyway, keep revenge to a fantasy and clearer thinking will soon prevail....
vsmini Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 If someone can be so hurtful, and betray me after making 1,000 promises, after making me relocate and then want to leave me in a new city alone so they can live their life...I'm sorry, but he deserves to pay, and I will make him! There is nothing you can do to make him feel the pain you are feeling right now. Nothing. Even if you found a way to make his life miserable - he would never feel the pain you feel now. In fact - he would probably be even MORE happy about his decision to leave you because in his mind he would be justified in doing so. If you start acting like a psycho he'll think "thank god I got rid of her." It's just not worth it. I know a man that wasted the better part of the last 10 years of his life trying to make his ex wife miserable. He pouted, used his own kids against her and all it did was leave him feeling more miserable while his kids grew up resenting him for what he made them go through and now the ex wife has happily moved on. The man is still alone and upset that nothing he did ever worked. Revenge is futile - You can't make him pay.
Author nini Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 He came by this afternoon, said sorry I have never meant to hurt you, I just feel different, what can I do etc. etc. and then I was pleading, give me a chance, I'll make you happy again, just lets be together and we can be happy..and he goes 'I have nothing left to give you, I feel different, just let me go' then I was kissing him, hugging, crying saying please give me one last chance and he goes 'you make me so h***y and we ended up doing stuff'. And then he packed up and left! I hate him, I hate him more than words can say, he has to pay. I have some dirt on him which if I told his employers and university he would lose his job and get his PhD revoked...but that can wait! For now, I'm going to beg/plead and ask for another chance, and once he agrees, I'll make him love me again, and then I'll dump his sorry ass and humiliate him...I'll get there, just need to show him the old me, so he can see what he's missing... So from my side from this moment onwards...I'm going to smile, be happy, be lovey dovey with him, tell him all the things he wants to hear, and once he wants to be with me, I'll dump him! He has caused me and my family much pain and embarassment, him and his family should feel the same. And then it'll be even!
andyg99 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 you are better than him, don't do this, lean on family and friends - scream, cry, whatever you need to do but let him go, nobody is worth lowering yourself and losing your dignity...
TaraMaiden Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 The classic, fingers-in-the-ears *la la la la I can't hear you!* response. Good luck with that. All you will do is lay yourself on a platter for him and make him believe you're willing to be a phukk-buddy. you proved that today. you did exactly that. You became his phukk-buddy. And this is the only way he will ever see you. Because he will exploit your affections, and trust me - if this goes on, no way will you ever have the strength to do what you plan. Because you love too much. And hatred accomplishes nothing, except shattered pride and broken hearts.
Author nini Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 The classic, fingers-in-the-ears *la la la la I can't hear you!* response. Good luck with that. All you will do is lay yourself on a platter for him and make him believe you're willing to be a phukk-buddy. you proved that today. you did exactly that. You became his phukk-buddy. And this is the only way he will ever see you. Because he will exploit your affections, and trust me - if this goes on, no way will you ever have the strength to do what you plan. Because you love too much. And hatred accomplishes nothing, except shattered pride and broken hearts. I know what you're saying, but I don't want him to love me, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this guy who is so cruel who did this to me, he has lost all respect in my eyes, and I can never be with someone I don't respect and trust... And if this fails, I will make that call to his employers and his university, and then he can suffer while I move on... To be honest, there are times, like now, I feel like I have moved on, the feeling of 'I love him, past was perfect, we were perfect, why cant we be perfect again' is gone (at least for the time being, it does resurface after 2-3 days when the anger goes) but if he doesnt pay, I'll never feel at peace. Its what's keeping me going right now, it's what's keeping me motivated to study for my exams, so I have to hold on to it, otherwise I'll just break down and lose the will to live...
TaraMaiden Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Yeah, fine, whatever. Tell me, when you make that call to his employers and to the university, will it be just his life you try to ruin, or will others take a fall too? In other words, if you wreak revenge, you should make sure it hits just the target, and doesn't cause a seismic fall-out for innocent bystanders....
Author nini Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 Yeah, fine, whatever. Tell me, when you make that call to his employers and to the university, will it be just his life you try to ruin, or will others take a fall too? In other words, if you wreak revenge, you should make sure it hits just the target, and doesn't cause a seismic fall-out for innocent bystanders.... No it will just be him, and I guess his mum will feel very sad for her son, but since she has been such a b***h to me, I dont really care if I hurt her...
Taramere Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 I know what you're saying, but I don't want him to love me, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with this guy who is so cruel who did this to me, he has lost all respect in my eyes, and I can never be with someone I don't respect and trust... And if this fails, I will make that call to his employers and his university, and then he can suffer while I move on... To be honest, there are times, like now, I feel like I have moved on, the feeling of 'I love him, past was perfect, we were perfect, why cant we be perfect again' is gone (at least for the time being, it does resurface after 2-3 days when the anger goes) but if he doesnt pay, I'll never feel at peace. Its what's keeping me going right now, it's what's keeping me motivated to study for my exams, so I have to hold on to it, otherwise I'll just break down and lose the will to live... Well if the fantasy of getting revenge is helping you through a difficult time, then hold on to that fantasy. Just don't act it out. One day you're going to be completely indifferent to this guy. It might not seem possible right now, but it will happen. When that day comes, you will be glad you didn't allow his actions to transform you into a vindictive human being.
TaraMaiden Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Oh you sound more and more 'together' by the minute.... Ok, so what does he do at the university? Who are his employers? Because trust me, revenge wreaks ripples in the pond.... You may not give a flying-phukk for him or his mother, but a good career down the pan touches thousands of people. Ruin one life by all means, but ensure that whatever you do will not affect anybody else. And that, my dear, is pretty much impossible. but hell, why should you care? A little suffering never hurt anybody - right?
Author nini Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 Well if the fantasy of getting revenge is helping you through a difficult time, then hold on to that fantasy. Just don't act it out. One day you're going to be completely indifferent to this guy. It might not seem possible right now, but it will happen. When that day comes, you will be glad you didn't allow his actions to transform you into a vindictive human being. I know...you're right..a part of me wants to let go...just let go completely, not look back...forget the past 4 years, forget all the promises made, all the dreams, all the hopes...just move on...probably relocate, to somewhere far away...and forget him like a bad dream But I'm so hurt, I go to sleep crying, I wake up crying, I run to the bathroom at work and cry, I watch tv and cry, everything hurts.. It doesnt help that I'm in this new city thanks to him, and know absolutely no one except people at work (I dont want to tell them how I feel, it just doesnt seem right). Has he got no empathy? I am not just a random girl on the streets, I'm someone he was going to marry, have kids with, have a life with...how can he jsut throw me away like I mean nothing, like I'm worthless? And then he has the guts to tell me things like 'Why dont you just let go, leave me alone, find someone else'...then why did you make me move across the country to be with you...to dump me??? Why???
Taramere Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 I know...you're right..a part of me wants to let go...just let go completely, not look back...forget the past 4 years, forget all the promises made, all the dreams, all the hopes...just move on...probably relocate, to somewhere far away...and forget him like a bad dream But I'm so hurt, I go to sleep crying, I wake up crying, I run to the bathroom at work and cry, I watch tv and cry, everything hurts.. It doesnt help that I'm in this new city thanks to him, and know absolutely no one except people at work (I dont want to tell them how I feel, it just doesnt seem right). Has he got no empathy? I am not just a random girl on the streets, I'm someone he was going to marry, have kids with, have a life with...how can he jsut throw me away like I mean nothing, like I'm worthless? And then he has the guts to tell me things like 'Why dont you just let go, leave me alone, find someone else'...then why did you make me move across the country to be with you...to dump me??? Why??? I found myself in a similar situation some years ago....not quite the same though, as I was visiting on a trial basis rather than having moved there, started a job etc. It hadn't started out as a long distance relationship. We'd started out living in the same town, and it had been great...but then he moved, and things were very much on and off for a long time. Not an unusual story by any means. Anyway, it was similar in that after some discussion about our future I moved to him - on his territory, where he knew lots of people and I knew nobody. I can't say he "made" me do it though. He suggested it and I agreed. It went disastrously wrong very quickly. It feels like a distant and fairly irrelevant memory now....but I remember it well enough to know that back then I seriously considered suicide - and it definitely wasn't something I recovered from overnight. I wished him ill plenty of times. I wouldn't admit it to people, because I didn't want to be that person who would wish another human being ill, but I did. Had somebody offered me the opportunity to take action that would destroy him, and that wouldn't have involved any negative consequences for me, I think I might have taken it. Now, it's hard for me to believe I felt that way. I'm glad I didn't have the opportunity to take any revenge...and didn't go out of my way to create such an opportunity. I would hate for me to have become that person just because of some idiot's narcissistic and immature outlook on life. The memory of him gradually faded until eventually he just became another name from the past. Which is what this guy will be for you one day. Just a name from the past - nothing more.
Mack05 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 (edited) Nini, I have to reply to this. I am 36. Over the years I have been hurt and I have hurt people. I can honestly say I have never intentionally set out to hurt someone. In my last relationship, I was at times emotionally abusive. I didn't mean to be, I was just so desperate to find the right girl to be totally compatible with. The truth is I had never of the term 'emotional abuse'. As soon as my ex told me what I was doing, I stopped immediately, booked myself into Therapy and never did it again (and will never do it again going forward). Sadly, the damage had already been done. I went to Therapy to resolve my issues. I have completed four months and I know I am a changed man. A man who will be a great partner to the right girl (hopefully!!).. In relationships we all get hurt by people we love. When we go through the anger phase, the first tempation is to lash out and get revenge. That is natural, afterall no one wants to feel like a doormat. But what does revenge really achieve? It's attitude's like yours Nini that has made the world the messed up place that it is. I have hurt you so I am going to hurt you back (back and forth, back and forth). Inflicting more and more hurt and pain. The people that go and get revenge in my eyes are not good people at heart, especially the people that get some sort of kick and joy out of revenge. Most people that look to inflict revenge end up bitter, sad and lonely (even if they are in relationships). Negative, glass is half empty kind of people. I hurt my ex in my last relationship. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel regret for my behaviour..I went to Therapy as I said to resolve my demons and to make sure that next time, I treat a lady with the love and respect she deserves going forward. I sent a sincere letter apologising to my ex. It wasn't enough for my ex, who has gone out of her way to intentionally hurt me on a few occasions now...So here we are, I have hurt her, she has hurt me should I try find a way to hurt her back??I could, but as I said I have never deliberately set out to hurt someone, especially someone who I still care about (no matter how much she has hurt me) and I never will. I can't focus on her behaviour, only my own. I don't want to be a sad, bitter and lonely old man going forward. The best way to avoid that scenario is to forgive them and slowly move on. Forgiving someone who has hurt you is so hard. It's easier to hold onto pain and resentment but this is not healthy. Nini if you want to grow as a person forgive your ex. This is extremely hard to do... The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love. I posted this clip before about forgiveness (skip to 3:50) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLsWSiitLGw&feature=related Nini you have a choice in your life now. Stay bitter and get revenge, letting yourself down as a person or you can be the bigger person and make a positive choice that will help you grow as a person going forward. Your choice.......... Edited July 3, 2011 by Mack05
Geya Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 I also would LOVE revenge however he's not worth me putting any time and effort just to make him miserable, to me with the way he treated me in the relationship he has a pretty self-destructive pattern, all his relationships will be the same unless he worked on himself (but hey, he thinks his perfect so no need right lol) I know that karma will come back to get him.. Plus nini you think he feels good about himself with what he've done to you? He either feels like he's a terrible person (which he is) or he has extremely no emotions (which will come bite him in the a$$ in the future) either way, it's his loss hun Now you can fantasize about ruining him all you want but you're too good to go to that level, he's not worth it sooooo not worth it so soooo not worth it believe me.
Author nini Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 I also would LOVE revenge however he's not worth me putting any time and effort just to make him miserable, to me with the way he treated me in the relationship he has a pretty self-destructive pattern, all his relationships will be the same unless he worked on himself (but hey, he thinks his perfect so no need right lol) I know that karma will come back to get him.. Plus nini you think he feels good about himself with what he've done to you? He either feels like he's a terrible person (which he is) or he has extremely no emotions (which will come bite him in the a$$ in the future) either way, it's his loss hun Now you can fantasize about ruining him all you want but you're too good to go to that level, he's not worth it sooooo not worth it so soooo not worth it believe me. Thank you Geya, I'm soooo torn..I keep hitting highs (I think!) where I feel like its his loss, he'll regret it, no one can love him as much as I do, he'll realise/regret one day and I'll be long over him by then but then I hit major lows where I keep thinking: 4 years and he treated me like this? how did I let him treat me so bad? All the things I did for him, why did I create all those good memories with a jerk like him and now I keep thinking of them, when we started going out, he once told me that his parents have never taken him on holidays so every single holiday I got I took him somewhere abroad, sometimes even paid for the whole thing. I did everything he wanted me to, then where did I go wrong? How did this happen? I dreamt of the perfect wedding, perfect marriage, perfect kids, perfect future with this guy, how could I have misjudged the situation so badly? I am sooo stupid. I realise that revenge is not the way foward, but I have nothing to hold on to! Why is he in a good place and I'm not? Looking back, he treated his ex with such shocking cruelty and I just watched her cry and beg, I should have seen it coming to me too.
Eeyore79 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I think it's terrible to try to ruin another person's career and get them sacked from their job. I don't care what they've done to you, it's just vindictive and spiteful. Some people have been extremely nasty and cruel to me, but I wouldn't do something spiteful to them in return, because I'm better than that. If I did something really hateful to another person, I wouldn't feel satisfied that I got revenge, I'd just feel ashamed of my own behavior - two wrongs don't make a right. I hope you can find it in you to be the decent person in all of this, and just hold your head high and walk away.
Author nini Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 I think it's terrible to try to ruin another person's career and get them sacked from their job. I don't care what they've done to you, it's just vindictive and spiteful. Some people have been extremely nasty and cruel to me, but I wouldn't do something spiteful to them in return, because I'm better than that. If I did something really hateful to another person, I wouldn't feel satisfied that I got revenge, I'd just feel ashamed of my own behavior - two wrongs don't make a right. I hope you can find it in you to be the decent person in all of this, and just hold your head high and walk away. I agree 100%, God knows what I was thinking a few hours ago, have had a chance to cool down, am just going to let go...the person I loved is gone, and this is not the person I love/know...he's a stranger...and so I shouldnt feel anything for this guy... I just want to get done with this crappy exams that are actually stressing me out majorly and making me react stupidly to things, and then I can get a life. Every second spent thinking of him and the past is a waste of my time...and slowly, I will stop doing it. Thanks all you guys, I know I wasnt listening/hearing anything earlier on...but a big thanks to all of you...especially for the gridiron gang video clip and the psychology of break-ups link...it really helped... I HAVE TO FORGIVE, FORGET AND MOVE ON!
Author nini Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Nini, I have to reply to this. I am 36. Over the years I have been hurt and I have hurt people. I can honestly say I have never intentionally set out to hurt someone. In my last relationship, I was at times emotionally abusive. I didn't mean to be, I was just so desperate to find the right girl to be totally compatible with. The truth is I had never of the term 'emotional abuse'. As soon as my ex told me what I was doing, I stopped immediately, booked myself into Therapy and never did it again (and will never do it again going forward). Sadly, the damage had already been done. I went to Therapy to resolve my issues. I have completed four months and I know I am a changed man. A man who will be a great partner to the right girl (hopefully!!).. In relationships we all get hurt by people we love. When we go through the anger phase, the first tempation is to lash out and get revenge. That is natural, afterall no one wants to feel like a doormat. But what does revenge really achieve? It's attitude's like yours Nini that has made the world the messed up place that it is. I have hurt you so I am going to hurt you back (back and forth, back and forth). Inflicting more and more hurt and pain. The people that go and get revenge in my eyes are not good people at heart, especially the people that get some sort of kick and joy out of revenge. Most people that look to inflict revenge end up bitter, sad and lonely (even if they are in relationships). Negative, glass is half empty kind of people. I hurt my ex in my last relationship. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel regret for my behaviour..I went to Therapy as I said to resolve my demons and to make sure that next time, I treat a lady with the love and respect she deserves going forward. I sent a sincere letter apologising to my ex. It wasn't enough for my ex, who has gone out of her way to intentionally hurt me on a few occasions now...So here we are, I have hurt her, she has hurt me should I try find a way to hurt her back??I could, but as I said I have never deliberately set out to hurt someone, especially someone who I still care about (no matter how much she has hurt me) and I never will. I can't focus on her behaviour, only my own. I don't want to be a sad, bitter and lonely old man going forward. The best way to avoid that scenario is to forgive them and slowly move on. Forgiving someone who has hurt you is so hard. It's easier to hold onto pain and resentment but this is not healthy. Nini if you want to grow as a person forgive your ex. This is extremely hard to do... The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love. I posted this clip before about forgiveness (skip to 3:50) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLsWSiitLGw&feature=related Nini you have a choice in your life now. Stay bitter and get revenge, letting yourself down as a person or you can be the bigger person and make a positive choice that will help you grow as a person going forward. Your choice.......... Thanks for the clip Mack05, I cant thank you enough! It stopped me going mental and raging...I will move on, I will be a better person, I will have a good life, and I will find someone to love, and I will make him the happiest person on the planet. I will. Thank you so much.
Sugarkane Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Hi Nini I understand how you feel as I've struggled with this too. Its easy for someone to say forgive and move on, but its much harder to actually do. There was an article on baggage reclaim explaining this. Forgiveness implies that the person actually apologised to you, but in our cases that never happened. I understand what you're going through, I did everything right and my ex hurt me like hell and for some reason never showed remorse or regreted it.
krifle04 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 My revenge was making out with a guy I know my ex hates. My ex doesn't know and will never know, but it will always be something I can giggle about in my mind.
Mack05 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I will move on, I will be a better person, I will have a good life, and I will find someone to love, and I will make him the happiest person on the planet. I will. Thank you so much. That right there is why you are a class act Nini...
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