tznplzn Posted April 21, 2004 Posted April 21, 2004 Al right here it goes. I have been dating a girl for the past 2 years. I am 29 and she is 23. She has a son that is 4 years old and she is going to school full time and working part time. She had ended a marriage a year earlier that had been abusive. She had gotten married due to an unplanned pregency at 17. We had originally meet through a friends Internet date, (we were both there to lend support in a group atmosphere.) We hit it off immediately by the end of the evening we found each other together in a intimate way. This was in early July. From that night on we had spent every day together. I have a career that requires me to work allot 50- 60 hrs a week. So I would speak to her at least three times a day while I was working and spend every night and every weekend with her and her son. By September I had meet her parents and went on there family vacations and all other family activities. Everything went well for the next 10 months. She and her son had basically moved in with me and we were living our lives. We were both convinced that we were the one's for each other. There were times when we had little differences but nothing out of the ordinary. We were getting along great. I had been in the process of looking at a house to buy for quite some time. She had been looking with me and indicated that she wanted to buy the house with me. At first I didn't know what to think but the idea grew on me. So we decided to get the house together. For about a 3 months we looked for housing and schools. Things had progressed and we started to talk with banks and such. Well at this point she told me she had to be engaged to be able to move in with me. She had not brought this up 3 months ago. At this time I stated I would like to marry her. She then started to push for the engagement on a weekly basis. I stated to her that I wanted to per-pose because I loved her not because she was pressuring me and the situation with the house. Also I could not affor the ring because I was saving money for the down payment of the house (along with some credit restraints she was well aware of). I mostly wanted the engagement to be perfect due the way her previous marriage had come about and to reassure to her that I was marrying her out of pure love not due to circumstances. This pressure started to push me away from the idea and I didn't understand that if she really loved me why isn't sh giving me the time to do it on my own. Well we went on vacation with her family in December for a week. We had great time but on the trip back home she was angry with me for having not perposed to her. About 10 days after we got back home she per-posed to me. At first I thought she was joking. She said she was not. I said yes of course because I love her and knew I would marry her. Although I was excited about being engaged I was not excited about the way it came about. I felt like I had let her and myself down. And I still had not gotten her ring because of the house. During this time she had been doing badly in school which was the first time sha had less that "a" in her life. She was in danger of losing her scholarship. I told her to not worry about the money, that we would work it out. She was also working twice as much to prepare for the house. At this point we started to bicker more. Between the our jobs, school, the house, money, and child raising concerns the stress was on. About 5 weeks ago she had called me to set a date for the wedding(which wasn't to be fro another 1-1/2yrs). She said she was just going to pick a date to tell her grandparents. I said I wanted to set down together to pick it. She said she was just going to do it herself. This lead to an argument that did not get resolved. She then went out that night with some friends. At 2am she called me to get a ride. I was unable to drive, having had been out myself. She was to orgionally had stayed at a friends house. Well apparently that night her friend had a party and she got involved in a conversation with a group of people that dwindled down to just her and another guy about relationships. I assume she told him the difficulties her and I were having. Well she states that they connected and that having talked to him (for 2 hour after having had been drinking and her and I having been fighting that day) she realized that I may not be the best match for her. As you may have guessed this sent her into the confusion/I need space stage a week before we were to close on the house. Within 5 days of her telling me about her conversation and realization she had moved out of my apartment while I was out of town. Then when I got back 2 days later she told me she needed a week to get things straight. The next time we talked she needed a month to figure it out (which is about the time school would get out) Well I made i week without talking to her but couldn't take missing her and her son. So I called her to try to figure out what was going on. We talked on the phone until 11pm then her phone went dead. Well I then went her house to talk. We talked for the next few hours crying and holding each other. She said she wished this guy would turn out to be a dick. And of course I begged her to see all the good things in our relationship not just the bad Also I said I would change. Well I stayed the night and basically laid there for hrs next to this cold person until it was time to get up 6am. We talked some more in the morning no nearly as deep. Her son was excited to see me and wanted me to stay the next night as well. She headed off to work and I to mine saying I love you to each other and giving each other a huge. She said she would call me later. Well she did to say it was over. Later that day I called her and told her she needed to get the rest of her stuff, so we set up a time the next day. At this time I said I at least wanted to say good-bye to her son That I had been around for half of his life, that he so fondly had called me dad for the past 6 months. At first she said no but I insisted. They came over and I was very emotional and she ice cold. She hinted that she wished she had not made this decision. She stated some more reasons why she broke it off which well bull????. And said she wanted to help me get over it. That she would talk with me about anything except for the relationship. She also stated that if I had mentioned to her parents, that I had contacted when all this started to happen, that I really wanted to marry her she would have been back. I asked her for a second chance. She stated that if we did try again we would not just get married, that we would half to build the relationship back up, which I agreeded. Then she said she was going to date and asked me not get mad. Well she called me a week ago to see if I was alright. Of course I acted as though I was fine, didn't talk about the relationship at all. She thanked me for some easter gifts that I had sent her son. (but did not mention the book I sent her about relationship) Also asked what I had been up to, etc. I indicated to her that I wanted to be part of her son's life if possible. She said she wasn't sure about that but didn't say no. I kept the conversation short and got off the line first. I have not contacted her at all and don't plan to. She is determined to only get married 1 more time in her life which I agree with, but she has put that much more pressure on her self to not make a mistake. Also she has not gotten the opportunity to experience life due to the child and the young marriage. I am just really confused as her motives and if she really knows what she is doing. She has said that our relationship was the most trusting relationship she had ever been in wether it was friendship or a boyfriend. That she loved me but not in love with me. Any comments or questions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
overseas2004 Posted April 22, 2004 Posted April 22, 2004 Well first of all your post is too long. Second, I can understand that you did not want to get pushed into getting married. But what is preventing you from proposing right now. Did you ever think that this is what she is waiting for???? And if she is not then you can just keep moving on. But you should resolve this. And I am sorry I don't have more compassion but i am tired of you guys being so damn scared of getting married. It is getting old.... like yesterday's underwear.
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