green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 So I met up with a guy from POF today. Bear in mind I am extremely picky and only meet up these days if I think the guy is impeccable. So I'd been emailing this guy for about 2 weeks and all was going well. He suggested we meet this week which I readily agreed to as he ticked all of my boxes so far, and I was on the verge of asking for a meet up anyway if he hadn't. I met him today at a bar close to my house. He was very attractive, outgoing and able to keep the conversation flowing. However the conversation flowed into something a little controversial and we disagreed (if you must know, the subject was free range vs caged eggs). I felt he was really condescending towards me, and I told him so. Things got awkward and silent and eventually I said I was going home, he said ok and I left and that was the end of it all. We had probably spent about 2 hours prior to that chatting amicably. I paid more for the night than he did (as is usual with me). I'm feeling low because this was the first guy in a long time that I thought I could actually see myself with. My friend says well at least I found out he was condescending early on rather than getting into something with him and finding out later, but I wonder if I could have handled this differently. What would you have done in my situation? (Difference of opinion on something important to you?) Was it wrong for me to just leave like that?
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 I don't know why this got posted multiple times
mo mo Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 So do you prefer free range or caged eggs? I think free range eggs don't even cost that much more than caged eggs.. at least where I am from.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 So do you prefer free range or caged eggs? I think free range eggs don't even cost that much more than caged eggs.. at least where I am from. yeah free range. I even said that to him, that free range only cost a little bit more. And he went on about how I didn't understand people and how hard it is to make ends meet for some people. I said yes I did understand, as my parents are not that well off, but they still buy free range because they feel bad for caged hens.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 If he was condescending, f)ck him... next? There is no next now. I've been on POF for about 3 months now. He's been the only one I wanted to meet so far. I was so disillusioned when I got home from the date that I deleted my account. He seemed so great from emails, even chatting in person, till we got to a subject we disagreed about.
vsmini Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Well here's the problem. You think having a system or a "check list" of things that a man has to adhere to, even BEFORE you meet him is a fool-proof way of getting a guy you want. Obviously this system is flawed. So many people turn out to look good on paper and then they really aren't compatible for you. I think it's a red flag that you said: I'm feeling low because this was the first guy in a long time that I thought I could actually see myself with. Now do you mean be with as in a relationship or be with as just a 2 hour date. You can't really tell that from someone who you've been conversing with via email for a couple of weeks. I suggest you try a different system - you most likely will have less disappointment. Expectations are great but I think you might have too many right out of the gate before you even meet up with these guys face-to-face.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Well here's the problem. You think having a system or a "check list" of things that a man has to adhere to, even BEFORE you meet him is a fool-proof way of getting a guy you want. Obviously this system is flawed. So many people turn out to look good on paper and then they really aren't compatible for you. I think it's a red flag that you said: Now do you mean be with as in a relationship or be with as just a 2 hour date. You can't really tell that from someone who you've been conversing with via email for a couple of weeks. I suggest you try a different system - you most likely will have less disappointment. Expectations are great but I think you might have too many right out of the gate before you even meet up with these guys face-to-face. It was once I met him and the conversation flowed so well that I thought I will definitely go on a 2nd date with him. I have not wanted to see any other guys again that I've met online. I think this whole thing had taught me that online dating is not for me.
vsmini Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 It was once I met him and the conversation flowed so well that I thought I will definitely go on a 2nd date with him. I have not wanted to see any other guys again that I've met online. I think this whole thing had taught me that online dating is not for me. Did he get nasty? Was he really condescending or did you just disagree on the issue? What you quoted him as saying doesn't sound all that bad but who knows, I wasn't there and I didn't see or hear his tone. Sounds like everything was going well from what you said - even the conversation. So it sounds like it was jus a bump in the road....unless he was actually being nasty - then I'd hit the road too. Do you usually find yourself getting pretty heated (inside yourself) during debates like this? Keep in mind he probably felt just as strongly for his argument as you did yours - and neither of you were "right" or "wrong"
Eeyore79 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I wouldn't date anyone who approved of caged eggs, because we're so obviously incompatible people. End of story.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Did he get nasty? Was he really condescending or did you just disagree on the issue? What you quoted him as saying doesn't sound all that bad but who knows, I wasn't there and I didn't see or hear his tone. Sounds like everything was going well from what you said - even the conversation. So it sounds like it was jus a bump in the road....unless he was actually being nasty - then I'd hit the road too. Do you usually find yourself getting pretty heated (inside yourself) during debates like this? Keep in mind he probably felt just as strongly for his argument as you did yours - and neither of you were "right" or "wrong" Not nasty, probably just disagreed on the issue, and neither of us were able to concede to the other. Yeah I do get pretty heated on these sorts of arguments, I guess I need to learn to be more tolerant of other viewpoints.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 I wouldn't date anyone who approved of caged eggs, because we're so obviously incompatible people. End of story. The awful thing is, he did disagree with caged eggs, said that's all he buys, but he was trying to argue the case for people who do buy caged eggs (i.e that they are more affordable). I was saying they don't cost all that more, and that it makes me really angry seeing people buying the caged ones.
Scottdmw Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 OP, you of course have the right to do anything you want with your dating life. But, honestly, your story sounds ridiculous to me. You are choosing to be alone essentially because your list of requirements is way too long. It is unrealistic to expect that someone is going to check all of your boxes as you say plus agree with you on every issue even down to minor ones like this. You have obviously made up your mind about these issues for the moment. Please, though, as time goes on if you are not successful in finding a man that meets your obviously very long list, consider that you may need to be a little more open to people who don't agree with you. This guy you rejected sounds like a good man. I imagine within a matter of a couple of weeks he is going to find someone, perhaps a good deal better than you. He will be happy with that woman while you will still be alone for many more months or years, learning that just because you want something doesn't mean you're going to find it. Or, perhaps you will find a boyfriend who agrees with you (or convincingly claims he does long enough to get you in bed) on free range chickens, only to treat you horribly in other ways.
Eeyore79 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I guess he was just trying to see both sides of the argument and put himself in the shoes of the person who buys caged eggs. In that case, the issue is that you felt he was condescending. I probably wouldn't end the relationship over it though; it's a fairly minor issue in the grand scale of things, and we can't go around dumping otherwise good partners just for little things. So you had a disagreement on an external issue which really has nothing to do with your relationship - so what? Accept that you have a difference of opinion and let it go. If his condescending behavior becomes a recurring issue, then I'd bring it up in discussion, and potentially consider ending the relationship at that point if I couldn't cope with it. But one disagreement on an issue which is relatively unimportant to your relationship isn't a deal breaker imo.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 why are you talking about eggs on a first date? I don't know. We just got to the topic somehow. I'm a vegetarian, and he used to be for a while. I just know that if it wasn't for this stupid argument I'd be happy now after a 1st date (from online) with actual chemistry, and thinking about the 2nd one. I haven't heard from him since I left, and don't expect to now - I thought he might text me an apology but have had absolutely nothing.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 OP, you of course have the right to do anything you want with your dating life. But, honestly, your story sounds ridiculous to me. You are choosing to be alone essentially because your list of requirements is way too long. It is unrealistic to expect that someone is going to check all of your boxes as you say plus agree with you on every issue even down to minor ones like this. You have obviously made up your mind about these issues for the moment. Please, though, as time goes on if you are not successful in finding a man that meets your obviously very long list, consider that you may need to be a little more open to people who don't agree with you. This guy you rejected sounds like a good man. I imagine within a matter of a couple of weeks he is going to find someone, perhaps a good deal better than you. He will be happy with that woman while you will still be alone for many more months or years, learning that just because you want something doesn't mean you're going to find it. Or, perhaps you will find a boyfriend who agrees with you (or convincingly claims he does long enough to get you in bed) on free range chickens, only to treat you horribly in other ways. It was just the way he argued with me. I can live with someone not agreeing to everything I do, it was the way he argued about it. I bought him drinks and food on the date, I doubt most women would do that, they expect to be paid for, so who knows if he will find someone better than me.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 So I met up with a guy from POF today. Bear in mind I am extremely picky and only meet up these days if I think the guy is impeccable. One barrier to your happiness - impossible standards. So I'd been emailing this guy for about 2 weeks and all was going well. He suggested we meet this week which I readily agreed to as he ticked all of my boxes so far Another - reducing everything to a formula, blech. He was very attractive, outgoing and able to keep the conversation flowing. I'll try to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one, even though it looks like a cliche "you must do these things to get women" list... I mean, a television is attractive, outgoing and able to keep the conversation flowing. Me, I care more about WHO someone is ... However the conversation flowed into something a little controversial and we disagreed (if you must know, the subject was free range vs caged eggs). I felt he was really condescending towards me, and I told him so. Things got awkward and silent and eventually I said I was going home, he said ok and I left and that was the end of it all. Most "free range eggs" are a scam designed to make money off people's good intentions. Regardless, I think it's both sad and humorous that THAT ruined a date. In reality, though, what ruined the date was inflexible, arrogant opinions -- based on what I am reading, I am guessing from both of you. I'm thinking you might want to add another item to your check box list: "defers to MY opinions" because I doubt you will be happy with anything else. Or, you could figure out how to loosen up.
vsmini Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 It was just the way he argued with me. I can live with someone not agreeing to everything I do, it was the way he argued about it. I bought him drinks and food on the date, I doubt most women would do that, they expect to be paid for, so who knows if he will find someone better than me. Give me a break - It's selfish and rude to think because you put more money down that that gives him less of a right to voice his opinions. You're not something special just for the fact that you paid for more and that doesn't make you "better" than someone else he could potentially find. So what if most women expect a guy to pay - were you paying just to have the upper hand? What was your motivation for paying more? It clearly wasn't out of the goodness of your heart since now you're just using that against him too. That statement makes you sound sooooo arrogant. You said he wasn't nasty - it sounds like you just took him sympathizing with another's viewpoint as condescending....but that's not being condescending at all. To be honest - you might be a red flag for him. You got into a discussion, he said his piece and explained how he understood how others might feel (about lower income, etc) and you were the one that left. I'd be surprised if you ever hear from him again.
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Or, you could figure out how to loosen up. I think you're right. I need to be more tolerant of opinions different to mine and let it go. I've been in arguments like this before, but not with potential romantic partners.
chuckles11 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I don't know. We just got to the topic somehow. I'm a vegetarian, and he used to be for a while. I just know that if it wasn't for this stupid argument I'd be happy now after a 1st date (from online) with actual chemistry, and thinking about the 2nd one. I haven't heard from him since I left, and don't expect to now - I thought he might text me an apology but have had absolutely nothing. He shouldn't apologize. Both of you should just move on. While the argument in itself seems somewhat silly from an outsider's perspective, the fact that both of you were willing to ruin the date over it is a huge red flag. Also, what was so bad about the "way" he argued?
Author green_tea Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Give me a break - It's selfish and rude to think because you put more money down that that gives him less of a right to voice his opinions. You're not something special just for the fact that you paid for more and that doesn't make you "better" than someone else he could potentially find. So what if most women expect a guy to pay - were you paying just to have the upper hand? What was your motivation for paying more? It clearly wasn't out of the goodness of your heart since now you're just using that against him too. That statement makes you sound sooooo arrogant. You said he wasn't nasty - it sounds like you just took him sympathizing with another's viewpoint as condescending....but that's not being condescending at all. To be honest - you might be a red flag for him. You got into a discussion, he said his piece and explained how he understood how others might feel (about lower income, etc) and you were the one that left. I'd be surprised if you ever hear from him again. I didn't mean that because I paid for his food I should have the upper hand, I was just pointing out that I did on this occasion (as I have in all online dates so far). What you say applies to the both of us - we both said our piece and neither was willing to say ok agree to disagree. Why sympathize with caged egg buyers anyway??
Andy_K Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I don't know what the prices are where you are, but round here Tesco value eggs (6) are about 70p, whereas free range ones are around twice that. 100% is a pretty big difference to people on a tight budget.
ChessPieceFace Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Why sympathize with caged egg buyers anyway?? Already gave you a reason -- you're being lied to, most "cage free eggs" are not. Most are lying about it and making money off of your sympathy. How about this choice -- buying the cheaper eggs, and then donating the dollar you saved to the homeless. Wouldn't that be better? Or do chickens matter more than humans to you? Stop seeing the world in black & white.
GoodOnPaper Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 So many people turn out to look good on paper and then they really aren't compatible for you. Tell me about it . . . Not knowing anything about "free range" eggs, I did some quick internet searching. If Wikipedia's picture of "free range hens" is accurate, I'm not exactly envying their situation -- I vote for not letting this argument sour any further dating potential.
Recommended Posts