THN Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 We are together for 9 years. We were high school lovers and after that we decided to move in together. Now I am 25 and she is 24. Last year in August we had the civil wedding and this year in September we had planned the rest of the wedding (religious + party). 2 years ago, we had a tough moment; we cancelled our first planned wedding. I became a very unsure person, always doubting the fact that she loves me, always when we had a fight I was ending in crying and blaming myself all the time and much more were wrong – generally all coming from the insecure me. She felt that I can’t handle myself or anything else since we moved in together (she felt she has to do everything) and we agreed that it’s not a good moment for wedding. I realized then that I’m not the man I want to be and I can’t continue on that path. I went to counseling, toughened up myself, got another vision about life and felt for the first time like a new man. And yes, I’ve done it for myself but for our relationship too – I realized how much I love her. Changes came soon and she absolutely loved the new me. We gave a new chance for our relationship. Time passed, all going ok and we had the civil wedding last year in August. Since then problems appeared: money problems, communication problems, sex problems appeared again (rarely having sex). I loved and love her more than words and feel that I got myself so wrapped up in all the problems with the job, bills and so on that I forgot to show her my love the way she deserved. I also became a part of a routine and forgot to enjoy life as it should. I was attentive from time to time (a rose, a bubble bath etc.), near her when she needed a friend, cuddling, had good time together – it wasn’t perfect, but I thought love will keep us united no matter how hard it is. In the last 3 months I felt her more distant, wanting to talk less about her problems at work or any other kind of problems, not so implicated in the preparations for our wedding party. The problem is that I didn’t realize what was wrong then. I realize this now, looking back. It was the middle of May when we had a fight about money. I didn’t trusted her regarding the use of a certain sum of money (I thought she used them for something else and was hiding that from me) - but I was wrong - and never accused her of deceiving me until then. That was the catalyst for her. She was angry with me almost all time after that. I apologized – didn’t matter; she left for a week to visit her parents – when she came back still mad. I was beginning to be unsure and afraid again. I didn’t know how to react anymore and my confident self disappeared – agony and a part of the old me was back again. Had one episode of despair in one night and tried to provoke her to speak with me (giving me the silent treatment all this time) but failed and I just began crying and couldn’t stop – it was awful. The next morning I felt that I was deep down in the abyss of despair and back. She spent more and more time with her friends – getting home late into the night - (but always telling me before she’s going to be late). I had moments when I thought she was cheating me, but I never accused her of this - I believed and still believe it was all in my head and consequence of insecurity. We had a talk and she told me that I wasn’t there for her, that she felt invisible, not trusted and not loved. She pointed all the negative things she could find in me and our relationship ignoring completely the good parts. She told me that she doesn’t know what she feels and wants anymore. I told her that I love her and that I never wanted for her to feel that way, I always tried to be there for her. I asked why she didn’t tell me anything before and let all this pile up. She said that after 9 years I should know what she needs. I believed she was happy, but I was so wrong. I cried that night. A month ago she moved to one of her friends. Since then she came back from time to time only to take some things. I became desperate of losing her. Became pushy and tried a lot of romantic things: flowers, surprises but nothing worked. I was losing patience some time: sending text messages constantly, phoning her – begging her to come back, telling her how much I miss her and that I love her greatly and I will change, that our marriage can be different if we want it to work out. A week ago told me that she wants to move out and stay alone. She told me that she wants the rest of the wedding (religious + party) cancelled. I asked her if she feels anything for me anymore. She didn’t give a direct answer. I told her that I will respect her decisions but I will not give up fighting for her. I was thinking the worst case scenario… I did the mistake to ask her: “If you don’t love me anymore look into my eyes and just tell me” – she said she is afraid to do that because she is afraid of how I will react. She said that I am right, it needs two to make things work out. I felt that she is just giving up. When I asked her if she wants to divorce she said that I’m going too far. After that talk I sent her some text messages telling her I don’t want to lose her and asking her if she really doesn’t feel anything anymore for me, if she really doesn’t miss anything from what we had, if she won’t be sorry and so on. I tried to call her. Like always, no answer. I realized I was just repeating myself and insisting so much its bothering her. Took a good look into the mirror and realized I’ve been a crybaby again in the last weeks. I realized that I was looking at the insecure man from 2 years ago, and that’s just not me. That scared me and was my catalyst. I quitted harassing her with text messages and calls – that’s no way to show respect and love. We met for a couple of minutes a few days ago. Told me that she searched and found a place to stay and I should do that too (currently we stay in a flat, not ours - we pay rent – I can’t handle paying it all alone). I told her that I realized I wasn’t also a good friend for her and let her down when she needed more understanding. And that I know that things I’ve said and done at some point (or things that I haven’t said or done), made her suffer. She told nothing and she left. I know her. If she’s decided to do something she will do it. She rarely admits she is wrong, and rarely changes her mind on something. She is kind of an inflexible person regarding these things. We talked at the phone 2 days ago for a couple of minutes. She is decided to leave. We agreed that we’ll meet Sunday morning to talk. I asked myself all day what to ask and tell her when we’ll meet. It’s going to be painful for me. I’m thinking to tell her I understand that she wants to move out and be alone (for how much I don’t know). I feel that it’s a way in which I can show my respect for her and my love. She was always an independent person, not liking to rely on nobody. She had a tough childhood, having to take care of everything and everyone all the time. And I haven’t made it easy for her either, all this years. I feel that she wants this badly, to be on her own. She wanted to move 2 years ago also (when we had our previous fight) but decided to stay. I blame myself now; I feel I was selfish then. I should have realized that she needed that badly. Maybe letting her living alone for a while back then would have prevented this happening now. I don’t know if in her mind this is a definite breakup or just wants some time with herself and to see how it is to life on your own… I want to ask her why she wants to move alone. I always assumed why she wants this, but never got a straight answer from her. She just told me: “I’m fine like this. I want to stay alone”. Never told me if she needs time to find out what she really feels and wants or if she just wants out the relationship forever. Is it a good idea to ask this now? I want to ask her where I stand now in her eyes. Does she feel anything for me anymore? Do I have a chance to win her heart back? What does she feel about our marriage? She just wants to move alone or wants divorce? Is it a good idea to ask these things now? I really don’t want to f**k this up more than it already is. I want a chance to win her back. I really miss her. I miss all that we had together, all the moments we shared. I miss her voice, her smile. I miss all the things that made me fall in love with her. I think about her all day and it’s hard to concentrate on my work or anything else. Everyday I come back home, I have a moment when I imagine that she’ll be there waiting for me when I’ll open the door, me hugging her and kissing her lips. Or when I wake up in the morning and for a second I believe she’s next to me, but I’m all alone in the bed. It hurts so much! She’s the woman I’m in love and I would do anything to make her happy. I do feel that in her heart maybe it’s not the flame it use to be, but a spark it’s there and if I could only light up the fire again. I don’t want to lose her forever. I would really like to at least have a chance to try to make her fall in love with me again and fight for what I feel and believe in. We had so many special and beautiful moments. I want to show her that these moments could be again. But I also feel that now it’s not the moment and it’s something else she needs: time, patience and understanding. I really hope it’s this and it’s not the end from her point of view. In the last days I really tried to be as rational as I can be – and not emotional. I have moments, like this when I just let it go for a moment. I’m afraid that being emotional will cloud my judgment and make me say something or take decisions that I’ll regret later. Also, I try to take care of me the same way I did until now and rebuild my confidence – I need this for whatever is waiting for me in the future. I love her greatly. No, let me put it in another way: I haven’t been the best husband, but I am in love with her and I don’t want to lose her. But I can’t force her to stay either. All I always wanted is for her to be happy, but it hurts to know that I couldn’t make her happy and feel loved until now. I believe with all my heart that we can be happy together, but I wander if I’m the only one that believes in that anymore… I really need some advice in this situation, please help !
Eddie Edirol Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 You got married to young, and she feels it. She was selfish and couldnt work out the problems with you, she just let herself get turned off by you bieng less romantic. I could speculate all day as to why she doesnt want to be with you, but theres no point putting possibly untrue stuff in your head. Just know this. She gave up on you, and since you tried to fight for her,(when she didnt want you to) she wants to be as far away from you as possible. She is tired of you, she is completely tuned off to you, and wants to move out so she doesnt have to see you anymore. Its been nine years you guys were together during your dating learning years, when you should have carefree and commitment free, learning how to deal with the opposite sex. She has probably been done with you for the last year at least, but was afraid to do it. She didnt stay with you because she wanted to make it work, she just didnt want to be alone, and told you what you needed to hear so her safety net (you) wasnt removed. She wont tell you its over, because she dosnt want to close the door on her safety net. but in this situation, she aint comin back. Shes just avoiding telling you its over to avoid you begging for her even more. Theres nothing you can do but disappear. let her come looking for you, and in the meantime, do the best you can to move on with your life. Youre 24, this girl isnt your be all and end all, especially since she gave up on your relationship long ago. Get yourself together, forget about her ASAP, then get out there. You have alot of life ahead of you there will be women out there who are ready to be married and will do what it takes to make it all work. And you will find there are so many personalities that by the time youre married again, you will see that this girl was way beneath you.
SoMovinOn Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 The hardest thing to do is let go... but sometimes it's the best thing to do. It sounds to me like you have yourself way to wrapped up in this woman to be able to see clearly. You have a long way to go before you're ready for a serious commitment. Get out on your own, learn to be whole by yourself. Then, another woman will come along, you'll fall in love... and you'll wonder why you tried so hard to hold on to this one. Relax. It's not the end of the world.
Author THN Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 We met on Sunday. It was a calm, friendly talk, first time when I felt more confident and calm. We smiled, chatted about some things and also talked about us. I asked why she wants to move out. I kind of received the same answer as before: because she wants this badly and that yes, I was right, this idea stayed in her mind all this time since we had our last big fight 2 years ago. She just wants to live on her own – and that’s the desire in front of which all is fading now. Also, said she feels that this road we started walking together it’s near its end. She said that in the last 4 months she didn’t felt like we were a couple anymore and that is also a reason for her decision. It was futile for me to try to argue her, give reasons and underline that she compares bad 4 months with many years when all was better. I said that I won’t bring up about divorce if she doesn’t. She said nothing and changed the subject. She said she does not want to put rules and that each is free to do what he thinks right for the next period. Said that she can’t impose to me anything (including dating other women) since she started all this. Said that she simply can’t request from me to just sit and wait until she figures out what she really wants from life. (?!? – I still don’t know what to think about this – if this is some kind of small ray or hope or not). Also it was a small emotional moment, because she said that she is proud of me that I’m taking care of myself in this period – and her eyes got a little watery (mine too a little) – but nobody cried, we just looked into each others eyes and smiled. I had a warm, cozy feeling for a moment – been a long while since she gave me a compliment. We talked about what we’re going to do in the next weeks, about her plan to move and where she’ll stay and other details. It was a good talk, like between 2 good friends. When I asked her what happened to us that we got in this situation she said she simply doesn’t know. We said goodbye with a smile on our lips. I still don’t know if she leaves because she doesn’t believe that things can be different or if she is not feeling in love with me anymore. Or maybe she just wants to be alone for awhile and try to figure out what she feels and wants – and for me to understand. It’s still a blur for me here – still couldn’t get straight answers from her and know what she feels about me now. I was thinking to just leave her space ad have patience in the next 2 months and try to contact her after that. And then maybe I’ll see if she wants to give our relationship another chance. I really feel we deserve another chance. We had so many moments when we were simply brilliant together and yes, I’m in love with her. And yes, despite it all, I feel and will feel that for me she is that special, unique woman that I want to have beside me and make her happy for the rest of my life. I can’t be mad or angry on her; I just try to understand her. Having in mind how our last meeting went, have you any opinions on advices?
The Great Gazoo Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 I was thinking to just leave her space ad have patience in the next 2 months and try to contact her after that. And then maybe I’ll see if she wants to give our relationship another chance. I really feel we deserve another chance. We had so many moments when we were simply brilliant together and yes, I’m in love with her. And yes, despite it all, I feel and will feel that for me she is that special, unique woman that I want to have beside me and make her happy for the rest of my life. I can’t be mad or angry on her; I just try to understand her. Having in mind how our last meeting went, have you any opinions on advices? Concentrate on you, physically, spiritually, mentally. Knock her off the pedestal you have her on, no-one deserves veneration like that. She's human, flawed and imperfect. Why waste your time/energy on a slim hope that she might change her mind -- because likely she won't. Concentrate on you and where your life needs to go from here; being an individual; strong and independent.
marqueemoon4 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 sorry to be the one to mention this but there might be another man involved, there usually is.
Author THN Posted July 13, 2011 Author Posted July 13, 2011 Yesterday I found out what I didn’t want to be true. She is with another man – a work colleague. And this is happening exactly from the time all this madness started (2 months ago). She was in the apartment to take some of her things. When I came back from work she was already gone. I turned on the PC and when I wanted to logon to my Gmail account – it was her username and password typed in there - so she checked her emails while being here. I just pushed the “sign in” button and saw a lot of romantic and passionate emails between them (how much they love each other and her waiting to spend the night at his place and so on….). And they did more than exchange emails… I’m speechless. I wanted to give the space and time I thought she needed and she cheated on me. And after more than 9 years together and almost a year of marriage she does this. I’m not mad at her. It just hurts as hell. There were signs – but I was always saying to myself it’s just the paranoid me and I have to trust her. Yeah, right! And she was the one speaking about trust and all that s**t in the last 2 months. . Now she doesn’t even want to answer my calls. I sent her a message and told her that I know and to at least have the courage to talk to me. Not a chance… I feel she has no excuse for this – as bad as we were in the last 3-4 months she had no right to do this to our relationship, to me. I would have preferred the simple TRUTH, not lies and deceit. And I was even hoping that we have a small change to take it all from scratch again. Like I said I feel speechless. I never thought it will end like this. Is this the end? I can’t describe what’s in my soul… I don’t hate her. I can’t. I still feel that I love her. It just hurts more than words can explain…
TroyNJ Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Now you need to listen very close.......This is not the woman your married, for all intense of purpose that woman is dead. You love the woman you married, not the woman she is now..You will likely blame yourself, sulk, feel hopless and at times even worse than that. I have lived throught almost exactly the same thing your going through...What you need to do is completely cut her out of your life, that mean NO contact.. Have her served with divorce papers immediately if not sooner, she is useing you as a plan "B" and trust me, she will have zero respect for you. In the short term get her served with papers and whatever you do DO NOT TELL HER THAT U LOVE HER, everytime you do it will remind her that she doesn't love you and it will also make you look weak and needy. I made all the mistakes like begging, pleading you name it, all I did was push her further away, women find begging very unattractive and a sign of weakness. You will be ok in time, it's gonna hurt but you need to go NC now. Do ANYTHING to make yourself happy except alcohol or drugs. Hang in and keep posting.
andyg99 Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I agree with everything you say but let me add one thing and let me know if you agree... yes, don't make yourself look needy and weak in front of them, stay strong... but do not do it because you may think she will see you in a different light and reconsider, do it because it's the healthy thing to do... it let's you keep your dignity... A cheater cannot just be able to walk back into your life becuase they think YOU are different - THEY need to be the ones who change and make amends (yes in the end the hurt party does probably need to change also) to the OP: Stay strong - those of us who have had spouses cheat know where we are coming from, please heed the advice you read here and put yourself first (the cheater is doing that for sure...) Now you need to listen very close.......This is not the woman your married, for all intense of purpose that woman is dead. You love the woman you married, not the woman she is now..You will likely blame yourself, sulk, feel hopless and at times even worse than that. I have lived throught almost exactly the same thing your going through...What you need to do is completely cut her out of your life, that mean NO contact.. Have her served with divorce papers immediately if not sooner, she is useing you as a plan "B" and trust me, she will have zero respect for you. In the short term get her served with papers and whatever you do DO NOT TELL HER THAT U LOVE HER, everytime you do it will remind her that she doesn't love you and it will also make you look weak and needy. I made all the mistakes like begging, pleading you name it, all I did was push her further away, women find begging very unattractive and a sign of weakness. You will be ok in time, it's gonna hurt but you need to go NC now. Do ANYTHING to make yourself happy except alcohol or drugs. Hang in and keep posting.
reboot Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 What's sad is most of us knew there was an OM before you did..... same old story, over and over.
TroyNJ Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 I agree with everything you say but let me add one thing and let me know if you agree... yes, don't make yourself look needy and weak in front of them, stay strong... but do not do it because you may think she will see you in a different light and reconsider, do it because it's the healthy thing to do... it let's you keep your dignity... A cheater cannot just be able to walk back into your life becuase they think YOU are different - THEY need to be the ones who change and make amends (yes in the end the hurt party does probably need to change also) to the OP: Stay strong - those of us who have had spouses cheat know where we are coming from, please heed the advice you read here and put yourself first (the cheater is doing that for sure...) totally agree!
Chi townD Posted July 13, 2011 Posted July 13, 2011 Man, I hate this stuff. Cheaters are like cockroaches, they run around in the darkness and as soon as the light comes on they scatter. So, she won't even talk to you? Fine, bring the affair into the light. I can assure you she telling people that you weren't emotionally available, you were closed off, treated her badly....guarantee it. Call her folks, tell them the truth of why you two aren't together. Tell her brothers, sisters and cousins.Tell the truth to your mutual friends. If they work together, call their boss and tell him or her that your marriage is ending due to an innapproiate relationship between them. Bet ya she'll call you then! Sorry, in a bad mood and your post triggered me.
Author THN Posted July 15, 2011 Author Posted July 15, 2011 (edited) We met yesterday and talked. She told me that she didn't want me to find out this way and that she wanted to tell me about the OM after she would have moved out completely. Told me that the initial idea was to be alone for awhile and move out alone but in these 2 months this guy appeared and they fallen in love with each other (?!?). Yeah right… and this guy appears exactly in the most emotionally unstable moment of her life. What a coincidence… I’m just guessing that they flirted awhile before or he waited and acted at the right time. Said she didn’t felt happiness anymore and that she didn’t knew anymore how it is to love. And that the OM makes her happy and feels she loves and is loved again. It even didn’t matter for her that the last year was the toughest for us (yes, including financially – and that’s why I admit I neglected some aspects of our relationship, always being worried how to survive one month to another and forgot how to just enjoy the moment and to make her feel loved and happy – but that didn’t meant that I loved her less). We're both guilty here: I didn't know to see the signs of her unhappiness and she didn't know how to communicate better how she was feeling. She preferred a new relationship to feel those first sensations of falling in love again than to fight and stick together and try to make things work. I really think she stopped believing in us at some point, and after that falling out of love was the next step. She admitted she just wants to be selfish and wants to think only about her own happiness now. I really feel this is the opposite of loving someone. I’m mad and it hurts even more because it’s not just an ordinary affair. She feels she has fallen in love and wants to move out with him after just a month of relationship?!? And all that we had it’s just thrown out to the garbage… She just throws herself in another relationship right away instead of just having a break for awhile and working on herself. Instead of trying to see how it is life on your own. Why the hell she even married me in the end? When she said “Yes” a year ago I really thought that we will be together no matter how hard it will be and that both of us will be fully committed to make it work because we love each other. When I decided to marry her I was more than 100% sure that she is the one for me. I really thought she felt the same way. I told her that I hope that one day she will realize what she just lost and gave up. And that she will never understand how much I loved her and was willing to sacrifice for us, for her. I really thought that all the moments we shared together in these 9 years created something unique between us and a bond that will never be broken. I really thought that we will stick together no matter how hard it will be in some moments. I was in this with all my heart and fully committed. I acknowledge my mistakes and always I tried to correct myself and to make it work. Because that’s what you do when you’re in love, no? But I feel I was the only one…. I told her that I would have appreciated her sincerity and to just tell me the truth, not lies and deceit. I told her that I feel she had no respect for me and for all our relationship and what we had by choosing to cheat. I really though all we had meant more for her. Edited July 15, 2011 by THN
Surfer203 Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Look bro.. this woman is a lying sack of s***. She does not love this man, she does not even know this man. I have seen it a thousand times, read up on this board. These relationships never last, if that is any solace to you. Either way, this woman is damaged. She wants to live her own life and be with out for the time being. That's unacceptable and I feel for you man. I have been there myself. My advice to you, don't take your wife back once she slithers back. You will only be in for a world of hurt when she lets you down twice. Good luck, keep positive and try to separate her bad decisions from your own self esteem. It's not your fault that she is an immature, needy person.
Tiberius Posted July 15, 2011 Posted July 15, 2011 Dont chase her. Let her run in whatever scumbag she falls for. She will be back at your door soon enough. I have seen play this out over and over. Of course in some cases the girlfriend/wife was swiftly replaced. I think the reason is that SOME women get bored having all their needs and demands met. Then they seek out a challenge or excitment. When they have enough of it, they want all their needs met again. Kinda like the guy that signs up for deployment because he wants action. For the first couple of months he might enjoy the thrill, but by the end of his deployment, when war isnt rad anymore, he is ready for his comfy bed, cold beer and everything else back home offers.
Author THN Posted July 17, 2011 Author Posted July 17, 2011 How did you guys keep sane knowing that she is with an other man? How did you manage to go through that? And yes, this is the case when I still got feelings for her, despite all this. I mean I know they're together, kissing, making love, her looking in his eyes and telling him "I love you"... and just thinking about these things it's making the anger burn inside me. It's just driving me mad !
andyg99 Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 How did you guys keep sane knowing that she is with an other man? How did you manage to go through that? And yes, this is the case when I still got feelings for her, despite all this. I mean I know they're together, kissing, making love, her looking in his eyes and telling him "I love you"... and just thinking about these things it's making the anger burn inside me. It's just driving me mad ! it's not easy - those thoughts creep in a lot in the early days of a situation like yours... you need to: keep busy, surround yourself with family and friends (yours, not hers), exercise, exercise more... oh and did I say exercise? yes, do a lot of that! you have all the tools you need to get through this, wherever you are and whatever you are doing when those thoughts creep in - STOP, do something else... one day you'll say to yourself "hey, it's been x days and she hasn't been on my mind once!" that day will come, trust me...
Eddie Edirol Posted July 17, 2011 Posted July 17, 2011 How did you guys keep sane knowing that she is with an other man? How did you manage to go through that? And yes, this is the case when I still got feelings for her, despite all this. I mean I know they're together, kissing, making love, her looking in his eyes and telling him "I love you"... and just thinking about these things it's making the anger burn inside me. It's just driving me mad ! Its not about her being with another man. Its about her NOT wanting to be with you. You saw the signs and didnt act on them then. She checked out of your relationship probably 2-3 years ago. She probably wanted to make it work which is why she went through with the marriage. She wasnt being totally selfish then, because she stayed with you to avoid hurting you. But she can only be in a loveless marriage for so long, trouble is she didnt give you a heads up. So since she checked out long ago, she was more than ready to take on a new relationship, and feel those feelings of new love, etc etc, blah blah blah. So this new relationship of hers might work out, it might not because she might be just going in for the new feelings and not the guys real personality. But dont worry about that. Learn about accepting that you didnt act on her cues when they were presented to you. Learn that this relationship was not worth saving when SHE had no intention of saving it. It takes two. You cant make someone else see what you see when they dont want to see it. Learn that this needed to happen to you so that when you move on to another woman you will know how to read cues that she isnt happy, and communicate when youre not happy. Learn that you were too young to be married in the first place and that theres plenty of other personalities that will make you realize she really wasnt the one for you.
angel87 Posted July 19, 2011 Posted July 19, 2011 man, we are in the same boat!! LOL we already have the divorce process going foward. BUT the only thing i can suggesst is what Surfer203 & Tiberius have told you on their last replies is what everybody tells me. How can my wife of 7 years and two kids just fall in love with a guy that is special, romantic, sweet, and a angel??!!! i have not idea!! but like everybody says, let them run the pathway that they think is "happiness", but once the hit rock bottom, the question will be, Is it too late for us to take them back after all the damage they have done to us? Time will tell bro
Author THN Posted July 21, 2011 Author Posted July 21, 2011 I need some help: So, from her point of view it’s over between us – or so she says – who knows what’s really in her mind and what she really feels? She told me that the actual relationship with the OM began after she moved out. Said that she would have never cheated on me with us living together. She said that the initial plan was to just move out alone. I don’t know what to think about this, if she says the truth or not – just not to hurt me even more. I sent her an email in which I told her that I know we messed up and many things went wrong between us and couldn’t fix them until now (trust& communication issues sometimes, and sex – we had big problems here – sometimes months without sex since we moved in together 5 years ago - sometimes it was ok– as much as I tried to be attentive, romantic etc. it just didn’t work from her part many times – and we are both attractive physically – we talked often about this but no results and she was very frustrated about this even if I was always understanding and patient – but don’t get me wrong – we had loving, attentive, romantic, great moments all the time – only when it was about actual sex it was a problem for her – I also mention that in high school all was great – we had absolutely no sex problems back then) but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t love (it sure was and is still from my part) and also we had great moments in all these years and that our relationship really was something special for the both of us – that’s why we decided to get married. I simply adore her personality (and also the way she looks) and the way she always handled tough situations. Her simple presence always made feel great and we were a great team together. Been through many bad moments but we remained together and always found solutions to everything. I really felt she is the woman I wanted by my side forever. Told her that from my point of view it’s never too late to give ourselves another chance if feelings still exist between us. Told her that I was a fool because I made her feel ignored in the last months and I am very sorry for being blind in the last months. Told her that I know we both made mistakes and many things were lost on the road, including passion. But lost things can also be found again – it doesn’t mean they disappeared completely. Told her I know that she wasn’t selfish and that love and commitment were from her part too – until one point. I know that she made compromises too and that she put herself 2nd place too when needed. Told her I realize that maybe, she wasn’t 100% emotionally involved in the last months and that’s why getting involved in a new relationship, where she could find the missing pieces from our puzzle, was easier for her. Told her it hurts more that she can imagine, but I’ll try not to blame her for this – because all that happened it’s a consequence of all the things gone wrong between us. Because we weren’t able to see, talk and find solutions for our problems when it really mattered. Told her that both of us feel pain – of that I am sure – either she will admit it or not . And that’s because once we were BOTH in loved with each other (and I believe she still has feelings for me despite all that happened). Told her that for the moment I will not take any decision regarding divorce, because I feel it’s not something relevant or a priority for me NOW. If she will consider otherwise it’s her choice. It’s been 3 days since I sent her that email. Absolutely no answer from her. I don’t know what to do from now on. Should I try to get in contact with her anymore or just let be? I know what I feel and believe in and I don’t want to give up on this relationship so easily. I know she messed up really bad. But I also feel that what we had can still be recovered, salvaged. But the problem is that, for the moment, I don’t think she feels that way. The question is, do I have a chance? Or just let her be to realize by herself if she will want to get back to me or not? Need advice on this.
reboot Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 You know how you can tell when she's lying? When her lips are moving. You need to talk to an attorney.
Tech_E Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 Reboot is right, she was doing this guy before she left.
andyg99 Posted July 21, 2011 Posted July 21, 2011 I need some help: It’s been 3 days since I sent her that email. Absolutely no answer from her. I don’t know what to do from now on. Should I try to get in contact with her anymore or just let be? I know what I feel and believe in and I don’t want to give up on this relationship so easily. I know she messed up really bad. But I also feel that what we had can still be recovered, salvaged. But the problem is that, for the moment, I don’t think she feels that way. The question is, do I have a chance? Or just let her be to realize by herself if she will want to get back to me or not? Need advice on this. her silence speaks volumes - she has already moved on and you should prepare to move on also... go forward with any official separation or divorce proceedings... if she has second thoughts of course listen but you need to keep moving forward... take charge, not to win her back but to get yourself back... remember she is with someone else, do you really want someone like that back?
Author THN Posted August 28, 2011 Author Posted August 28, 2011 It’s been awhile since I posted here… It’s been a month since I’ve moved out alone. We had a last talk at the end of July. Failed to keep that short, got emotional, tried to force answers from her. Didn’t went too well… since then, it’s been a month with absolutely no contact. During this time I focused on myself, my work, my friends (hanging out more with them). Also, I'm going through different kind of moments constantly: sadness, sometimes being angry about all this, thinking about her, us, and what went wrong, what went well. But I think I’m doing pretty fine, considering all that happened. I mean, I was expecting to be more confused and lost… but no, no anxiety, no panic attacks, not crying my heart out (just some tears here and there - but I guess that's OK), not afraid to be alone. In fact, many good parts in being on myself – kind of like it Also, it’s weird because I really didn’t felt to text or call her. I’m feeling that nothing from what I could say now could change something. All what it had to be said was said – I would do nothing more than just repeat myself, and I don’t like doing that. I’m trying to regain my self-esteem, my self-confidence, to handle every day of my life without relying on someone. Also I’m trying to communicate and socialize better – being more relaxed and learning to have fun again. I really feel that in these 9 years, I really haven’t evolved the way I wanted. But life goes on and we learn from our mistakes. I received a text message from her yesterday saying “Happy Birthday” (being my birthday…). I thanked and asked her how is she. Said she’s on a business trip. Told her to drink a glass of wine for me too, for our good, special moments we had together (and there were a lot of them) and for today (last year on the 28 of August we got married). Regarding the divorce, I told her (when we had that last talk a month ago) that I’ll not do something I do not want and feel like doing. It’s been a month since then and I stick to my opinion. Any divorce proceedings should be started by her – after all she’s the one who said that wants out, not me. I’ll just wait till we’ll meet again. No plan, no nothing. I’ll just wait and see what happens. Depending on that I’ll take further decisions.
andyg99 Posted August 28, 2011 Posted August 28, 2011 I received a text message from her yesterday saying “Happy Birthday” (being my birthday…). I thanked and asked her how is she. Said she’s on a business trip. Told her to drink a glass of wine for me too, for our good, special moments we had together (and there were a lot of them) and for today (last year on the 28 of August we got married). Regarding the divorce, I told her (when we had that last talk a month ago) that I’ll not do something I do not want and feel like doing. It’s been a month since then and I stick to my opinion. Any divorce proceedings should be started by her – after all she’s the one who said that wants out, not me. I’ll just wait till we’ll meet again. No plan, no nothing. I’ll just wait and see what happens. Depending on that I’ll take further decisions. you are doing great - personally I would have ignored the text but that's me. When you feel stronger you SHOULD start the proceedings, don't wait and see, you need to keep moving forward.
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