Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 Let's flip the script. Imagine you were the one who had a bit more cash flow and your boyfriend was awaiting his first pay check. Say he was starting to resent you because he hadn't been having much fun lately. What would you do, and why? I'd ask him what I could do to help make him feel more comfortable. I would invite him to my outings and wouldn't hesitate to pay for the two of us if that were necessary. I wouldn't let him guilt me into not going anywhere, as that would dissolve boundaries and enable his dependence on me (I understand why he hadn't given in to my demands in that regard). I'd give him suggestions as to what he could do for himself. I would want him to find his own interests, yes, but I would also want us to find interests together, and grow together as a couple. I think that if I were in his position I would probably be more focused on expanding OUR network. Making mutual friends and whatnot. He's just focused on me finding my own network, which I guess kind of bothers me because it makes me feel like he wants to distance himself from me and keep our lives separate even though we live together.
Kamille Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 T, didn't you have anxieties about moving in together? What were those anxieties about again? I assumed it was because you wanted to make sure you didn't come to depend on him economically or socially. How would that be different from him wanting to make sure you each have your separate lives, in addition to the things, activities and networks you share together? Other question; if he was strapped for cash: would you help him out financially at times when you weren't around? Why or why not, with what terms?
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 T, didn't you have anxieties about moving in together? What were those anxieties about again? I assumed it was because you wanted to make sure you didn't come to depend on him economically or socially. How would that be different from him wanting to make sure you each have your separate lives, in addition to the things, activities and networks you share together? Other question; if he was strapped for cash: would you help him out financially at times when you weren't around? Why or why not, with what terms? Yeah, I did have some anxiety. I think it was just about there not being much space and how things would be having to be around each other every day. I didn't expect things to turn out like this. I didn't expect to become dependent on him because I had had a job lined up to start more than a week before I moved in with him. I was expecting the cohabiting to be temporary only--that's what we had agreed upon. Two weeks after I move in, he tells me he loves having me here with him and he doesn't want me to leave, that when his lease runs out we can find a new place together. I say okay, because I love it too. I bring up financial contributions; he says it's unfair for me to contribute anything because none of his bills have gone up. I have to tussle with him before he agrees to merely alternate paying for groceries and nights out. I didn't expect to have to quit the job I had after only a month at it due to health concerns. I worked my butt off applying for jobs until I found my current part-time one. I had a little money left and managed it the best I could. I wanted to act like everything was fine, so I insisted on continuing to alternate on grocery bills, which miraculously were significantly cheaper during that time. I only ever spent money on that, my phone plan, the ticket to visit my dad and on public transit here, but only when I was desperate. I would walk for miles every day I was out just to avoid spending money on a bus or a cab. BF would ask me if I needed any money, I said no, I'm fine, I don't want to take your money. The only money I took was from my dad when I went to visit; it was months-belated birthday money. If it had been for any other reason I would've refused it. Then the other week I admitted that I was running nearly on empty. He again asked if I needed anything, again I said no, I'm fine, I don't need anything. Then yesterday happened. That was when he put cash and his bank card in my hands and told me to use it to do something for myself this weekend, to not worry about not having money right now because money will come later and when it does I can pay him back. I just set it on the side table and I've hardly looked at it since. Before we went to get the bike he tried to pass off buying it for me as a belated birthday gift. I didn't want to let him do that so I reminded him he had already done what I wanted for my birthday, and insisted on paying him back in kind when I can. I have a little less than $30 in my bank account, and $14 in cash. I don't know when I'm going to get paid. But I don't want to use his money. I would rather have not a single cent to my name. He'll come back and probably be upset that it's all sitting there just how I left it, but oh well. If he were strapped for cash, I would do much the same as he had done with me, but with one caveat. If he continually refused, I wouldn't just shove it in his hands one day. I tend to stop insisting on helping those who continually refuse help. Clearly he doesn't. If he accepted help from me I would tell him he can pay me back when he can.
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Why are you refusing his help? Because I don't like to feel indebted to people. I don't like owing people things. I told myself awhile ago that when I can I'm going to hand over a check with some arbitrary amount of money as "my share" of the expenses here even though he said he doesn't expect that and it would be unfair. I don't want to owe him anything. I don't mind helping when it's the other way around, but when it's like this...I don't want to be Miss IOU. On the social front I joined a couple Meetup groups and there are a couple of events later this month that I'm going to attend. There's also my friend's wedding in 2 weeks. Edited July 2, 2011 by tigressA
Kamille Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Because I don't like to feel indebted to people. I don't like owing people things. I told myself awhile ago that when I can I'm going to hand over a check with some arbitrary amount of money as "my share" of the expenses here even though he said he doesn't expect that and it would be unfair. I don't want to owe him anything. I don't mind helping when it's the other way around, but when it's like this...I don't want to be Miss IOU. On the social front I joined a couple Meetup groups and there are a couple of events later this month that I'm going to attend. There's also my friend's wedding in 2 weeks. Does he make you feel like Miss IOU? Is that his intention in offering you money to do something fun this weekend? How do you think he'll respond when you randomly give him "your share"? Edited July 2, 2011 by Kamille
Kamille Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Let me put it this way. You two have a fight, where it comes to light that you want to expand your social circles, do more varied activities and have been feeling down because your resources temporarily limit what you can do in your new city. Among other solutions, he offers an amount of money so you can do something you enjoy this weekend, to relax and uplift your spirits. Which scenario creates more closeness? 1) You refuse the money and stay home, continuing to rehash some elements of the fights. You refuse to be indebted to him. 2) You pick an activity you love to do and go out. Hopefully you have a good time and when he comes back, you get to tell him what you did.
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 Does he make you feel like Miss IOU? Is that his intention in offering you money to do something fun this weekend? How do you think he'll respond when you randomly give him "your share"? No, he doesn't. I think he will be upset if he comes back and he finds out I didn't do anything at all just because I don't want to owe him. It's not like he put me on a deadline. He kept saying, "Money will come later, worry about it when it does. Right now focus on making yourself happy." He knows I'll pay him back when I can--that's if I spend his money, and I won't. Like I said earlier, I just have this big complex about this sort of stuff. I don't know how or why, really. I think when I give him my share he'll refuse to take it. I remember when we first moved in and we had to go to Wal-Mart. He went in to the salon for a quick haircut and I just went to the register and paid for everything; it was close to $200. When he came out and saw the bags in the cart he was like "What did you do that for?" He wrote me a check later and after I kept refusing it he just set it down on the side table and told me to take it. I eventually put it in my account but it was difficult and I inwardly agonized over it for days afterward. I could just lie and say I did something that didn't require any money.
Kamille Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 "Money will come later, worry about it when it does. Right now focus on making yourself happy." I could just lie and say I did something that didn't require any money. Or, instead of lying, you could do something that makes you happy, that doesn't require any money or requires very little money. Reading a book out in a part, with a nice little pic-nick? Pick up one of those city papers and check out some (free) festival?
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 I do feel better now that I have some events to go to and things don't seem as bleak. And at work tomorrow I'll ask the girls there if they want to get together sometime soon. I don't need to do anything this weekend. I think there's some sort of festival downtown, actually. I'll just go check that out.
denise_xo Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) A partnership is just that, a partnership. In the long term, in fluctuates between the respective partners having more or less resources to themselves and to help each other out. As long as it's done with no intent of exploitation, I really think that one has to learn to accept sharing and receiving in unequal terms in a relationship. I've been on both sides of the fence. In my first relationship, my partners made lots more money than I did and I had HUGE issues for a very long time accepting his generosity (because I was hell bent on being independent, a trait I still have). But looking back at it now, it made complete sense because he had lots of money and I had very little at the time, and we were living together as one unit and I was contributing the best I could, financially and otherwise. In my current relationship, I've covered the majority of all expenses for the past several years. That's been extremely hard to accept for my partner at times. But looking back over the past twenty years, what kind of emerges, for me anyway, is that what comes around, goes around. Your partner helps you out when you're broke, later he needs something (whether money or other stuff), and you are there for him. It evens out in the end and it's kind of how committed relationships need to work, I think. My two cents. Enjoy the festival Edited July 2, 2011 by denise_xo
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 Thanks, Denise. I think BF and I need to have a talk about money in general. It would probably help in eliminating issues like this, or at least lessening them.
dispatch3d Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Pretty much. And this is why I'm consistently hurt by his actions. He KNOWS that I have no network here as of yet, despite my efforts. He knows this. And yet he is incredibly reticent, for whatever reason, to let me in on his even once by saying of his own volition, "Would you like to come along?" He had gone out last night because he had apparently "already agreed" to it, after I asked him to just stay with me because he's going to be gone from Saturday through to Monday evening, in NY visiting his brother. Stuff doesn't make sense. You say you "at least want to be invited" yet when it comes to going out you present things as a "go out with the guys or stay in with me" scenario. I feel like we aren't getting told something here. I'd just get more information about why he doesn't want you coming.
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 The prob is your too dependant on him now because of your situation, so I understand the frustration from both sides. He wants some freedom to hang out iwth friends and you are feeling bored and left out. I think once you have a full time job, you'll have less time to worry about these things and find faults with his behaviour. I also suggest joining some social clubs, or a run club or something to meet people that are ouside his network You both need some separate time, separate friends to keep the relationship from imploding from seeing too much of each other.
2sunny Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 there are many things that don't cost money. did you get out today and do any of those free things happening? even a walk, a hike or to a park to read a book? so he leaves access to his money and you refuse to use it - but you still want to complain? i don't have any extra money each month - i DO make ends meet. i DO get out. not everything you do costs money. be frugal with eating. cut costs with everything. and get out and meet people. look into your community. they always have a schedule of free activities. for you to sit home all the time is just ridiculous. walking the neighborhood for exercise and greeting people with a smile is free. you sound like a shut in - and that concerns me. take a deck of cards to a park and play solitaire... talk to people around you. find reasons to get out.
Author tigressA Posted July 3, 2011 Author Posted July 3, 2011 (edited) I did go out today. As I said in an earlier post, there was a festival downtown so I took a walk down there. I hung out for a couple of hours; there was good music. I went to the grocery store because we needed a few fridge and freezer staples and ran into an acquaintance who works there--I had met her at orientation for the job I had to quit after a month. We live in the same building. I didn't even think of asking her to get together sometime until I was already on my way home. But I know where to find her, so it'll happen. I also was miraculously able to fix the front brakes on my bike without damaging them, so I took it out for a spin. Very nice. I have to work for the next 3 days. I'm going to exchange contact info with the girls I met there. I joined a couple of groups on Meetup and have RSVP'd to two separate events later this month. Progress. For the record, I'm not a 'shut-in'. The majority of the time when I was unemployed, I was out for a good part of the days, going to the gym, going on long walks, applying for jobs. I spent all my evenings at home, though, as I had no one besides BF to go out with. Edited July 3, 2011 by tigressA
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