Dating a man with PTSD

[wezol]

Question for women, but anyone can chime in.

 

Those of you who have followed my threads, my marriage went down the drain partly due to my issues, and its WAY to early to date but I don't want to make the same mistakes in a new relationship.

 

As much As I HATE to throw this term around, I do have combat PTSD. I have accepted it after almost two years of denial, but I trust people in this forum.

 

My thought is, when I eventually get to dating again, to be open about it we think things will get serious. I would think it only fair to express to them that I do have my own problems that I am working on.

 

So for the members on here, how best would it be to go about this without running them off? Also, would you run away? How would you react to something like this, would you be understanding or would it be a deal breaker?

 

I don't want to me the same mistakes Ive alreasy made once, and I feel it would only be fair to bring it up before things got serious. Am I wrong?

[wezol]

Also, excuse the typos, the only Internet I have is on an iPhone.

[thatone]

you have a legitimate reason for being "less than perfect". anyone who doesn't see that is shallow and selfish imo. let it slip in conversation, if someone considers it a reason for avoiding you, f them.

[wezol]

It's cool, man. I have seen worse, and that's coming from people typing on computers!

 

Haha, true.

 

To what you said, that's what I kinds figured, but there's a certain stigma that goes with it and I'm not sure how women view that. My soon to be x wife didn't handle it too well....and I was open with her but it took a long time. It's not an easy thing to talk about. Saying you have it and talking about the how and why are incredibly different and hard.

[carhill]

Continue psychological therapy for PTSD, network with other survivors and focus on healing yourself from your divorce.

 

If/when a future dating experience appears to become more intimate, share some of the lessons you've learned from your processes in a matter of fact way. The past had an effect on your psychology; you've worked on it and learned a few things about yourself. Share those. With the right person, that's a pathway to intimacy from a position of strength rather than a standpoint of sympathy.

 

I have no experience with active-duty military from your circumstances, but my exW had an abusive childhood which scarred her pretty seriously. There were a lot of really basic psychological issues which we couldn't resolve, so I would likely be hesitant to date someone with elemental psychological challenges, though I'd like to think I'd take it on a case-by-case basis. Obviously, a woman's perspective might be different.

 

I hope you find some peace. Best wishes.

[marigo]

I dont see anything wrong with bringing it up early on. If anything, it should make the girl understand you more and why you act a certain way and things like that. Naturally, it wouldnt be easy for anybody but a girl who truly cares about you should be able to look past that.

 

The guy im kinda seeing is in the military and he lost his leg from war. It didnt stop me from liking him and dating him. Things are pretty confusing for me right now because of the way hes acting (i dont really know where i stand) but i just try my best to understand that hes going through a lot and he needs time.

 

I guess what im trying to say is that anyone who really wants to be with you would not runaway. A girl who cannot understand that is probably not someone you would want to be with anyway.

 

Goodluck!!!

[alexlakeman]

Share it after you sleep with her and get intimate; that way she is closer to you; she has more invested, less chance of her walking out...plus you're getting to know each other; worse case scenario, she walks, but you got laid.

[ChessPieceFace]

Did you have to kill people? If so, that alone is going to drive a lot of people away, and rightly so. I'm a guy and with what I know about the world situation, I could never even really be friends with someone that killed for our government, let alone date them. I'm sure I have to avoid getting more political than that.

 

If you did, I would worry more about your own conscience, and psychological health, than I would about dating.

 

If you did not, then I agree with the above posters that say you could find a good way to bring it up, and that if you did it correctly, most people should be able to understand it. I don't think I would bring it up on the first date though... but I dunno.

[Scarlett77]

Hi Wezol,

I have read a few of your posts, and whilst I am not in your shoes, I think your marriage also collapsed due to your wires immaturity, and self centredness.

 

I work with the military, and have studied PTSD , mainly in combat situations) extensively. It is not a life sentence, actually it's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, and will eventually fade. There is actually another part of PTSD, which isn't talked about much, called"Post TRumatic Growth. This is

The strength and awareness one learns from going through experiences such as yours, which makes you in the long run, a better man.

In regards to your post, any woman that you eventually feel a future deep connection with, should probably be told. I think it's the same as most difficult things... I had a very difficult past, and while I hope it isn't always with me, it sometimes does affect how I react. So the few peope I am close to, I'll say" when X happens, I may react like Z"and let them know I'm working on it, but also tell them what the potential triggers are.

 

I hope I'm not rambling, and this makes sense.,you sound like an aware man, and any woman with any sense should be happy to be with you.

[Scarlett77]

I'm also posting on iPhone, which does distort things.

[oldguy]

EMDR has had some really good results for PTSD. It works well for many types of long term issues but was mainly developed for it. Find a practisioner & give it a try, but as with all theropy, go into it being open & honest & open minded.

[wezol]

Did you have to kill people? If so, that alone is going to drive a lot of people away, and rightly so. I'm a guy and with what I know about the world situation, I could never even really be friends with someone that killed for our government, let alone date them. I'm sure I have to avoid getting more political than that.

 

If you did, I would worry more about your own conscience, and psychological health, than I would about dating.

 

If you feel that way then you feel that way, but that's besides the point and too personal for me to talk about on an open forum.

[wezol]

Hi Wezol,

I have read a few of your posts, and whilst I am not in your shoes, I think your marriage also collapsed due to your wires immaturity, and self centredness.

 

I work with the military, and have studied PTSD , mainly in combat situations) extensively. It is not a life sentence, actually it's a normal reaction to an abnormal situation, and will eventually fade. There is actually another part of PTSD, which isn't talked about much, called"Post TRumatic Growth. This is

The strength and awareness one learns from going through experiences such as yours, which makes you in the long run, a better man.

In regards to your post, any woman that you eventually feel a future deep connection with, should probably be told. I think it's the same as most difficult things... I had a very difficult past, and while I hope it isn't always with me, it sometimes does affect how I react. So the few peope I am close to, I'll say" when X happens, I may react like Z"and let them know I'm working on it, but also tell them what the potential triggers are.

 

I hope I'm not rambling, and this makes sense.,you sound like an aware man, and any woman with any sense should be happy to be with you.

 

I agree that my wife's immaturity was a major part in the downfall of our marriage. Now I just want to focus on what I did and didn't do and try and make sure I don't make the same mistakes again.

 

I will sit them down and try and talk to them about it if things start to get serious with a new relationship. I'm just worried about scaring someone off, as it's not the easiest thing to talk about sometimes. It does effect my social life, although I have started getting better in some aspects.

 

I just don't know how someone would react to it, if it would be a turnoff, if it would too much for them to handle, etc.

[wezol]

EMDR has had some really good results for PTSD. It works well for many types of long term issues but was mainly developed for it. Find a practisioner & give it a try, but as with all theropy, go into it being open & honest & open minded.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

 

Is this what you're talking about?

[wezol]

So what country did you end up moving to in light of your despising the U.S. and its policies so much? Surely you wouldn't be able to hang around and take advantage of a lifestyle gained by policies you find so repugnant? Only a complete hypocrite could do that and still be able to look at themselves in the mirror.

 

It's alright, one thing I've learned is you can't change peoples minds on issues like that. There's perceived reality and there's REALITY, and the reality is you are not doing it for your government, you do it for yourself and your brothers.

 

Either way, this isn't the time nor place so.....whatever.

[LuckyLady13]

My reaction to finding out (or even seeing a hint of) you having PTSD would turn me away so fast. However, my reaction totally wouldn't be typical.

 

I suffered severe PTSD and know not only what it looks like but the things people with PTSD do. People with PTSD aren't the most stable people. The only way I could date someone with PTSD would be if they are currently in therapy with a good therapist, especially one who specializes in PTSD. Therapy really works on PTSD! It's amazing how well it works.

 

Knowing someone went to combat and is in therapy for PTSD now, I'd feel not only okay with it but pretty happy to have found someone I can admire. I have a heart condition that doesn't really effect my every day life much but I knew it would destroy me if I actually made it to training after a physical. I tried to figure out how to hide it during a physical so I could get to training but then thought how dumb it would be to drop dead in training!

 

So, for me, it would totally depend on your approach to the problem. Are you constructively doing something about it or just living with it? It takes years to just fade away on its own. Years! But therapy speeds that process up tenfold.

[wezol]

My reaction to finding out (or even seeing a hint of) you having PTSD would turn me away so fast. However, my reaction totally wouldn't be typical.

 

I suffered severe PTSD and know not only what it looks like but the things people with PTSD do. People with PTSD aren't the most stable people. The only way I could date someone with PTSD would be if they are currently in therapy with a good therapist, especially one who specializes in PTSD. Therapy really works on PTSD! It's amazing how well it works.

 

Knowing someone went to combat and is in therapy for PTSD now, I'd feel not only okay with it but pretty happy to have found someone I can admire. I have a heart condition that doesn't really effect my every day life much but I knew it would destroy me if I actually made it to training after a physical. I tried to figure out how to hide it during a physical so I could get to training but then thought how dumb it would be to drop dead in training!

 

So, for me, it would totally depend on your approach to the problem. Are you constructively doing something about it or just living with it? It takes years to just fade away on its own. Years! But therapy speeds that process up tenfold.

 

Thanks for your input.

 

I am actively seeking counseling, but it's extremely slow going. It's through the VA and it's an hour and a half drive, so trying to squeeze that in while working two jobs and also working on my Criminal Justice degree, makes it hard on time. I have cut back in drinking though, and instead of drinking until I'm drunk, just drinking until I have a decent buzz.....different types of whiskey. I drink to strive for feeling normal, when I get buzzed/drunk, I get happier...I am by no means an angry or mean drunk, exactly the opposite. Plus, I have a hard time sleeping....whiskey helps me get somewhat if a decent nights sleep.

 

 

Wow....this sounds horrible once it's put into print....

[cerridwen]

EMDR has had some really good results for PTSD. It works well for many types of long term issues but was mainly developed for it. Find a practisioner & give it a try, but as with all theropy, go into it being open & honest & open minded.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

 

Is this what you're talking about?

 

I second oldguy's suggestion.

I've had EMDR for trauma and by and large, it's worked wonders.

The therapist who administered it to me uses it to help veterans as well. She reports a high degree of success.

 

It's odd how EMDR allows your brain to reprocess the incident(s).

Whereas at one point, you are unable to think about the it without severe severe distress, after EMDR, the memories don't hurt. It's as though the pain and grief has somehow been disabled.

[O_O]

My ex has combat PTSD. He told me when we'd been seeing other very casually for a few weeks, and I think that was pretty good timing. If a girl is going to be scared away by it, it's better that you find out before you both get too attached, but it's also definitely not first date conversation material. What I do recommend is letting on that you're a vet fairly early on. The main reason I wasn't scared away is that I knew he was a vet and had seen combat, so the news that he had PTSD wasn't a total shock anyway.

 

It might also be a good idea to work up a brief explanation of how it impacts you in particular that you can give any girl you decide you're serious about. Reading about it on the internet gave me some insight, but it's really hard to figure out how the general pattern of the disorder applies to a specific person you care about. In my ex's case he was primarily moody and withdrawn, and I had a really hard time differentiating between the times when he was that way because of something I'd done and the times when it had nothing to do with me. Letting someone new you're dating know what PTSD means for you will help alleviate insecurities and make it easier for her to understand and support you. In my case, our breakup was because of him lashing out at me in a way that I'm almost positive had nothing at all to do with the PTSD, and I wouldn't be afraid to date someone else who has it. It's just a part of your life experience, and there are definitely women out there who get that and won't be stopped from loving you because of it.

[ChessPieceFace]

So what country did you end up moving to in light of your despising the U.S. and its policies so much? Surely you wouldn't be able to hang around and take advantage of a lifestyle gained by policies you find so repugnant? Only a complete hypocrite could do that and still be able to look at themselves in the mirror.

 

If you get me a space-plane ticket to an M-class planet not overrun by dangerous irrational apes, I would gladly check that out. Until then I'm unfortunately stuck here with the rest of you.

 

And since you brought it up -- I would gladly honor WW2 veterans, the legitimate war they fought and the freedoms they protected. As for afghanistan, iraq and the new bull!%@$ conflicts -- they have nothing to do with protecting our freedom and everything to do with doing the bidding of the corporations and oil companies that control our government now. It's not the fault of the soldier that these wars happened, but each soldier made individual choices and should be held accountable for them.

 

As for me not liking the U.S.? I like what it used to be, what as a child I taught it was supposed to be. I don't like the people that have hijacked it. I'm supposed to leave cause it's been hijacked? No.

 

Go ahead and call this an off-topic rant but it's actually on-topic. I feel this way because of the facts I know, other people feel this way and would have serious issues dating anyone involved with these wars. It DOES matter whether he's killed and how many he's killed, why he joined the military and how he justifies his choices. He DOESN'T have to respond on here of course, and in fact I wouldn't even suggest that as a good idea. I'm just making the statement that for his life including his dating life, these things could very well matter and will have to be discussed and dealt with, especially since he has PTSD from his time in the military. Maybe part of his PTSD is related to guilt. If so, I would suggest atoning and changing some life choices, maybe even becoming a "conscientious objector."

[LuckyLady13]

Thanks for your input.

 

I am actively seeking counseling, but it's extremely slow going. It's through the VA and it's an hour and a half drive, so trying to squeeze that in while working two jobs and also working on my Criminal Justice degree, makes it hard on time. I have cut back in drinking though, and instead of drinking until I'm drunk, just drinking until I have a decent buzz.....different types of whiskey. I drink to strive for feeling normal, when I get buzzed/drunk, I get happier...I am by no means an angry or mean drunk, exactly the opposite. Plus, I have a hard time sleeping....whiskey helps me get somewhat if a decent nights sleep.

 

 

Wow....this sounds horrible once it's put into print....

 

 

Sure, it does sound horrible in print but it's also typical. I'm able to find it a little funny right now that we also have had the same choice in drinks! I was becoming a whiskey connoisseur for a while there.

 

At least you're cutting back on your own so that's a good start. I know what you mean about feeling normal and getting a good night's sleep. I had to be buzzed to smile! Otherwise, I'd sit quietly with a blank stare. I knew a guy who did two tours in Iraq and he would get that same quiet, blank stare. A friend of mine (who is a Vietnam vet) said to me one day at my kitchen table "you're only okay when people are talking to you" and he was right. Other people talking to me would get my mind off the war in my head. If nobody was distracting me and I was left to my own devices, I wasn't doing too good.

 

I also started out getting completely comatose drunk and cut back like you're talking about. I have to say though...on my own, that would've been such a slow way to go about it. I had no idea therapy could work so fast and so well. If I knew, I would've went for it much sooner.

 

I know you've got a lot on your plate and that's good but don't waste any time like I did without therapy. There's a shortcut - Take it!

[wezol]

As for afghanistan, iraq and the new bull!%@$ conflicts -- they have nothing to do with protecting our freedom and everything to do with doing the bidding of the corporations and oil companies that control our government now. It's not the fault of the soldier that these wars happened, but each soldier made individual choices and should be held accountable for them.

 

Alright, that's enough.

 

How dare you insult my dead brothers you ignorant little prick, you come on here in my thread and I let it slide, but I'll be damned if I'll sit here and let you insult the memories of my brothers, saying they died for a useless conflict.

 

Let me tell you something asshat, when sh*t hits the fan, bullets and motors and IED's start coming your way, you don't give a damn about politics and why you're there or if it's just or unjust, it WAR, whether you like it or not. It's you or them, it's your buddies or them. So next time you decide you have you need to start spewing bull sh*t, take a step back, breath, and punch yourself in the throat.

 

Let me ask you this, would you rather bring the fight to them, or let them bring it to us. Because that's exactly what happened on September 11th, you're tactically retarded. There is a difference between what is IDEAL, and REALITY, and the REALITY is that there are people out there who hate us and want us dead. So be f*cking grateful that you have people who VOLUNTEER to do bad things so you don't have to, which is what makes us the greatest military in the world....you f*cking ass clown.

 

 

Maybe part of his PTSD is related to guilt. If so, I would suggest atoning and changing some life choices, maybe even becoming a "conscientious objector."

 

Don't you dare come on here telling me the problems I have are from guilt, you know NOTHING about me. My problems come from trying to sleep with rounds going over head, watching my buddies blown up, having the constant paranoia of whether that little 10 year old has a grenade, whether the mule cart is packed with explosives, or who in the crowd has the means and the wherewith-all to put a bullet in your head, and then they try to.

 

I have no guilt, I would make the same decisions again and again, because I made it home alive, as well as my buddies, because of our combined actions.

 

And it's arm chair generals like you who people are fighting and dying for, so I suggest you pull your head out of your 3rd point of contact, wipe the **** out of your hair, and think before you spew nonsense rhetoric that you see on CNN.

 

It's clowns like this that get raise my blood pressure....god I need a drink.

[oldguy]

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_and_reprocessing

 

Is this what you're talking about?

Yes. It essentially allows you to feel the experience from a new or different perspective. For instance; if your traumatized as a child, the memory will always evoke the feeling you had as a child, even though you have cognitively rationalized the trauma you still feel it the same way you did. EMDR using right brain / left brain to help you feel the experience from a new perspective. That is the best analogy I can come up with on the spot. It does work.

 

I second oldguy's suggestion.

I've had EMDR for trauma and by and large, it's worked wonders.

The therapist who administered it to me uses it to help veterans as well. She reports a high degree of success.

 

It's odd how EMDR allows your brain to reprocess the incident(s).

Whereas at one point, you are unable to think about the it without severe severe distress, after EMDR, the memories don't hurt. It's as though the pain and grief has somehow been disabled.

It's a whole brain therapy, It's amazing. Tapping works too but not as well and usually in conjunction with EMDR.