Dblock10 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) Hello everyone, hope you are all well and ok. My situation is... that I have been with my gf for 7 months now and she is soon off travelling the world for half a year. What do I do..? I have tried to talk to her about it but it seems like we both never come to a decision, its like she is trying to make me call the shots tbh. This kinda sucks. do we go our separate ways and try and see what happens once she returns? or hold on and try and make it work? the problem is, I have been hurt in the past and I think if we stayed together then 4-5 months later she changes her mind about me or gets with another guy on a drunken night or what have you, then it would break my heart. ps I have never had a LDR and from the stories some people have told me, it seems very very hard and almost not worth it. similarly me saying lets do our own thing etc and letting her go will also break my heart. this is such a hard place for me to be in. Right now she lives about 3 hours car journey from me, and so I dont know when we are going to see each other either thanks for reading this, advice is needed for anyone thats been in this predicament Edited July 1, 2011 by Dblock10
amethyste Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 6 months isn't much at all. As far as I understand, she'll be back, right? So, this is going to be a LDR only for a while. I think you should give it a go, and let things flow naturally. Think of it as a test - you can get even more closer, everything can work out perfectly OR something will go wrong, and then you'll know that it wasn't meant to be. Do your own thing
Author Dblock10 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) yeah part of me wants to do that, but the other part dosnt want to be hurt again, and if something happened on my part or hers then i dont think it would end to great, and there would never be a chance for an us in the future, however if i let her go and then she meets someone else then.. its like im in a lose lose situation because obviously i cannot predict the future. when she comes back after 6 months there could be a possibility that she then works abroad. also our home towns are about 3 hours apart. raaa! why is life hard when it comes to relationships Edited July 1, 2011 by Dblock10
Author Dblock10 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 so bump! question: your with someone for 6 months, and they are about to go travelling. do you stay together or separate...?
madjac74 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 You seem to be hung up on whether she will cheat on you or not rather than the fact that you won't be together for 6 months. If you don't trust her now then don't expect it to be easy regardless if she is on the other side of the world or living under the same roof. She could leave you for 2 hours and have plenty of sex with someone else. Sorry to be blunt but if you are that unsure of your relationship then just end it and let her have a great time travelling the world
Author Dblock10 Posted July 4, 2011 Author Posted July 4, 2011 (edited) well yeah i guess i am being a realist. I wouldn't want to be naive to think a cute girl travelling the world with a best mate who is single, and that she loves the american accent and who hasn't said they love me to not get with a guy even if its a drunken night out.. everyone is human. no one is perfect. I trust her fully. I don't trust other people. I see what you are saying. the six months dont bother me as it will fly by (maybe). one thing relationships have taught me is "things change" people change. So would I be stupid to hold on or try and hold on when we all know life can always start over new I guess I do have trust issues because of my past. I know I shouldn't let it effect this relationship, but you are where you are in life you know? I dont want to be the dude who waits and then gets screwed over and I also dont want to be the dude who threw something away gah this is so hard. Edited July 4, 2011 by Dblock10
madjac74 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 It is hard! Trust me I know. My girlfriend is an amazing, beautiful woman in an area with a lot of young successful single men. It drives me crazy sometimes since im not there with her but im not going to crucify her for something I dont know or that she hasnt done. I say just take it one day at a time...give her the chance to be loyal. I dont trust other guys either. They dont care if she is involved, married or whatever but my girlfriend can handle them and I trust that she will. You are already invested so either way you are going hurt whether you leave now or you stay and something happens. I think you should go for it and definitely tell her your concerns and how this situation is eating you up inside.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 (edited) you know where i'm coming from then, how old are you btw? I'm taking it one day at a time for now. but I still dont know what to do. i guess i "love" her to much to not see her again before she leaves. but I also love her enough not to want to see her because it would reunite the feelings I have for her and prolong the pain. I love these "win win" situations.... even if she did say she had been loyal it may not be the truth. again its about trust isnt it. yeah other guys dont care whats going on. It seems like you have more confidence in your gf than myself. maybe its because I havnt exactly been with mine for ages. like over a year..? thats right, I am already invested, it would be easier to cut ties now and rebound etc to get over her than to hold on and later become heart broken but at the same time maybe if I do go into this LDR with a big pinch of salt then it cant exactly destroy me since deep down I am aware of the situation. all I know is I am very loyal, I would never ever cheat on her. cant predict the future sadly to know how to act now. Your saying go for it as in stay together and see what happens right? Yeah I could tell her my concerns I guess it would be good to know what she feels/thinks. I have asked before and she said I could look but I wouldn't touch.. then if there is alcohol involved who knows!... but yeah it's eating me up a fair amount I will be first to admit that Edited July 5, 2011 by Dblock10
madjac74 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 To answer your question Im 37 and my girl is 33. That may sound old but we both look and act young. We both have kids so we are pretty responsible people not just some college students on a long distance love affair. You seem to have fears a lot of people have in any relationship (regardless of distance). Dare I compare my relationship to a poker hand I have a ton of doubts that its the best hand but I'm willing to go all in. I just have that feeling that this hand is right. I could give in to my doubts and not risk everything I have, lay it down and "hope" for a better hand. There is no guarantee that a decent hand let alone an amazing hand will ever come again and ill slowly dwindle out of the game. Its best just to get that one amazing hand and fight with it till the end.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 5, 2011 Author Posted July 5, 2011 yeah get where your coming from, i am 23 however and she is 21. So I am assuming I wouldn't need to fight for everything I have to hold onto this poker hand. i havent seen my girl for like 2 weeks and its already eating me up lol
Author Dblock10 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) Ok so ive been thinking about my position again. Ive come to the decision in my own head to stay with her whilst she goes. Not sure if this is wise as all my friends have told me you should both go your own ways. anyway, point is if I dont try with her then i'll never know what may have happened. fair enough she could come back and we hit it off, or if i had decided to call things off then she could well meet someone else out there. ive just got to trust her and hope for the best and if something goes wrong then i'll have to just know that it happened for a reason. anyway. its massively effecting me. I feel really sick in the stomach sometimes after reading on the internet how travelling changes people, and hearing how some peoples bf/gf got with someone etc etc. I really need advice now on how to lt her know I am willing to stay together, i guess i need to get her view on it. i guess i would be gutted now if she told me she thinks it would be best to split. argh why do i do this to myself help Edited July 6, 2011 by Dblock10
Author Dblock10 Posted July 6, 2011 Author Posted July 6, 2011 (edited) yeah will do! hopefully we will be having a couple days together soon. dont know if i can wait that long, just need to speak with her on the phone maybe. gah how i hate having feelings ! Edited July 6, 2011 by Dblock10
Author Dblock10 Posted July 7, 2011 Author Posted July 7, 2011 spoke to her a bit more about it, basically she hasn't properly thought about it, about "us" and whats going to happen, as she just hasn't considered it much in her head. i told her i had been thinking about it a lot and i kinda feel like i'm in a waiting game. id rather know whats going to happen as thats what i'm like so then i can get on with things, in other words stop worrying. I told her how I have fallen for her and I asked how she felt about me, she said she really likes me. obviously its hard to come to a decision and she isn't solid on what she will be doing when she comes back but she said she wouldn't make a decision just to keep me happy. she likes not knowing the future as its more fun. and so she cant promise me anything... I told her i trust her but not other guys, she said so what if i saw her in pictures with people I didn't know would I be getting paranoid because she wouldn't want me to feel that way. I said no because I trust her, i just know what guys are like, so i guess if I trust her then thats all that matters. she said she can trust me. So yeah looks like this doesn't get easy even when you talk openly about it. either way i told her how i care for her very much etc. when she said i had told you i was going travelling from the start i said yeah but you said for only like a couple months not 6. and she was like yeah sorry. I told her I wasn't happy with the situation but its going to happen so we need to discuss it. least the cat is out of the bag so some people would say. any thoughts?
madjac74 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 spoke to her a bit more about it, basically she hasn't properly thought about it, about "us" and whats going to happen, as she just hasn't considered it much in her head. i told her i had been thinking about it a lot and i kinda feel like i'm in a waiting game. id rather know whats going to happen as thats what i'm like so then i can get on with things, in other words stop worrying. I told her how I have fallen for her and I asked how she felt about me, she said she really likes me. obviously its hard to come to a decision and she isn't solid on what she will be doing when she comes back but she said she wouldn't make a decision just to keep me happy. she likes not knowing the future as its more fun. and so she cant promise me anything... So is she officially your girlfriend and date no one else? It sounds to me like you need a committment from her but from your story it sounded like you already have it. Either way, committment is no magic force field against temptations. You just have to trust that your SO loves you enough to avoid these temptations. I told her i trust her but not other guys I know how you feel but I think they hate to hear this because you are still saying you dont trust them to handle themselves. Of course guys have ulterior motives (women too) and most of them dont care if a woman has a BF or husband. When my GF and I were going through a rough period we discovered that one of her closest friends had eyes for her and this was a guy who had been saying bad things about me and causing problems in our relationship. So trust me I know how you feel but you have to trust that she cares about you enough not to fall for their advances. So yeah looks like this doesn't get easy even when you talk openly about it. either way i told her how i care for her very much etc. when she said i had told you i was going travelling from the start i said yeah but you said for only like a couple months not 6. and she was like yeah sorry. I told her I wasn't happy with the situation but its going to happen so we need to discuss it. least the cat is out of the bag so some people would say. any thoughts? Being open doesnt magically fix everything and sometimes of course you can make things worse, but you definitely did the right thing by telling her your feelings. She might be slightly upset that you are giving her a hard time about the trip when she is very excited about it though.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 (edited) yeah I hear you mate. Hmm well pretty much all my friends have said I would be better off going my own way and leaving it here before i get hurt based on occasions that have arisen between us that i don't have time to really list or explain here and just for once do whats best for me look out for just myself. ive been thinking maybe we could see how we both feel 6 months down the road etc as she isn't willing to commit to her whereabouts when she is back so I would just be worrying about everything the whole time. what she's doing, what she's been up to, then for example she returns and then says she's off to do what ever i'd be left hanging again... its just no life for me is it. this travelling the world is her freeing herself from any more studying etc as she has now finished university. she is going on an adventure, even if she feels right now like staying with me even at least until travel, as soon as shes "free" and off into the world she wont want to have me here hanging on. she will want to just have no worries or cares. she may feel guilty for leaving me as now she knows how deep my feelings for her are. she also takes every day as it comes, not really worried what the future may hold. the thing you say about "You just have to trust that your SO loves you enough to avoid these temptations." well i told her i have fallen for her and basically love her, she just said she really likes me. so thats like telling someone you love them, and then they say thank you! You never know, i could be the one getting these temptations! however i would never act on them i would never ever cheat on her for no one i am a very trust worthy loyal male. I have had girls hit on me whilst being in this re and ive never crossed any lines nor would even consider it. I trust her but as I say when you travel people say it changes peoples perspective on life and relationships. it dosnt help my case that her mate is also single atm. on the other hand with regards to the love thing, she could love me but not want to say it to me or she may feel even more guilty about this trip and about this situation... ? This is very hard but it looks like its swaying in the direction that we are gonna do what we have to do, we are still young and you never no what will happen in the future, we may or may never get back with each other. it seems like we or i should end it here or we will just slowly drift apart anyway. 6 months is a long time to stay hung up on someone and there seems to be too many 'ifs' I think she is just as worried about leaving me at university than i am about her leaving here please reply its eating me right now Edited July 8, 2011 by Dblock10
madjac74 Posted July 8, 2011 Posted July 8, 2011 If your friends care about you as much as mine then listen to them. But they will not understand how you feel about this girl, they are just looking at things in the practical sense. My friends think I am nuts for being in this LDR even though they have admittedly said how perfect she is for me. Take everything they say and everything people on here say into consideration but dont hang your hat on it. They will be there if things work out or if things end.
Author Dblock10 Posted July 8, 2011 Author Posted July 8, 2011 thanks man. my friend said that, but no one has said we are perfect for each other. my friend also says i should be the man and end it. 4 of them have said it. yeah i should listen to them, they are most likely right. think i just feel when i think about leaving her and us
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