TooManyShoes Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Hi all, Please take out the time to read and answer. I have a problem, and people have so far been very unsupportive. My problem is that I am severely tokophobic (phobia of pregnancy and childbirth). The reasons are complex and very personal, and I hate to talk about them. The heartbreaking thing is that I love children, and have no problems with motherhood at all. I would love to adopt or maybe have a surrogate, but my family and friends keep saying that nobody will want to marry me, because men prefer to have biological children. I've been led to believe that most men will not even give me a chance when they hear about my problem. I'd like to say that men who hate children are hardly an answer to my problem because, even if I never marry, I will definitely adopt a baby. I can't imagine not having a child to bring up. I simply cannot give any man a guarantee that I will carry and birth his children. I will try my best but I cannot be sure.Even if I do it once, depending on the toll it takes on me, I might not be able to do it again. I must point out that I have been through therapy, and all sorts of stuff like talking to mothers etc. but nothing helped. If I do gather the courage to get pregnant, I will need a huge amount of support, and as my psychiatrist has suggested, a c section instead of a vaginal birth. Which is more expensive. So, I feel hopeless, because I don't think I will ever find a man who is Ok with a woman who- 1) might not be able to give him biological children 2) will be a handful during pregnancy and childbirth 3) will end up costing a lot ( therapy during pregnancy and elective c s-ection ) Is it idealistic to assume that a man who loves me, will accept me with my flaws? Or is my family right? Will I have to suck it up and deal with it if I want to find someone? Am I wrong to think that a man who blackmails me to get pregnant and give birth even if it will make me an emotional mess does not really love me? I'm sooooo sad. I feel like no one will love me ever. Edited July 2, 2011 by TooManyShoes
quankanne Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 don't over-think the issue. You know that you love children, you're open to adopting/fostering, you're open to loving a partner. Work with those and let things fall into place. yes, there are men who want children from their own loins, but it's been my experience that when you find a loving partner, the issue of blood relations isn't going to matter ... they're just happy to share their love. That's the kind of partner you'd want to start with ... honestly? I think you're way ahead of the game because you're aware of your weakness/fear – now you need to focus on your strengths (big heart) and run with that, kiddo!
Author TooManyShoes Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 don't over-think the issue. You know that you love children, you're open to adopting/fostering, you're open to loving a partner. Work with those and let things fall into place. yes, there are men who want children from their own loins, but it's been my experience that when you find a loving partner, the issue of blood relations isn't going to matter ... they're just happy to share their love. That's the kind of partner you'd want to start with ... honestly? I think you're way ahead of the game because you're aware of your weakness/fear – now you need to focus on your strengths (big heart) and run with that, kiddo! Thank you so much. I really needed to hear something positive about myself.
quankanne Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 there can never be enough people out there sharing their love with someone who needs it most, and I think any kid who finds you is gonna be one lucky brat seriously, though, I'm coming from the other end of the spectrum: in my 40s and never been pregnant, though not from lack of trying/desire to be preggo, it just never happened. Fortunately, my husband agrees with me that we've got enough love to share, and big ass families to share love with, so our needs are fulfilled and we're actually *happy* with how it's turned out, even though someone on the outside might think otherwise. God's gonna give you what you need to get through ... don't bash yourself for not being what you *think* you need to be
Author TooManyShoes Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 there can never be enough people out there sharing their love with someone who needs it most, and I think any kid who finds you is gonna be one lucky brat seriously, though, I'm coming from the other end of the spectrum: in my 40s and never been pregnant, though not from lack of trying/desire to be preggo, it just never happened. Fortunately, my husband agrees with me that we've got enough love to share, and big ass families to share love with, so our needs are fulfilled and we're actually *happy* with how it's turned out, even though someone on the outside might think otherwise. God's gonna give you what you need to get through ... don't bash yourself for not being what you *think* you need to be If I could, I'd hug you. You have no idea how much that means to me. I was tired of hearing people say what a liability mental health problems are and how no man wants a woman like me. The fact that all the men in my life so far have been jerks doesn't help. But reading your post helped a lot. Thanks:)
quankanne Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 consider it received, and one for you in return! mental health issues are only a liability if you allow them to be; a good many people learn to work around them and have rich lives, so don't let the naysayers force you into a life you know you don't HAVE to live. Do what comes naturally to you, and try to enjoy your life to the fullest – after all, the best revenge is living well .... BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA <insert evil grin> ... besides you know it'll drive them nuts to see you successful in your endeavors, not living down to their expectations, so what better reason to live as you see fit? Again, the little ones who find you in their lives are going to be reaping the biggest blessings, and that's the only thing you need to focus on, not the dumbasses!
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Have you considered therapy? My friends sister had similar outlook on pregnancy and guess what? She has TWO kids of her own. She did have a C-section, everything was planned to a T. With the help of counselling she was able to deal with the pregnancies.
Author TooManyShoes Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 Have you considered therapy? My friends sister had similar outlook on pregnancy and guess what? She has TWO kids of her own. She did have a C-section, everything was planned to a T. With the help of counselling she was able to deal with the pregnancies. I have had extensive therapy actually, but it doesn't seem to have worked:( But, thanks for telling me about your friend's sister. To be honest, having everything planned will definitely help, because I'll know what to expect. It is nice to know someone else had a similar problem and was able to get a c section, and have two babies( yay! ).
Author TooManyShoes Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 consider it received, and one for you in return! mental health issues are only a liability if you allow them to be; a good many people learn to work around them and have rich lives, so don't let the naysayers force you into a life you know you don't HAVE to live. Do what comes naturally to you, and try to enjoy your life to the fullest – after all, the best revenge is living well .... BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA <insert evil grin> ... besides you know it'll drive them nuts to see you successful in your endeavors, not living down to their expectations, so what better reason to live as you see fit? Again, the little ones who find you in their lives are going to be reaping the biggest blessings, and that's the only thing you need to focus on, not the dumbasses! You rock! And you are right. My friends are dumasses. ( can't call my family that, though sometimes they deserve it!). My problem is so unusual that people just dont get it. One person actually said- " Don't have children, you're too messed up. That poor baby." I have to ignore them.
quankanne Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 that last comment cracks me up ... and some of the people who crank out families *aren't* messed up? Sheesh! That person needs to go to a shelter or become a foster parent to see just what kind of shxt "a normal person" can do to their kids! you're right – just ignore the hurtful, though allegedly "well-meaning," comments from people. Only you know your heart, and it's entirely possible that somewhere down the line, your deep-seated fear will abate/resolve itself on its own because you're not so worried about it anymore. Meanwhile, just share the love ....
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