SadDazedConfused Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 My husband found one of the men's email addresses that I had an affair with, and sent him an email asking for his version of what happened between us. He still doesn't believe that what I have told him is the full, unabridged version of what happened. I got upset with him for doing this behind my back, that he should have talked to me first before he sent the email. We are supposed to be all about trust and sharing our thoughts and feelings right now, and he went and did this. He is also still searching out the 2nd man, trying to find a way to contact him as well. Is this over the top? Shouldn't he be beyond this point by now? I never tried to contact any of the women he had flings with, so why is he?
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Are you for real? You're the one who cheated and betrayed your husband, not with just one man, but TWO, and you're upset that he contacted one of the OM behind your back? And, you think he should be 'over it' already? No offense, but it sounds like you're no where ready to reconcile with your husband, let alone own your part in all of this. He's done absolutely nothing wrong here. He has every right to contact BOTH OM and talk to them, ask them questions. Just because you didn't contact the OW he had affairs with doesn't mean anything. That's you, and this is him. Sounds like you both have trust issues with one another and are in need of marriage counselling badly.
John Michael Kane Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 My husband found one of the men's email addresses that I had an affair with, and sent him an email asking for his version of what happened between us. He still doesn't believe that what I have told him is the full, unabridged version of what happened. I got upset with him for doing this behind my back, that he should have talked to me first before he sent the email. We are supposed to be all about trust and sharing our thoughts and feelings right now, and he went and did this. He is also still searching out the 2nd man, trying to find a way to contact him as well. Is this over the top? Shouldn't he be beyond this point by now? I never tried to contact any of the women he had flings with, so why is he? Since both of you are cheaters I can understand to a point where you are coming from. But since both of you are cheaters with trust issues (obviously) then it seems divorce would be the way to ride.
Chi townD Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Well, if you told your husband the ENTIRE truth, then there's nothing really to be upset about. He's just gonna hear more of the same and then HE'll feel like an idiot for not trusting you that you were telling the truth, right?
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 I brought it up to our MC, and she said it was a slippery slope for him to email the OM. Fact checking was what she called it. My husband said that since he was hoping to verify what I told him, that telling me beforehand (so I could potentially get my story straight with the OM), would have defeated the purpose of emailing him in the first place. That if I had nothing to hide, that it shouldn't matter if he emailed him or not. I just thought it was shady that he would do it behind my back and then confront me when the stories weren't exactly the same. I know he has the right to ask questions of whoever he wants to, it just seems like him doing that pushes us two steps back as far as building trust.
Art_Critic Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I'm guessing that he feels you have not been forth coming with the events of the affairs that he asked you about and until those feelings are cleared then he can't trust you. It also sounds like you are still hiding something from him since you have a problem with this new contact of the OM's. Have you lied at all to him when he has asked questions regarding the affairs ?
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 You don't see this because you're in the midst of it and can't be objective, but it's very obvious that he STILL doesn't trust you and maybe (no offense) the attitude over all you display around your H isn't giving him enough security to feel like you are fully remorseful. You want him to 'get over it' and he can't. Everybody works through their own pain at their own pace. Maybe you've forgiven him and worked through your trust issues with him, but he isn't there. Patience, being a TOTAL open book, answering ALL his questions, even if you think it'll hurt him, he needs to know the truth. Are there things that the OM will tell him that you haven't mentioned or omitted? If no, then you have nothing to worry about. Also, stop making it seem like he's doing something shady and behind your back. He isn't and if you feel him asking the OM questions brings the progress backwards, then maybe it's because he still feels unsure overall about you and the marriage. What are you doing to ease his mind?
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 When I originally told him about the OM that I actually had sex with, I did minimize things. I made it out like it was a brief encounter, that we only got to the point of him penetrating me, and I immediately felt ill and stopped him. My husband called me on it, and I admitted that there was more to it than that. The whole ordeal between making out, foreplay and sex lasted about a half hour, not the ten minutes or less that I made it out to be. The sex itself lasted maybe 5 minutes before I stopped the OM and told him to get off of me. I have been honest with my husband about that entire encounter now, but my leaving details out to lessen his being disgusted with me, I can see how that would make him question if I am telling him everything. The OM that my husband emailed, I only made out with him on a couple of occasions at parties. The OM has only admitted to my husband that we kissed on one occasion, and that he can't remember the 2nd occasion every happening. It did, and honestly why would I make up a 2nd occurence that didn't happen, that makes me look worse? The issue with OM #1, is that he told my husband we left the party and drove to a parking lot and sat in my car and talked for a few hours and made out there. I had told my husband that we never left the party, that we kissed there for maybe a few minutes and then stopped. I guess I figured that leaving the party would look worse, that my husband would then question why we would have to leave, and that he would think that more actually happened than just making out (it didn't). Understand this was all over 10 years ago, and I have not cheated on my husband since. I have been honest with him since then, so it's trying to rebuild the trust that I broke 10+ years ago.
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 How long ago were his affairs? I'm sorry I vaguely remember your story.. Do you two have kids? And, are you sure his affairs are over and he's in NC mode with the OW? It is odd after 10 years, your A's are over yet he is still digging.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 He had a one night stand with a woman when he was out of town, and he had a month long affair with a woman who lives about 5 miles from us. Both of his affairs were 5+ years ago, and I know that he no longer is in contact with either of them. He also kissed by his account, about a dozen or so women at bars over the last 6 years. He has not gone out with his friends since d-day, and I trust him that there has been no cheating since we both admitted what we had done. We have two kids 9 and 7. When my husband first uncovered evidence that I was cheating on him (10+ years ago, when it was actually happening), I lied and told him we were just friends and the OM had attempted to kiss me once and I stopped him. He only found out in February that more actually happened with that OM, and that there was in fact a 2nd OM that I actually had sex with. He found the evidence and questioned me about what the REAL truth was, and I stuck to my guns and lied to his face until he revealed that he knew the truth. So I can understand his not believing my stories completely. He says that the only times that I have ever fessed up information is when he is holding the evidence over my head. He's right in that respect. Until he had the gun to my head, I denied everything. He confessed his indiscretions to me without my knowing a thing. I had absolutely no idea that he had ever cheated, and probably never would have known had he not confessed. I never suspected a thing. His reasoning for searching for the absolute truth is that he was burned back when all this first happened (by trusting my word), and it's hard for him to do it again. He wants to know for sure that he has the whole story.
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 Sorry I went into so much details...I didn't realize this was a PG thread. I'm not worried about keeping up my image, just working out my marriage issues. Sorry if my choice of words bothered you.
Bryanp Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Now you see what happens when you do not tell the whole truth. It is difficult to believe anything you say after you lied to his face. I would suggest taking a polygraph to clear up everything.
alexandria35 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Why do you need to go into so much details? It cheapens your whole thread and won't make people take you seriously! I disagree with this sentiment. SDC was sharing with us the current state of her marriage struggles and explaining to us where her husbands mistrust is coming from.Sometimes the details help to put things into proper context. It is normal for people to open up here and tell the whole truth. Putting a nice spin on things doesn't make ones actions any worse or better. SDC I hope you will not censor yourself here simply because one poster felt offended.
rafallus Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Why do you need to go into so much details? It cheapens your whole thread and won't make people take you seriously! You're so wrong it's hilarious. Actually, shared bits give so much insight, that it completely changes stuff. Aka. if she was lying through her teeth to the very end, while her husband admitted on his own, can you really blame him he doesn't trust her (even though they both cheated, her lying compared with his admitting still puts things on kinda unequal footing)?
avenger Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 No it is not over the top. You reap what you sow. You cheated now he does not trust you. If you have a child who keep on lying to you then eventually you will constantly check up on them to make sure they are telling the truth. I read the OP and was in awe. Why do cheaters want to justify their wrongness. If your husband cheated 1st then you had the option to leave him. Since you now cheated too then you are no better than he is. I suggest counseling together......
OldOnTheInside Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 This is not an attack on your character, but I am going to be blunt. All actions have consequences. He cheated. You cheated. You cheated again. And you have displayed a high level of dishonesty to him, overall. Realistically, there is no reason for you to think that he will ever trust you again to a healthy degree, despite whatever he says. And that is why he doing what he is doing, it is a potential response when one is hurt. Honestly, this situation is best left to the MC and not us.
What_Next Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I agree with OldOnTheInside on this one. Your marriage has no foundation in trust and it seems that neither of you are rebuilding that trust actively.
Entropy3000 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 He had a one night stand with a woman when he was out of town, and he had a month long affair with a woman who lives about 5 miles from us. Both of his affairs were 5+ years ago, and I know that he no longer is in contact with either of them. He also kissed by his account, about a dozen or so women at bars over the last 6 years. He has not gone out with his friends since d-day, and I trust him that there has been no cheating since we both admitted what we had done. We have two kids 9 and 7. When my husband first uncovered evidence that I was cheating on him (10+ years ago, when it was actually happening), I lied and told him we were just friends and the OM had attempted to kiss me once and I stopped him. He only found out in February that more actually happened with that OM, and that there was in fact a 2nd OM that I actually had sex with. He found the evidence and questioned me about what the REAL truth was, and I stuck to my guns and lied to his face until he revealed that he knew the truth. So I can understand his not believing my stories completely. He says that the only times that I have ever fessed up information is when he is holding the evidence over my head. He's right in that respect. Until he had the gun to my head, I denied everything. He confessed his indiscretions to me without my knowing a thing. I had absolutely no idea that he had ever cheated, and probably never would have known had he not confessed. I never suspected a thing. His reasoning for searching for the absolute truth is that he was burned back when all this first happened (by trusting my word), and it's hard for him to do it again. He wants to know for sure that he has the whole story. Are both of the children actually his?
Author SadDazedConfused Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 I'm not sure what you mean by the 'troll' comment, I've been on this board off and on since February. You need to understand that my affairs occured over 10 years ago, and I have not been in contact with either of these men since then. When they did occur, I was not emailing them or even in phone contact with them, and have not been since. One man was a one night stand, and I hadn't seen him since high school when it happened, and I have not seen him since. My husband scoured the internet and was able to locate the one OM, and found the email address on his own (his work email), I did not have it nor do I have any idea what the OM's is or even where he lives at this point. You are taking things out of context here. There were no emails to share with my husband, so I have not kept them from him. This happened over 10 years ago, so there is nothing but my memory to share with my husband. I had hid this from him since it all happened, and he found out in February that I had cheated on him. There are no saved emails or anything that I can openly share with my husband, or I would. Our children were born years after the affairs, so there is no question as to who they belong to. I only had sex one time with either of the OM. It was a one night stand and I stopped him in the middle of it because I couldn't deal with the guilt. I have never cheated on my husband since then, and again it was over 10 years ago. I was young, stupid and confused and I own what I did and have begged my husband for his forgiveness. Both of my incidents happened before my husband cheated on me. It wasn't a revenge thing for me, neither of us actually knew that the other had cheated. His cheating has all occurred in the last 6 or 7 years, so it wasn't as was alluded to where I went and cheated again because he cheated on me.
Mimolicious Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 My husband found one of the men's email addresses that I had an affair with, and sent him an email asking for his version of what happened between us. He still doesn't believe that what I have told him is the full, unabridged version of what happened. I got upset with him for doing this behind my back, that he should have talked to me first before he sent the email. We are supposed to be all about trust and sharing our thoughts and feelings right now, and he went and did this. He is also still searching out the 2nd man, trying to find a way to contact him as well. Is this over the top? Shouldn't he be beyond this point by now? I never tried to contact any of the women he had flings with, so why is he? As harsh as this may sound... You just got a very itty bitty microscopical taste of your own medicine, hone! You are asking from your H, that very same thing that you have not given him? Whoa! But wait, he's had "Flings"?! Sounds like you guys have a hella of a marriage. Is it "Over the top"? No, doesn't sound like it is. A way of you approaching the same situation, doesn't guarantee that he will approach it the same. He's entitled to handle it in a way that helps him feel better about it. Now, I have a question for you. Have you told him a full, unabridged version of what REALLY happened????? Just wondering... Perhaps, this is why you are ape shyte about it?! Are you afraid that your OM dishes out the nitty-gritty?
Mimolicious Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Sorry, didn't read the rest of the thread till now... 10yrs ago????????? How do you have the email address of a person that you haven't been in contact with 10yrs ago??????? Especially someone that you're not to contact? Sounds like BS.
Art_Critic Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Sorry, didn't read the rest of the thread till now... 10yrs ago????????? How do you have the email address of a person that you haven't been in contact with 10yrs ago??????? Especially someone that you're not to contact? Sounds like BS. It's plausible.. my yahoo email I've had about 14-15 years.. maybe a little longer and my work email I've had the same time.. 15 years.. So 10 years is possible.. She also didn't say that the email address was 10 years old... just the affair, she may have a newer email for whatever reason..
What_Next Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 If you read her posts and can believe them (not saying I do) it appears that her husband found this email on his down, she did not have it. What is it you are getting at though SadDazedConfused? Are you upset because he did this and didn't tell you first? Playing devil's advocate here if he had told you first what would you have said? In my opinion the right answer would have been "you do whatever you feel you have to and I'll support you". I'd hazard to say you wouldn't have said that though, and it would have appeared to your husband that you were 1. Protecting the OM. 2. Still hiding the full truth. Either one would be unacceptable to your husband. Perhaps this was his way of trying to acheive closure and that is not a bad thing. Or I could be completely off base and loopy... Either or
Lizzie60 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Don't feel bad.. your H probably minimize his As also.. Put your foot down.. and tell him that if he doesn't stop playing Columbo.. you'll end up having another affair.. that should do it..
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