Mimolicious Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 If you read her posts and can believe them (not saying I do) it appears that her husband found this email on his down, she did not have it. What is it you are getting at though SadDazedConfused? Are you upset because he did this and didn't tell you first? Playing devil's advocate here if he had told you first what would you have said? In my opinion the right answer would have been "you do whatever you feel you have to and I'll support you". I'd hazard to say you wouldn't have said that though, and it would have appeared to your husband that you were 1. Protecting the OM. 2. Still hiding the full truth. Either one would be unacceptable to your husband. Perhaps this was his way of trying to acheive closure and that is not a bad thing. Or I could be completely off base and loopy... Either or True. My bad. I was assuming that he got it from her email...
Entropy3000 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Don't feel bad.. your H probably minimize his As also.. Put your foot down.. and tell him that if he doesn't stop playing Columbo.. you'll end up having another affair.. that should do it.. Yes. Always good in a marriage to threaten the other with banging someone else. Using infidelity as a weapon is good for a marriage. Oh wait ... no ... that is f'd up. I agree that just might do it. He might stop investigating and just move on.
rafallus Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 In that case, he definitely will. Maybe to less toxic woman though.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I love my husband and have been completely faithful to him for over 10 years. I made mistakes when I was a lost, confused 25 year old. I knew that telling him the truth back when all of this happened, would have made him leave me, so I decided I would try to live with the guilt. I messed up, I own what I did, and if I could change my choices, I would.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 What_Next, why would I come to this forum seeking advice and insight, and lie about my situation? What would I gain by lying?
Memphis Raines Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 First you say this: He still doesn't believe that what I have told him is the full, unabridged version of what happened. then you say this When I originally told him about the OM that I actually had sex with, I did minimize things. I made it out like it was a brief encounter, that we only got to the point of him penetrating me, and I immediately felt ill and stopped him. My husband called me on it, and I admitted that there was more to it than that. Sorry, but he isn't going to believe you. He had to call you on it. and after calling you on it and found out you lied in the first place, of course he isn't going to believe that your version is the "full, unabridged version"
Memphis Raines Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 What_Next, why would I come to this forum seeking advice and insight, and lie about my situation? What would I gain by lying? so that us resident tough lovers would treat you with kid gloves perhaps
What_Next Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 My dear I did not accuse you of lying, I simply stated that it is up to people to make their own judgements on whether or they want to believe you. Rather than getting defensive you might want to actually read my post; or not, the choice is yours.
rafallus Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 What_Next, why would I come to this forum seeking advice and insight, and lie about my situation? What would I gain by lying?Wrong question. What did you gain by lying to your husband? Him not trusting you, that's what.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I know I screwed up way back when (and over the years by continuing to cover up my affairs), but I think we have the potential for a great relationship. Now that all the lies and cheating have been pulled out of the closet, I think we can work to rebuild the trust and work to have a strong relationship. We BOTH screwed up and soiled our marriage, and we are both trying to fix what we broke and to start over with a new, stronger marriage. When I first admitted to having sex with the other man, my husband point blank said he would never be able to touch me again. That the thought of having sex with me disgusted him and he'd never do it again. So then when he asked for details about the act, I felt that if he knew what really happened, and that I did enjoy it up to a point, that he'd be even more disgusted with me. That if I minimized my enjoyment, that it would be easier for him to stomach. Obviously he didn't believe my story, that there had to be more to it than I alluded to, and he was right. I wasn't lying to deceive him, I thought I was protecting him. I know that was wrong, but honestly I was desperate. We have both created quite the mess of things, but we are continuing with counseling and trying to recommit to each other.
SoulStorm Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It wasn't to deceive him, it was to protect him. Lies are not strong enough to protect anyone. While the truth can be harmful in the beginning..the end result can lead to healing. A lie will be soothing in the beginning, but once the lie looses its luster and the truth is revealed..the end result proves to be tragic.
nyrias Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Lies are not strong enough to protect anyone. While the truth can be harmful in the beginning..the end result can lead to healing. A lie will be soothing in the beginning, but once the lie looses its luster and the truth is revealed..the end result proves to be tragic. The last sentence assumes that truth will be revealed. That is NOT always true. It is possible that lies are taken to the graves of the liars.
rafallus Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) It wasn't to deceive him, it was to protect him. You know, what is the road to hell paved with? OP is challenging the hell of working out, not only she has to regain trust (preferrably by starting to being fully honest with husband - being honest on the internet forum is easy - otherwise asking for advice with made up story, wouldn't be deceitful, just simply idiotic), and - if it wasn't hard enough already - can't turn into a doormat while regaining trust. The last sentence assumes that truth will be revealed. That is NOT always true. It is possible that lies are taken to the graves of the liars. Oh, it actually doesn't matter. What matters is that other people sense that there was a huge lie involved. Edited July 6, 2011 by rafallus
nyrias Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Oh, it actually doesn't matter. What matters is that other people sense that there was a huge lie involved. THAT makes a little more sense. But of course it is an open question of how well can people detect huge lies. The fact that, in some cases even here, BS does not detect anything years after, don't make detection easy and automatic.
rafallus Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 Nowhere I did say that picking up has either of these qualities. In fact it's a skill that is best used if trained.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 (edited) It wasn't to deceive him, it was to protect him. Has your husband actually stated "If you have an affair, I don't want to know", or not? If he has, then that is entirely valid. If not, then you are relying completely on assumptions on what your hubby wants. Only the person who is recieving the lie, can determine as to whether or not it is for their own good. How convenient it is, that the person who is being lied to can't actually say, until they know what the lie is. On this subject, some people want to face the brutal truth head on, while others prefer to remain in blissful ignorance. Where does your husband fall? Anyway, since dishonesty has dug you further into this mess, it seems like the reverse might have the reverse effect. Edited July 7, 2011 by OldOnTheInside
Memphis Raines Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 Don't feel bad.. your H probably minimize his As also.. Put your foot down.. and tell him that if he doesn't stop playing Columbo.. you'll end up having another affair.. that should do it.. this has got to be about the worst advice ever. Lizzie, its clear you don't know anything about real relationships. Because if you did, you'd know that if she does what you said above, that he'd probably go to a lawyer, go out and have another affair himself, or something else that would be unthinkable. he'll do probably about anything BUT bend to her will. Threats of cheating don't produce desired results, unless the results are to create anger. you don't tell someone to do as you say or you'll have another affair. thats just beyond stupid
2sunny Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 if you intend to heal the M - you wouldn't be angry at all for him taking action on what is real and where the lies have been. you would be happy he is uncovering evidence of your truth. but you are angry - seems you are still covering up. you haven't been honest - offering up your FULL truth. ten years later you are still reeling from these lies. be honest. and btw, your 9 year old = yes, could be born from an affair 10 years ago... be realistic. be honest. there's no trust within the M - even 10 years later... what are you wasting time with? more lies and cover up? IF he needs evidence of your honesty - you wouldn't be worried of that evidence the OM will provide.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I said the affairs were over 10 years ago. They occurred in the spring/summer of 1999, so it's actually been 12 years. There is no doubt as to who the father is of my children. My husband said he did it to try and gain some closure. That he hoped the OM's story was the same as mine, and that he then could hopefully take what I had told him as the truth. Our MC called it fact checking, and with people's memories failing them after so many years, it's a slippery slope, because people remember things differently. I think my H did it because he hoped to catch me in a lie and call me out on it. He is convinced I did more than kiss and grope OM2. He believes that since I was physical with him on two occasions, that it would have escalated the 2nd time. I slept with OM1 in between the makeout sessions with OM2, so my H's logical conclusion is that since I slept with OM1, why didn't I sleep with OM2. I didn't. I was drunk and made a huge mistake and let things get out of control when I slept with OM1. It's all horrible regardless, and my husband deserved better. I was in a really bad place in my life and made choices that essentially defecated on my marriage and my husband. I have lived with those horrible choices for over 10 years, and wish I could have made different choices. My husband made the observation last night that looking at what happened with us, that what could be learned by our experience and situation is: if you cheat, lie and cover it up as long as possible, and hopefully enough stuff happens over the years, that if/when the truth does come out, that hopefully the fallout isn't as bad. Essentially, if I would have told him back then that I had cheated on him with 2 different men, that he would have walked away. We were young, had no assets, no kids, and could have gone our separate ways. NOW, we have a house, assets, and 2 children. He says he feels like I trapped him, that he was sold a false bill of goods. He says he does love me, and is willing to try to move past all of the horrible things we have done to each other.
2sunny Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 a house, kids and assets are not enough reason to stay. people leave all the time... look deep within - have ALL of your actions and words worked as hard as possible throughout these recovery years to regain trust and restore your husbands peace of mind? if you haven't 150% - then you have more work to do to repair the damage you have done. to set things right is key... he must need closure for some reason - and words aren't enough - what have you been doing to set things right?
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 I have apoligized and continue to apologize. I have committed myself 150% to working on our marriage and building trust. We have both made sure to make time for each other (something we were severely lacking). I am looking within myself to see my flaws and faults and try to be a better person and then a better wife. He is really hurt, and I don't blame him. I was awful in how I acted. He went over the scenario from back then last night, and it really made me feel awful (as I should). At the time, he was doing everything he could to try and help me out of my depression. He tried to get me to spend time with him, he tried to make me happy and I pushed him away. I didn't want to have sex with him or even let him touch me. At the time it disgusted me. So I wouldn't have sex with him or even want him to touch me, and then I went and sought those two things out from other men. His feeling of inadequacy as a result are completely due to my selfishness and horrible actions. What can I say or do to make that up to him?
SoulStorm Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 The last sentence assumes that truth will be revealed. That is NOT always true. It is possible that lies are taken to the graves of the liars. You are relying on theory too much in this situation..in this situation as well as others..the truth has been revealed. I have not ruled out that lies go to the grave..they do..but not on this ocassion.
SoulStorm Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 I have apoligized and continue to apologize. I have committed myself 150% to working on our marriage and building trust. We have both made sure to make time for each other (something we were severely lacking). I am looking within myself to see my flaws and faults and try to be a better person and then a better wife. He is really hurt, and I don't blame him. I was awful in how I acted. He went over the scenario from back then last night, and it really made me feel awful (as I should). At the time, he was doing everything he could to try and help me out of my depression. He tried to get me to spend time with him, he tried to make me happy and I pushed him away. I didn't want to have sex with him or even let him touch me. At the time it disgusted me. So I wouldn't have sex with him or even want him to touch me, and then I went and sought those two things out from other men. His feeling of inadequacy as a result are completely due to my selfishness and horrible actions. What can I say or do to make that up to him? This is where I like people to see that lies don't protect. If you would have told your BH what happened afterwards he could have made a decision for himself. You have robbed him of that in a sense because now he has more to lose. He will be resentful of you for a time because you made a decision for him to protect YOU..not him. He now has to look back on 10 years as false to him..it was all a lie to him. All you can do now is be transparent and honest. Be consistent in your recovery. Do not get defensive..accept the consequences He should not be verbally or physically abusing you. He should be allowed to vent constructively Even if he yells..as long as he is not being abusive and is just venting his thoughts. DO NOT BECOME DEFENSIVE to his vents. Always let him know you are available to him to talk Keep yourself busy so you don't become depressed Exercise Eat healthy Drink lots of water and juice Find a hobby when you have alone time If he pushes away..let him know you are still available. Then go do something constructive so you don't self-loathe. Your consistency with helping him heal as well as yourself will win his trust. Consistency and time.
Memphis Raines Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 Essentially, if I would have told him back then that I had cheated on him with 2 different men, that he would have walked away. We were young, had no assets, no kids, and could have gone our separate ways. NOW, we have a house, assets, and 2 children. He says he feels like I trapped him, that he was sold a false bill of goods. He says he does love me, and is willing to try to move past all of the horrible things we have done to each other. Yup, he was trapped. Same thing happened to me. I wasn't given the choice to put my life in a different, better direction. By the time I found out, it was too late to make the break easily.
Memphis Raines Posted August 3, 2011 Posted August 3, 2011 a house, kids and assets are not enough reason to stay. people leave all the time... right, and I didn't stay either. I was just saying that it makes it more difficult and expensive to leave a cheater at that point.
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