NickFrescia Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Ladies, I need your perspective on my situation. When a woman breaks up with you and in the heat of the moment says "Never contact me again. I am not interested. If you call me again, I will get upset" but then 4-5 weeks later begins fishing, what exactly does that mean? We had an intense short term relationship and right around the end of the "infatuation" period we had one argument that just turned into a break up. It was really a whirlwind romance and kind of ended before it began (2 months good, 1 month bad). Basically she was blowing, hot and cold, flip flopping. One month she tells me how serious she is about me and wanting me to never let her go, the next moment she is harshly telling me she is not interested and that she wants me to not have any hope. Coincidentally, the break up happened right as her ex-husband crept back in to her life. While they are finished forever, I think her struggle was always because her loyalties were divided. She had the age old problem (I really like this guy but he is not marriage/father material, i.e. she felt a connection to me but wanted a more stabilized man as I am still young and impetuous). She never really gave me a chance out of her fear of wanting to make the right decision. She over thought everything. This is a woman who is beautiful and used to her ex's hounding her. I respected her wishes and literally disappeared. Strict NC. She has sort of reached out in the form of organizing get-togethers with our co-workers to meet up every few months which I have ignored. Around the 5 month mark, I saw her at a restaurant and while we made eye contact, I simply walked away from her. My feelings are very mixed and I have never had a woman disrespect me the way my ex did. However we were good friends and even though my ex is very blunt in the way she expresses her emotions, she is a good woman. My ignoring her after she told me never to contact her...does that make me a coward or immature? My friend told me that if she really wanted to mend fences, that she would have run out of the restaurant after you and tried to talk or reached out in some other way aside from passive invitations from co-workers to come to a party. She has a huge ego and man-issues. The thing is I showered so much affection on her....and got very little in return...I know that has to have left a void in her. My question is, is she simply missing an ego boost of having me around as a love sick puppy or do you think she wants to mend fences but is too proud and perhaps doesn't know how to overcome the awkwardness? She burned so many bridges (she has a hot temper), that perhaps she is clueless about how to approach me? Did I do the right thing in ignoring her (it had been 5 months of NC)? To be honest, I wasn't looking to hurt her, I was simply unsure how she would take my approaching her. When a woman says never to contact her, as an adult, I take her at her word. I feel like I lost a good friendship over nothing and on top of it, because it was so short term...there was so much untapped potential. Definitely a case of what-if always running in my head (probably even more in her head) because we had a connection and chemistry that I have never felt in someone before. Edited July 2, 2011 by NickFrescia
wilsonx Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 she ended the friendship and the only thing that I know from what you told me that she doesnt want is you... what your friend told you is spot on and you should listen to him... if she really wanted you she would have chased you out of the restaurant
Author NickFrescia Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 she ended the friendship and the only thing that I know from what you told me that she doesnt want is you... what your friend told you is spot on and you should listen to him... if she really wanted you she would have chased you out of the restaurant This is what I am trying to tell myself because it makes getting over her so much easier. No second guessing NC.
EgoJoe Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Is she a girl or woman? This I've come to find out is a big factor. Women can still be crazy but girls....well...they can be outright stupid and guess what they still love you in some wicked crazy way. Who knew?
wilsonx Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Is she a girl or woman? This I've come to find out is a big factor. Women can still be crazy but girls....well...they can be outright stupid and guess what they still love you in some wicked crazy way. Who knew? This is so true
california15 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 by going strict NC and respecting her wishes you are doing the right thing. Speaking from experience when I told an ex once to please leave me alone and he didn't, he became super annoying super fast and all respect I had for him at the end of the relationship was dwindling away with each text and phone call I received. I wasn't trying to play games with him. I really seriously did not want him to talk to me anymore. And unless your ex-girl is playing some sick mind games, then this is what "give me space" means. Can you expand on the fishing 4-5 weeks later? I think she may have had an ego blow when she realized you weren't going to chase her, so she began fishing to see if you were still there or still around or if she still illicited feelings from you. Its kinda like you want to move on but don't want your ex to move on and when they do you think "wait no. He's supposed to still like me and be sad over me. His moving on isn't supposed to happen" (not that I personally think like that, I'm just saying in general) From a woman's perspective, I would respect you so much for maintaining NC after I asked for space. In doing so it not only shows you respect me, but you respect yourself as well.
bikinibeach Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 you are in the same place as i was in my last relationship, except i was the one who broke up with him. as YOU should have. based on her behavior. think of it this way, even if you did get back together, she would never really respect you for being with someone who disrespects you (her) AND for showing her that there are no consequences to her actions (ie:she can treat you like **** but you'll come back eventually). you should be glad she is now her ex h's problem and not yours. although, i do know that it is hard. this website helped me alot, probably youtoo : baggagereclaim.com also you don't have pm yet, email me if you want to chat! sounds like we might be able to relate in many ways. my email is the bolded letters below (don't want spammers picking it up ha) hdbq27h9bo5tATpwlivexlmdotcom
Author NickFrescia Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 by going strict NC and respecting her wishes you are doing the right thing. Speaking from experience when I told an ex once to please leave me alone and he didn't, he became super annoying super fast and all respect I had for him at the end of the relationship was dwindling away with each text and phone call I received. I wasn't trying to play games with him. I really seriously did not want him to talk to me anymore. And unless your ex-girl is playing some sick mind games, then this is what "give me space" means. Can you expand on the fishing 4-5 weeks later? I think she may have had an ego blow when she realized you weren't going to chase her, so she began fishing to see if you were still there or still around or if she still illicited feelings from you. Its kinda like you want to move on but don't want your ex to move on and when they do you think "wait no. He's supposed to still like me and be sad over me. His moving on isn't supposed to happen" (not that I personally think like that, I'm just saying in general) From a woman's perspective, I would respect you so much for maintaining NC after I asked for space. In doing so it not only shows you respect me, but you respect yourself as well. Thanks for your reply california15, I figured most normal people would think like you but the woman I am with was speaking out of bitterness and vindictiveness. She was really angry at me and shot off her mouth. This is a 30 year old divorcee mind you, hardly a child. Well...we used to be co-workers (she was my boss technically) and I quit the job which really irritated her (even though I found a replacement). It's like she didn't want to be with me but wanted me around. Up till the end she kept saying how confused she was, and then a week later she acted like she never liked me much and totally trivialized our relationship. Like I said, she had some serious emotional baggage. Anyway every few months my co-workers would throw a party to hang out and catch up. She passed out my phone number to one of the co-workers to contact me (2 months after the breakup), and then last month when she was quitting, we had another reunion party that I was invited to. I think my ex has a huge ego and is very much trying to convince herself that she is an independent woman who doesn't need anyone. She treated me like garbage while I showered her with affection (classic mistake on my part) and so by the time these invites to the parties came around, I really was not interested in seeing her. Prior to the relationship we were friends (she doesn't have many friends and so got quite close to me) and so the way things ended feels very unfinished. She has a very explosive temper and is quite harsh with her words so I suspect that she has really painted herself into a corner by telling me never to contact her. I say this because when I saw her randomly 5 months into NC at a restaurant, the way she looked at me was a mixture of surprise and anger. As if to say, "how dare you ignore me". There wasn't a look of indifference on her face, that much was clear. The breakup happened so quickly and under such weird circumstances, that 5 months later it feels unfinished. She was so wonderful in the beginning but towards the end was extremely harsh and disrespectful (she'd humiliate me in front of our coworkers by making me look incompetent (!)). It's like all of the good things I liked about her was wiped away and I'm neutral now. Anyway I guess because so much time has elapsed, the gulf between us is so great, that it seems like mending fences would be very difficult. I am wondering if I should have gone to one of these parties and atleast opened up a line of communication with her to let bygones be bygones. She is a good woman but quite unstable.
Author NickFrescia Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 you are in the same place as i was in my last relationship, except i was the one who broke up with him. as YOU should have. based on her behavior. think of it this way, even if you did get back together, she would never really respect you for being with someone who disrespects you (her) AND for showing her that there are no consequences to her actions (ie:she can treat you like **** but you'll come back eventually). you should be glad she is now her ex h's problem and not yours. although, i do know that it is hard. this website helped me alot, probably youtoo : baggagereclaim.com also you don't have pm yet, email me if you want to chat! sounds like we might be able to relate in many ways. my email is the bolded letters below (don't want spammers picking it up ha) hdbq27h9bo5tATpwlivexlmdotcom Really good advice from you. I suspect more and more she is BPD and treats men rather poorly in general by the way she speaks about her ex's. I'm glad you got out once you picked up on the red flags....I was so oblivious to everything. I feel really foolish now looking back how I let someone treat me so poorly. P.S. I would be down to chat, thanks
thelovingkind Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Underneath all the surface problems you describe this sounds like a fairly common story of infatuation gone sour. Intense, rapturous love affair in the opening 3 months followed by rapid burnout and complete disinterest on the other person's part. This is typically not the result of "overthinking" but rather the brain's production of dopamine, norepinephrine and phenylethylamine (that produce the tingly, exciting pleasure of new love) shutting down through a process called trachyphylaxis (a decrease in response to chemicals due to accumulated exposure to them). As a general rule, pretty much no feelings that occur during the first three months of a relationship can be assumed to have anything to do with reality. Asking someone at this stage how they really feel about their partner is not inordinately different to asking someone at a party who's rolling on ecstasy and feverishly running his hands up and down people he's never met whether or not he feels a connection with them.
Forever Learning Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 the chemical insight 'the loving kind' just gave was so neat. thanks for that. sure enough the first 3 months in love are just us getting high within our own brain, nothing close to reality, we're just temporary drug addicts. helps it all make sense during that honeymoon phase why we act so 'dopey'. we're on dope that's why.
Recommended Posts