dumbagain Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 ***************Without all the details... My wife is falling in love with someone else, had kissed them, and is wanting to spend more time with them. She was hiding cell phone messages fof months before I caught her. She is constantly lying about not contacting this person anymore. I forgive her (remember I haven't given any details out to you yet) And we want to work it out and not lose the 15 yrs of friendship we have. MY QUESTION: *Do you feel that for us to try and work to save our marriage that she would have to cut ALL ties with that person even if they didn't get intimate and were just "friends"?************
wilsonx Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) ***************Without all the details... My wife is falling in love with someone else, had kissed them, and is wanting to spend more time with them. She was hiding cell phone messages fof months before I caught her. She is constantly lying about not contacting this person anymore. I forgive her (remember I haven't given any details out to you yet) And we want to work it out and not lose the 15 yrs of friendship we have. MY QUESTION: *Do you feel that for us to try and work to save our marriage that she would have to cut ALL ties with that person even if they didn't get intimate and were just "friends"?************ Walk away right now... Im telling you... end the relationship and walk away. I just had the worst breakup I have ever had in my life because of this same exact scenario. Shes cheating, lying and hiding things from you. The friendship is over. This is by her choice because she has and continues to betray your trust. You can not have a friendship without trust Learn from my mistake and the one thing I wish I did when I saw this coming. End the relationship now. Her behavior is the same as every other person that posts about their ex on here. Its not going to change. My ex told me something that stuck in my head to this day when I caught her drunk texting the guy she left me for. She said, if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. That line has messed me up for weeks. This is 6 weeks before she axed the relationship because I caught her with the guy drinking at a bar. Its not going to work because you are not going to trust her again. You can say oh yes I can but you wont. There will always be that grey area where you will question yourself if shes doing this again and its not worth it. Shes lying to you because she is not going to cut off contact with him no matter what you say. I tried the same thing. Edited July 1, 2011 by wilsonx
reboot Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Do you feel that for us to try and work to save our marriage that she would have to cut ALL ties with that person even if they didn't get intimate and were just "friends"? To answer your question, yes, absolutely. They weren't "just friends" and you have no chance of any reconciliation as long as they stay in contact. It should be a deal breaker.
PegNosePete Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 She is constantly lying about not contacting this person anymore ... we want to work it out Well, you might want to work it out, but SHE obviously does not. Otherwise she would not be lying to you about anything, EVER AGAIN. *Do you feel that for us to try and work to save our marriage that she would have to cut ALL ties with that person even if they didn't get intimate and were just "friends"?************ Yes. Any contact would be a deal-breaker. No ifs or buts or excuses.
Geya Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Yes she MUST cut contact, don't accept anything less and if she really wanted to work it out she'd cut contact already.
carhill Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) Sorry to break it to you but, unless the OM is a friend of you and she as a couple and their 'kisses' were in front of you and accepted as friendly, they've already been 'intimate', maybe without genitals or maybe with. In any event, they've had an EA and have been 'cheating' since it was undisclosed for a long period of time. Conventional wisdom and LS anecdotes indicate that your M will not heal with the other person in contact with your W at any level. This has been my personal experience as well. MW's, when they're 'done' with me and have gotten the attention of their husbands, erased me completely. In most instances, I was 'just a friend', but was being used as a marital tool, though I've yet to see a MW admit that. It's a sick world out there. Having seen all sides of this issue, I'd have to align with the posters who suggest proactively ending the M. With very few exceptions, if you're a 'normal' man, once a woman is done with you, checking out of the M emotionally and having an affair, she's done. The MW's I've known who have 'gone back' have done so in cases where the man is otherwise powerful and attractive but was or had become ego-centric or was having an affair himself. If he had been 'average', they would have been long gone. They wanted the lifestyle and used 'average' people like myself as tools. Up to you to decide how your dynamic works out. In any event, figure a good five years to fully recover. Hope it works out Edited July 1, 2011 by carhill
andyg99 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 ***************Without all the details... I forgive her (remember I haven't given any details out to you yet) And we want to work it out and not lose the 15 yrs of friendship we have. MY QUESTION: *Do you feel that for us to try and work to save our marriage that she would have to cut ALL ties with that person even if they didn't get intimate and were just "friends"?************ well let me answer by telling you a very quick version of my story... married with kids, wife has affair, we divorce, she marries the guy, divorces him many years later, has no where to go, I take her and her son (with her ex) into my home, we speak of reconciling because we have both "grown" so much, I'm falling for her again but respect her space and give her the time to heal from the break-up. I make it clear that soon she may need to be on her own as she will probably want to experience being single after a long marriage and when she gets to that point she should find another place to live but she tells me she wants to "heal" and build something with me... 18 months after she moved in and I'm in love with her (and she knows it) she lies about a weekend with her girlfriend and is actually flying to meet her new "man of her dreams"... she left yesterday for her trip, I found out about it earlier this week and asked her to leave my home (and she did - I started another thread that has all the details)... and that mess is what made me find this site... so in conclusion can it work? highly unlikely... cheaters will always cheat, grownups end one relationship before starting another...
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