Should I even date....

[confab_1]

My story is somewhat complicated and certain elements of my life make the prospect of dating more difficult than for the average person. Right off the bat, I should clarify that by dating I don't mean the standard fare...I'm interested in meeting women to take scenic drives, visit local markets, doing simple things together.

 

The main complicating factor for me is that I have a type of arthritis that now makes even mile long walks very difficult. Previously I was athletic and participated in a wide variety of outdoor activities and sports. Now my life is much different. However, if we're just taking a drive, watching a movie, visiting a museum, I can normally cover up any sense of impairment. My basic M.O., at least when initially getting to know someone, has been to hide the pain, not mention arthritis, and present myself as a productive member of society. Only later after revealing more about my life would I open up about the fact that I have some health issues, live with my parents, unable to work full time, and am doing my level best to overcome the obstacles in my life. While I'm working on improving my condition, I still have a desire to meet women, engage socially, even romantically, and yet I feel guilty about being dishonest and somewhat nervous that they'll suspect I'm being less than truthful. For example, when someone asks me if I live with roommates, I say I rent a house with two roommates, or tell them I'm working two part time jobs, when in fact I work little at those jobs, which are basically as independent contractors. I do look pretty normal, and I doubt anyone would suspect I have chronic pain unless they ask me to lift a box or see me take a longer walk, or spent 24 hours with me.

 

I've thought about being completely honest in my dating profile online, but believe this would turn off almost all women, and it would be exposing information that is too personal to put out there publicly.

 

How do you feel is the best way to approach this with women. Should I tell them right off the bat? Stop dating until such time that I'm physically healthy (if that ever happens), working a full time job, etc.? Or do you think the way I've handled this up to now is acceptable?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

[LSChic]

canfab, your post made me very, very, sad.

 

There are thousands, if not millions of disabled people out there who have wonderful romantic lives and partners. You should never let your disability get in the way of socializing and meeting new women. Sure, some women just won't get it. Some will be turned off. But, you need to get past your ego and be a little braver. There are so many women out there who won't even care about your disability. Believe me, I know.

 

I have a severe neuro-psychiatric disorder. Like you, I look normal to everyone around me until I have a panic attack or dissociate or have trouble standing/walking. This summer, I'm taking the leap and getting a service dog to help me with a lot of the things I can't do on my own (I would strongly suggest looking into getting one if you like animals). That will make my disability very visible, even though I know I could hide it if I wanted. I'm doing this because the dog will make me more functional and more able to meet people, and the people who don't want to meet me? Screw 'um.

 

The women who are worth dating, won't care about your chronic pain or the situations that come with having a disability (not being able to work as much, etc.). They'll like you for who you are and will look past the other stuff. Believe me, they do exist.

 

It's probably harder to be a woman with a disability than a man since men tend to care more about the superficial stuff and women tend to see men through emotional eyes. Either way though, while dating may be more of a struggle for people like us canfab, we have to keep at it because it's a wonderful way of meeting people and experiencing new things and it keeps us happy.

 

As far as disclosure of your disability, I wouldn't put it on your dating profile for everyone to see. Your medical history is for you to share with the people you care about (or see yourself caring about in the future). You should reveal your disability to women at an early stage in the game, but not so early that they don't even know your name yet. Make sure you get enough "get to know you" time with a woman before you tell her about your disability so that it doesn't define you in her eyes.

 

Since I found out about being matched with my service dog, I've revealed my disability to two men that I was thinking of dating and both took it very well. I told them I was in treatment, on medication, and just needed some extra help. Both of these men were kind and understanding and still wanted to go out with me. While there are men who would probably scoff at me and walk away, it turns out that I chose right. Or just got lucky.

 

Anyway, the most important thing to do is to bounce back from rejection. Don't take it too hard when a woman doesn't like your situation. Instead, tell yourself there are 4 billion other females out there for you to meet and a whole bunch of them are nicer than her. You seem like a nice, honest, respectful guy and a whole lot of women appreciate that.

 

If you ever need to talk to someone who is going through something similar to you, feel free to email me. My email is [email protected].

[SnowandStars]

Start dating now if that is what you want! I'm not sure how old you are so I cannot comment on how much the lack of full-time work or living with parents will affect your chances. I think you should also focus on meeting women IRL because from what I've seen, online dating is the most superficial dating environment out there.

[PhillyDude]

My story is somewhat complicated and certain elements of my life make the prospect of dating more difficult than for the average person. Right off the bat, I should clarify that by dating I don't mean the standard fare...I'm interested in meeting women to take scenic drives, visit local markets, doing simple things together.

 

The main complicating factor for me is that I have a type of arthritis that now makes even mile long walks very difficult. Previously I was athletic and participated in a wide variety of outdoor activities and sports. Now my life is much different. However, if we're just taking a drive, watching a movie, visiting a museum, I can normally cover up any sense of impairment. My basic M.O., at least when initially getting to know someone, has been to hide the pain, not mention arthritis, and present myself as a productive member of society. Only later after revealing more about my life would I open up about the fact that I have some health issues, live with my parents, unable to work full time, and am doing my level best to overcome the obstacles in my life. While I'm working on improving my condition, I still have a desire to meet women, engage socially, even romantically, and yet I feel guilty about being dishonest and somewhat nervous that they'll suspect I'm being less than truthful. For example, when someone asks me if I live with roommates, I say I rent a house with two roommates, or tell them I'm working two part time jobs, when in fact I work little at those jobs, which are basically as independent contractors. I do look pretty normal, and I doubt anyone would suspect I have chronic pain unless they ask me to lift a box or see me take a longer walk, or spent 24 hours with me.

 

I've thought about being completely honest in my dating profile online, but believe this would turn off almost all women, and it would be exposing information that is too personal to put out there publicly.

 

How do you feel is the best way to approach this with women. Should I tell them right off the bat? Stop dating until such time that I'm physically healthy (if that ever happens), working a full time job, etc.? Or do you think the way I've handled this up to now is acceptable?

 

 

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

 

 

I found out I had arthritis last year and was then was introduced to Fish oil. Since last July I have had no problems and was able to be mobile especially on dates and have npt experienced any pain. My recommendation Triple Fish Oil and take 4 pills a day and you see the difference in 3 days. Also there are disabled dating sites for people in your situation.

[sm1tten]

I would not stop dating, nor would I disclose such personal information on a public site.

 

I would not be blatantly dishonest, though... saying you have two roommates when you live with your parents is a rather big lie, whereas saying that you work two jobs but not saying how little you work at them is more of an omission which you can explain further when you disclose your condition. I honestly don't know how to get around the living with parents thing, which some women may view as a red flag, though.

 

Be confident, never apologetic, for being who you are, and keep living the fullest life that you can. Best of luck to you.

[confab_1]

Thank you all for the helpful advice. I appreciate the input very much.