Janesays Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I don't think there is anything wrong with this at all. It's not your boyfriend's responsibility to supply friends to you. You're a big girl, go out and develop a social life on your own.
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Your bf is being thoughtless in his actions to consider going out at that time on Saturday and to then go out last night when being away for the weekend. I think you need to sit him down and talk about this when he is not about to go out or just got in from one of his boys' nights You also need to work on developing your own group of friends - are there any local clubs you could join to meet new people? I looked a lot into joining local theater groups since I love acting but there are no upcoming auditions for at least several months. I've started looking into volunteering, etc...another big hurdle for me is mobility. I still have only my learner's permit. BF has started teaching me how to drive but it'll probably be a little while longer until I get my license. So that's really holding me back. I would go out and find instruction to hasten the process but I don't have enough money for that, and I refuse to take any money from anyone for anything.
laRubiaBonita Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 invite him to out with you and your friends tonight..... go out and when he asks where your friends are.... tell him right now, y'all are them!
denise_xo Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 It's not your boyfriend's responsibility to supply friends to you. It's not his responsibility to 'supply' her with friends, but since he is the local and she is the person who has moved to be with him, I think it is normal consideration to help create situations in which she can meet more people when he already has a social base. When I moved country with my partner to a place where I knew lots of people and he didn't know anybody, I did my best to introduce him to people and to social settings where he could start creating his own network. I think it goes without saying that couples should do that for each other. Ultimately, it also impacts positively on the relationship itself.
Kamille Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 30 strikes me as kind of old for him not to understand why you would want to included in some of the group activities. But okay, I'll go with the premise that everyone needs "guy" or "girl" time. I also think every couple needs to integrate their groups of friends. So... What about suggesting a night out with a couple of his closest friends next weekend? Like, dinner at a pub or something. Basically, as nice as it would be for the friends to think of including you instead of seeing you like the old ball and chain, it's not going to come from them. Solution: you make it happen.
Banker Chick Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I don't see the problem here. My bf is moving up to live with me August 1st (he lives an hr and 1/2 away now) and I would NEVER invite him to any get togethers with my girlfriends. Why would I? If it's truly not couples and is just my girlfriends then that's not going to widen his social circle at all and they certainly don't want to feel like they can't talk about the normal stuff we discuss at our get togethers. I can't imagine he'd want to be there anyway. Why do you want to go hang out with a bunch of guys? An exbf of mine had a best friend that definitely came across as whipped. He took his gf everywhere. I remember they were all going on a fishing trip out in the ocean and it was an all guy trip ... yep ... he showed up with her tagging along. The guys were pissed and my ex said the two of them acted like they didn't understand what was wrong Does he have any married friends or at least friends with girlfriends? Maybe he can think of a couple you guys can get together with. Surely not every one of his friends is single?
make me believe Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 How often does this happen? It would definitely bother me to never be invited. I can see the occasional guys only night, but it sounds like he doesn't EVER include you in anything they do? He KNOWS that I have no network here as of yet, despite my efforts. He knows this. And yet he is incredibly reticent, for whatever reason, to let me in on his even once by saying of his own volition, "Would you like to come along?" He had gone out last night because he had apparently "already agreed" to it, after I asked him to just stay with me because he's going to be gone from Saturday through to Monday evening, in NY visiting his brother. These are bad signs, IMO. Why is he so reluctant to integrate you into his group of friends? When I started dating my husband he would invite me out with his friends, even if I was going to be the only girl. I definitely didn't go everytime, but when I did they were always cool with me being there & seemed enthusiastic about getting to know me. That's how it should be when somebody is in a serious relationship. He should WANT his friends to get to know you, and vice versa. Maybe you could try to initiate a get-together. Say something like "hey I've been wanting to go to xyz bar, what do you say we get a group of people together and check it out?" Or ask if he wants to go to happy hour & suggest he invite a couple of friends. If he shoots those ideas down, then I think you've got a problem on your hands and you'll need to speak with him about it directly.
mr.dream merchant Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 He sees you every day. He goes to bed with you, he wakes up with you. Let him have some damn freedom, let him breathe.
2sunny Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 so he does something you don't like - and you say so - and he keeps doing it knowing you don't like it. you have choices: stay and be angry at him - because you don't get out and meet new friends go out and meet new friends and start DOING things with them leave him so you stop this vicious cycle that causes harm to yourself by being angry knowing he doesn't want to change the choice is yours - pick one IF you don't like it - and he MAY never change - leave.
sm1tten Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 I dunno, I guess I'm torn. On the one hand I think it'd be rather awkward for you to be there as the only girlfriend/only female in the group, but on the other hand I can sympathise with not having your own network of friends to hang out with and wanting to both get out of the house and be included in your boyfriend's social life. Instead of focusing on what he's doing with his friends, I'd focus on building the relationships you mentioned -coworkers, etc - so that you can bring them with you and then you can build a social network together.
alexlakeman Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 He doesn't sound like he's too excited over you.. I , personally, and all my "adult" friends prefer to go out as couples, with our significant others. "teased" about being whipped? Is he a man or a child? As you grow into a relationship, you start morphing both lives together and spend more and more time together; ie happy hour together AND friends vs with friends only... Take the lead and run with it.. Sat night, start getting dressed and go out with your friends, do it again next week, and repeat as needed.. He'll get a clue or dump you...but whey should you stay home when he goes out? Is he the captain of the ship? How long have you guys been together again?
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 We hashed it out earlier. I cried, again. F*CK, I hate crying. I never cry over s*it like this; normally I don't get so freaked out over this stuff but I have been a hardcore emotional wreck since taking Plan B. I have been crying at the drop of a hat. Anyway, he said he can't handle the "pressure" I'm putting on him. He felt like I was being too demanding and self-centered. He said, "Why can't you ever be happy for me when I go out? You never say, 'Have a good time' or whatever else. You sulk and try to guilt me into staying with you, and then while I'm out I spend my time worrying over how pissed off you'll be when I get back. I didn't act like that when you went away for a week to visit your dad. I was happy for you. I missed you, yeah, but I didn't try to guilt you out of going." He said that the vast majority of his time out of work is spent with me, and that's true--we do live together. I can count on one hand the number of times he's been out with his friends since I moved in back in April. He said that out of this group of coworkers he hangs out with that only one other has a girlfriend, and he never brings her along. He said he never invited me because he never got an OK from any of them. He also said that he's not even particularly close to them, and his "real" friends are all far away, like mine are. He said he still feels a bit left out of the group sometimes and he felt I would feel it even more because I'd be the only girl. I think I'm going to suggest us meeting up with the one coupled-up coworker and his girlfriend. He asked me if my reaction to all this was because I don't have as much of a life as he does. He had basically hit the nail on the head and that was when I started wailing. I hated doing that, but I just could not help it. F*cking hormones. :mad: I felt so pathetic. I confessed that it had been awhile since being truly happy and that I resented him and I didn't know what I could do--I'm basically broke until I get paid, and I don't know when that's going to happen, and because I can't drive yet I need to rely on public transit, which isn't all that great here, to get anywhere when he's not here. He basically shoved one of his bank cards in my hand for me to use this weekend, to "do something fun". I refused to take it but he insisted. He asked me why I didn't tell him about all this before and I said, "Because I don't want to take any money from anybody. You know how much I hate that." He said, "You're not taking, you're borrowing. Don't worry about money now. Money will come later, it always does eventually. Right now, just concentrate on being happier. I want you to do this for yourself, and for us." He even took me to the store and bought me a bike so I can get around easier in the meantime without a license. I had refused that at first too, but he said, "I never got you anything for your birthday anyway." That wasn't true, as he had done exactly what I had asked him to for my birthday, and I told him so. I wasn't about to let an opportunity to pay him back be passed up. He said, "Okay then, when you can afford it you can get me one." I said, "Fine." He also said he is going to insist on taking me out driving every evening when he gets home from work, so as to facilitate me getting my license as soon as possible.
2sunny Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 you look like you are at the mercy of him... things need to change. why can't you start work right away? you need to be out earning money... so go get a job tomorrow, anything! some money is better than no money - and pits you into the public - where you can meet people. ask for work, just ask every business you pass. i think it would be a healthier dating relationship if you didn't live with him and rely on him for everything. of course he thinks you are a heavy burden, you are. so get out of that situation and start working towards being independent and self supporting. and go volunteer! you need to be getting out and about!
Woggle Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Guys need guy time and girls need girl time as well. Get your own set of friends and this might not bother you as much.
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 you look like you are at the mercy of him... things need to change. why can't you start work right away? you need to be out earning money... so go get a job tomorrow, anything! some money is better than no money - and pits you into the public - where you can meet people. ask for work, just ask every business you pass. i think it would be a healthier dating relationship if you didn't live with him and rely on him for everything. of course he thinks you are a heavy burden, you are. so get out of that situation and start working towards being independent and self supporting. and go volunteer! you need to be getting out and about! I HAVE A JOB. IT IS PART-TIME. And I have an interview for full-time next week. I started this job less than a week ago. And I never wanted to depend on him. I'm not going to spend a cent of his money while he's gone this weekend. I only agreed to the bike because I'm going to pay him back in kind when I can, and it would be an immediate help for my situation. I only took his card so we would stop arguing over it. Doesn't mean I'm going to use it. Dasein, he's not going out once a week. Like I said in my last post, I can count on one hand the number of times he's gone out, over almost 3 months of living together. It's been like 3 or 4 times altogether. And yeah, I have sulked every time; he's right about that. Woggle, you're right, once I get my own friends this won't bother me nearly as much, if at all. That's something I'm working on. I haven't been like this at all in any of my prior relationships. This is the first real relationship I've had since being out of college. With college comes automatic support system + social life. When you move to be with someone, it's different. Circumstances have just sucked for me over the last few months. I didn't want to be out of work for as long as I was, but I was. I was out every single day for hours, and online for hours at a time, applying for jobs. I painstakingly managed what little money I had to the best of my ability, never taking a red cent from anybody for any reason because I have a HUGE complex about it. My immediate family is scattered across the other side of the state in towns that are dead-end compared to where I'm at now, and none of them are prepared to help me deal. They have their own pile of problems. If I go to either of my parents, it will be going two steps backward. I will have completely unraveled the progress I have made here and have to start all over. I have denied for so long that I needed help from anyone, and I had to break down today and realize that I do need it, and there's nothing wrong with that. My boyfriend already knows this and he had been trying to make me see it for weeks on end. I didn't want to trust him to help me to the extent that he is willing to help me. I had been refusing his help and at the same time openly resenting him for having friends who he very rarely goes out with compared to the amount of time he spends with me. Not very fair.
2sunny Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 you seem to be causing these resentments. let them go. and all the contradictions... he's willing to help - and you keep refusing to take his help. you are a road block. take some simple help. go out to the movie. walk in the park - exercise on that bike. get out more. he offered and now you are not taking what you need... that isn't balanced. when we all need help - we ask - when we ask - we take the help offered. to push it away after another offers is shutting off a flow of energy. a block. i'm not saying go on a shopping spree - just saying get out a bit this weekend.
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 you seem to be causing these resentments. let them go. and all the contradictions... he's willing to help - and you keep refusing to take his help. you are a road block. take some simple help. go out to the movie. walk in the park - exercise on that bike. get out more. he offered and now you are not taking what you need... that isn't balanced. when we all need help - we ask - when we ask - we take the help offered. to push it away after another offers is shutting off a flow of energy. a block. i'm not saying go on a shopping spree - just saying get out a bit this weekend. Yeah, I am quite the road block. I never even asked for help. He was always offering, and I was always refusing. I've been incredibly stubborn. I was in serious denial. I have a complex about asking for help--I mentioned it in a past thread. I feel pathetic and weak asking for it, so I avoid it even to my detriment. I failed a couple of classes in school over the years because of refusing to ask for help. I cry whenever I make myself vulnerable like that because I'm so f*cking scared of it. It's ridiculous. I don't know how that jives with me being on LS. I guess I see LS as 'different', somehow.
make me believe Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Oh, if it's only been 3 or 4 times in the past 3 months I think you're definitely over-reacting. It's probably just the stress of your situation, but you can't take that out on him or he is going to seriously start to resent you. From the way you originally wrote about it, it seemed like he was doing this on a weekly basis or something. But once a month is no biggie.
2sunny Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 and I had to break down today and realize that I do need it, and there's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, I am quite the road block. I never even asked for help. He was always offering, and I was always refusing. I've been incredibly stubborn. I was in serious denial. I have a complex about asking for help--I mentioned it in a past thread. you seem to contradict - so i can't tell where your truth is... so i'm out. and yes, you are road blocking yourself - whether you recognize it or not. since you deny it - there's nothing to suggest since you push away any suggestions that may invoke you to change the way you are participating. you don't want suggestions - you want a full blown pity party. i don't do pity partys... YOU need to get into action and change everything. start volunteering if you want to meet people. help others! THAT will make you feel more grateful to be alive. go feed the homeless.
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Oh, if it's only been 3 or 4 times in the past 3 months I think you're definitely over-reacting. It's probably just the stress of your situation, but you can't take that out on him or he is going to seriously start to resent you. From the way you originally wrote about it, it seemed like he was doing this on a weekly basis or something. But once a month is no biggie. Yeah, pretty much everything that has been making our relationship a no-fun zone lately can be traced back to the stress over my issues. It really sucks. 2sunny, I don't see how that's contradicting. I was consistently refusing to ask for help/take help when it was offered to me because I was in denial about needing it. Then when everything came to a head earlier and I broke down I realized that I should just take it already unless I want my life and my relationship to implode. I don't want a pity party either. I welcome suggestions. I had refused to ask for any help at all because I was trying to convince myself that everything was okay and that I was fine with the way things were and I was managing just fine by myself when in fact I was really miserable. It's really difficult for me to deal with these issues in person, face to face, the way they need to be dealt with. That's why I take them here, and I welcome whatever help I get here. I feel like I'm not "really" being vulnerable if I do it here. Edited July 2, 2011 by tigressA
2sunny Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 well - from your evidence - the way you have been doing things is making him feel like a lot is on his shoulders. so start doing everything differently now. be vulnerable with him. communicate effectively. let him know what is going on with you - and stop shutting him out. managing everything on your own - WILL make him feel like he's no part of your life. you will push him away if you keep doing things the way you've been doing them. he's said he's not diggin' it - so go meet people. do things. just because you're new - doesn't mean you need to isolate - that would make anyone feel depressed and needy. most men hate needy. get busy living. get out and about.
anne1707 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 well - from your evidence - the way you have been doing things is making him feel like a lot is on his shoulders. so start doing everything differently now. be vulnerable with him. communicate effectively. let him know what is going on with you - and stop shutting him out. managing everything on your own - WILL make him feel like he's no part of your life. you will push him away if you keep doing things the way you've been doing them. he's said he's not diggin' it - so go meet people. do things. just because you're new - doesn't mean you need to isolate - that would make anyone feel depressed and needy. most men hate needy. get busy living. get out and about. Totally agree I also thought the bf had gone out more than just 3/4 times in as many months so yes Tigress your reactions to him going out could well be seen as over the top. It seems to me as if you have lost yourself because of your lack on activity and interaction with people outside of your relationship. If you are able to build more of a life up away from your bf not only will you feel more positive but your bf will also probably find you more attractive as you become more relaxed, have more varied things to talk about etc.
Author tigressA Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 (edited) Well, he just left for NY and won't be back until Monday evening. I have to work tomorrow and Monday so that will take up much of my time. I don't know what I'll do today. I'm paranoid about taking my bike out because yesterday to fit it in the car we had to remove the front tire. BF worked on it some last night but this morning before he left said the front brakes still aren't properly aligned. I was and he said I could probably fix them with the manual. I'm not messing with it because I'll probably screw it up even more than it already is, and there is no way I'm taking my bike out with the front brakes not working properly. So no biking for me this weekend. I honestly probably won't do anything besides go to work because anything beyond that would force me to spend his money and I really, really don't want to do that. It's laying right there on the table for me to use but I still don't want to. I know it's the gateway to personal fulfillment or whatever but my complex is overwhelming me. I feel like I'd rather overdraw my bank account than use his money. Edited July 2, 2011 by tigressA
Kamille Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Let's flip the script. Imagine you were the one who had a bit more cash flow and your boyfriend was awaiting his first pay check. Say he was starting to resent you because he hadn't been having much fun lately. What would you do, and why?
Kamille Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Other question: what would you want him to do, and why?
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