welikeincrowds Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 I suspect both of you are missing the point here. It's not fair of her to start withdrawing what you had before, that's true. It's not the best way to go about what she's trying to do. I think she's trying to find out if this relationship is going anywhere. Is it going beyond you and she living together and having sex? What about marriage, kids, a future together? She obviously thinks that as you have everything you need already, you have no incentive to change the status quo. She wants to see more happening, progress, a future. She's probably wondering why you haven't asked her to marry you. Why haven't you? Are you ever intending to? She's not comfortable with continuing the way things are but she doesn't want to beg you to marry her. Instead, she's rethinking things and withdrawing sex is probably as much to give her the space to think where she is in this relationship as it is to give you a jolt. Unless you resolve this 'where is it going' thing between you, this relationship is likely to falter. You are against being manipulated, which is wise. She's against drifting aimlessly without her deeper needs for security and a future being considered. I think whatever you do, you need to think about the underlying reasons for why it has come to this. Basically, she thinks you are not going to ask her to marry you and she's calling a halt to everything. It's not that she wants rid of you or that she wants to give up sex. She doesn't really know what to do to make you see that she has needs other than just sex in a relationship. I don't want to dismiss everything that you're saying, because I think your intuition about her intentions is reasonable. But regardless, her methods of negotiation have consequences -- they present her as irrational and immature, and don't encourage trust or commitment. However, I don't feel that bringing this up as an argument could help the OP. In fact, I'm having a hard time imagining anything he could say or do that can convince her to return to "how it was" -- particularly because she already views sex as an immoral act, one that is not a fundamental component of a functional, loving relationship. Based on what she has told you OP, I highly doubt that her mind can be changed on this, and that is what you would have to do to "get things back". Even if you were to argue that her behavior raised doubts, and that doubts preclude marriage, and that the only way to eliminate the doubts is to stop the behavior -- this would not lend her a pathway to happiness. Having sex will always feel like a violation to her, making her feel weak and used rather than loving and loved. And unfortunately, because she has already used the withholding of sex as a weapon, having sex again will feel like turning a weapon back against her. I'm sorry, OP. She's playing hardball. The only party in this negotiation who can compromise in order to move forward is you. If you are unable to do so, then you've reached an impasse, and you have no choice but to let it go, because it's simply not the relationship you thought (or led to believe) it was. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I can't see an alternative, and I'm sorry.
Author youngskywalker Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 The three posts above have been read and I'll chew in it for awhile. I feel I need to clarify one thing. My stance is, right now to stick with her and see how things go in the near future. This does NOT mean I'm planning on marrying her...FAR from it. I'm more hesitant on that now than I was before. If she thought it was going to push my hand in marriage it did the opposite. I would never live the rest of my life with someone unless it was completely on my own volition. Maybe I gave the impression by me "giving in" it meant that I was going to come to her terms. Not so, it only means I'm going to give things more time. I was laying in bed tonight and couldn't sleep because I have an uneasiness in my stomach about my trust for her. I guess that's not a good start. I'm going to give it a shot but so far... not so good.
welikeincrowds Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 This does NOT mean I'm planning on marrying her...FAR from it. I'm more hesitant on that now than I was before. If she thought it was going to push my hand in marriage it did the opposite. This is why it is impossible to order to someone to "Be spontaneous". One cannot coerce free will. Something to think about, isn't it? I'm very glad you are deciding to chew on this for a while, as you put it. I think that's a good idea.
thatone Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 One cannot coerce free will. hasn't stopped the church from trying for thousands of years. you have to know in the back of your mind that she has all her friends and family that will justify what she does. you are the only voice on your side. it's you against her whole world. this is why religion is a deal breaker.
Joe Normal Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 Dude. A woman that admits that sex and love are exclusive. That's a keeper! That means you can love her and have sex with other women. Great advice! OP, just tell her this, she will either have to admit her BS, or have sex with you. Can't lose. P.S. yes you should dump her. Your views and feelings don't matter, all that matters is what is the right course of action.
spiderowl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I was laying in bed tonight and couldn't sleep because I have an uneasiness in my stomach about my trust for her. I guess that's not a good start. I'm going to give it a shot but so far... not so good. This seems important. What don't you trust about her?
Feelsgoodman Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I don't want to actually break up with her. I know everyone says do it, but I can't and probably won't. I love her. The most I can hope for in this is to gain an upper hand somehow. I already know what you're all going to say but at the end of the day, I have to do what I feel. Still, I'd like to hear your perspective. Why do you want to hear our perspective if you've already made up your mind? If you stay with this woman, she will ruin your life. She'd back down temporarily and let you f*ck her a few times and than it'll be back to the same religious bullsh*t guilt trip mindf*ck. Do you really want to put yourself through this? By the way, the whole 'religious beliefs' thing is just an excuse. If she genuinely believed in no sex before marriage, she would not have had sex with you in the first place. And in any event, it's not like she can unvirgin herself, so what does it matter now? The truth is that she is using sex to manipulate you, and religion is just an excuse. I'm willing to bet that you are not the first guy she opened her legs for only to later rediscover her religious beliefs. It's a pretty cheap ploy and you have fallen for it like a total sucker.
thatone Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 This seems important. What don't you trust about her? ummm, i'm guessing the fact that she can change her mind about anything at any given time and use her religion as a crutch to justify herself. last time i checked the idea of religion was to live you own life by a certain set of principles, not force other people to while you do what you want.
johan Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 ...last time i checked... Just curious... When was that?
Lucky_One Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 So what happened to the breaking up with her because of the non-orgasming/no oral sex issue?
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