leilab Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 It has been 6 weeks since MM broke it off with me and since then I have adhered to the policy no contact. He had told me that he realized that he still loves his wife and wants to work out his marriage. So, I complied. Since then I have spent every day in tears, going to counseling and ready books and posts about the OW and MM. But I am no better off that the day he broke off with me. I love him and still have hope in my heart that somehow this will all work out. Things are not better, or seem to be improving at all. I think I am at the end with myself. There is no point in no contact anymore to me. What have I got to lose at this point? I want to write him an email and let him know that if things do not work out in his marriage that there is an open door for him... Yeah, I know that's pretty sad, so let me have it. Give me some feedback on what a stupid idea contacting him is. P.S. try and be somewhat gentle - you guys can be pretty direct.
shamen Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Don't send the email. You will be better off doing exactly what you're doing. Reading, going to counseling, and letting things cool off. It may seem like the right thing to do right now (the email) because you're hurting. That hurt however will go away in time. You just have to be patient. Yeah, I know, patience is hard when you're feeling the way that you are, but it is the right thing. Don't mess up all the good you've done in the last six weeks for a weakness that you are experiencing right now. As I'm sure that you are aware, men in marriages don't tend to leave their wives for the OW.
Girlie Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Don't do this! First of all, I don't have to tell you that it's tacky. "If things don't work out in your MARRIAGE....." Ewww. Secondly, as shamen said, don't undo all of the good work you've done just because your healing isn't happening as quickly as you'd like. Believe it or not, you are healing. The grieving process is a slow one and doing this will be a setback. Lastly, what are you hoping to get out of this? Do you want him to say, sure, I'll make you my second choice? Do you really think that's going to make you feel better? And what if, more than likely, he doesn't respond at all or simply reiterates that he loves his wife? Won't that make you feel even worse? He's already told you it's over. You've got to let go now.
dazednconfused Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 Hang in there.......Always remember that life's greatest sin is convincing yourself that if you can't be the BEST that second best will do.
abyssalsmile Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 you should stick with leaving him alone it would only be worse if you kept this on.This whole affair that you see is just infatuation add the intrigue and the risk of not getting caught its like heaven.Trust me I am on the same boat but I am pregnant from this mm. Yet I am over him.Leave it be you are better off with someone who is not mmn and keep up the counseling.
miz_barby Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 It seems like so many women (in here and in the world) are getting involved with married men....(I'm mainly talking the one's who r still 2gether with their wives) okay my question is how does it happen? Do these men lie to you and then you find out later their married? Is it something that doesn't matter (the fact that you're NOT the main and ONLY one) in his romantic life? I am NOT passing judgement but am merely curious how these situations tend to come about? I know the men are at fault clearly but don't the women share equal blame?
TZ Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 I am in a similar situation (MM reconciling with wife--they also have a kid). It's been 2 weeks since he broke up with me. His 40th birthday was a week after the breakup and I didn't send him a birthday email or call him. I was just too devastated to do anything. Although, to this day, I still think about/of him day and night. I try to distract myself, but he's still in my heart because I loved him and cared about him (he knew this). It's been very difficult because we were very compatible and because I feel that I would never be able to find a man with the same good qualities that he had. But the breakup did a harakiri to my heart, and I'm still in pain. I know it gets better, but this one will take a long time to heal, because of how I felt about him. It's not that I wasn't in love with him, it's that I loved him, which takes a longer time to get over. He grew "disenchanted" with me--something that wounds the deepest corner of my heart. I miss him dearly and pray to God that it's His will that this happened in my life, at this stage of my life. Although I sometimes want to take action into my own hands and deal with the situation myself. But I'm afraid of calling/writing him because I don't want to be shoved away, which will make me feel worse. I don't want to feel unwanted anymore. Peace.
marriagesucks Posted April 23, 2004 Posted April 23, 2004 Originally posted by TZ I miss him dearly and pray to God that it's His will that this happened in my life, at this stage of my life. Although I sometimes want to take action into my own hands and deal with the situation myself. Dont you know anything about the 10 commandments?!! Not committing adultery is one of them. If God made that commandment, why in the world would he go against it?!! What you said highly upset me. I hope youre not the church going type. My husband and I once lived with a female who went to church all the time, drank and partied all the time, and ****ed my husband, and told me about it. What does that make her (and him) to me...a hypocrite. He claims to be a man of God himself. But I dont think so, not with all the crap he's done to me. Dont take this as me using my own personal experience to judge you. Im not doing that at all. But I find it totally weird for someone to say they hope it was Gods will to put sin in their life. Im not a church goer, but I still have my spiritual beliefs. Man, I cant tell you how dumb what you said sounds to me.
Author leilab Posted April 23, 2004 Author Posted April 23, 2004 Update. I DID NOT CONTACT HIM. And I will not today, as I can only take it day by day. Thanks for your comments and reality check. I think the comment about being "second choice" is sinking in (at least it went into my seemingly unrational brain) and you are all correct in that fact. I have been praying a lot and today for the first time in over two months I actually feel a sense of positivity within me. More than anything I am starting to feel that I can go on without him and that life will be o.k., yes maybe even good in the future. I do realize that all my feelings that I experienced with him were amazing, and that this is something that I want for myself. My realization comes from the need for me to be fulfilled on a spiritual, emotional, physical and mental level. That is what I need to have in a relationship - and for whatever it is worth I am glad that I experienced those feelings so that I know what has been lacking in my relationship. I have also realized that I need to end my current relationship. Many of the problems I can work out and solve but feelings cannot be worked on. They either exist or they do not. And at least now, via MM, I know what I NEED in my "significant other". And I am also able to distinguish between what I WANT and what I NEED in a relationship.
shamen Posted April 23, 2004 Posted April 23, 2004 It probably would be good to have some time to yourself before starting up a new relationship. You've got to take the time to grieve for your past one. As you've said, don't settle for second!
justcallmesnug Posted April 25, 2004 Posted April 25, 2004 Originally posted by TZ I am in a similar situation (MM reconciling with wife--they also have a kid). It's been 2 weeks since he broke up with me. His 40th birthday was a week after the breakup and I didn't send him a birthday email or call him. I was just too devastated to do anything. Although, to this day, I still think about/of him day and night. I try to distract myself, but he's still in my heart because I loved him and cared about him (he knew this). It's been very difficult because we were very compatible and because I feel that I would never be able to find a man with the same good qualities that he had. But the breakup did a harakiri to my heart, and I'm still in pain. I know it gets better, but this one will take a long time to heal, because of how I felt about him. It's not that I wasn't in love with him, it's that I loved him, which takes a longer time to get over. He grew "disenchanted" with me--something that wounds the deepest corner of my heart. I miss him dearly and pray to God that it's His will that this happened in my life, at this stage of my life. Although I sometimes want to take action into my own hands and deal with the situation myself. But I'm afraid of calling/writing him because I don't want to be shoved away, which will make me feel worse. I don't want to feel unwanted anymore. Peace.
reachingskywards Posted April 25, 2004 Posted April 25, 2004 There is another very good website which is great to visit when you are in the midst of a breakup. They have an amazing forum there ... You should check it out... everyone is really supportive -- like here but they are dealing with the breakup thing only and everyone is going through exactly the same thing. http://members.boardhost.com/Tigress/ PS: I'm in a relationship with a MM and I have to say it's totally gut wrenching.
TZ Posted April 25, 2004 Posted April 25, 2004 To reachingskywards, Thank you for sharing that site. I just went to it and read the "I miss her" post by Wilfredo. Just reading his post made me break out and cry, because I feel exactly the same way. I can't stop thinking about my ex-bf/MM. He's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing at night. And throughout the day he's on my mind. I may act normal on the surface and to everyone else I may look like "I'm holding up pretty well", but I'm shattered inside. It's been 3 weeks since we last spoke. I haven't contacted him at all. He meant a lot to me, even with all the issues he was going through, I felt a deep warmth in him that I never found with anyone else. I miss his voice, his touch, his smell...
Azuresky Posted April 25, 2004 Posted April 25, 2004 I hope you do stay strong, and you sound like you are on the right track. Believe me, forgetting him and staying away from ALL MM in the future is the right thing to do! I fell in love with one in my mid 20s, and my feelings remained strong for nearly 10 years! While I continued dating and it was "over" after the first few years, no one ever compared to him. The problem is that I wasted all those years not being open to a real relationship. Next thing you know, you're in your 30s and everyone else is married with kids. You deserve it all - work on finding not just an unmarried guy, but also someone who is "emotionally available." That's the next trick! It's a trap that you may need to consider at a deeper level than just the specifics of why you liked this particular man.
reachingskywards Posted April 26, 2004 Posted April 26, 2004 I agree with what Azuresky has said about looking at deeper issues...Even though this is the only time I've been involved with a MM I have always had men in my life that have been unavailable for various reasons. ONe would drink a lot, another was a workaholic, another a womaniser.... now a married man. I've started to read books on this stuff. For Many people part of it is issues to do with being abandoned and another part is fear of intimacy (some of this can be subconsious) . While I always think that I really want to have the intimacy and curse the guys for not being available... I have to question whether deep down this is really true -- otherwise why would I end up in relationships with these guys. On the issue of trying not to think about the guy... I agree it's really hard and I'm in no way any expert at it. But, I foudn that when things were at there worst the best thing for me was to have a list of other things to think about... Like, think about my renovations, my last (or next) holiday etc... If I realised I was thinking about him again it made it easier to think about something else -- and that in itself made me feel better.
Author leilab Posted April 28, 2004 Author Posted April 28, 2004 Week 7 No contact - No change. I want to call him bad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know he is way too scared to ever call me again - dealing with emotional pain sends him running for the hills. For the last 7 weeks I have done everything I could, besides calling him. NO CONTACT, observed and evaluated the relationship from a distance, read tons of books on infidelity/marriage/self-helf (no abandonment issues with myself), gone to couseling, talked with friends, spent hours thinking about the whole situation. The waters are calmer and he has had time to think about whether his marriage can work out or not. He will not fade from my memory or my heart. I loved him 8 years ago and I love him today, yesterday and I will love him a year from now. Time to make a final stand? I am debating AGAIN to leave him a message and let him know that I am thinking about him and miss him a lot & and to call sometime if he wants to - And YES I did read the responses on being a second choice. I do not want to be that - and I think that trying to work things out with his wife are more about guilt feelings, his son and his FEAR about going through a divorce again and not so much about how we feel about each other. Also if he does not respond at all, maybe I will be able to move on. Either way I don't think I can feel worse than I have been and it leaves the door open for communication. And for heavens sake why am I not angry??? What is it that I cannot even be mad at him. Help me out guys - AND PLEASE BE GENTLE AS ALWAYS - I cannot go on like this.
shamen Posted April 28, 2004 Posted April 28, 2004 Leilab, Is there someone you can call to talk to so you don't call him? You've put all this time in doing the right thing and walking away! If you call him now, you will feel so much worse about it later. I'm about to go out after this message to avoid thinking about my ex: meeting a friend. How about going out with a friend for a little bit? I always feel that the busier I am, the better off I'll be by being away from my house. Does this work for you? You already know that he will eventually fade from the spotlight (maybe not completely) in your mind. It's only been 7 weeks, you were with him for some time if I remember correctly. Give it more time and have the patience that you need. You are doing all of the right things: counseling, talking with your friends, reading. Just keep doing it. Have you tried maybe keeping a journal? Just a suggestion. You could write all of the things that you want to say in there, so it feels like you're getting it out, but it's in a safe way that does not break your no contact. Maybe even start pretending like you are a little angry with him for putting you second and you will feel stronger about not calling him. It is not time to make a final stand by contacting him; it is time to make a final stand by continuing to do what you are doing. Please stay strong!
Author leilab Posted April 29, 2004 Author Posted April 29, 2004 Thx for your reply to my post - your kind word are more appreciated than you know. Yes - I am keeping a journal and writing in it when possible. My days are unfortunately or fortunately more busy than I care to admit. Full time job, 2 kids with lots of activities, my current situation that I am trying to unravel with my significant other, my dad that I moved out here from Florida, my house, the dogs and who knows what else. But I sure do find enough time to "obsess" about MM - most of the time I find myself unable to concentrate and many of the places I drive by are reminders on how we spent out time together. At work, by my house, in old work files. Everywhere I look I see reminders. Unbearable. Yes I talked to one of my best girl friends and she thought I should call and let him know I miss him. Most people would obviously have already moved on after 7 weeks. I cannot even think about someone else or seem to be unable to deal with any problems at all. I have been to hell and back for this one with a permanent tattoo etched across my face by the devil himself.
shamen Posted April 29, 2004 Posted April 29, 2004 Leilab, I'm sorry to hear that you're still in the obsession mode! It will get better; you have to trust that it will! Patience, patience, patience... It does sound like you are super busy with the job, kids and unraveling with the SO (I totally sympathize with this one, as he is still living here, ugh). But at the same time, finding the time to be obsessed is just a part that we sort of make for ourselves, ya know? I'm moping around right now due to the break up, just as you are (I did the break up too). At the same time, I realize that this moping and the lack of motivation that I'm experiencing are just part of what I am doing to myself and just part of the recovery process... So, now here we are again, at how do we stop obsessing? Just keep doing what you're doing and trust in the fact that the emotions that you feel will not always be there at the full strength that you are experiencing. That it is something that you can still feel, but don't need to live in. You know how you can still feel love for your first boyfriend, or whomever? Some past part of your life that you connect to and wonder about. This will eventually become one of those things. A thing that you can look back on... The time that we spend moping and obsessing, or whatever, fades. It's kind of like a thunderstorm. You watch it come in and this crazy sky is chasing you down. Then, the rain is all around you, sometimes it even hails... Next, it starts sprinking and then eventually, without you really even noticing it... it stopped. The sky is still grey and eventually you have blue again with beautiful white clouds all around. Those big storms can last for days, but it does have to clear up. I hope that this analogy isn't too corny, but I really believe that it is a good way to relate what you are going through to something tangible. Please don't listen to your girlfriend; the phone call is just going to put you right back into the thunderstorm; exactly where you don't need to be.
Azuresky Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 To Reaching Skywards - That's great that you recognize your patterns. I completely agree about the abandonment issues, intimacy, trust, etc. from childhood. It has taken me a long time to move toward men who are really "available." One book I really recommend is "He's Scared/She's Scared - Discovering the Hidden Fears That Are Sabatoging Your Relationships." It was a real eye-opener for me. At the very least, I thought it helped me to recognize men who were afraid of committment, in its various forms. And, as I stand on the threshold of getting married myself, I see just how terrified I really am - even though it is someting I've always wanted. I am trying very hard to deal with my anxieties and not go running scared!
meanttolive4ever Posted May 8, 2004 Posted May 8, 2004 just hang in there...dont give up if you really want him...
Author leilab Posted May 24, 2004 Author Posted May 24, 2004 Jusd a short update. It has been over two (2) months now. Since March 12 to be exact and no contact from him. Yes guys, I did leave him a message; I did not want to talk to him. But I did want to let him know that I have received my divorce papers a week ago. And I feel worse - in fact I feel better. From my end of the relationship, I was not lying or deceiving him. My words and actions were consistent with each other. I have also accepted that I cannot continue my marriage. I have probably been kidding myself for many years. This affair at least did show me what I want out of a relationship (even if it was all a fantasy). I am stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for my actions, including going through with my divorce. H Life is going on, even if it is not at all what I expected. But I believe that I am making the right choice in moving on. I have had plenty of people tell me that I am making a huge mistake, that I will regret my decision, that I have two kids and who will want me, etc.....but I truly feel that if I am in a committed relationship that I have to be fulfilled. The days are pretty tough but at least I am living in the NOW - not dreaming about him yesterday or tomorrow.
shamen Posted May 24, 2004 Posted May 24, 2004 Leilab: I went back through your previous posts and I didn't realize that you were married as well! Wow! Super extra confusing mess.... I'm sorry to hear that you are getting a divorce. If you really feel that it is the right decision, then more power to you, I guess. So, what's next? Your no contact thing seemed to work all right. Do you still want to be with the MM? I hope that you don't and that you're just trying to move on from your own marriage in which you do not feel happy. What are the reasons? This was never really addressed in your previous posts.
Author leilab Posted May 25, 2004 Author Posted May 25, 2004 I don't know what's next. You know I still want to be with my MM. I am still in denial that he does not love me enough. I guess I am surely not suffering from self esteem - I cannot see how he could have walked away from our relationship and how we felt about each other. In one of my first posts I described that I met my MM eight years ago and had my first affair with him. He then came back after 7 years because he still loved me and thought about me all the time...and did not want to miss me anymore. I loved him then and I still do - he had me at "hello". Probably one of the main reasons my marriage has not worked. Since that time the marriage was probably done but I stayed and tried to work things out. This time I can't do that again. This time our affair was much longer, and I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him. My husband is more like my third child. I love him and take care of him; even though the divorce is proceeding we have dinner together, laugh, work out and generally have a good time. I just don't have the "love" for him as a husband - and I hear everyone's comments that I need to let him go and find someone that will love him 100%. I know I cannot do that. It is sad for the kids and for him because HE does love me that way - it is like an evil curse. He loves me, I love MM, MM loves....??? probably himself/wife, who knows. This has been so hard, not only losing my lover but also someone I talked to all the time and shared my every thought. My life sucks. The best thing I have to look forward to is having a bad day instead of a terrible day. Yeah, I know I am depressed. Not to worry, I am taking medication.
Stripey Posted May 26, 2004 Posted May 26, 2004 hey leilab I figured Id reply on yours, that way you would know I had. Thanks for your message on mine. Our stories are so similar, it really serves as a reminder as how predictable human nature can be. My MM gave me the same utter and complete devotion. "Ive been in love 3 times and its NEVER been like this", "You ARE my dream", "YOu are the only person I have ever been able to picture growing old with" etc etc etc. He told me such intimate things about himself that he had never told his wife of 7 years. (7 years......). The connection was on all levels - intellectual, emotional, sexual. And as I have told you, he reached the same crisis point in a pool of guilt and sence of responsibility, and has decided to try again with her. In both our cases the wives have problems. In his case, she is infertile. Here are the differences in our expereinces, which may be interesting/insiteful for you. 1. He has not gone back to their home yet. In 2 months he is leaving town for a teaching job and they have decided to continue living apart until he goes and if things are going well they will move back in together at that point 2. He desperately wants to be friends. Cant bear the thought of not having me in his life (cake and eat it too...) 3. Therefore I still have access to him and see him, despite the fact he is staying true to his decision. So we still see eachother, have the same intence conversations, just are not having sex. I can do this because I am feeling similar to you. It hurts like hell, but I am not angry. I love him too much too be angry. And I know it has to be done. He would be of no use to me in this state. And I know I have brought this upon myself - who am I to complain. So this is where I thought it might be interesting for you. It would not suprise me if both these men are in a very similar emotional state, and I can tell you what mine is. He still loves me, and its eating him. Yet it doesnt change his decision. I would bet a milliion $s that your MM is feeling exactly the same way. That kind of love doesnt disappear overnight. It will be there for years. He proved this by turning up in your life 8 years later. Im not for one second suggesting that you or I should wait. Im just saying that there is some comfort in the fact that while this decision has been made, its not because we are not loved, or that what happened wasnt real. It was and the love is still there. We just have to find a way to walk away in tact. Sorry, I dont mean to be preachy - Im trying to convince myself more than anything. But you know, the funny thing is, now I get to see him. The more I do, the more I look at him and think how flawed he is. Most of me is still so very attracted to him, but the logical part of my brain is starting to click in and see why he is soooooooo bad for me. Hows this....I saw him last night. I had a really awful day. Everything just banked up and the mess of the whole situation overwhelmed me. I was a mess. He rang, and then without warning was on my dorrstep within 5 minutes very concerned. He satyed and hour and then came back later in the evening to check on me. He stayed 4 hours and we just talked and talked. And I watched while his justifications went round and round and round. In then end I told him that I have decided my only options are 1. to think long and hard about reconciling with my ex. that in itself is a huge issue. 2. to be alone for a very long time. Niether of these involve him and the idea of waiting is out of the question - I couldnt do it to myself (despite that he says he is going to try with her, but doesnt know if it will work - I tend to think it will). And then I had an idea - one more night together. All the decisions we made along the way about our relationship were made together. And the final one was made by him. I wanted to recliam ownership of the decision to part by spending one more night together talking till dawn and holding eachother. And believe it or not, he's thinking about it. Men. No doubt it is a really stupid idea - but somehow my ego wants to reclaim some power over this. That Im sure you understand. Do you think that is emotional suicide?? Id better go now. Hope to hear from you soon. PS Im on medication too.
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