Ashbash11 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Hi All It's been quite a long time since I have been on LS..I am back because I am struggling, and this is a place where I feel comfortable asking for advice.. It's all that I have, at this point. I wasn't even sure if I should post this under long distance relationships, or another forum. In any case, most people who will read this probably know my situation.. However, for those who don't know, here's a brief background: My boyfriend and I did long distance for 2 years (Southern CA to Boston). We met in graduate school in Boston, dated for 8 months, and then he moved to California for his job. He's an astronomer, and he works at an observatory. He works nights, and a very weird schedule, which we have been dealing with for years now. After I finished graduate school in Boston, I moved out to CA to be with him (we moved in together) and I completed a 1 year internship out there. Fast forward to now.... I just finished my internship in CA, and I am now in the process of applying for jobs. ALL of my family/close friends live on the east coast, and my BF and his family live in California.. The dilemma I am having is, I don't know where to apply for jobs and how to approach all of this. In my heart, I want to move back home.. I have lived on the east coast my entire life and I find myself very homesick a lot of the time.. However, my BF and his family are putting a lot of pressure on me to find a job in CA.......... The other dilemma: My BF works at an observatory, and he works strange hours (8 nights on, 6 days off). He lives at his job every other week, so he's only home every other week. He also does not get paid much- hardly enough for us to eat. BUT.. he loves his job, and has genuine passion for it. I really want him to get another job, but now I feel extremely guilty, because I recently went up to the observatory w/ him and saw just how much he loves it- the scenery, the telescopes.. the whole thing. I can't take him away from this! I just don't know what to do... I have been with this guy for 3 1/2 years, and we are very much in love. BUT.. I am also feeling like I want to move back to where my family and friends are, because I will be happier there. I feel so torn... I also feel like if I move back home, I will be letting my BF's family down.. My BF has been talking about engagement a lot lately, too. It's just a big mess. Should I just apply for jobs everywhere and see what happens? Should I just let my job lead me? This leaves me in a really awful position.. If I move back east, I will have to break up with him. I don't want to do long distance again. It was WAY too difficult, especially with his work schedule. If I stay in CA, I will continue to be lonely and not see him much, unless he gets another job.
TMichaels Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Hi Ashbash. Nice of you to check back in. I wondered how things were going for you. Quite frankly though, it doesn't sound like much has changed at all, except that you finished your internship. I hope that went well and that you were able at least to make a few friends along the way out there. In my mind, this really boils down to (the same old) two issues: -- Career opportunity -- Geographic location With a third: Who's willing to sacrifice which for what? Careers often complicate things as in there are only certain locations where certain types of work is available. It sounds like either your career field isn't geographically-constrained, or perhaps you can be a bit more flexible as you're just getting out of school and starting out. I know your bf loves his job and you now can appreciate why, but is the west coast the *only* location where there are observatories he can work? Whether the problem is career-driven or the desire to be close to family/friends, one way or the other if the two of you want to be together, one of you is going to need to move -- or maybe *both* of you will need to move in order to make that happen like it or not. What I am trying to get at here is that even though your bf may be bringing up the idea of an engagement, why is it that he is sacrificing nothing career-wise or geographically to make this relationship work? He certainly *knows* how unhappy you are and have been. Is he not willing to compromise at all -- as in move to the East Coast (or somewhere half-way in between) where he can still work in his chosen profession and you can be closer to friends/family? Not necessarily 100% ideal for either of you, but at least you both would be giving up something to have the most important thing -- each other. If the answer is "no" (IOW, he's not willing to work or live elsewhere and expects you to make all the sacrifices in terms of where you live and what you two do for a living), then no matter how difficult, I think it's time you pack up and move back home. Though it's possible moving will end things, it's just as possible that he (or you) will gain a better handle on what it is you want in life and will finally realize anything worth having always comes at a price. Unless you are perfectly willing to play the martyr the rest of your life and always be "second-best" which I don't think you do, I think the time has come to "fish or cut bait" and let the chips fall where they may. Best, TMichaels
hoping2heal Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Hey again Ash, It is great of you to come check in. Wow.Woah.Gosh...Where do I even begin? Has the former dynamic of your relationship went away and things are better now? I'm not trying to be a negative nelly, but your former dynamic went something like..you sacrificed and did a pretzel twist in order to accomodate him. His career choice, his convinience (for the most part), his interest. You were very homesick and seemed to be quite lonely in your relationship, though you loved him. Has that changed? I am asking because the advice I gave would depend on that answer. If your relationship is still going the way it had been all that time before I can't see you having any peace. Deep down you will always know that you made a lot of sacrifices for a man who wasn't willing to do the same for you, and at some point resentment will start to grow. So, what is going on your relationship now, today? What is that dynamic currently?
Author Ashbash11 Posted July 2, 2011 Author Posted July 2, 2011 hoping2heal- Our relationship dynamic has changed since the last time I posted here.. I think living together has taught us a lot about each other, and we have definitely grown closer. Like I mentioned, I do really feel a connection and I can envision spending the rest of my life with my BF. As it turns out, he actually had a lot of time off from work over the winter months, so we ended up spending more time together than I had anticipated (which helped, I think..). Also, another piece I didn't add is that due to the economy, his job has been losing money, and he's only been getting paid about 75% his normal salary.. So, he's definitely been talking about looking for a new job. TMichaels- Here's the thing: my BF did not say outright that he will not move anywhere else but California.. The problem is, he said he is willing to move to be with me (if I go back east, or wherever) BUT.. he will only do it if he is able to "find a job in his field" there. So, he is willing to make sacrifices for me, but with some parameters. I guess that's good news AND bad news. We are both very career-driven people, and sometimes, it seems like neither one of us is willing to budge. Astronomy jobs are very hard to come by, and there are only observatories in CA, Arizona, New Mexico, Chile and like.. Hawaii.
heartshaped Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Astronomy jobs are very hard to come by, and there are only observatories in CA, Arizona, New Mexico, Chile and like.. Hawaii. I'm not sure how hard astronomy jobs are to come by, but I know for a fact that there are observatories in places other than the ones you just mentioned. The ones you name are fairly large observatories with have a reputation that precedes them as I'm sure you know that the observatories in Hawaii, CA, Arizona, etc have some of the best views due to geographical location. However, that doesn't mean significant work and research is not being done at other observatories around the country. The university I am attending now for grad school actually made some such astronomical discovery not too long ago. I'm not exactly sure what it was [not too interested in that type of stuff], but we are located in the southern part of the U.S. so it isn't like being in a lesser viewing location necessarily effects one's ability to do research or make significant discoveries. I think this all comes down to your boyfriend. Honestly, I think he's comfortable where he is and he's hesitant to step out and make a change. I think if you are that unhappy there though the two of you need to talk about finding some place else to live. Even if the two of you don't decide to move back where you are from perhaps the two of you could move closer to the area you are from.
TMichaels Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 TMichaels-So, he is willing to make sacrifices for me, but with some parameters. I guess that's good news AND bad news. We are both very career-driven people, and sometimes, it seems like neither one of us is willing to budge. No, it's called "compromise" Ashbash. I'm sorry, but it continues to sound like if he won't give up everything for you, it's not good enough in your book. Astronomy jobs are very hard to come by, and there are only observatories in CA, Arizona, New Mexico, Chile and like.. Hawaii. As heartshaped also pointed out, it simply isn't true that the *only* places where there are observatories are in the places you listed above. There are more than 200 of them in the U.S. -- you might want to take a look here . Also, another piece I didn't add is that due to the economy, his job has been losing money, and he's only been getting paid about 75% his normal salary.. So, he's definitely been talking about looking for a new job. Sorry to hear about him needing to take a salary reduction due to budget cutbacks, but most observatories depend heavily on Federal funding, so the situation he's experienced isn't unique and in fact is another factor that will make it all the more difficult for him to find work elsewhere. All that aside, talking and thinking about getting a new job is one thing. Taking action -- including coming up with a plan that takes into account both your needs -- is another. What's stopping him from doing that? Again, I agree with heartshaped. He's too comfortable with the way things are now to be motivated to do anything else. Think about it. He has *everything* he wants and needs. A job he loves, his friends/family close by, and his girlfriend by his side who moved from one coast to the other to be with him. Why would be want to change any of that? He doesn't. In fact, he's so comfortable, he's now talking about the two of you getting engaged. Talk about ensuring the status-quo! Seriously, I hope you will think long and hard before you take that step. The fact that you both want your own way in the relationship and can't seem to get to the point where you are able to come to a workable compromise doesn't bode well. And that bit about you feel "you will be disappointing his family" if you move away? Family harmony is important to be sure, but on the other hand, this is you and your bf's relationship, not theirs. You might want to ask yourself why it's so important to you what others think? I may be wrong, but I get the sense from your previous and more recent posts that what "everyone else thinks" including opinions of those here, is driven by a need for you to have someone/anyone understand your feelings and needs, recognize what you've given up, and "be on your side." Again, not the best place to be when one's bf not to mention one's fiance, ought to be your biggest ally, partner, confidant and rock. But it's your life and your future, Ashbash, and only you should decide how unhappy you're willing to be for the sake of continuing your relationship. Best, TMichaels
Els Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Hey Ash. Great to hear from you again, and even better to hear that things are going well in your R! Personally, this is what I would do: Both of you apply to potential jobs everywhere possible and semi-desirable. Yes, he will have less places to apply to than you, but he should apply to those few nevertheless. When you get the results of your applications, then you decide. But you should not decide to stay when he has not even tried to get another place.
LittleTiger Posted July 2, 2011 Posted July 2, 2011 Hey Ash. Great to hear from you again, and even better to hear that things are going well in your R! Personally, this is what I would do: Both of you apply to potential jobs everywhere possible and semi-desirable. Yes, he will have less places to apply to than you, but he should apply to those few nevertheless. When you get the results of your applications, then you decide. But you should not decide to stay when he has not even tried to get another place. Hi Ash. Happy to hear things are going well for you guys. Sorry you're still struggling with the geography thing though. I agree with Elswyth. You need to start out together somewhere new that suits both of you and makes you both happy. Some level of compromise on both sides need to happen. Maybe if you both apply for jobs near to wherever he can work (where you would happy to live) and let fate takes it course.
creighton0123 Posted July 4, 2011 Posted July 4, 2011 So you get to see him for six days in a row, and then he's gone for 8 days. It's quite a bit like an international pilot, truckers, or fishermans schedule. Is there any option of finding a job that you like where the two of you could live near his observatory in order to save money and so that he doesn't have to sleep at the office? It is 3.5 years and you are obviously both mutually invested and in love. Now you're at the stage where you are wanting to build both a life and a family together, but are hesitating. What do you want in life? Is a better job or being close to family and old friends more important than building a new life with him? If the answer to that is "Yes, my old life is worth more to me", then you may never be fully satisfied with a new life with him, whether one based on week on, week off commuting or living in a rural area.
Author Ashbash11 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Posted July 11, 2011 Creighton- ideally, I want both...To start a life with my boyfriend AND to be close to friends and family.. I think one of the reasons that this situation is so hard for me is that we started out living in Boston together, where all of my friends and family ARE.. I got a taste of how great that was- we had people to hang out with every weekend, my cousins, aunts/uncles, parents... everyone was there.. Things fell apart when he moved to California... I decided to re-locate, and I had to leave everyone behind. In any case, at this point, the economy is in such bad shape that I am basically applying to jobs everywhere..east coast, west coast, even the midwest. I can't afford to be picky about where I work, unfortunately. Most recently, my boyfriend has been saying that he will "wait" to apply to any jobs until I get some offers.. But, I've been trying to convince him to start applying anyway, just to see what's out there. I hope we can come to some kind of agreement about this. TMichaels- thank you for your very honest advice. I do want to comment on one thing you said: the statement about me needing "people to be on my side.." The main reason that I ask people on LS for advice is to gain a different perspective.. I have been in this situation for a long time, and I start to lose sight of what's going on.. It's good to have objective opinions, that's all. Of course my BF is my main supporter, and he does know about my needs/opinions, etc.. (we talk about this a lot..) However, I don't want to belabor it with him, because it causes stress in our relationship. We are both tense about the future, and for good reason. We don't want to lose each other, but it's a possibility, given the horrible state of the economy, especially for jobs in public education....
creighton0123 Posted July 12, 2011 Posted July 12, 2011 Hey, Ash. I'm in Boston. It is a great place to live minus very little star visibility. It will be hard finding work that he wants to do here. Still, one of you has to decide on the job. There comes a time when everyone here in the LS community wants to give advice we feel will fix things. I'm going to be honest. One of you will have to make concessions to be with one another or the both of you will have to transform your lifestyles significantly enough to be with one another. There's no easy answer that anyone but the two of you can find... :-/
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