reimeivn Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 2 months ago my ex bf broke up with me out of the blue. He has been lying to me for long time and treated me badly so I guess that was why it was easier for me to cope. After I called him to talk about counseling, and turned out he was partying that night and didnt want me to interrupt him, I decided that hey, I dont want to call him anymore. Its not because I hated him, I just dont want to ever hear from him again, or see him, because it only makes me feel worse. Over the last two months, I have been thinking a lot about "WHY I SHOULD HAVE DUMPED HIM LONG TIME AGO". It hurt constantly at first, I could not go a second without thinking about him and how he hurt me. Now I can control the way I think so I dont get dwelled on the thoughts. I asked myself these questions: Do I want to be with him? NO. Not anymore. So does anything he did, or he does, matter to me? NO. The fact is, love is nothing without commitment. There is only a certain lever of compatibility you can find in the perfect partner, the rest of it, you have to build it. You build it on commitment. You decide to actually love somebody, not just being in love with them, you decide to commit to them, and so you try your best to grow up together and build the compatibility. The truth is your ex did not honor that commitment. Yes relationship itself is a form of commitment. The reasons they gave you are not the real reasons why you guys are not together now. The bigger picture is, what you once had with them are broken to the ground. Something similar can be built again though, just not with them. So to all of you here trying to get over someone, I hope you keep in mind that you can develop feelings to somebody else, in fact, not just one, but several. And the feelings will be as strong as, if not stronger, than that you gave to your ex. You just need to let go of the thoughts that you want to be back with that person who just broke your heart, and then it will get easier. I still cried 2 days ago, PMS maybe, but I wake up and go to bed now thinking about anything else other than the ex. 2 months NC and it does wonderfully. I just want to say thanks to the people here at Loveshack. You guys have been very supportive.
0hpenelope Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 NC: the bad tasting medicine that most people have to take, but would rather not take. Glad to see you're feeling better.
Exit Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Yeah I've been coming to realize a few of the key things you said above. Love goes beyond just "being in love", aka the involuntary feelings that you can't really help but feel for a certain person. That's like.... high school BS, to only love someone while the tingly exciting feeling is there, and then leave when it gets boring. That type of love is mainly just chemicals in our brains. Real love is about going above and beyond that, understanding that eventually the honeymoon wears off, seeing your partner's imperfections and still loving them. As you said, my ex definitely did not love me in that way. We hit a rough patch, she found somebody new who made her feel all tingly when she talks to him, and now that's her interest. I was actually excited during the time that I could tell we were transitioning out of our "honeymoon" months, eager to experience the next stage, to build on our love and respect in a mature way and most importantly, build our future. And the idea of a relationship just happening on its own... hanging out for months on end, having fun together, but without actually WORKING on it, without actually sitting down to talk about things, seems so laughable to me now. Love is something hard to explain, and it doesn't really require any effort on your part just to feel love for someone. But commitment, that is indeed where it's really at, and that does actually require effort. Committing to someone means loving them even when they upset you, even when situations in life get tough, etc. I believe my ex loved me and probably still does because she still shows interest towards me and says she thinks about reconsidering, but there was no commitment, she ran when it got tough, she found someone new. Unfortunately for me, I have too MUCH commitment, I sit here and tell myself not to expect life to always be ideal, that I can deal with what she is doing and deal with her spending time with someone else and that I would still be willing for her to come back. I'm more committed to her than I am committed to making sure she can't hurt me anymore.
Karala Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 The fact is, love is nothing without commitment. There is only a certain lever of compatibility you can find in the perfect partner, the rest of it, you have to build it. You build it on commitment. You decide to actually love somebody, not just being in love with them, you decide to commit to them, and so you try your best to grow up together and build the compatibility. The truth is your ex did not honor that commitment. Yes relationship itself is a form of commitment. The reasons they gave you are not the real reasons why you guys are not together now. The bigger picture is, what you once had with them are broken to the ground. Something similar can be built again though, just not with them. So to all of you here trying to get over someone, I hope you keep in mind that you can develop feelings to somebody else, in fact, not just one, but several. And the feelings will be as strong as, if not stronger, than that you gave to your ex. You just need to let go of the thoughts that you want to be back with that person who just broke your heart, and then it will get easier. Yes!! So true!
Author reimeivn Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 Haa... oh no, I had panic attack this morning when I woke up. I realized that the ex has a group of friends he has been hanging out with secretly behind my back, and that I am the only one that dont have friends and will have to make some next year. But then I also realized that I have some friends such as professors, and people like that which will stay with me no matter if I go to school or not. My ex, on the other hand, is the one who is lonely, and will be left when that group go home after college. And he dumped me for them? hmm, it is very very wrong and he will have to regret that decision one day. People don't change that much, funny enough. The surroundings change doesn't mean you change. My ex was unhappy before, I came to his life, made him happy, then he got bored, he then had problems in his life, but I couldn't help all of them, he needed to do it himself. He chose not to, and dumped me, searched for somebody else to make him happy. (Hey the kind of happiness he experiences is also very shallow right?) That circle never ends. A lot of people are like that, they just dont show you. But you have to be different. If you have been a happy person before, you will be again. I realize that its only 2 more years. I need to to get so much more done, with so little time, and I need to give other guys a chance to date me.
wilsonx Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Congrats reimeivn Im really proud of you, I will be there soon enough =)
Author reimeivn Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 My feelings go up and down so quickly, I find it hard to make things clear in my head. For most of the time, I know that I need to let go, because I need more dating experience at this time in my life. And that during 2 years of the relationship, he has failed many tests. I cannot educate him anymore, I need to find somebody else. But sometimes, I feel inferior, I could have dumped him, yet he did it to me, with the reason that he doesnt love me anymore. I feel unlovable, and just feel like a failure. Most friends of mine only know that he is so childlish he cannot handle a relationship, he doesnt appreciate me neither, but they still think he is a good person in many ways. The way he treated me during the relationship did not lead me to believe so, and I feel like he is a really bad person. I feel like I am going through this alone. And even though he hurt me, and used me, he is getting all the sympathy he needs, and people still think he is a good person after all, still a good catch. That makes me feel like I just lost the best thing that ever happened to me. Mornings are the worst, if i dont do anything right when I get up, I get this panic attack, doubting my own self worth, and feel thrown away, like nobody will ever love me again.
Author reimeivn Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 This is a really lonely journey. Its the fact that most people do not understand how hard it is to break the emotional attachment I have with my ex. Most people think oh just be with family, but my family is not here. Most people think oh just get over him, but their first love was when they were a lot younger than me. Most people say oh why you cant just stop thinking about it, but none can give me anything else to think about. And its the summer, with no friends, in the middle of nowhere. I am really tired of people acting like they know what I am going through and telling me to just stop. Stay away from me then, be like my friends, dont even tell me that they are more than friends, or anything like that, because they can be there for me, they tell me to shut up when I open my mouth telling them I am sad. I am trying my best, if they cant stand me, leave then. I dont have friends anyways it doesnt matter.
Doefat04 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 Hey you posted on my thread and I really understand you. I felt the same...feel the same. You feel like nothing. You say to yourself how could that amazing feeling I had once with him ever come back with someone else. Or if I do feel that love am I going to constanly be remembering that I once had this feeling with her. I am in no way in anyshape to give advice but I found that you have to think about yourself now and just love you. Treat yourself like you did him. Spoil yourself tell yourself you look good sexy and honsetly just have a relationship with yourself for now. I have family and yes they helped a lot but they can only do o much. I feel like I got thrown away because I wansent up to par scholasticly. I was also unfairly judged by her family because I'm a quiet person so I guess I came off as uninterested. Regardless the point is I do understand. I have friends bu they are not the best influences. So I also feel alone. I live in south fl if by chance u live here I can use a friend to talk to also.
Author reimeivn Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 I have panic attack sometimes, like, hey what if after a long time I see him back in school I still love him? Strange huh? But then people told me that when you truly loved somebody you just do not stop loving them in a split second. That is why it hurts me so much when my ex told me that he broke up with me because he doesnt love me anymore. I know it is a lot more than that, it is me cannot make him happy anymore, and it is that he wants to hang out with the group of people that gave me dirty looks that I could not hang out with. When you fall in love with somebody else though, that all will change. I met one of my old friend today for lunch and she told me about how love is not supposed to hurt. And that it is supposed to feel like nothing like I felt with my ex. You know, no insecurity, no humiliation, no isolation. It is supposed to feel like honesty and naturally compromising. It is supposed to feel like you feel toward your ex. SO I told myself, I will get hurt again when I see him for sure, but dont worry, its not the same kind of love anymore. I ll be fine. Everybody is telling me to stay away from him, he is not worth it, he is a jerk, and that is truly the way to move on. If he is with somebody else, and treats her better, so what, he doesnt change as a person, deep down if he could be so selfish and abusive the first one who he claimed to love, he has a lot of issues. I dont want to be with him. So never mind.
TheVSilent Posted July 7, 2011 Posted July 7, 2011 I am two months out, and I am struggling. I dream about her almost every night and it always ends bad. I have been going to counceling and it has helped some, I understand when you say people don't get it because people around me just don't get it, they don't understand the bond. I hope it gets easier.
Author reimeivn Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 how horrible, i only dreamed of my ex 2 3 times and its already too much. try watching something funny right before you go to bed. it needs to be a habit you need to have. go to bed quietly and calmly. i started with sleeping with my roommate who stroked my back the very first days my ex broke up with me, and then went immediately on vacation after that. When I got back I brought with my some new beddings so, it didnt feel the same. I trained myself to the point that going to sleep a certain time at night makes me happy.
Author reimeivn Posted July 9, 2011 Author Posted July 9, 2011 ugh.. i hate this. i dont get angry anymore, i just remember my ex and that he used to be cute, and that he is cute, and that I loved him a lot. all that bad things he did to me seemed to fade away. if i could only not see him next year that would be so good, because he will be a distant memory. but he goes to the same school with me, and friend with a lot of my friends. i guess i ll have to make new friends and hide away for a while. how awful is it to be like me, thinking that somebody is cute, and just hope that he will always look like he did the last time i saw him, fat, slow, creepy, disrespectful, and abusive. i have not thought about him for several hours today. i thought i was doing good, and my mom kept telling me how i saw her exes after several months and she felt no attraction to them at all. i am trying my best but i get scared. i hope i can be like her. i guess i ll take the list out and read about how bad of a person he is. or maybe i ll just take it easy and not think about any memories at all for a while.
SCG_Sasa1111 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 I am going through same thing my ex left a 4.5 year relationship and decided she fell out of love with me during the time I left for 15 days to visit my family in my native country in europe. During this period that I was gone she got closer to her friend from her program who was this guy I knew as well but I did not think of him as a threat at all she even told me on the phone at the time that they were chilling and to me he was not a threat at all because i considered him to be someone she could never be interested in and even consider leaving me for. But i guess thats what happens when your too naive. So here i am now 9 months later. shes in a relationship with him still and whats sad is that when we broke up in november offically during the period of september-october she really was giving me mixed signals as to what was happening with the relationshipp. So one night i decided to see her and to talk about what was going to happen little did I know i'd walk into the most shocking moment in my life. where she would not let me into her house (this was in november of 2010) she told me it was late and she had class in the morning and that we should talk about it another time. I lost all patience and bolted through the door because as she was saying this to me I noticed her car wasn't in the garage it was parked outside and she only did that when she had to go somewhere later. It was 11 pm I just had a soccer game so I decided to visit her because I couldn't take it affecting me so much and guess who i see coming from down the stairs as I entered through the door...the guy..... At that momenttt i felt like I was in a movie. Cut to the chase..I did not do anything to him or her. I had some sort of inner strength to actually hold my anger in to not literally destroy both of them I just took my gym bag looked at her and said if this is what you want so be it. its just sad its come to this. and i walked away. She had tears in her eyes and I walked back home in the cold shocked with disbelief, filled with anger and I could not understand what I just witnessed...i knew if i did anything to the guy it would not change anything. I feel like i came out the bigger person but in the end i got ****ed over hard.... Whats even worse is i feel like i was nothing to her...i was part of her life for 4.5 years we were always together, she was my best friend, the person i trusted i leaned on. especially after my parents had issues becuase my dad cheated on my mom a year ago..and are going to divorce now.. i relied on her for support because her parents divorced as well..thing that is ironic bout that is she did that same thing to me a year later..go figure.. What sucks even more is that we were a mixed couple im eastern european (ex-yugoslavia) and shes cambodian/viet. she never offically told her mom about me because when we got together we were 15 and she wasn't allowed to date and noww that we are both 21... i seee her with her new bf, photos on fb, pics with him and her mom...going to dominican with him...all these thingss i wish I never saw but when you have friends and sisters and my ex's sister ( whoo i am stil very close 2 because she considers me a brother and a role model) who talk to you still you find out these things. Point is i didnt imagine this would have happend to us but it did and as hard as it is i gotta keep on going..its been 9 months i still feeel the emotions everyday but I know i gotta keep going at it. just like you do! there not worth ittt and thats what it comes down 2
Author reimeivn Posted August 9, 2011 Author Posted August 9, 2011 Hey sasa just want to tell you that i am vietnamese too and the women from my country are famous for being selfless. Me myself I never knew woman that would cheat like that, and I am being honest with you. That one woman, she really is not worth it. I have this feelings she was cheating on you for a while but dont, dont ever think about that anymore. Dont find info about her. Dont look at her facebook. You dont want to know more about that. And know that you are a catch, and that a woman cheating on you saying things about her only, not you. It is the reflection of her, and that just shows even more how bad of a person she is. Karma will catch up with her someday. Always always tell yourself that you are just lucky you are not with her. Me myself i think the ex might have cheated on me. He did things that people considered cheating but I prefer not to see it that way so that I dont have to get hurt right now. I am still raw from the breakup. Lucky me until me broke up, he never officially did. So now what he does with the girl is not my business anymore. How about your life, anything else rather than the ex?
SCG_Sasa1111 Posted August 9, 2011 Posted August 9, 2011 yee a lot of my friends were telling me that after what she ended up doing. It's hard to really understand what and why she did what she did because she legit told me if I never left she never would have gotten attached to someone else. I also think it comes down to not having someone there and she just got attached to whoever was there for her at the time. I mean i was only gone for 15 days...she left me 2 years ago to go visit cousins in america and she was gone for liek 3 weeks and nothing happened. SO i guess when she did the leaving she could take it but wen she was being left she couldn't. She would come over to my place during the period i was gone and she would sleep on my bed and cry and smell my clothes. My mom would tell me she was really depressed and she was crazy in love. So how does someone go from that to when I came back after 15 days to being cold and is on the way or process of forgetting about me a few months down the line? It's really hard to understand a person like that. I think it comes down to not having a father in her life constantly because her parents are also divorced and shes with her mom and sister, her mom always worked and her dad lives close by but he is never around. I think it comes from that as well not having a father figure in her life constantly made her get attached to someone else when i was gone. It's sad what its come down to but she chose her path and did this. her saying if i never left this never would have happened she is just trying to put some of the blame on me- when I never did anything to her. It's also funny because maybe after 2 months that we officaly broke up she came back twice crying to me sayin she made a mistake and she couldn't deal with this. and she is like I need to go back to my regular life and she was telling me she would break up with him and in the end she never did either. Only reason behind this i think is because she literally has no one there for her. She burned all her bridges- so to speak. All her friends were against what she did- they all think she made a huge mistake they were telling her this the entire time- her younger sister was also telling her she made a huge mistake everyone she knew was saying she ****ed up completley in leaving someone like me because everyone knew i treated her with respect and i was just the best i could be and the new guy that she got with is nothing even close 2 me. but what can you do - whats done is done. So my point is that even if things are going good with him and her- which is what her sister told me ( she said she called the cops on him a month ago because of an argument) - So as you can see things are messed up between them but shes still with him because she has no one if she lets him go. Might as well have someone than to be alone like she left me right? Ye this entire experience shows me that you really can't trust anyone 100 percent. I gave this girl my full trust, my full commitment everything. I did everything I could for her. and she repays me like this after 4.5 years?? 4.5 years and she does that? if she did that to me. than any other chick can do even worse after a day. What im tryin to say is I lost all confidence in relationships and I just can't find that trust that I had before after alll of this. It's sad but its true. A lot of my friends who were single wen i met them wen i was with her- they tell me that they have learned a lot through my experience and they say this is exactly why i don't get into relationships because you get F**** over in the end. Other than that its been a tough 9 months for me I won't lie. she is my first real relationship and serious one at that. We got together when we were 15 and we spent 4.5 years that was basically my teenage years together. I'm turning 21 soon and I can say that these past months have been the toughest to get through but I am doing better as time goes on. It's just hard accepting that someone can be so cruel after you thiink you knew them...It just shows you the type of people they really are. The fact that she flaunts her new relationship on fb is sad as well. We broke up and not even a month or two she got with him in a relationship. But hey thats life..live and learnn right? Don't make same mistakes twicee.
Author reimeivn Posted August 12, 2011 Author Posted August 12, 2011 Yeah live and learn. Whenever you feel too hurt, remind yourself that you dont know her that much as a person. Its a long time that you were together but it doesnt mean you know her that well. She grew up and she changed, and she developed some characteristics that she didnt have before.
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