BeavisMom62 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Hi all! I'm new here. Just wanted to introduce myself and my "problem". I am currently ending my second marriage. My STBX has been unemployed for 3 years and prior to that was always in and out of jobs, underemployed you might say. He had one good job for three years out of the ten years that we've been married. Oh, and he is also a drug addict and alcoholic. He is also very immature. Me, I am his mother figure and enabler. Ive supported him for so long and just want out. He makes no effort to deal with his addictions or unemployment. He sits home, drinking beer, watching TV all day while I work in a doctor's office (or doing transcription at home) 50 hours a week. Things have just been coming to a head for the past year and I can't take it anymore. So I decided its time to get out, straighten out my life and my finances and move on. I'm almost 50 years old and because of supporting him all of this time, I dont have a dime in the bank and nothing saved for retirement. I'm worried. We bought our home with my GI loan and I'm going to lose it. I recently filed for bankruptcy to protect myself. I also found a home to rent and I'll be moving out at the end of the month. Meanwhile, he sits here and either has temper tantrums or whines and cries and complains like a baby. Everything is in my name. So, I transferred his car title over to him (which he lost and blames me for never giving it to him!). But he can't register the car because he has no driver's license, no money. It needs major repairs which he can't pay for and I can't afford. So it sits, rusting in our driveway. He has no job, no money, no car, no friends, no family, no place to go. I feel bad though. Am I a b*tch for leaving him like that? I'll be taking the electric, phone and water with me to my new house. So, he'll be sitting in a house, soon to be foreclosed on, with nothing. We also have four dogs which are our children. Two are his, two are mine. One of his, as much as I love him, I don't want. He's a huge, furry, aging shepherd. Selfishly I don't want to take him because of his hair and because of his age and size I see big vet bills down the road. I'd love to live in a clean house for a change. Since he's home 24/7 I believe that the house should be spotless, right? I refuse to clean because I shouldn't have to. So, he'll do laundry, wipe counters, do dishes. But the floors are filthy. There are so many cobwebs it looks like the Adams family lives here. There are bugs and spiders everywhere, not to mention all of the dog hair. Even though it is HIS dog, he refuses to groom him because he has ALLERGIES. Well, I have a bad back and it kills me to groom the dog. I still do on occasion, but not often enough.
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 I've offered to take one of his two dogs, because that dog is the best friend of one of my dogs. They are inseparable. It is going to kill them to be apart, but STBX thinks that not only can he keep the big shepherd, but can keep this dog as well. Yeah, I understand it is his heart speaking, but he's not using his head. It would be easier on me with only two instead of three dogs, but I figure I'm doing him a favor by leaving him with only one dog to care for. He doesn't see it that way. Also, we are both smokers, but he refuses to smoke outside. So, since he smokes in the house, so do I. I mean, what difference would it make if I smoked outside but he continues to smoke inside. So you can imagine the state of cleanliness in my house, right? Dog hair, dust, cobwebs, cigarette smoke. Oh, yeah also broken beer bottles, spilled beer on the floor which of course attracts all sorts of dirt. Its filthy! But I shouldn't have to clean since he's home all day and I sure shouldn't have to clean up after HIM! Or his dog. I can't wait to move into my new house where there will be peace and quiet, no fighting, no listening to him talk and talk and talk and whine and cry and scream and throw things. No smoking in the house. Not even any TV! Which is fine with me. I prefer to listen to music but he's got the TV on 24/7, even at night while I'm trying to sleep. I crave silence and solitude. This feels like the longest month of my life waiting to move out. It seems like everything he does, even breathing is bothering me now. He doesn't want me to go, of course. I believe he loves me, but how can I be sure when he needs a gravy train, an enabler, a supporter, a mother. I still can't help but feel guilty for being ABLE to move on with my life and he really can't even if he wants to because of the position he's allowed himself to be in. I also feel bad about separating the dogs. I feel bad for leaving any dogs with him because they deserve the care that he will not be able to provide. I am weighed down with so much guilt that I almost feel as if I shouldn't leave. It won't stop me, but it doesn't do my conscience any good. And how will I handle it when the inevitable phone calls come? He needs beer, cigarettes, food, things for the dogs......How can I just say no with a hard heart? Oh, I wish I was a cold hearted b*tch like my sister and so many friends, then it wouldn't bother me. I am so happy and excited on one hand because I'll be free and alone and starting a new life. But there is the guilty/moral part of me that worries about him.
northstarr Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Hi, I may not be of much use but I just want to say that I feel your pain. I feel like I have been put through the ringer and have every reason to have a better life, a new life, but feel the guilt of moving on. I too wish I could be a heartless bitch and not look back. I guess we women just like to be martyrs. I'll let you know how my departure turns out. I have an aunt on my in-laws side that had been thru hell and back with her exhusband for 22 years and STILL felt guilt at leaving him! It wasn't until her oldest child (who lived thru all of it) reassured that it was time to stop the madness, did she finally move on! Women are martyrs and nurturers! There are times when that can be our downfall or worse yet, put us in danger!!
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 Hi, I may not be of much use but I just want to say that I feel your pain. I feel like I have been put through the ringer and have every reason to have a better life, a new life, but feel the guilt of moving on. I too wish I could be a heartless bitch and not look back. I guess we women just like to be martyrs. I'll let you know how my departure turns out. I have an aunt on my in-laws side that had been thru hell and back with her exhusband for 22 years and STILL felt guilt at leaving him! It wasn't until her oldest child (who lived thru all of it) reassured that it was time to stop the madness, did she finally move on! Women are martyrs and nurturers! There are times when that can be our downfall or worse yet, put us in danger!! THanks northstarr. You are right about us being martyrs. And it really isn't a good thing, but it is our nature. But I feel so stupid when I talk to other women about this who are so much more hardhearted than I am. They want me to punish him. They laugh at him. And laugh at me for caring. They all know what he has put me through (I talk too much) and think he doesn't deserve my pity. Now some of the things he HAS put me through are the things that keep me on this track of moving out. Starting years ago, he's stolen checks from MY checking account (he's never had one) and forged them for drugs. He's canceled our mortgage payment once and got ahold of that money for drugs. More recently, again he's stolen more checks and forged them. (Im more careful with my checks now, believe me!). He's stolen and pawned my wedding rings for drugs. I believe he arranged a robbery at our house, where only MY stuff was stolen. He may have been having an affair with a neighbor across the street. I'm not real sure of that, but I checked our phone records and for TWO months he and she texted each other ALL day, seriously for 8-10 hours at a time! And even after I found out about it, they continued to contact each other up until a few weeks ago. Since I'm not home all day and he is, who knows what else they've done? It is very convenient. A few times he would go to a friend's house and then say that his friend couldn't drive him home because they drank too much and he wouldn't come home all night. And I know for a fact that he's spent the night at that neighbor's house, but he SAYS that he, again, partied with her son's or husband or something and passed out on the couch. Yeah, like he couldn't walk across the street and come home? He totally denies an affair and even though he's done some really bad things to me, I can't see him doing it. But the proof is there. So, I don't know. I have been heartless to a degree. I mean, I shut off his cell phone. I don't think I should be paying for a phone for him to use to call his slut. Actually, I shouldn't have to pay for a phone for him at all! As I said, since I transferred the title to his car, even if it was running, he can't drive it because it has no plate on it. I did contact his family once. I didn't say that he was unemployed or on drugs (they think he is working, has a running car - his grandmother gave him money earlier this year to buy a new car, but part of it was spent on our mortgage and of course part of it went to drugs). I just said that he is a liar, which everyone knows, he's a pro, and that for financial reasons and his dishonesty, I have to leave. So, his family, rather than be supportive to him, basically disowned him and don't talk to him anymore. So, he says I've stolen his family from him. Not my intent. I wanted to give them a heads up and to let them know that he'll be alone and need their love and support. But they are very cold people. And probably tired of giving him money all the time. So, he has no phone, no car, no family, no job, no money, no place to go. How could I NOT feel bad? Even though its not my fault. So see, my friends know all of this stuff, which makes them mad for me. And they do not understand my guilt. I dont want to hurt him, I dont want this to be harder than it has to be. I do care for him, but I mostly feel sorry for him. I definitely don't love him anymore. I just can't wait to move and want it to be as smooth and painless as possible. I dont think that is wrong. So, yeah, I guess you're right. Martyr is definitely a good word. I wish you the best as well. Do you have plans to move or are just considering it? I hope you are able to. Even though this is a hard month and getting harder every day, at least I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and a nice, peaceful house and a new life waiting for me. I hope you can have that too.
buster2209 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Am I a b*tch for leaving him like that? Jeez no. You are actually quite awesome because you put up with a loser like this for so long. You deserve better and you know that. Stop feeling guilty as you have nothing to feel guilty about. He clearly wants a mother and not a partner and you need somebody who treats you how you should be deserved which is the awesome person you are. Now go do something that makes you feel good. Lord knows you deserve it!
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 Ha, ha! Thanks, buster. Sometimes I think that I KNOW I'm not being a bitch, only looking for confirmation. Then other times, I really think I AM. I mean, I can't help but feel sorry for him, so I guess that is the reason. Well, that and he tells me I'm a b*tch (among other things). That I am wrecking his life, that I have taken everything away, that I've ruined things, that he might as well be dead. In my head I know that isn't true. I've tried and tried. But he really is such a child and I don't know what he will do without me. But its time to think of me and I can't wait to start my new life. I love my new house, I can't wait to get out of here. Its going to be wonderful to not have to hide my wallet and valuables. Especially my medications. I have chronic back pain, so I have pain pills, which of course as an addict, drives him crazy! He's stolen them, so I have to hide them in different places every day so he can't find them. Or else he begs and begs until I give in. He won't stop. Just that right there is going to be a big relief not to have to go through anymore! I keep telling him, the doc gives me enough for a month at a time, I do NOT have extras. BUt addicts dont think of anyone but themselves, I know.
buster2209 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Good for you! It takes balls to do what you have done and you clearly have grapefruit sized ones! What I would do now though is to confide in a good friend of yours because when you have a bad day and want to see how your ex-loser is doing, you need to ring your friend so they can slap some sense into you. After all, what's the point in havin' friends if you can't lean on them once in a while? Anyways, chin up, you have done the hardest part but you have to ensure you don't fall back into old habits. Your stronger than you think and your life will be good because of it.
soserious1 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) A judge might see things very differently than you do & just might decide that you won't be allowed to walk away from a long term marriage, leaving an unemployed, disabled man at risk of becoming a burden on the taxpayers .You might be court ordered to pay him alimony. As far as the filthy living conditions in your home, all I can say is SHAME ON YOU! You'd sit there wallowing in utter filth simply because you worked and he doesn't? Edited July 4, 2011 by soserious1
coolheadal Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Why did you married this second husband? There must have been something you had seen in him? Why do women have to kill off the marriage if the spouse has lost their job? He sounds depress. You sound like you're ready for husband number three. Never going to find the right man this way. Need to help the one you have. When last have you taken him out for a quiet walk through the park or woods. Do things together. Rent some bikes and take a ride around. You should ask him if you were unemployed would he still take care of you or would he just ran out and left you with a rusted car in the driveway to take care with no DL to use it.
UntoldStory Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 You don't deserve to feel guilty. You deserve to be happy. Try to remember, if you were advising one of your friends who was in your situation, what would you say to her? I would, however, recommend that you read "Women Who Love Too Much." Just a little eye-opener to ensure you steer clear of similar situations in the future. Best of luck.
Clubman35 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Um, I kinda see what coolheadal is saying. He may very well be depressed. Has he always had these addictions? if so, why did you marry him in the first place? You deserve to be happy, no doubt about that, but maybe try to fix the problem you have instead of moving on to another one. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, because I don't mean it to. All the best.
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Good for you! It takes balls to do what you have done and you clearly have grapefruit sized ones! What I would do now though is to confide in a good friend of yours because when you have a bad day and want to see how your ex-loser is doing, you need to ring your friend so they can slap some sense into you. After all, what's the point in havin' friends if you can't lean on them once in a while? Anyways, chin up, you have done the hardest part but you have to ensure you don't fall back into old habits. Your stronger than you think and your life will be good because of it. Thanks,Buster. I needed that. The hard part is going to be if he calls or shows up and says the dogs are starving or something like that. Then, he'll use the money for drugs.
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 A judge might see things very differently than you do & just might decide that you won't be allowed to walk away from a long term marriage, leaving an unemployed, disabled man at risk of becoming a burden on the taxpayers .You might be court ordered to pay him alimony. As far as the filthy living conditions in your home, all I can say is SHAME ON YOU! You'd sit there wallowing in utter filth simply because you worked and he doesn't? Yeah, I'm afraid of possible alimony. But I've checked with lawyers and they say that I'd only have to worry about it if he wasn't able to work.. He's able. He is not disabled. He worked for many years with his drug addiction before I found out about it. He'd just rather be taken care of like a child instead of step up to the plate like a man. LOL. I wouldn't say utter filth! It is just not up to my standards. And why should I clean the house when he sits in front of the TV 24/7 with his beer, when I work 50+ hours per week? Shouldn't he be doing something? Like groom his own dog? Oh yeah, he does laundry. Because HE needs clean clothes too.
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Why did you married this second husband? There must have been something you had seen in him? Why do women have to kill off the marriage if the spouse has lost their job? He sounds depress. You sound like you're ready for husband number three. Never going to find the right man this way. Need to help the one you have. When last have you taken him out for a quiet walk through the park or woods. Do things together. Rent some bikes and take a ride around. You should ask him if you were unemployed would he still take care of you or would he just ran out and left you with a rusted car in the driveway to take care with no DL to use it. I saw only what he wanted me to see. He's a salesman and he sold himself to me. Its not only because he lost his job. Its because he refuses to look for one, because he is a drug addict, because he has stolen from me (he pawned my WEDDING RINGS for drugs!) and my family, because every word out of his mouth is a lie (addiction does that). Sure he's depressed. His gravy train is pulling out of the station and he's not on it! "Ready for husband #3??", "Never find a man this way"?? Who said I wanted one? Dear lord! Not again.
oldguy Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Good rant, it sounds like this has been coming for a long time. If he is a substance abuser the best thing you can do for yourself & possibly him is to stop enabling him. Yes you will feel guilty, that's the curse of being an enabler. What happened to ex number uno?
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Um, I kinda see what coolheadal is saying. He may very well be depressed. Has he always had these addictions? if so, why did you marry him in the first place? You deserve to be happy, no doubt about that, but maybe try to fix the problem you have instead of moving on to another one. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, because I don't mean it to. All the best. I married him because he fooled me. He pretended to be someone he is not. Apparently he has always had addictions, but if you know anything about addicts, they are great about hiding them....until they can't hide them anymore. I've tried to help him. For many years. He wants to go to one of those fancy, expensive, 90 day treatment centers. Otherwise he refuses. My insurance doesn't pay for it and we can't afford it. He refuses to go to AA or NA because that is where the "losers" are! I've offered to go with him. I've found online support groups. He refuses. Not sure how much more I could have done for someone who doesn't want help. His relatives have money, but he's worried that they will be "disappointed" in him, so he refuses to ask for their help, so they have no idea what's going on with him. Only me because I live with him and see it every day. And my parents know because he's stolen from them too. You don't sound harsh. You aren't saying anything that I haven't said myself. I just don't know what more I can do but move on. Maybe this is the "bottom" that he needs to finally get help.
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 Good rant, it sounds like this has been coming for a long time. If he is a substance abuser the best thing you can do for yourself & possibly him is to stop enabling him. Yes you will feel guilty, that's the curse of being an enabler. What happened to ex number uno? I sound like a two time loser, huh? #1 was also an addict (do I see a trend here?) but he beat the crap out of me for ten years. Broken bones in my face, I was punched, slapped, kicked, thrown, burned, etc. Oh yeah and he cheated on me. Ten years of #1 and then ten years of #2 was quite enough. I'd like ten years (at least!) for me!
oldguy Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) Not at all. #1 was also an addict (do I see a trend here?) but he beat the crap out of me for ten years. Broken bones in my face, I was punched, slapped, kicked, thrown, burned, etc. Oh yeah and he cheated on me. Ten years of #1 and then ten years of #2 was quite enough. I'd like ten years (at least!) for me! So #2 was a step up from #1 Yes, there usually is a pattern & thats exactly why I asked about #1. Was mom, dad or both substance abusers while you where growing up? If so you may want to get some help before entering into another committed relationship or at the very least listen to the advice of friends first. What your doing is very common, I was raised in an alcoholic family & tend to avoid women who drink to access. However, I otherwise seem to be an alcoholic magnet in my choices of friends. And I became, among other specialties, a substance abuse counselor Edited July 5, 2011 by oldguy
Author BeavisMom62 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 No, old guy. No addicts in my family. That I know of. Although I hear stories of older relatives whom I've never met. So even though my parents weren't addicts, there is that inherited thing I suppose. That, and while I like to "party", I am not an addict. But it seems that guys think if I enjoy partying, its only a small step to enjoying being around an addict! I dont know. So I suppose you could say #2 was a step up, but only a little. One step forward two steps back and all that. I stopped after work yesterday to "visit" my house. I didn't want to leave! Even though there isn't a stick of furniture in that house, its MINE. Quiet and peaceful. Oh, speaking of quiet and peaceful, my son and daughter in law want to move in with me! Geez! Makes me feel horrible, but it aint gonna happen. I think they are living beyond their means and are looking for cheaper lodgings. I plan to use my garage for MY car, washer, dryer and as a smoking room. They have 4 or 5 vehicles between them. No place to park anything. They have a cat, I have three dogs, two of which don't like cats. I want peace, music, no TV. DIL watches TV alot and son likes loud "Boom Boom" music. Thankfully both of them have jobs, so they wouldn't be freeloaders, but I do'nt even want to take the CHANCE of having to support someone again. God, I don't want to hurt their feelings or anything. I told my son when he asked that I need some alone time. He says "well our lease is up in November. That's enough time, right?". LOL.
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