Universe Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Two years ago I started a band to play songs I’d spent the previous two years writing and developing on my own. I was playing solo at the time and was getting a really positive response from live performances. But I felt the songs I’d written really needed a band to represent them to their full potential. I’d written some female vocal parts into some of the songs. I love female vocals and had always dreamed of finding a talented female vocalist who could play an instrument to be in my band. A great drummer in town already wanted to work with me. He and I had been auditioning musicians for months before we got lucky and found a 23 year old female bassists with a spectacular singing voice. She was fairly inexperienced but very talented, motivated, and had a lot of time to dedicate to the project. I thanked my lucky stars. Within a month we played our first show and it was a wild success. Suddenly we were getting show offers from every relevant venue in our area. The best local promoter championed us everywhere. A very successful recording artist took us under his wing and recorded some of our songs in his studio. A national tour booking agent contacted us and wanted to put us on tour. Everything I’d been working so hard for was coming true. My main goal for years has been to put a great band together and tour tour tour. And now it was happening. I was so happy. I was also in a very beautiful and happy 10 year relationship. We lived together and planned to get married, though I could never afford to buy her a ring. She was very supportive of my music aspirations and was a great partner in life. But after a year of working in very close proximity and high frequency basis with my new band I developed feelings for my young bass player. My feelings were never really romantic in nature. I saw her as my kid sister – or even as my adopted child. She was so young and naïve; she’d been very sheltered socially and had had very few, or no, healthy friendships in her lifetime. I took her under my wing and became a sort of mentor to her. She wanted to be a songwriter and performer like me. She reminded of myself at her age. I thought my relationship with the bass player was harmless because she was a lesbian (she did say she was bi, but had never been with a man before) and because I was not attracted to her. But things got weird. It came out that she was madly in love with me. I made some really stupid decisions and acted in a way that ultimately convinced her that I wanted to leave my girlfriend for her. I didn’t want to leave my girlfriend. But to anyone who could see the way I was acting, it sure would have seemed that I was exiting that relationship. My bass player took her chance and jumped me. I was a total amateur and caved in. Then I reciprocated because I wanted to make her happy. We made out and I got her off. But I wouldn’t have sex with her. I wouldn’t let her go down on me. She was practically begging. But I couldn’t bring myself to go that far. It was hell. I didn’t want to break her heart, but I knew I had to. But wasn’t strong enough. I was weak and stupid and a total jerk. I felt horrible. Dealing with the aftermath was a nightmare. I didn’t tell my girlfriend about it. I decided to keep it a secret. After a month of total confusion and fear and exacerbating emails between my bass player and I, it happened again. I don’t know why I let it happen. I was totally messing with this girl’s head. I was having an emotional affair that was now getting physical. I was terrified of losing everything I had that made my life so great. I had a wonderful girlfriend and life partner. I had the hottest new band in town that was sure to take off nationally. And I had a great new creative partner in my new bass player. But now this affair and these ridiculous feelings were ruining everything. Now I was dishonoring, hurting, and betraying the person I loved most. Then I had to go away for a few weeks for work. When I got back I made everything perfectly clear to my bass player that it was over; that I was going to stay with my girlfriend and that was that. She obviously was not happy about it. But she wanted to stay in the band and make it work. The band was worth it for her. Ultimately the lie proved too much for me. I went deep into a psychic hell and just could not live with it any longer. I told my girlfriend what happened. She freaked, understandably. She felt totally betrayed. I couldn’t deal with the strain anymore and terminated all band operations. My bass player felt betrayed by this (that I told my girlfriend and broke up the band) as well and refused to speak to me or hear my reasons. My girlfriend and I went into therapy together at first. Then we started seeing the same therapist on an individual basis. It was a long bumpy road, but we’ve worked everything out and are now closer than ever. My sessions have focus mostly on dealing with codependency issues and letting go of the band and my bass player. My girlfriend had serious anxiety issues and has grown a lot through her sessions as well. Things got a little rough again 4 months ago when I attempted to reform the band. It had been 6 months since I told my girlfriend about the affair and broke up the band. My girlfriend was against it of course. But I convinced her to let me try it. We did one rehearsal and sounded great – like we’d never stopped playing. But my bass player refused to speak to me and was pretty rude to our drummer as well. She clearly wasn’t ready to make it work. My girlfriend really wasn’t ready either. So I gave up. Things quickly normalized between my girlfriend and I and we’ve hardly spoken about the band or the bass player. It’s difficult for me though. I still want to take this band on tour. We never released the recordings we made. All our fans constantly ask me about the band and encourage me to put it back together. It seems to follow me around everywhere I go. I’ve been working with some other musicians and doing other projects. I’m almost done with a solo album as well as an album with one of the other bands. But it’s not the same. The other band can’t tour. And the solo thing is fun, but it’s not a band. So last week my bass player emailed me and essentially said she’s forgiven me – that she had been shutting me out to protect herself. But now she feels differently and no longer wants to live “behind walls”. She no longer holds anything against me in regards to what happened. She didn’t say any more. She didn’t say whether or not she wanted me to get back to her or if she wanted to start the band again. At first it felt good to get closure with her. I had felt so guilty not only for the pain I caused to my girlfriend – but I also felt a lot of guilt about how my actions confused and mislead my bass player. So her email meant a lot to me. But the longer I live with it, I can’t help but wonder if she wants to reconnect and put the band back together. I have tried and tried to let this band go. But a big part of me just can’t. A big part of me has been waiting it out until everyone’s wounds heal enough that we can get it going again. This email tells me that her wounds have healed significantly. But now there’s the matter of my girlfriend. My therapist says my girlfriend will probably never be ok with me working with my bass player again. But so far I haven’t been able to accept that. I want to call up the bass player and see where she’s really at with it – see if she thinks she can work with me again and if that’s what she wants. But I don’t want to go behind my girlfriend’s back. On the flip side, I don’t want to put my girlfriend through the discomfort of my trying to put the band together again only to find out the bass player isn’t game for it. I’ve been trying so hard to let go of this band. But I’m just blocked. I know this band could be a major success. I feel the world deserves to hear it. I know I can work with the bass player again without developing “feelings” again. In the off chance that I did develop feelings I’m confident that I could deal with them appropriately. I know I want to be with my girlfriend forever. I want to have kids with her and continue building a life together. But I just can’t face the future without this band in it somewhere. Why is my situation so impossible?
Forever Learning Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) mine will probably not be your best answer but I'll throw my hat in the ring and give it a go anyway. i should preface this and say you musicians are a different breed entirely. so goddamn romantic and sensual. whenever you fellas broke my heart, its always felt like a steamroller ploughed me over, threw it in reverse, and ploughed me over some more. good times!! lol first step, buy your girlfriend a ring for God sake's. doesnt have to be expensive, its more symbolic at this point of your sincerety in wanting to marry her. and do marry her, if you are indeed serious and truly have your act together now. your girlfriend knows that you live and breathe your music, without it you will just shrivel up and die, I know. can you find another female bass player? maybe take your girlfriend back to the therapist and discuss reforming the band with the therapist present to hear both sides of the discussion. maybe that would re-assure your girlfriend that reforming the band is on the up and up and only professional this time around. ultimately, how would you feel if the tables were turned and your girlfriend messed with some male bassist if she (your girlfriend) had a band? I dont think you would want that bassist to be in her (your girlfriend's) band ever again...... in the long run it could be the nail in the coffin for your relationship, unless your girlfriend comes to feel safe enough to trust you with working with this bassist again. Personally, if I were your girlfriend, I would not want to have to live through any more agony with the situation, I would demand you find another bassist. All the best to you. Edited July 2, 2011 by Forever Learning
FNClassyTattooGirl Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 musicians are the best of the best in my opinion ive had a few come along in my life only seriously dated one. he was the best thing that ever happened to me..but then kinda the same situation happened with me...he went off with his lead singer...i forgave him but then 6 months later i went off with yet another musician and did what he did to me to him(hopefully u get what i mean) so we were even we were together for another 6 months but we were always fighting and now we dont speak on one another it really sucks. but yess buy ur gf a ring and marry her thatll prove to her your totally committed to her and wanna spend ur life with her. and yes look for another bassist maybe youll find one out there thats just as good if not better then youre female one
Author Universe Posted July 20, 2011 Author Posted July 20, 2011 Well - I found out a couple days ago that my bass player is moving away - to the other side of the country. I was devastated when I found out. I thought I was over it. I thought I was ok with the idea of the band never getting back together. But hearing that news just stirred everything back to the surface. I wrote her an email telling her that I'd like to see her before she leaves. I haven't seen her in 4 months. I wanted to see for myself what the deal really was - if she was really moving, why she was moving, what her true position was in relationship to me and the band, if I will ever see her again,... and maybe - just maybe - if she'd be interested in coming into my studio to record one last song together. I didn't say anything about this in my email to her. I just asked if she would want to see me before she goes. I also wrote an email to a friend expressing my devastation and confusion over the news that my bass player was moving. I didn't really have a chance to say anything to my girlfriend about it, but also didn't plan to actively keep it a secret. But she sensed some weirdness in me and logged into my email and read everything. She was super upset about what I said to my friend about being devestated - and it appears now that I've erased the entire past year of work we've done healing from the affair and moving on. I don't know what's the matter with me. I'm ok letting it go. I can let her go. I can let the band go. But I can't feel ok with putting the word "never" next to either of those. I can't deal with the idea of NEVER seeing her again. I can't deal with the idea of the band NEVER reuniting. It's fine if it can't happen now or any time in the foreseeable future. But I'm so afraid of the NEVER. In the past couple days I've patched things up with my girlfriend to a degree. But I've definitely set us back quite a bit, and maybe irreparably. I'm horrified of the prospect of losing her. And I've conceded that I would not see the bass player again before she leaves. My bass player responded to my email by text saying that she would like to see me before she leaves. My girlfriend does not want to stand in the way of what I want. But the fact that I still want to work with my bass player after what happened just hurts her so much. The fact that my feelings about it are still so strong that I would be "devastated" by the news of my bass player moving away - that hurts my GF so much. I hate hurting her. I hate that I hurt her. It drives me crazy. I hate myself for doing it. It makes me want to hurt myself. But letting go of the band and the prospect of having my bass player be a part of it - letting go of all that is driving me crazy too. I know I'm a jerk. I know I'm a fool. I know I'm a drama queen. But I can't help it right now. And it hurts. And I don't know why I can't make it stop. My GF has since given me a sort-of OK to contact my bass player now. But I'm confused about why I even want to do it. I don't know what good can come from it. I just feel like it will give me some peace of mind. But I'm afraid that it might just be a trick - that my girlfriend just wants to see what I'll do so she can see what kind of person I am. Is it really so important to me that I talk to my bass player before she leaves? So she's acting like it will be ok with her if I do so. But will it really? And why do I feel so compelled to see her once more if I know there's nothing really to gain from it? I want some sort of sign - or something to go on - something to let me feel as though there's still a chance that the band could work again one day. But I don't know what she could say or do that would make me feel that. And the risk of it hurting my girlfriend are so great. UGGHH!!
Recommended Posts