Confronting the Affair

[ThatGirl123]

Ok so I know. And I have proof. Now I just need to know how to calmly confront the affair. I accused him in the past. I knew it was happening but had no proof and was wrong to just accuse him and also did not do it in the best manner. Crying accusing irrational. But now that I have proof I need to truly confront it and he needs to admit it before we can move on (together or apart.)

 

If you read my other thread you know we are separated and that I also still want to be with him. I would rather not not have to show my evidence but if I have to I will.

 

But also upon separation we agreed not to date other people. And what really bothers me about it now is I got the good out of the separation and he didn't because he was spending it with her. I grew alot and spent alot of time thinking and bettering myself which is great but he didn't spend that time alone to think and he is just as conflicted now as the day he moved out.

[ThatGirl123]

I should also mention that they are having their own issues in the relationship. I found That they were fighting and he asked her to get her things out of his apartment. I obviously don't want him running back to me because it didn't work out with her. It seems that maybe it is over between the two of them but the evidence I found shows that this was not the first time they had one of these fights.

[YellowShark]

He cheated. He agreed to not date during the separation and lied and cheated again.

 

Is this the man you want to have a life with ThatGirl123? Really? Come on.

 

I say cut your losses and move on... there are billions of decent men out there who will not throw you under a bus and lie to you.

 

And if you want to know how to confront him. Give him hard copies of your evidence. Not the originals but duplicates. Say "Don't even bother lying to me." Then walk away.

[ThatGirl123]

He cheated. He agreed to not date during the separation and lied and cheated again.

 

Is this the man you want to have a life with ThatGirl123? Really? Come on.

 

I say cut your losses and move on... there are billions of decent men out there who will not throw you under a bus and lie to you.

 

And if you want to know how to confront him. Give him hard copies of your evidence. Not the originals but duplicates. Say "Don't even bother lying to me." Then walk away.

 

Cheaters lie I think we all know that. I also know that he still loves me. And I still love him and I know it will be hard but I know I can forgive him. I realize it is rare but people do get past affairs. And their relationships are probably better for it. And I also can feel the difference in him when he wants to be with me and doesn't. He's conflicted.

And what really annoys me about the separation. Not that he actually had an affair yes it hurts but I really knew it all along, I did confront him about it but he of course denied it because cheaters lie. The separation could have helped the marriage. It did in some ways. Two days after the separation the issues we were having were gone. Like living under the same roof just was too much for us to handle. But he has erased everything good that happened by continuing the affair. Being mad about it is not going to help apart or together. I don't want to be some cranky witch who demands all his money for all the emotional pain he put me through by cheating on me. I don't think of him as some low life who cheated on his wife. I know he is suffering enough without me throwing it in his face. That said I do have to confront it and the sooner the better. I don't want to drag it out any longer. I love spending time with him but I will not anymore untill he confesses. But I am not going to throw the evidence in his face or shout to him I knew it all along. I'm not going to go confront the OW and tell her what I think of her (although it does sound like fun) I want truths not lies and going in angry will just produce lies.

 

Sorry that was so long and probably repetative.

[YellowShark]

You really have to do some soul searching here ThatGirl123 and stop making excuses for him. He threw you under a bus. Not a really nice thing to do.

 

He cheated on you, then you separated, he promised not to see her again and went ahead and saw her again. That's two strikes against him. And he won't even take ownership for what he's done. "Conflicted" is an understatement. You made it clear during your separation what the boundaries were and he totally ignored them and ran back into the arms of the other woman.

 

You have every right to be angry and hurt that he threw you under a bus. It is now up to him to win YOU back by doing the right thing. Denying the affair is not the right thing. That is not love. That is not showing you any compassion. He *is* someone who cheated on his wife.

 

Sure, you can hold back the evidence until he admits what he did. Sure it's not in your best interest to confront the OW and tell her what you think of her. I wouldn't contact her either.

 

But if you think I would cut him any slack... forget it.

[2sunny]

i think you seem too willing to forgive when he hasn't even admitted to doing what he's been doing - and hasn't DONE A THING to make sure it will never happen again. for heaven's sake - he's STILL with her.

 

as long as she's in the picture - there's no chance of things working out in the M.

 

so at best, you are delusional. he may not even want to come back, yet you are already set to "forgive him".

 

let HIM do the work HE needs to do to EARN your trust back. if you hand it to him on a silver platter - he is likely to cheat again, soon more likely.

 

don't be so anxious. he has so much to work on. but first - he may not even get rid of his OW.

 

tell him you want a divorce. that may make things real.

[fltc]

tell him you want a divorce. that may make things real.

 

Tell him by filing, that should get his attention!

[ThatGirl123]

i think you seem too willing to forgive when he hasn't even admitted to doing what he's been doing - and hasn't DONE A THING to make sure it will never happen again. for heaven's sake - he's STILL with her.

 

as long as she's in the picture - there's no chance of things working out in the M.

 

so at best, you are delusional. he may not even want to come back, yet you are already set to "forgive him".

 

let HIM do the work HE needs to do to EARN your trust back. if you hand it to him on a silver platter - he is likely to cheat again, soon more likely.

 

don't be so anxious. he has so much to work on. but first - he may not even get rid of his OW.

 

tell him you want a divorce. that may make things real.

 

They aren't together right this second. They seem to be apart but it's hard to tell from my evidence. Looks like they haven't seen each other in almost two weeks. And the relationship has really gone down hill for about the last six weeks. Which he also has been spending more time with me during this time. I know he hasn't seen her or talked to her in over a week.

 

As an outsider looking in they are not at all right for each other, I knew her before, she is not someone he would have chosen to date. And obviously it's not working out so well. But she sure is trying hard to manipulate him.

 

I really don't want to play games here. I'd like to sit down and really talk to him. I just don't know how to get started without coming out looking like an accuser. And I don't want him to start lying or denying during this conversation. I'm not sure if I should just calmly act like I am fully aware of their affair or what.

 

I can't divorce without proof of the affair and we haven't been separated a year. From what I understand in my state the evidence I have doesn't count. It has to be a private investigator. And I also know they have been very careful (not leaving cars at each others places and such) so I doubt a private investigator would find anything. And I'm not going to waste money on that. I know someone who was going through a divorce and he knew it was going on but his lawyer told him that if the PI didn't find anything he was basically SOL and like $1000+ wasted.

[robf1971]

Cheaters lie I think we all know that. I also know that he still loves me. And I still love him and I know it will be hard but I know I can forgive him. I realize it is rare but people do get past affairs. And their relationships are probably better for it. And I also can feel the difference in him when he wants to be with me and doesn't. He's conflicted.

.

 

Pack his stuff in boxes and leave it for the garbage truck. Tell him to come and get it. Ignore all his begging etc. When he is prepared to walk barefoot over broken glass to get you back, only then should you give it any consideration. Even then proceed with extreme caution.

[ThatGirl123]

And Yes I am probably too willing to forgive. But that doesn't mean I am going to let him keep cheating on me. I know that nothing is going to happen untill it is all out in the open. Until he admits it. That's why I want to confront him about it. But I don't want it to turn into some fight.

 

The reason I am not flipping out right now is because I don't want to. I've already done the crying and depression part. I've already dine the angry and accusing part. Neither we're healthy or good for me or our relationship. They just tore bigger holes and created more distance. Had I taken this calm approach to the situation I the first place we would be together right now I am positive. The biggest reason he left was my behavior. I cried constantly, I Got mad at him for the stupidest reasons that had nothing to do with the affair. And at the time nothing was even going on. I can pinpoint the exact moment their relationship started to be more than friends. Looking back at it with a clear mind I was stupid to act the way I did because it didn't help.

 

I'm over being hurt and feeling sorry for myself.

 

Yes he needs to prove to ME that he wants to be with me. And I fully intend to make sure this happens.

[ThatGirl123]

Pack his stuff in boxes and leave it for the garbage truck. Tell him to come and get it. Ignore all his begging etc. When he is prepared to walk barefoot over broken glass to get you back, only then should you give it any consideration. Even then proceed with extreme caution.

 

I think I may make this part of the conversation..

 

Not the packing his stuff part but tell him "if you decide you want to be with me you can come to me and maybe I will consider it"

[PegNosePete]

If someone treated me like that then I would never take them back. I mean WTF? He obviously has no respect for you or your marriage. What do you think he would do if you did that to him? I'd wager that you'd be out the door within 5 seconds.