calndn Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I posted this in Coping too but this forum seems more active and I just need someone to cheer me up/tell me its going to be ok... its been 8 months now since my ex split with me, however I still remain with the belief that its really 3 months since we stopped meeting up etc when he was a complete and utter bastard to me. He was once the loveliest man id ever met, couldnt do enough for me but then he totally changed, left me, after moving 200 miles for me. Ill never understand why but its ok, im feeling hugely better. Especially a few weeks ago when i bumped into him for the first time for a long time and felt good, he didnt look great so there was no 'omg hes so hot' feeling that ive had in the past. One thing that drives me mad though is that I still have bad moments/days (on rare occasions) but today is one of them, as was Wednesday, I thought I was over bad days like this but it seems not. I found myself looking at photos of him and started thinking again that i didnt appreciate him enough when we first started dating etc The real question here is that im asking in a long way is that...when we first dated i wasnt really THAT into him i liked him a lot sure...but I always thought it was never going to be forever, didnt think i fancied him enough, actually didnt think he was amazing looking (good looking yes but not amazing, just ok). I did love him in the end but as soon as i started properly falling in love with him that was when he started to pull away or become less attentive. Now that we arent together...I for some reason still think hes like the best looking guy, never going to meet somone better looking or better than him (before he turneed into a twat anyway). How can I get those feelings back when I was with him of the feeling that I thought I always could do better looks wise....that yes I thought he was nice looking but not the way I think now. What gets me is that when I saw him a few weeks ago in the pub I DIDNT think he was amazing, nor when I drove past him a few days later....but now a few weeks later im back to the 'god hes amazing' im putting him on a pedestal (looks wise) and yes in a way in general too....there is no denying he was an absolute b****d in the end and im perfectly aware of that but he was lovely at the beginning and i just feel im never going to find that again. Im having a bad day xxx
Kilty Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Of course you will. What you are experiencing is the same as what everyone else does after a break up. It's called wanting what you cant have syndrome I struggled with it too. It does take a while until your thoughts stop being ruled by your emotions but it eventually gets better. This is not because you are in love with this guy it's simply you missing the companionship and struggling to adjust to being without something that you got used too. In fact you are doing better than you think. You admit that you are not putting him on a pedestal all of the time and there are large gaps between good and bad days which is a major move forward. Also everyone's ego takes a beating after the failure of a relationship no matter who's fault it was - which leads to insecurity and loneliness. But you really are not insecure or lonely - its just your mind playing tricks on you because it doesnt like change. It thinks that the easy option is to get back with your ex and all the problems that brought the relationship to an end are not there (complete fantasy) It thinks that finding someone else, going through the whole early stages of a new relationship, getting to know someone and be comfortable with them is far too much like hard work. (also fantasy) So its just trying to trick you and it does that by whizzing up your emotions. Thats why nearly all the advice out there agree on one thing which is keep yourself busy and try and exercise etc - so you dont let your mind wander. But as i said you are a bit further past this as you can see this guys faults Youll be fine
Geya Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Candl that's exactly how I feel sometimes! When I was with him I wasn't impressed by his looks, after breaking ip I feel like "there's something about him" I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way, the positive side of this for me was that I now no longer place a huge importance on looks, because I know eventually that if I fell for them I'll love the way they look, so that kinda lets me go out and meet new people more.. Everyone is beautiful in their own way And yes what you're experiencing is normal, I know we'll get past this, they're really not that hot it's just our minds playing games with us like kilty said lol
Author calndn Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 It thinks that the easy option is to get back with your ex and all the problems that brought the relationship to an end are not there (complete fantasy) It thinks that finding someone else, going through the whole early stages of a new relationship, getting to know someone and be comfortable with them is far too much like hard work. (also fantasy) I laughed when I read this because that pretty much is my attitude towards it all...especially the last bit! I know I have come far, so far compared to where I was and your right its my emotions getting in the way I just wish I could believe that I will meet someone else you know? Just feel I never will. Geya.....Yep! I too think, gosh actually he really was good looking and when I fell in love with him I did love the way he looked and I never thought about the way he looked but for the first 8 months of our relationship I did! I know looks arent that important but for me i have to fancy them..!! I do hope we get past it! I truly believe its my mind playing tricks as some days ill be fine...like when I saw him a few weeks ago! xx
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