Fiance suddenly ended it over small things I did years ago...

[Stupid Girl]

I've been documenting the downfall of my relationship here since it began in March, and now it's hit its end, and I don't quite know how to deal with it...

 

While neither of us cheated, we did some dishonest things to each other in March 2011. Three and a half months later, I thought we were past it, although he continued to be dishonest with me about small things. After catching him in one last lie, he made the sudden decision to leave, go back and live with his parents (we've been living together ~3 years). He left last week and took an article of mine, but when I called his parents'house to get in touch with him I find out he didn't go there. He'd actually been staying in a hotel.

 

We saw each other this week, after a few days of not seeing each other. The last time we'd gone a day without seeing each other was back when I was in college, years ago. But he didn't seem happy, or interested, to see me at all. He was extremely cold. Where before he had so much confidence in our relationship, now he told me if he "couldn't make up his mind" as to whether or not he wanted to stay. I realize, at this point, I should have realized that, if he can't make up his mind, that's a no. Just in terms of my having self respect for myself. But my reaction was instead to become frantic. This is the guy I've spent my ENTIRE 20s on. I thought we were perfect for each other. I can't let this go. etc.

 

So we saw each other a bit for the last few days, and finally last night we hung out. He made it completely awkward and was impatient, mean, and unpleasant to me the entire night. Still, I made every ffort to be calm and understanding, because I know he's going through a lot. But at the end of the night - we were planning to go to a bar to get a drink before parting ways - after he complained the entire way about "not feeling like going" and "not feeling well" (although when I asked what he wanted to do then, he'd say "Let's jsut go to the bar") we stopped in a park to talk. And I asked him, point blank, do you want to end this relationship? Because he was being so cold and unpleasant. And at last, he nodded his head. I questioned it, because this was the first time he'd ever agreed with this suggestion, and all these accusations started coming out at once. He was so angry, blaming me for all these small things I'd done years ago that I never even realized. For things that I had asked him, "Does this upset you?" and he'd told me directly "No". For things he had never made a single iota of indication he ever had a problem with before. It was so hostile, at that moment, I basically let go. I walked away and went home (our former home, now I guess it's just mine) and cried my eyes out.

 

Now I don't know what to do. He admits to being "really messed up" right now. I'm quite certain he's having a mid-quarter life crisis. Even a week ago, he was 100% sure we were going to end up together and get married. I feel like I can't walk away because he's going to come to his senses and I need to be here for him. But on the other hand, what kind of disservice am I causing to my ego to allow myself to be treated this way? If he is truly the man I am supposed to end up with, wouldn't he be able to make the right choice despite feeling messed up?

 

I don't really know where I'm going with this, I just need some advice on what to do. I've gone through breakups before, but not from somebody so closely intertwined into my life for so long.

[thelovingkind]

It sounds like a classic use of the "divert and distract" tactic. The real reasons for the break up are too confusing, vague or sinister for him to want to (or be able to) convey, so he's picked some minor grievances and presented them as break-up fodder instead. Some people here will say there's absolutely another woman; there may or may not be. Maybe he just lost interest in you. Maybe it is some kind of a mid-life crisis underpinning this. It's unlikely you'll ever know for sure, it's just pretty clear that for whatever reason he wants out