nyrias Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 right, and I didn't stay either. I was just saying that it makes it more difficult and expensive to leave a cheater at that point. Sure. Everything, including leaving a cheater, has a cost. Thus, not everyone does so, even if the relationship cannot be repaired.
2sunny Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 right, and I didn't stay either. I was just saying that it makes it more difficult and expensive to leave a cheater at that point. you bet it's expensive - and life changing! it's worth it when i feel i deserve respect and a man who will honor me - money and things are beside the point at that juncture. to the OP - show only loving words and behavior. that is how you can show him your love and compassion. think of him and participate in the marriage by being good and kind to him. hopefully, he will be capable of returning the same to you as you grow the trust level between you two.
Memphis Raines Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Sure. Everything, including leaving a cheater, has a cost. Thus, not everyone does so, even if the relationship cannot be repaired. no cost leaving a cheater when there is nothing to tie you to them and no assets accumulated with them. that was the point. that choice was taken away from me, and alot of people in this forum.
drifter777 Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 I have apoligized and continue to apologize. I have committed myself 150% to working on our marriage and building trust. We have both made sure to make time for each other (something we were severely lacking). I am looking within myself to see my flaws and faults and try to be a better person and then a better wife. He is really hurt, and I don't blame him. I was awful in how I acted. He went over the scenario from back then last night, and it really made me feel awful (as I should). At the time, he was doing everything he could to try and help me out of my depression. He tried to get me to spend time with him, he tried to make me happy and I pushed him away. I didn't want to have sex with him or even let him touch me. At the time it disgusted me. So I wouldn't have sex with him or even want him to touch me, and then I went and sought those two things out from other men. His feeling of inadequacy as a result are completely due to my selfishness and horrible actions. What can I say or do to make that up to him? After everything I've read about your situation I'm afraid that your marriage may be doomed. I copied this from an article regarding healing after infidelity: Anger in of itself can be dealt with. Like a summer storm it can be fierce but after it passes things are able for the most part to return to normal. Contempt after infidelity has the capacity to just linger. Every time you look at your spouse you see someone who is beneath you. Not only does their cheating make you sick to your stomach but the actual person as well. Whatever they say or do triggers this emotion. Even when they are not in your presence the very thought of your significant other fills you with disgust. It sounds as though your husband may have reached the stage of contempt for you, and that probably means the two of you are through. One thing you might consider is to propose a separation to him. If he thinks it's a good idea than you probably don't have much chance of reconciliation. If he doesn't want to separate then you need to accept that it is going to take a long time for this to heal and you can't make it go faster just because you want it to.
mopar crazy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I haven't read all replies so if I repeat, I apologize. My H had an A 8 years ago. At the time, him and the former OW lied to me about their R. Both said they were just friends. I knew differently when her H came to the door and showed me proof. Two months after we seperated and in the process of D he called me and told me the truth, they did have an A. I asked him why he was telling me this, he said he wanted to R. We did. To make a long story short I can honestly say I don't know if my H told me every single detail of their A. He admitted they had sex. I had all sorts of questions for him. Yes, they hurt, but I just had to know. I told him even if it hurt me, I needed to know or I would always be wondering. Could he have been hiding something from me? I don't know, still don't. BUT I can say one thing, it's been 8 years, I was done years ago trying to dig for any answers he may have not given to me. And if there was, no way in hell was I going to contact the xOW! I maybe the oddball here but damn, if your H still feels he needs to continue to dig for answers after 12 years he has his own issues he need to seek IC for. And he has the nerve to be digging after 12 years when he has had several encounters w/ OW at the bars 6 or 7 years after your A.
drifter777 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I haven't read all replies so if I repeat, I apologize. ... I maybe the oddball here but damn, if your H still feels he needs to continue to dig for answers after 12 years he has his own issues he need to seek IC for. And he has the nerve to be digging after 12 years when he has had several encounters w/ OW at the bars 6 or 7 years after your A. She only told him about her 12 year-old affair recently so I think you are off base with your assessment.
mopar crazy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 She only told him about her 12 year-old affair recently so I think you are off base with your assessment. I must have missed that part. Like I said in my original post to her, I did not read all the replies. How recently did she tell him? I don't have the time to go through the whole thread.
drifter777 Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 I must have missed that part. Like I said in my original post to her, I did not read all the replies. How recently did she tell him? I don't have the time to go through the whole thread. About 4 - 5 months ago. It is a long story and is a bit spread out in multiple threads.
mopar crazy Posted August 4, 2011 Posted August 4, 2011 About 4 - 5 months ago. It is a long story and is a bit spread out in multiple threads. Ok, thanks for clearing that up for me. Umm, yea if my H just now told me about the A w/ the xOW that happened 8 years ago, I would be trying to find more answers out myself. However, I would have a difficult time trying to contact her. Would I try? I honestly don't know. Knowing the xOW the way I do she would get a kick out of me contacting her 8 years later pumping her for information. If I did contact her and my H got pissed, well I would show him where the door was. A BS has every right to know the story if they feel it's part of their healing process. Some don't want to know, others need to know. If I wasn't satisfied w/ the answers I was getting from my H then my next move would be to D court.
road Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 (edited) It's onll a 12 year affair for the WW. BH just found out now and will react as it is brand new because he just became aware now. Also sad, was upset that her BH contacted OM because sad was still in damage control mode. Using the logic of trickle truth to protect her BH from pain but she was not honest with her self in that she was protecting herself from further embarassment. Edited August 5, 2011 by road
ver13 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 It's onll a 12 year affair for the WW. BH just found out now and will react as it is brand new because he just became aware now. Also sad, was upset that her BH contacted OM because sad was still in damage control mode. Using the logic of trickle truth to protect her BH from pain but she was not honest with her self in that she was protecting herself from further embarassment. Trickle down is short for trying to cover your butt as much as possible so that you don't hurt yourself when you slip on the ice covered path of life.
Spark1111 Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 SDC, here is the way it usually works for a BS. First, we have to forgive the betrayal, and many realize that is not possible and move quickly to divorce. Secondly, we have to wrap our head around how someone we loved and trusted could lie so easily to our loving, trusting faces. We are disillusioned and devastated. It takes on average, two to five years to overcome infidelity. Thirdly, we have to determine if we can ever RESPECT and TRUST the person again. Everytime we are trickle-truthed, or parts of the story are omitted, the recovery clock gets set back to zero. The fact that your H even cares to contact the OM says he is still thinking about if you are trustworthy or not. If a WS tells ALL the truth when answering the BS questions, the chance of recovery is about 87%. If not, it drops to a woeful 50%. Tell him the truth. Right now. Today. Do not omit or hide,or minimize, or dodge or weave any detail he needs to know. Because if he finds out info you DID not supply, well the heart can only take so much.
David Cain Posted August 5, 2011 Posted August 5, 2011 SDC, here is the way it usually works for a BS. First, we have to forgive the betrayal, and many realize that is not possible and move quickly to divorce. Secondly, we have to wrap our head around how someone we loved and trusted could lie so easily to our loving, trusting faces. We are disillusioned and devastated. It takes on average, two to five years to overcome infidelity. Thirdly, we have to determine if we can ever RESPECT and TRUST the person again. Everytime we are trickle-truthed, or parts of the story are omitted, the recovery clock gets set back to zero. The fact that your H even cares to contact the OM says he is still thinking about if you are trustworthy or not. If a WS tells ALL the truth when answering the BS questions, the chance of recovery is about 87%. That statistic is not true. If not, it drops to a woeful 50%. Chances of the marriage not ending up in divorce is 15%. Tell him the truth. Right now. Today. Do not omit or hide,or minimize, or dodge or weave any detail he needs to know. Because if he finds out info you DID not supply, well the heart can only take so much. Talking to the OM is not going to solve anything. Remember, OM engaged in secrecy with his wife. He'll tell lies and/or will be a smart ass about it. And he cheated too so he really has no grounds for his temper tantrums.
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