tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 BF doesn't go out frequently, and it's not like he stays out all night, but when he does go out I'm never, ever invited. He doesn't even think to ask. He goes out with his coworkers (all guys, I think). He never even tells me about it until at most a couple of hours before he leaves. All his friends know he's with me and that we live together, yet I am never invited to any outings. They usually go out to a bar somewhere. I try to be cool about it because I don't want to come off like he can never go out; of course he can go out, but his lack of consideration in this is annoying and upsetting. I would bet the farm that all his friends he goes out with are single and don't have the most positive views on committed relationships. BF told me one time awhile back, when we first started dating, that when he declined to go out with them one night because he already had plans with me they teased him about being whipped. Yeah, honoring prior commitments, that's being whipped, alright. :rolleyes: I would feel better about this if I were at least invited once in awhile without having to directly ask if I can come and see him look all sheepish and go "Weeell..." If I were going out with friends I would ask him if he wanted to come, no question. Am I just looking for something wrong here, or is there really something wrong here?
RedRussian8080 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 If i was your BF i would avoid you as well. Way too much Drama and mental instability masked in the tacko of insecurity, topped with cheese and red papers.
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Do anybody else's partners go? It might be seen as just for colleagues hence inviting you would not be appropriate.
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Do anybody else's partners go? It might be seen as just for colleagues hence inviting you would not be appropriate. Like I said in the post, I think all his friends are single and that they may not have the utmost respect for committed relationships. I can see not going along to an after-work drink or something, yeah--because that's after work. But when he gets asked to something on the weekend or whatever else, there is absolutely no mention made of me being able to come.
cerridwen Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) I honestly don't think there's anything wrong, tigressA. I understand it feels inconsiderate and/or exclusionary but they're just hanging out with the fellas. Guy time. He'll be up for more teasing if he brings you along, as they're all single and the kind to call him 'pussy whupped." Edited July 1, 2011 by cerridwen
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 I honestly don't think there's anything wrong, tigressA. I understand it feels inconsiderate and/or exclusionary but they're just hanging out with the fellas. Guy time. I guess BF and I have different viewpoints on it. If it were the other way around I wouldn't think twice about inviting him to anything.
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Like I said in the post, I think all his friends are single and that they may not have the utmost respect for committed relationships. I can see not going along to an after-work drink or something, yeah--because that's after work. But when he gets asked to something on the weekend or whatever else, there is absolutely no mention made of me being able to come. Missed the single reference in your OP If it was just after work then it should not be a problem but if it is at weekends etc then I think it would be perfectly reasonable to expect to be invited from time to time. Have you suggested recently that you would like to come so you can meet his friends? Keep it light in approach if you do!
2sunny Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Like I said in the post, I think all his friends are single and that they may not have the utmost respect for committed relationships. I can see not going along to an after-work drink or something, yeah--because that's after work. But when he gets asked to something on the weekend or whatever else, there is absolutely no mention made of me being able to come. why not ask him about the things you wonder about?
Kamille Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 How old is he again? It sounds like he and his friends haven't outgrown the phase where friendships have to be prioritized and relationships are seen as secondary. What about suggesting a casual event at your place (such as a barbeque or a game-watching night) and invite some of your own friends or new acquaintances (make it a mixed group)? I know you just moved recently... How are things going on your side with regards to building your own networks?
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 He'll be up for more teasing if he brings you along, as they're all single and the kind to call him 'pussy whupped." That's one thing that ticks me off. I don't really like that he hangs out with guys who would tease him about that. I know that BF tells his friends about stuff that goes on with us, and if we ever have any issues, they probably wouldn't hesitate in telling him to just dump me or something. Anne, I have talked to him about it. He had gone out last night after he came back from work. Again, not even the slightest mention of me possibly coming along.
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I know you have talked to him about it but have you talked to him about it recently? You are at a different stage in your relationship now so the expectations are different too. When you start dating then not being invitded should not be an issue but once you start living together... I think as has been suggested, you should suggest they come to your place for a get together
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 How old is he again? It sounds like he and his friends haven't outgrown the phase where friendships have to be prioritized and relationships are seen as secondary. What about suggesting a casual event at your place (such as a barbeque or a game-watching night) and invite some of your own friends or new acquaintances (make it a mixed group)? I know you just moved recently... How are things going on your side with regards to building your own networks? He's 30. In the beginning when we first started dating it was different. But he's started going out a bit more frequently (though still not that much) since I moved in. We can't do anything like that here at our place because it's an efficiency. Not enough space. As far as building my own networks...it's been dicey. I had been out of work for most of my time here. I recently was hired part-time and I have an interview for something full-time next week. I met two really cool people at work so far and I think we'll become good friends. All my other friends, like from college, are scattered all over the place. Most are out of state.
cerridwen Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 That's one thing that ticks me off. I don't really like that he hangs out with guys who would tease him about that. I know that BF tells his friends about stuff that goes on with us, and if we ever have any issues, they probably wouldn't hesitate in telling him to just dump me or something. Anne, I have talked to him about it. He had gone out last night after he came back from work. Again, not even the slightest mention of me possibly coming along. Ohhhhhh, I see. So, there's also the small worry they may influence him negatively about you--and that they're not the best influence over all. Hope I got that right. I understand that. Thing is, is your man that impressionable? From the little I've read of him, he doesn't strike me as such. I like Anne's idea of inviting them over and perhaps getting a few of your girlfriends involved too. Right now, he has them in a different sphere from you. Bringing you together might help with feelings of exclusion. The worry about negative influence would best be discussed between you two.
Jynxx Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 That's one thing that ticks me off. I don't really like that he hangs out with guys who would tease him about that. Boys will be boys:) If you're going out with friends and one guy says he can't because he has plans with the gf instead, he can obviously expect to get bullied for "not being allowed out by the misses" the next time, or to have whip noises made at him... for about 5 minutes, that's how long the joke is funny. It's just some friendly banter, I'm sure your bf does it to his friends aswell.
denise_xo Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I honestly don't think there's anything wrong, tigressA. I understand it feels inconsiderate and/or exclusionary but they're just hanging out with the fellas. Guy time. This is pretty much my reaction, too, unless it happens very frequently. I think it really depends on the set up. If the others are bringing partners, that's a different story. But if it's guy time now and then, I think that's fine, as long as he is spending sufficient amount of time with you as well and generally prioritising your relationship. I second Kamille and Anne on arranging a get together - it doesn't have to be in your house, it could be picnic in a park/ on the beach or going out somewhere for dinner.
kiss_andmakeup Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Personally, I'd feel kind of awkward going if I knew I was going to be the only girl. Just as I would feel weird bringing my SO to a girls' night. I agree that the occasional invite might be nice, but I don't really think it's a big deal.
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) I know you have talked to him about it but have you talked to him about it recently? You are at a different stage in your relationship now so the expectations are different too. When you start dating then not being invitded should not be an issue but once you start living together... I think as has been suggested, you should suggest they come to your place for a get together I did talk to him about it recently--last weekend. It was when one of his friends had sent him a text at 10 on Saturday asking him where he was because they were out. I had asked him if he wanted to go and he said, "Kinda..." I asked if I could come and he said, "I don't know, it's all guys, you would be bored..." That's when I said I'd just like to be invited more, at least, because as of now I don't have friends close by who I can really get together with, that while I'm trying to build my own network he could be a little more considerate, etc. He said okay and that he would try to be better with it. Then yesterday rolls around and it's the same old s*it! I'm not even going to bother asking if I can go anymore. It makes me feel embarrassed and desperate, like some annoying little sibling or something. Edited July 1, 2011 by tigressA
P&R Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 BF doesn't go out frequently, and it's not like he stays out all night, but when he does go out I'm never, ever invited. He doesn't even think to ask. He goes out with his coworkers (all guys, I think). He never even tells me about it until at most a couple of hours before he leaves. All his friends know he's with me and that we live together, yet I am never invited to any outings. They usually go out to a bar somewhere. I try to be cool about it because I don't want to come off like he can never go out; of course he can go out, but his lack of consideration in this is annoying and upsetting. I would bet the farm that all his friends he goes out with are single and don't have the most positive views on committed relationships. BF told me one time awhile back, when we first started dating, that when he declined to go out with them one night because he already had plans with me they teased him about being whipped. Yeah, honoring prior commitments, that's being whipped, alright. :rolleyes: I would feel better about this if I were at least invited once in awhile without having to directly ask if I can come and see him look all sheepish and go "Weeell..." If I were going out with friends I would ask him if he wanted to come, no question. Am I just looking for something wrong here, or is there really something wrong here? At least sometimes you don't have to go 7 days without seeing your SO....
denise_xo Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I did talk to him about it recently--last weekend. It was when one of his friends had sent him a text at 10 on Saturday asking him where he was because they were out. I had asked him if he wanted to go and he said, "Kinda..." I asked if I could come and he said, "I don't know, it's all guys, you would be bored..." That's when I said I'd just like to be invited more, at least, because as of now I don't have friends close by who I can really get together with, that while I'm trying to build my own network he could be a little more considerate, etc. He said okay and that he would try to be better with it. Then yesterday rolls around and it's the same old s*it! I'm not even going to bother asking if I can go anymore. It makes me feel embarrassed and desperate, like some annoying little sibling or something. Yes, bailing on a partner at 10pm on a Saturday night isn't very considerate. And if he has a network there and you don't, he should support you in getting one. I still think him going out on his own with his guy friends is generally OK, but this post put it in a different context for me.
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Yes, bailing on a partner at 10pm on a Saturday night isn't very considerate. And if he has a network there and you don't, he should support you in getting one. I still think him going out on his own with his guy friends is generally OK, but this post put it in a different context for me. He didn't go that night because I was obviously hurt and insulted by him considering bailing on me so late on a Saturday night and I had let him know it. But that he was even considering it and without thinking of asking me to go with him....! Argh!
cerridwen Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I did talk to him about it recently--last weekend. It was when one of his friends had sent him a text at 10 on Saturday asking him where he was because they were out. I had asked him if he wanted to go and he said, "Kinda..." I asked if I could come and he said, "I don't know, it's all guys, you would be bored..." That's when I said I'd just like to be invited more, at least, because as of now I don't have friends close by who I can really get together with, that while I'm trying to build my own network he could be a little more considerate, etc. He said okay and that he would try to be better with it. Then yesterday rolls around and it's the same old s*it! I'm not even going to bother asking if I can go anymore. It makes me feel embarrassed and desperate, like some annoying little sibling or something. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know your girl network was down right now. I wouldn't have suggested you invite some of them over. So, you're isolated somewhat. He has this social outlet he's not willing/able to share. You have some insecurity about his friends' influence. And he has the right to have Boys Night. Hmm. (Sorry I'm slow on the uptake). My suggestion is you start involving yourselves with couples ASAP. Are there Meetups for couples? Are there couples wine tasting classes? I believe there are both. Focus on fortifying the shared social aspect of your union, and try and resist bumming him out on this Guys Nights. You don't want to take that away from him. I really don't think you do. You're just after inclusion of some sort.
snug.bunny Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Hi Tigress. I think what you're feeling in reaction to this, is quite normal. I think if you had an active social life, as your bf seems to have, that it "might" bother you less.... I think there are ways around this, as to not appear naggy, and approach it from a different angle. You just gotta figure out what that is...
Author tigressA Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 You're just after inclusion of some sort. Pretty much. And this is why I'm consistently hurt by his actions. He KNOWS that I have no network here as of yet, despite my efforts. He knows this. And yet he is incredibly reticent, for whatever reason, to let me in on his even once by saying of his own volition, "Would you like to come along?" He had gone out last night because he had apparently "already agreed" to it, after I asked him to just stay with me because he's going to be gone from Saturday through to Monday evening, in NY visiting his brother.
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Your bf is being thoughtless in his actions to consider going out at that time on Saturday and to then go out last night when being away for the weekend. I think you need to sit him down and talk about this when he is not about to go out or just got in from one of his boys' nights You also need to work on developing your own group of friends - are there any local clubs you could join to meet new people?
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