MissBee Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Well, I'm not sure it's so much about the neck of the woods as (perhaps) the specific neck itself... You say you appreciate every person's unique experience, but do you really? I relate to OWoman's experiences... What happens to the "few" if you're one of the few is really important, and worthy of recognition, surely? I'm not sure what you're saying/asking... I said I appreciate everyone's unique experience but also look at overarching trends, since I am a sociologist at heart. When considering societies and certain phenomena, it's often necessary to take individual experiences and see how it constructs a larger picture or trend. I have no issues with people's unique experiences or with "the few"....there is a time and place for that to be relevant and a time and place for general trends to be relevant. I am an anomaly in many ways (not about affairs, just other life experiences)...I will be the first to tell someone, depending on the subject at hand, that "while this happened for me...I don't think it is the usual thing". I'm real with people in that regard. I don't seek to negate the common trend because that wasn't my experience. I appreciate OWoman's experience as her own but had to point out that what she claims is so hard to find and almost made it seem like a self-evident fact that it was so...was not hard to find based on my own and other people's experiences. I also then conceded that maybe her experiences and others are so based on variables like age range and so forth. So I guess it comes down to whose experience is in fact the general trend and whose is more of the anomaly. Edited July 2, 2011 by MissBee
cheergirl Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I'm not sure what you're saying/asking... I said I appreciate everyone's unique experience but also look at overarching trends, since I am a sociologist at heart. When considering societies and certain phenomena, it's often necessary to take individual experiences and see how it constructs a larger picture or trend. I have no issues with people's unique experiences or with "the few"....there is a time and place for that to be relevant and a time and place for general trends to be relevant. I am an anomaly in many ways (not about affairs, just other life experiences)...I will be the first to tell someone, depending on the subject at hand, that "while this happened for me...I don't think it is the usual thing". I'm real with people in that regard. I don't seek to negate the common trend because that wasn't my experience. I appreciate OWoman's experience as her own but had to point out that what she claims is so hard to find and almost made it seem like a singular fact that it was so...was not hard to find based on my own and other people's experiences. I also then conceded that maybe her experiences and others are so based on variables like age range and so forth. So I guess it comes down to whose experience is in fact the general trend and whose is more of the anomaly. So anomalies are irrelevant? my whole freakin' life is an anomaly... Should i just STFU? What? tell me...
MissBee Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 So anomalies are irrelevant? my whole freakin' life is an anomaly... Should i just STFU? What? tell me... I'm not sure if you read my post... So I'll just reiterate what I said, since you have taken exception to a particular aspect that was already covered in what you quoted. To your question: I have no issues with people's unique experiences or with "the few"....there is a time and place for that to be relevant and a time and place for general trends to be relevant. I am an anomaly in many ways (not about affairs, just other life experiences)...I will be the first to tell someone, depending on the subject at hand, that "while this happened for me...I don't think it is the usual thing". I'm real with people in that regard. I don't seek to negate the common trend because that wasn't my experience. Again Cheer...I have never said or implied that anomalous experiences were irrelevant...have no clue where you got that from...as what I said was the opposite. The only problem I have is representing an anomalous experience as the norm when it isn't which is why I brought up recognizing whether or not your experience is the norm or not and also me bringing up that when I have anomalous experiences I am straight up about it saying, it's not the norm...but...and continue on to share my experience because it may very well be relevant to someone.
Silly_Girl Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I think the forum in it's statement about what it is about uses the term "support forum", and for better or for worst, the words you choose to describe something, sets the tone of that something and connotes a particular thing. A "support forum" versus a statement like "a gathering of like-minded people"...connotes a very different thing. I go on other forums, but the hobby type forums, do not use the words support and the like to denote what they're about.... I wish you'd have answered the questions. I think they were pertinent.
MissBee Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I wish you'd have answered the questions. I think they were pertinent. What questions?
fooled once Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Another generalisation based on a myth! I wanted PT because I wanted PT, not because I couldn't get FT. FT is the default, FT is easy. FT you have to fight off, it comes at you from all sides! If I'd wanted FT, why would I have dumped those MMs who dumped their Ws in the hope of pursuing FT with me instead of being "over the moon"? When my circumstances and my needs changed and I wanted FT, I got FT. But that in no way negates wanting PT previously, and being happy and fulfilled with PT. Yippee for you! I wasn't speaking to "your" experience, I was stating MYview and I didn't ask if you agreed with it. You can state your view without tearing apart others views Personally, I think the excuse OW use for have MM as FWB is just that, an excuse for their affair(s). I have no idea what on earth threatens them about single men, or why they find it impossible to have an adult conversation with one about FWB to the extent that they will target MM instead. I agree!!!!
MissBee Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) There are lots and lots of people unavailable for committed, full relationships. Married people being the most obvious of course...so I agree with OWoman in that regard. But it is not unanimously true that because someone is single, they are ready to be hitched, tied down, or capable and willing to have a fully committed relationship. Many people are single because they do not want such a relationship....(not every single person is waiting for their next wife/husband or serious gf/bf). Many single people are single because they have lots of other obligations and things they want to accomplish and are in no way envious of those who are in committed relationships. They can and will pursue that when ready, but many are happy as is or with only casual romantic relationships; particularly men. I am sorry, but I just do not have the experience of all these single men throwing themselves at me begging for commitment and many of my peers are free, single, disengaged and childless and are not trying to "settle down" into anything serious right now.... So I am just very shocked at the idea that if you want casual, you best find a married person because all these single people out there are going to try to tie you down into a commitment you don't want. I actually experienced as the OW, that taken guy being more bent on us being a particular way and more serious, than the single guys I dated. I have met single guys who want full relationships...and many more who do not. What's up with all these OW who say their MM are planning futures with them and are in love with them and "it is no different than a normal relationship, except for a piece of paper"...haven't they heard the news that MM don't want that or what??? Someone is lying or confused or mistaken, but here are our picks: Either OW seeking serious relationships with MM are confused not realizing they can't get that because MM as a rule are apt to see it more casually MM in fact are not cornering the market on desiring casual relationships MM are cornering the market on wanting casual extra-marital relationships and OW who feel it means more are being ridiculous The best situation for a PT relationship is with MW and MM as they both have a higher probability of not wanting more I could go on with the various permutations but I'm tired Anyway....again, I need to meet all these single men ready and willing to put a ring on it or form deep commitments, as the majority I meet are quite fine with taking it slow or being loosely bound. So any of you lot who keep meeting them, please send them my way. I think you should also send them to these OW who so want that commitment and are wrongfully bound up with MM who are less likely to want something serious with them. Also OWoman speaks of dumping MM who left their wives hoping for FT with her. Why is it then, or what is the difference I should say, between dating a single man who is looking for casual too and dumping him when he wants more, just like MM? It seems easier to me to dump a single dude wanting more than a MM wanting more or who fell inlove with me and left his wife for me and now I gotta break it to him that I only wanted PT. The former seems way less messy. But to each her own. Edited July 2, 2011 by MissBee
cheergirl Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 I could go on with the various permutations but I'm tired Anyway....again, I need to meet all these single men ready and willing to put a ring on it or form deep commitments, as the majority I meet are quite fine with taking it slow or being loosely bound. So any of you lot who keep meeting them, please send them my way. I think you should also send them to these OW who so want that commitment and are wrongfully bound up with MM who are less likely to want something serious with them. I could send them your way, but...not sure you will get the same response...
fooled once Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 MissBee, before I met my H, I too never met single men who were just dying to get married and have more kids (at least in my case it would have been more since I already had one). The guys I met were wanting a hook up (and one was a mighty good hook up) but even the ones I dated weren't looking for marriage and goodness knows, I sure wasn't! I had just ended a marriage and no desire to ever marry again...and I remember even telling many friends that I would NEVER marry again...and 3 years later I was engaged :laugh: and getting remarried :laugh:
MissBee Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 MissBee, before I met my H, I too never met single men who were just dying to get married and have more kids (at least in my case it would have been more since I already had one). The guys I met were wanting a hook up (and one was a mighty good hook up) but even the ones I dated weren't looking for marriage and goodness knows, I sure wasn't! I had just ended a marriage and no desire to ever marry again...and I remember even telling many friends that I would NEVER marry again...and 3 years later I was engaged :laugh: and getting remarried :laugh: I should take a poll....or look at someone else's poll about the number of single men out there (between 21 and 60) just dying to form full fledged, committed relationships versus those with no problems having a casual one. The higher up you go, I can see them wanting that more...but nevertheless my guess is that the number of men who don't have a problem with casual relationships is not significantly lower than those that want something serious. Or maybe every LS member should poll their single male friends and relatives and report back. It'd be interest to hear.
fooled once Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 FYI - the area where my parents live is a retirement area and my mom and I were discussing that all her girlfriends who are now single due to the death of a spouse have NO desire to remarry, but they are looking for a hook up :laugh: and to have someone to date and go places with. So there are a bunch of 70+ women who have no desire for marriage but are looking for a FWB situation :laugh:
MissBee Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 FYI - the area where my parents live is a retirement area and my mom and I were discussing that all her girlfriends who are now single due to the death of a spouse have NO desire to remarry, but they are looking for a hook up :laugh: and to have someone to date and go places with. So there are a bunch of 70+ women who have no desire for marriage but are looking for a FWB situation :laugh: That's like that reality show about those seniors in a retirement community...Golden something or other...it was ineresting but I only saw it twice and never again. But they were all livng single, fabulous lives, dating around but not trying to marry or settle down either, except one of them.
Holding-On Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 I live that "myth" and "stereotype" everyday....so do my friends and other people I know. So I need to come to your neck of the woods where all these legendary single and divorced guys who want more are.... But seriously speaking, I appreciate every person's unique experience, but I also am apt to see overarching trends (the sociologist in me) versus what happens to the few. But I do concede that age range and life stage may change the game but most importantly the individuals playing the game with each other. Hm. It seems like when you absolutely don't want more, the man will. Possibly just human nature. When I was much younger (albeit probably much more attractive) it seemed like all the young men I dated wanted to get married. I was/am attracted to nice men (my MM not withstanding) so it could have been the men I was attracted to. However, it seems like if you are truly focused on your life a (nice) guy will be more into you. Oddly. So, despite this being an internet forum, it is possible that OWoman is not writing a story out of thin air.
chalkfarm Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Can you only have feelings for a person part time? Can you have feelings for a person part time? No. The time spent together is part time but the feelings are full time. For me, the time spent thinking about him was full time as well. He implied that I was not in his thoughts as often. Hmm... it really sucks to write that down.
MissBee Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Hm. It seems like when you absolutely don't want more, the man will. Possibly just human nature. When I was much younger (albeit probably much more attractive) it seemed like all the young men I dated wanted to get married. I was/am attracted to nice men (my MM not withstanding) so it could have been the men I was attracted to. However, it seems like if you are truly focused on your life a (nice) guy will be more into you. Oddly. So, despite this being an internet forum, it is possible that OWoman is not writing a story out of thin air. Never thought she was...I was simply saying that I don't find it to be true that all these single men out there are rushing for commitment so the ONLY way to have a casual relationship is with a married man. OWoman was the one who said single guys not looking for commitment were "mythic" and since I and others know quite a few who fit that bill I had to speak up about that. I made sure to say that I appreciate her experience as hers, I don't think she is "lying" and I even pointed out that maybe it is age and life stage that accounts for that experience.... So we can all agree that, since I am not writing the story out of thin air, and she isn't either, many single men want commitments just as much as many who don't and perhaps a married man is not the only safe bet for a fling.
cheergirl Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Can you have feelings for a person part time? No. The time spent together is part time but the feelings are full time. For me, the time spent thinking about him was full time as well. He implied that I was not in his thoughts as often. Hmm... it really sucks to write that down. aww, sorry honey... am sending you a hug! I think you'll feel better as the days go by... I've been there, ouch!
cheergirl Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 I get it, everyone's experience is relevant: those who can't find a SG and those beating them off w/sh*tty sticks. Got it...
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