amythan Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Hi, this is a long story but I will try to cut it short. During the last year I have been involved in a FWB situation with an ex-coworker. At the beginning things were extremely good despite I was scared to get hurt. He made everything to reassure me and I was fool enough to fall in love with him. We crossed all the limits and the relation started to be very confusing. Maybe just for me. What it is clear is he cared about me and we always have a real connection and he used to say that if he had to chose, he prefers to have dinner with me than sleep with me. Even though we were **extremely** attracted to each other. Then he moved to a new job and things changed massively without warning or explanation and I started to feel used and abandoned. Sometimes I think I was filling a void when things were wrong and once he got back in track I was not useful anymore. I guess he sensed it because he started to make clear that I should not put too much stock on him. We continue to see each other, but it was not the same. Anyway he was always saying how important I was for him and how much he liked me. Fast forward this january I started to be really unhhapy and again we travelled together (we do not live in the same town) and then I told him that this was extremely difficult to me. He said we should not sleep together anymore and that we share much more important things than sex. But we continue meeting each other and again ... we always finished in bed (because of me I have to admit). He always says that we should not do that but two minutes later we were always in bed. Even sex was not the same. But strangely we were still very attracted. This went on during four months and then - again - I said that I do not want to see him never again. I complained about he not being a real friend and so many other things. He was upset and disappointed, I changed my mind and decided to have a fresh start, and then .... The disaster !! We met "as friends", went massively drunk, slept together and I started to cry and we said the most horrible things ever to each other. I do not know how we reached this point but we were hurtful and mean and then he said "we should not see each other for a while, i need to think about this so do not contact me anymore" and he left. He said things impossible to forget which changed my perception about all this beyond repair but it is true. My feelings changed drastically, and I guess he feels the same, but the idea of becoming strangers is more hurtful than the romantic bit. So I emailed him apologizing and explaining how his friendship means something to me. Even though I have mixed feeling about this. I do not know why I did it because deep inside I cannot consider him my friend. He replied, we exchanged long emails talking about everything and I expressed my concerns about him being upset and not wanted to see me again. He said he is not upset and we decide to have coffee next week when I am in town. By the way I am moving there for good in one month. Now I just trying to make sense of all this mess. I am unsure about what i am pursuing here. I feel my romantic feelings are gone but I still like him and we have something meaninful at least for me. I was extremely annoying and I started too many fights during the last months. He should think I am crazy but in my defense I have to say that I never knew the rules. He decided to distance himself without telling me, and I went to very difficult situations during the last months and I never got the feeling he was there for me, as a friend. I can sense him being more and more detached but on the other hand he always seems to be bothered if I am upset. He tries to fix things and always repeats that we have something difficult to find. He could easily tell me that he is not upset but he is done with this and he does not want more drama, but instead he is willing to have coffee next week. But I cannot help to feel that this is doomed beyond repair. Not sure if he feels guilty, if he really cares or what is his mind. And more over I cannot understand what is in my mind ... Is a friendship possible with this scenario ? Sorry, this is long but some external opinions will be great ! Thanks !!
motive2002 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Had either of you declared anything beyond the FWB? Friends with benefits seems to sound good to some "on paper" but doesn't work out too well in real life. Perhaps he simply enjoys your companionship, and the sex, but feels guilty about the sex part because he's got other irons in the fire or simply doesn't want to commit. I think the bottom line here is if you're unhappy with the situation, it's time to move on. It doesn't sound like it's gotten any better over the 4 months.. if anything maybe worse. If you have needs beyond a FWB and he can't fulfill them... well it's going to be rough being just friends.. especially if the attraction is strong like you say. You may have to make a clean break, or this will all linger on... without really going anywhere. Hope that helps.
Author amythan Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 The thing is I want him as a friend. Or at least I am willing to give this a try but I am not interested in being buddies. I feel that my romantic interest in him faded away after our last fight and I realize that both of us we attached different levels of importance to this agreement. I also know that keeping him around can be a dangerous road of deception and feelings can always be back if we are too close. I do not know if he is still interested in being friends. Clearly he is still around but I am insecure about his motivation (which is not sex for sure). He can feel guilty or just wants to look like a good guy. Or he can genuinely value our friendship. But I cannot ask. Drama should be over now. And despite his words ... umm I do not think he acts as a real and supportive friend. But maybe he just wants to keep some distance to do not give me false hope on this ... I am very confused about everything.
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