what do you do when you don't want him, but you don't want someone else to have him either?

[suzie]

well here is the problem. my boyfriend of two years gets so moody at times i want to leave him cause of it, but hey, how can i complain, i get moody too, don't we all? well then the moment passes and i think i want to marry him someday, then he gets moody again. he is impatient, and complains alot sometimes, like in spurts or something, the rest of the time he is a so loveable and sweet and kind to me. then when i thnk of leaving him, i think how he can be and is most of the time and i don't want another women reaping what i lost if i left him. what can i do? he moods affect me and i am becoming like him, answering with sarcasim and hostility like he does but only to him, i don't do it to others. here is an example, i lost or misplaced some money and i told him about it he says "so who's fault is that?" then i think what a jerk you are, and i tell him too, and he say's well "who's fault is it?, it's not mine. so the other day, he accidently broke the face plate the liquid kind on his stereo, and i said, "oh no, honey, i'm sorry, what a bummer, blah, blah blah. then later i said, maybe i should of answered like you, "well who's fault is that? then i'd be like you. he just laughed it off like i was joking but he knew the point i was trying to make. now like i said, he's not always like this, he is under a lot of stress at times cause of his job, but the times that he is "himself" he is so good to me and i love those times, but i hate the other times and i don't want someone else to have my "special" time that i get. any suggestions how to handle this butt head? thank you so much. suzie p.s. i try to tell myself when he acting like a jerk that whoever wants him can have him, but i don't mean it when he turns nice again. does that make sense?

[Tony T]

It sounds like your life is on an emotional roller coaster when you're around this guy. Everybody has a nice side but relationships are about how someone is generally and how comfortable we can be with them over a long period of time.

 

Not leaving a relationship because you don't want someone else to enjoy the good times with your guy is absolutely insane. Either decide to pay for those good times with the hell you have to go through other times or just leave and don't look back.

 

When you have those thoughts about someone else being with your guy and having to go through the same crap you go through with his stressed out moods, etc., do you worry about them putting up with that crap too?

 

This guy is NOT going to change. He may even get much worse. You have to decide if you can put up with this stuff over a long period of time. You have to decide if the wonderful, loving moments with your guy are worth putting up with him when he is a jerk and a butthole.

 

I think your life will be more complete and fulfilled with a man who is more emotionally together and stable and who knows how to handle stress much better. But if you really want this guy, give him a gift certificate to some anger and stress management seminars in your area. You may also contact some excellent therapists who might be willing to take him on as a client.

 

Happy Labor Day!!!

[suzie]

i understand what you are saying, it is that very roller coaster ride that you talk about that i am sooooo tired of. i am not making excuses but in the evening he is so sweet and on sundays and when we go on vacation for a week or two, the whole time he is a saint. that is why it is hard to leave him. i have thought about what another women would be getting from every angle, the good and the bad, but still it is so hard. i am so confused cause i do love him, we have some pets together, we work out together six days a week, we plan our diet meals, he helps me with my job sometimes, does my promotional planning, etc and i refer to him as "grampa" with my daughter's baby and he likes it. where are you going to find a guy like that? this is the first for me. i also fall into the catagory t of the above post of "dysfunctional family" so maybe the roller coaster ride that you talk is normal for me as well. so what does one do about it? any suggestions?

It sounds like your life is on an emotional roller coaster when you're around this guy. Everybody has a nice side but relationships are about how someone is generally and how comfortable we can be with them over a long period of time. Not leaving a relationship because you don't want someone else to enjoy the good times with your guy is absolutely insane. Either decide to pay for those good times with the hell you have to go through other times or just leave and don't look back. When you have those thoughts about someone else being with your guy and having to go through the same crap you go through with his stressed out moods, etc., do you worry about them putting up with that crap too? This guy is NOT going to change. He may even get much worse. You have to decide if you can put up with this stuff over a long period of time. You have to decide if the wonderful, loving moments with your guy are worth putting up with him when he is a jerk and a butthole. I think your life will be more complete and fulfilled with a man who is more emotionally together and stable and who knows how to handle stress much better. But if you really want this guy, give him a gift certificate to some anger and stress management seminars in your area. You may also contact some excellent therapists who might be willing to take him on as a client. Happy Labor Day!!!

[Tony T]

Again, if you're tired of the roller coaster...get off!!!

 

There is nothing I can write here that is going to end your confusing. There are just too many reasons you want to remain with this guy and you indicate your family of origin may have caused you to be addicted to unpredictable and chaotic situations.

 

Understand, you are in control of your life and you must do what makes you happy. In this post, you have basically repeated your last post...and given many reasons why you want to stay in your current situation.

 

When you are truly tired of the roller coaster, you will get off. This is a free country and you are free to leave anytime.

 

If you feel there are more deep and complicated issues going on here, you might want to seek professional counselling to help you break the cycles that have ruled your life and made you feel you are not in control. Dealing with the feelings and behaviors created by a a childhood of abuse and neglect is difficult, time consuming and requires great dedication. But you can do it.

 

There are many books in the self help section of bookstores and sites on the Internet that give helpful facts on dealing with the issues from a dysfunctional family background.