RuinedLife Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 One of the things that hurts me the most about my break up is knowing how my ex must really look down on me now, as it was my insecurities and neediness that destroyed my relationship in the first place, and then even after it ended my desperation to try and work things out with him must have made me look really unattractive. And even though to be honest, I think my ex bf had been losing respect for me for a long time before the break up, knowing how much he must look down on me now is just so painful to me. Because however much I want to try and delude myself and pretend he will give me another chance, I know in reality, the chances of that are incredibly slim. I just wondered if anyone else has similar regrets or pains when they think about how they must have changed in the eyes of their ex?
smudge21 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Yeah, of course, when these things happen we only ever think the worse. It's the same as picturing your ex having such a great time and enjoying their lives after they've dumped you. The truth is there's no way we can really know how our ex's our feeling or what their thoughts are. Yes, we can see stupid Facebook pictures of them out and about, but they're only one off photos of a small moment in their lives. You can think your ex thinks the worse of you, hell, he could even tell you that to your face. But the truth once again is that might just be how he feels at a certain moment in time, or a way to get back at you for whatever. It may not be how he feels most of the time. I hear about my ex living her life and having fun and I so miss being a part of that fun and it hurts to picture that that is what her life is like now, without me. But it's not the truth - no one has the perfect life and why would it suddenly become perfect after a break up. That doesn't make sense. Just accept that these are just negative feelings swamping your brain right now, making you feel bad, connecting with those feelings of loss we all have inside us. They will go with time. Try to stay positive.
kingofhearts Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 One of the things that hurts me the most about my break up is knowing how my ex must really look down on me now, as it was my insecurities and neediness that destroyed my relationship in the first place, and then even after it ended my desperation to try and work things out with him must have made me look really unattractive. And even though to be honest, I think my ex bf had been losing respect for me for a long time before the break up, knowing how much he must look down on me now is just so painful to me. Because however much I want to try and delude myself and pretend he will give me another chance, I know in reality, the chances of that are incredibly slim. I just wondered if anyone else has similar regrets or pains when they think about how they must have changed in the eyes of their ex? I had regrets the first time around, when me and my ex were on her "break", but after this second time, I felt like I tried everything I could and realized that I was the only one fighting. I was messing up bad the first time around and prolly had a chance to make things different before the second time.
thelovingkind Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 At first I was abound with regrets, because I believed that my neediness was the trigger for his feelings to start withering away. Having looked back over chat records and such with as much dispassion and objectivity as I can muster, however, I've found comfort in the fact that it was the other way around: his feelings began to wither, at which point my self-preservation drive kicked in and I began to fight for what I was losing. Sure, I could have played it epically cool instead and stretched things out for another agonising month, perhaps, but I'm glad I didn't. If there's one lesson I've learnt, the quicker you lock things down the better.
betterdeal Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 There's plenty of other people who don't think badly of you. Tell me something that made you smile today.
MissMoni Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 RL, I think we are own worst enemies. We project what we feel about ourselves to how our ex must feel about us, but as other posters have said, we can never really know 100% of what someone else feels. The thing to do now is to STOP thinking or even considering his opinion of you (easier said than done, I know) because his opinion no longer matters for you. What matters now is what YOU think of YOU. Don't worry thinking about what your ex thinks of you, because there is no way of knowing unless he comes out and tells you - and even then, it may not be the entire truth.
Mack05 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) RL I could say it a million times but it seems to go in one ear and out the other. Do you really want to be posting the same stuff in 6 months or worse in a year!?Because you will be, if you keep posting the same stuff over and over without making any attempt to move on. Do a search on threads you have started over the past few weeks/months. Show me the differences in them! There aren't any! Forget about your ex's opinion of you!! It's not important to your recovery. Get yourself back to 100% and then you can sincerely apologise...The rut you are in will get deeper and deeper if you keep beating yourself and keep obsessing like this. How much longer are you going to stay in this vicious circle!??You seem determined to want to self destruct and I have no idea why... You probably don't deserve a second chance with your ex but does that mean you don't deserve a second chance at life? A second chance with someone new. Why can't you see the damage you are doing to yourself!?. I'd love to meet your therapist she is doing a ***** job.. I felt guilty about my behaviour with my ex. I didn't sleep for 6 weeks. Until I realized my ex isn't suffering like me. She is living her life having a good time, so how was beating myself and obsessing about her going to help me?. Do you know what your ex is doing? The same thing!Enjoying life. He is not feeling sorry for himself, he is not wondering what you are doing, so tell me how is beating yourself up or obsessing or dreaming of a reconcilation going to help you!? Forgive yourself for what you did and move on! That or stay here, looking for sympathy wasting your life away... I'd love to be able to find a way to help you snap out of this...Nothing seems to work. Family advice, therapists, LS advice and sympathy you get on this site just seems to go in one ear and out the other. Let me guess another post in 4-5 days beating yourself up about being insecure in your last relationship and regretting the mistakes you made. Instead of doing the right thing -> forgiving yourself, accepting your ex is probably gone for good. Working on your health, self esteem and your flaws so that you never make the same mistakes again and that you are a better person going forward.. Ruined sorry if I come across frustrated, but I find it so sad the hole you have dug yourself. It's a beautiful day outside here and I am off to enjoy it. I wish you could find away to enjoy the simple things in life again.. Edited July 2, 2011 by Mack05
samm84 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I think in many cases it's desperation that makes people say these things in order to gain a level of power. I told my ex that she was a bad girlfriend, that she didn't deserve me and that I was moving on. Did I mean any of it? No.
TheVSilent Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 This is actually my biggest problem. I treated her bad, and it drove her away, and I took her for granted. I hate that she hates me, like I just know she thinks I'm horrible, she did everything to rid me of her life over the past 6 weeks, and hasn't spoke/text a word. The hardest part is forgiving myself, and I think this is what keeps me down all the time, knowing that after 5 years, she can just move on and hate me. I did good and bad things over that time, I just live in regret.
betterdeal Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Most of the the time, exes are not hating their exes. They get over it. They move on. If they are thinking of an ex, it's usually regretfully. The best you can do now is be one of the first type of exes, and to do that you need to be confident in yourself. To be confident in yourself you need to know your weaknesses and strengths, and to address the weaknesses and build on the strengths. If you did things that were below your own standards then find out why you did that, then find ways to address the cause. It's okay to ask for help, do research, and keep on improving yourself. Become someone you would be delighted to be the partner of. Think in terms of years not days or weeks. I know that you've been burnt, but every fire is a lesson learnt Edited July 2, 2011 by betterdeal
Kilty Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 First of all - you should have no regrets about how your emotions made you act as you are regetting being real. It takes great courage to express yourself to someone in that way. However as life is a learning curve you should use this as an experience for the future. I'm not saying never let out your emotions ever again but try and hone them and use them in a way where you are not making yourself too open and vulnerable. Secondly you are spending way too much time thinking and talking about someone who clearly doesnt give a rats ass about you anymore which is not only pointless but you are allowing these unchecked emotions to hinder your life and make you unwell. The fact that you are feeling embarrassed is however a good thing and something that you should use to your advantage. What you should do is make a connection with your ex and the feeling of cringeworthy embarrassment. So if you dont want to feel embarrased then you dont think of the person that you embarrassed yourself with. If they dont exist in your life then neither does that embarrassing moment. In other words - FORGET ABOUT IT AND HIM
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