Could you do FWB with your ex until you found someone better?

[RuinedLife]

Not that I would ever do anything like this myself. I'm just curious as to how others on Love Shack view the whole Friends With Benefits scenario, especially with an ex.

[Mack05]

From the book getting past your breakup? I fully agree

 

"Continuing a physical relationship after giving up the committed relationship and its inherent respondsibilities is a prescription for trouble. Do not buy into "friends with benefits" scenarios. Benefits must have corresponding respondsibilites and if they don't you are using each other. So stop it and grow up. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits". There is only friends who have no idea what they're doing to the detriment of themselves and each other. Don't do it with your ex or anyone else for that matter. Conduct your life with dignity, and don't give away anything unless the person you're giving it to takes some responsibility toward you, especially if he or she is an ex lover. If it's dead bury it. Don't sleep with it"

[RuinedLife]

What if, and this is purely hypothetical, both you and your ex decided to restart an exclusive relationship on the understanding that it was to be a short term relationship only and that one day it would end??

[Mack05]

What if, and this is purely hypothetical, both you and your ex decided to restart an exclusive relationship on the understanding that it was to be a short term relationship only and that one day it would end??

 

In my opinion FWB is NO NO NO NO. No matter how you want to put it. It's about self respect. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I believe in the bedroom you should be with someone who you love and they love you back in a commited relationship. Anything else your just letting yourself down. That's just me though. There are a lot of other opinions out there..

[shadowofman]

I am currently involved FWB with my ex. Her new boyfriend is in Afghanistan, so I'm her physical outlet still. I'm sure she will end it some day. That's incredibly depressing to me. She is the best lover I've ever had.

[thelovingkind]

I've had a successful experience with FWB. I started sleeping with one of my best friends of two years and we spent a couple months having a kind of passionate, romantic, sexual thing that reached a tipping point for one or two weeks where we ummed and ahhed about taking it further, then we didn't and I moved overseas and we've slipped back into friends mode. People say FWB "doesn't work"; I think the thing is, it's not supposed to "work". Nothing is really supposed to happen. FWB "works" best when it doesn't work, if you get what I mean. You see each other for a while, fulfill a mutual need for friendship, intimacy and sexual release at a time when other love interests aren't around, and then part ways again. It's not supposed to function as a stepping stone to something more.

 

As for FWB after a relationship, though, that just sounds like a recipe for misery.

[RuinedLife]

In my opinion FWB is NO NO NO NO. No matter how you want to put it. It's about self respect. Maybe I am old fashioned, but I believe in the bedroom you should be with someone who you love and they love you back in a commited relationship. Anything else your just letting yourself down. That's just me though. There are a lot of other opinions out there..

 

But some people don't ever want long term committed relationships right? E.g. commitment phobic people.

 

So in this case a less serious short term committed relationship is the only option. And if you and your ex both agree that you are ok with this arrangement then it could work right? I don't even know what I'm eluding to really. Like I say I'm grasping at straws I guess.

 

I am currently involved FWB with my ex. Her new boyfriend is in Afghanistan, so I'm her physical outlet still. I'm sure she will end it some day. That's incredibly depressing to me. She is the best lover I've ever had.

 

Is her bf ok with this arrangement too? Just curious.

[RuinedLife]

I've had a successful experience with FWB. I started sleeping with one of my best friends of two years and we spent a couple months having a kind of passionate, romantic, sexual thing that reached a tipping point for one or two weeks where we ummed and ahhed about taking it further, then we didn't and I moved overseas and we've slipped back into friends mode. People say FWB "doesn't work"; I think the thing is, it's not supposed to "work". Nothing is really supposed to happen. FWB "works" best when it doesn't work, if you get what I mean. You see each other for a while, fulfill a mutual need for friendship, intimacy and sexual release at a time when other love interests aren't around, and then part ways again. It's not supposed to function as a stepping stone to something more.

 

As for FWB after a relationship, though, that just sounds like a recipe for misery.

 

I guess I'm just really naive and I don't really understand what FWB is really all about.

[shadowofman]

No. He'd be very upset if he ever found out. And she is being an incredible hypocrite by remaining physical with me. She always gave me tons of crap over the years with her possessive, accusing, insecurities. But such are monkeys. An it delights me to no end that she is what she hates.

 

Soooooo hot though.

[Mack05]

Ruined as you see from above there are success stories. If both partners genuinely don't want anything more, then I can see how it can work. But, I think in general the success stories of FWB are not many. In most cases one or both get hurt.

 

For you I feel it's a receipe for disaster. You want a long term committed relationship with this guy so there is no point in kidding yourself. If he doesn't want the same, at some stage this will eventually leave you devastated..Worse then you are now. Like a heroin addict getting a hit for a few weeks/months and then has to go back cold turkey all over again. How can this be helpful??

 

Your thoughts and behaviour right now are so self destructive. Your not thinking clearly. Your addictive logic has completely overtaken your normal logic. I wrote a thread about this -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t281521/

 

Right now with this thought process you are fooling yourself. "Fooling people is a serious business, but when you fool yourself it becomes fatal"

[geegirl]

Not that I would ever do anything like this myself. I'm just curious as to how others on Love Shack view the whole Friends With Benefits scenario, especially with an ex.

 

Personally, I could never do it. Even if my feelings were completely depleted for him. I think it will all resurface the moment we touched, at least for me.

 

In answer to your question, there has to be absolutely no wanting, expecting or hoping of anything other than the fact that it's just a meeting between two people satisfying each other physically. It may be easy to do with someone you've never had an emotional connection with and could never fathom being with him romantically but when you've been with someone emotionally/in a relationship in the past and still hurting or having leftover feelings, it will not work. The one clinging on, will be the one hurting.

[emby]

Not that I would ever do anything like this myself. I'm just curious as to how others on Love Shack view the whole Friends With Benefits scenario, especially with an ex.

 

I had an ex before who messed up my life, moved onto someone else without telling me but kept seeing me and then sleeping with me whilst he waited to find out if it would work out with the other girl. At one point I said "I'm not going to do this anymore unless we're going to get back together" and he said that we would, he just needed time. I was an idiot. Suffice to say I packed it in soon after that. He managed great without me until the day I started seeing someone new and he called me in a state threatening suicide and other rubbish. The point is, I should have WALKED. I wanted a relationship, he took sex because it was being offered on a plate. Lesson learned.

I think after things I have been through I would never sleep with someone I'm not committed to. Would I sleep with my recent ex? I don't think it's even a question because I know that he would never want that kind of arrangement. I don't think I'd go into it if he did ask, because 'why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?' mindset would set in for him.

[robaday]

Everyone says its a bad idea. But I'm not so sure. I have a couple of ex girlfriends who I remained on good terms with. They weren't serious relationships - 3 months or less, and really were more drunken hook ups with female friends/colleagues than anything else.

 

And, due to me living abroad, when I go home, I contact them and say hey fancy a drink tomorrow night? and we go out, have fun, end up in bed, wake up go for breakfast, and that's that, until the next time Im home etc.

 

I can't speak for them, but I didn't have strong feelings for them, but still care about them, still enjoy their company and am still attracted to them. If they're single, Im single, whats the harm done?

 

But maybe Im wrong, or have unique circumstances.

[O_O]

I think the main issue that comes up in FWB situations is an imbalance of emotions and expectations. Pretty much no matter what your history is, if one of you has more emotions tied up in the situation than the other then it's likely to end badly with someone getting hurt. The reason why this especially applies with exes is that it's fairly unusual for exes to be on the same page emotionally regarding the relationship, especially right after a break up. Very often people convince themselves that they're emotionally detached enough to handle it, only to lose it and go right back to their initial post-breakup state when the ex leaves the FWB situation (especially if it's to start dating someone new). If you want sex, find someone you aren't emotionally attached to, it's just a lot safer for your mental state.

[thelovingkind]

I think the main issue that comes up in FWB situations is an imbalance of emotions and expectations.

This is quite true. I think one of the reasons my FWB worked was because we both were quite significantly emotionally invested in each other, but just equally not quiiiite enough to both want to tip it over into a relationship given our different lifestyles. So it's like, we were both sitting at about 90 percent of feeling necessary for a relationship. A FWB could also work if you're both on about 50 percent - you care for each other fondly but don't feel any real stirring of emotional attachment. It could also work if both people are 10 percent invested, and basically in it just for sex. It's not the strength of feeling that matters -- me and my FWB were very, very into each other -- it's the balance of them. You've just got to find someone on the same page and stay there, which requires a lot of communication (we were having to talk about it 1-2 hours a week).

 

I think you can only really tell in retrospect whether it worked or not. I'll admit it could have all gone pear-shaped for me. But looking back, I had two great months where I deeply intensified a connection with a good friend and took our friendship into places of intimacy and sharing that we'd never explored before, and I don't regret that. We both emphasised from day one and through out that our friendship comes above and beyond all else, and worked to stick to that, and that's really important. You've always got to be communicating, as soon as you stop then one person's imagination and expectations can start to run away from the other's.

[shadowofman]

Case by case basis. Mine works because we both understand that a relationship is NOT going to happen. At least for the next 30 years. We are both so morally incompatible that it simply does not work anymore. And this is after 8 years of trying to force it. Even though it's possible I might love her more than she loves me. I can deal with her being in another relationship. It's my extreme love for her that is happy that she is happy with that idiot. Haha I'm not to interested in loving anyone else for a long long time.

[sleepykitten]

Mack-I just read your link you posted, and thank you for that, its really helped me today, i recently broke No contact, saw my ex twice, both times we slept together, i was fooling myself thinking-i'm in a better place etc, ie not on the verge of tears the whole time and actually eating again, but i knew deep down it really was a way of getting my "fix" this morning when he went I was determined to just let him go and not say anything but No I asked if we could see each other tomorow! he said no because its too painful and then what, then he said we'll see, it depends on what time i get back from a friends etc etc. I knew I'd just be hanging on for a text tomorrow that said"no not a good idea or too busy" and said, no lets leave it. But was annoyed at myself for asking in the first palce. This guy is not the one for me i know that, he has hurt me, treated me like crap and here i am being all lovely to him!!! When he left this morning for a while i felt sad and cried as i had that fear of now what, but then i thought, its been 5 weeks, i can start again, i'm not at that place i was initially where it was an effort to function. I have to believe good things will happen, and that i can get there to a place of inner contentment and peace on my own.

[kingofhearts]

People say FWB "doesn't work"; I think the thing is, it's not supposed to "work". Nothing is really supposed to happen. FWB "works" best when it doesn't work, if you get what I mean.

 

BAM!! Makes sense to me.

[Maggotface]

I've been in FWB relationships that were successful and I've been in some that blew up in my face. Don't get your hopes up for anything more to happen, it could, but most likely wont. The only reason FWB situations didnt work out for me was because one of us already had feeling for the other or developed feelings. The FWB senerios that did work out for me were with people that mutually had no interest in having a serious relationship. So, I think having this kind of relationship with an ex would be a very bad idea but FWB in general, with both partners having no romantic feelings, can work out.

[calndn]

I went fwb(although we never stated that) with my ex and from my experience I can tell you it's the worst thing I have ever done. Everything my ex told me about 'not ruling out getting back together in the future' abd that he was still in love with me...I bought it I believed it and yes at the time perhaps a part of him thought that but in the end not all of him thought that and when he realised that he just stopped txting me turned into an idiot (I didn't chase him at all). In the end I didn't know where I stood whether I was being used or whether he was genuinely confused. I didn't know if everything he had said was a lie. It ruined what was an amicable breakup we no longer speak I see him around (seen him twice since) first time we chatted second just said hello. If the breakup had remained how it was I would have been well over him by now and although I nearly am I'm still not 100%. I wish I'd never gone bk to him I wish I never let him take advantage. I also forgot to mention it was basically emotional abuse and it lead me to suicidal thoughts which I never thought I would have and eventually I seeked a counsellor. My advice....don't do it it's emotional turmoil and it's horrendous. Find someone that deserves you and will love you not someone who can't commit but uses you for sex. Xxx

[radiodarcy]

t was basically emotional abuse and it lead me to suicidal thoughts which I never thought I would have and eventually I seeked a counsellor. My advice....don't do it it's emotional turmoil and it's horrendous. Find someone that deserves you and will love you not someone who can't commit but uses you for sex. Xxx

 

*sigh* i too went through this. only he wasn't an ex - - he was a friend. he pursued me, one thing led another i fell for him but he didn't feel the same. i should have walked but he was my first love - - my first everything really. i am ashamed to say i continued to sleep with him even though i knew he was seeing other women. when things didn't work out or he was in a lull he would circle back around and sleep with me. i knew i was being used but i loved him so. i thought that if i was there for him he would see how much i cared and decide to give me a chance. i begged him to do so - - asked if i had any chance - - but he would never give me a straight answer.

 

this lasted for two and a half years. during which i was an emotional mess. i had always struggled with depression but i too found myself seriously contemplating suicide as i couldn't seem to refrain from subjecting myself to more and more self-destructive pain. the only thing that stopped me was knowing how it would upset my family and friends and that doing so would leave my beloved pets homeless.

 

eventually he broke it off saying he just wanted to be friends. but that didn't work either so i went NC and have been much better off without him since.

 

so no -- FWB definitely did not work for me. it was an incredibly upsetting, de-moralizing situation to put myself in and i have no intention of ever doing it again.

[geegirl]

RL, I may be wrong but I have a strong feeling that you're asking because the thought of just having your ex as an FWB has crossed your mind.

 

Sometimes we will grasp at anything to have them in our lives. Even if it means just allowing them to have sex with us. I've hit that low before only to walk away feeling sick to my stomach. I wanted him so badly that I was willing to do anything to be with him. Even had the silly notion that if we had sex again, he'd rekindle those loving feelings for me and he'd change his mind.

 

But in the end, I felt used and broken. It was not his fault. I was to blame for putting myself in a situation that was only going to hurt me.

 

IF, and I say IF as I can only guess why you are asking -- based on how you feel about your ex, and from all your posts on LS, it wouldn't be a good idea for you to have this type of arrangement with your ex. You are too emotionally invested and you're very hurt.

 

FWB works when you both know it's nothing more but just sex. It doesn't work when emotions start coming into play. The moment that happens, it's disaster. You still have emotions and it's been 6 months and you're still in the thick of it.

 

If you're just asking out of curiosity, well, you received a mix of opinions and I hope it's helped you. But if you are asking because you have secretly entertained this idea based on your situation, I would say it would be detrimental to you.