B_R_E_e Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Any advice or suggestions or stories out there about how kids handle the breakdown of the family unit due to infidelity? How they move on, how this affects them. I have 6 and 8 year old daughters who have just been told that there father and I won't be together. In need of serious advice.
2sunny Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 all they really want to understand is that they are loved and have a safe place to be. provide them that - and know that a druggy dad isn't capable of giving them that right now while his disease is still active. be sure to remind them they are loved and have a safe place... THAT should come from you. be honest with them, they will understand things better with honesty.
PhoenixRise Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I agree you should be honest. Age appropriate honesty is always the best way to go. Give them broad strokes and not specifics about what his going on between you and their father. And make sure they know that they are safe, secure and loved.
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Keep posting here and do reading in this section, but i am suggesting you do family counselling to get everybody through this, to help work through the pain and new changes that are going to happen. I am sorry that you all are going through this. Just love them, be there and answer their questions..
Spark1111 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 The latest studies show that it is not how happily married or divorced you are that affects kids, it is the degree of acrimony in either the marriage or the divorce that matters. Kids do not give a hoot about their parents romantic happiness. They just want to feel loved and safe by BOTH parents. Parents should NEVER disparage the other parent, for any reason, in front of their children as courts are beginning to recognize that as a very vicious form of emotional abuse. Stay calm, respectful and polite to each other at all times within their presence and hearing. But yes, parental infidelity can have sever impact on children of any age. Please keep your conversations sensitive to that. When older, if they learn otherwise, get them back to counseling.
Loni Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 A divorce is a divorce. To the kids it matters not if infidelity was a contributing factor or not. I only bring this up because of your question. The children don't need to know the specific reasons and they should never feel they have to "pick sides". I hope you are not planning on telling them this. To do so would serve no purpose other than to make you look better than their father in this situation. Remember that they love him too, and they should. That honest love should never be tainted regardless of what the two of you experienced. And FTR, I D'ed my DD's father because of mental and physical abuse as well as infidelity. I never speak badly of him because she loves him. To try to destroy that love would destroy her. Actually, infidelity does matter to children. The first time my MM separated from his W she sat the children down and very graphically told them that the reason daddy had left was because he had been having an affair with OW and preferred OW and being a father to her children than his own. They were young (under 10). Parents are supposed to protect their children from harm at all cost. It is supposed to be the only true unconditional love.
Author B_R_E_e Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 I wouldn't dream of telling my children the details of my husbands infedelity. That would be inappropriate and wrong. I would never bad mouth him to my children, that would be doing them a disservice. I understand that a divorce is a divorce but I was wondering if the added element of cheating and betrayal played a part in the way the family deals with it, or even how the parents act. Children must be very resilient, my girls went to bed in tears and woke up singing. I know that this is only the beginning, but honestly this was one of my biggest fears: how the end of our marraige will effect my kids. I have faced that fear head on and it wasn't as horrid as I had imagined it could/would be. I am still sad about the heartache that my children are feeling but I think if I had stayed in that relationship it would have hurt them worse.
Kidd Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 What I've read indicates two things. 1. The children will ALWAYS blame themselves. You must make sure they stop. 2. Children recover much more quickly if neither parent is to blame; recovery time is much longer if one person is clearly at fault. Sounds like one of those, "Sometimes people just grow in separate directions..." conversations.
bigmomma1974 Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 This is from my experience of my divorce. I have 3 children who love there father very much. Our seperation was brutual and mistakes where made and it affected our children a great deal. my ex and i continously faught non stop even while we was living together. I was blinded and didnt realzie how this was affecting our children and neither did my ex. after a year and half of fighting back and forth, I ddecided enough was enough and these kids do not deserve this type of behaviour or mental abuse. I apoligized to my ex and he did apoligize to me as well. Divorce hurts everyone that is involved, reguardless of why one is divorcing, this also hurts the children. The only thing i did right in the beginign was inform my children that no matter what happens with daddy and me they are not at fault and we both love them unconditionally. My children learn to adjust to the changes of all of our lives. Just remember to tell you kids you love them, and what happened between you and your hubby isn't there fault. But try very very very hard not to yell, scream,cuss or bad mouth this man around your children. Good Luck hun, its a long road but everyone will adjust.
Tayla Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Contingent on how close knit the family is, will determine how each unique individual child will handle it. I came from a family of six that was torn apart, our ages varied enough that we each "coped" in different ways. I dont think kids are "so resilient" that it doesn't leave an emotional scar. Abandonment issues surface and trust issues are established in childhood, so to say there is no reprecussion is a falsehood. Can they heal, absolutely! As another poster said, guidance by both parents, an affirmation that the kids were NOT the reason, and most importantly they are loved. It was in my 40's that I got the FULL truth of my Dads' treatment in his marriage to my mom. He was not a decent fellow, husband or Dad when all was said and done.
StoneCold Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 What difference does it make what the divorce was a result of? (its none of their concern anyways)....fact of the matter is you split up and this may have an affect on them..period....weather its "we grew apart", or "he/she cheated". the end result is the same. Kids ask what happened.... say "we just couldnt be happy together...." done...you dont owe them anymore of an explanation outside of that and its the truth regardless.
SidLyon Posted July 3, 2011 Posted July 3, 2011 Actually, infidelity does matter to children. ...the reason daddy had left was because he had been having an affair with OW and preferred OW and being a father to her children than his own. They were young (under 10). Parents are supposed to protect their children from harm at all cost. It is supposed to be the only true unconditional love. How sad for them, that he failed them so badly. ...or was this your attempt to shoot the messenger?
OldOnTheInside Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 How sad for them, that he failed them so badly. ...or was this your attempt to shoot the messenger? Of course. It is always the messenger's problem. And never the person who actually did the deed. Unless the messenger has public opinion on their side, in which case, they are a hero. It's easier to find a scapegoat. And I'm not even trying to be snide about it. Often, that is how life is. And it is probably for the best that you don't tell the kids about the affair. Remember, it is to protect them, not your hubby. Feel free to make his life a living hell in other ways, if you want.
Loni Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 How sad for them, that he failed them so badly. ...or was this your attempt to shoot the messenger? You are not going to get a rise out of me on this one. If you are a parent and you f uck with your kids heads to get back at your WS you are WORSE than the WS. He failed at that marriage but not as a father.
SidLyon Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 ...And it is probably for the best that you don't tell the kids about the affair. Remember, it is to protect them, not your hubby. Feel free to make his life a living hell in other ways, if you want. You are not going to get a rise out of me on this one. If you are a parent and you f uck with your kids heads to get back at your WS you are WORSE than the WS. He failed at that marriage but not as a father. My WH was a good enough father to our 13 year old sons, to try to take care of them after d-day. He told the kids himself, said he was sorry and invited them to ask any question of him. They clearly needed an explanation for why I suddenly fell in a heap. Lying to them about why their mother was suddenly so unwell would have been unthinkable.
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