blizzard Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Scenario is that Dday occurred. Your spouse had an affair and "loosely" owned up to it...but you both decided to reconcile immediately. The BS sat with WS and wrote a no contact letter to OW and sent it. As a BS, you made it a point that all social networking sites (facebook, etc) used by WS be shut down.. Why would BS/WS only deactivate account? And why would they NOT remove OW off of friend-contact list?
MissBee Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) Is this hypothetical or a real scenario? I suppose they figure if the account is deactivated then it doesn't matter. However, if I were the WS, and was serious about making my spouse feel secure, I would defriend the person as well. If this is a real scenario, as the BS, I would express my concern about it, if it bothered me, and see what my spouse has to say about it. Edited July 1, 2011 by MissBee
LadyDi Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 They should just BLOCK the OW/OM. You can still keep your account but they won't be able to see anything on yours, and you can't see anything on theirs.
Author blizzard Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Real believe it or not. I haven't had contact with either of them. It's been over a year now. He lied and told me he was divorcing...blahblah. Our last convo he said he wasn't going to be completely honest with her...especially about the physical part of our affair and the I love yous. She is an alcoholic. So I am sure he placed so much blame on her. He said she was willing to get help so he was going to stick it out. Sad really. They are still married from what I understand. Guess he went out and bought a new wedding band by now At the 6month mark his account was "activated" on several occasions because he was a visible friend on my page...I know this because it takes a little time for the "deactivation" to go through. At the reign of the new year, she posted a nasty comment on my page using his friendship. When I would try to remove him as a friend but the page had been deactivated, yet visible. So removing him was impossible. I know I should just start over with my page. But grrrrr what a pain to do. So, I never know when they will pop up. It's been crickets since January. But why would either of them keep me around? No chance of me EVER going near her liar of a husband again...he makes me sick. I was just curious of why BS would permit it. If it were my husband, there would be NO computers in our home.
Author blizzard Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) block. hm. why not just delete me altogether? I haven't been blocked either. I had a friend check it out. We have mutual friends and not mutual friends. He is plain and simple deactivated. I can't do anything like block or remove while he is in deactivation mode except delete my account and start over. I understand what I need to do. delete. start over. but it's a pain the tush. I just want to know why she would permit it... what's on her mind by allowing him to do this. This can't be theraputical for reconciling. He did always say he would never unfriend me. That he couldn't no matter what. But this is his freaking marriage he is vowing to save! Edited July 1, 2011 by blizzard
Owl Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Why are you still even wondering what's going on on their side???????? See...that's the problem really. Stop worrying about why you weren't removed...start ACTIVELY OWNING YOUR OWN SIDE OF THINGS. Remove him/them. Stop worrying about what BS was thinking, or why WS didn't remove you when he deactivated his account...start worrying about why you're still focusing on what's happening in their marriage, their lives, rather than taking control of your side of the world and removing them.
elizabeth26 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I was just curious of why BS would permit it. If it were my husband, there would be NO computers in our home. Well, I can't say anything other than He is not your husband and you probably don't know the real him. When guys go off with other women they get to take on a new persona, which is hard to maintain. He is obviously a liar and you should distance yourself any way possible or you WILL look bad, be mad at HIM not his wife. As badly as she is handling this, you and him hurt her tremendously, don't you feel bad for her? Either way you need to be careful and respect yourself, don't date a man unless you know he is divorced or single not "getting" a divorce. It's a crappy situation sometimes, I have a friend who dated a very nice good looking guy in Sac. He was very good to her and even bought her a cell phone, then one day his wife called to inform her that he was married! She was devastated. My advice is spend alot of time doing what makes you feel good, when you are happy and content good things come to you. Lonely is a state of mind.
alexandria35 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Why would anyone spend time unfriending people on an account that they are deactivating anyways? Why spend time going into an account to individually remove people when you know you are just going to deactivate the whole thing? That would be stupid. I'd say that once a person deactivates their facebook acct they have pretty much defriended everyone. Blizzard why do you want to know why he didn't take the time to first remove you as a friend before he deactivated? Sound like you are looking for a sliver of hope that he still loves you or wants you. Like maybe by not removing you as a friend first was his way of still holding on to you, or taking a stand for your relationship. I'd say that he deactivated his account because that is what his wife wanted. If she wanted him to keep the acct but only remove you then he would have done that. I think he deactivated the acct and was done with it and he probably doesn't even give it a thought now. You mention that at least on one occassion the acct has been reactivated and you received a message from BW through that acct. So obviously she is the one who reactivates it, most likely to see what you're doing. You might think that is sad and pathetic, but it's only been a year since she discovered the affair. She still has a ways to go in her healing and achieving trust for her husband. Don't waste your precious time looking for hidden meanings where there aren't any. He didn't waste time putting time into defriending you because he probably thought deactivating accomplised the same thing. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Why are you so focussed on this? Who cares???? Next time you see him on your friends list, DELETE and BLOCK HIM. Problem solved. If you don't do that, then you'll be always checking to see if he's activated his account and also checking with your mutual friends about this too. Let it go. It's keeping you in a certain frame of mind and preventing you from totally forgetting about him! I hope you see this?? Also, you do not know what goes on behind closed doors, if he got her a ring and they have worked stuff out.. Not your business and to sit and wonder, again, will keep him in your mind.
PhoenixRise Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I think you are giving this way more importance than it deserves. From the wife's point of view, if the account is deactivated why worry about removing you specifically from the friend/contact list? The account is deactivated.
Author blizzard Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) Obviously because it can be reactivated is why...would you give WS that much benefit of the doubt. Deleting is indefinite. Deactivating is not. I am not dwelling on this. I have moved on with my life. And I am happy. But I will add that the event was devasting on all accounts. It wasn't as if I were just changing underwear. It was devasting for her and for me. He promised me a future while lying to me and to her. I won't forget just as she won't either. I don't see where I am placing importance on this...good lord. I am not even "wondering" what is going on their side owl. If I wanted more out of this situation I would not have gone NC over a year ago. I could have replied to a few of her emails, but chose not to. I just wanted to know BS point of view. Is this the norm!? what would you do as a BS? Alexandria- no sliver. NONE. DONE. No hidden meanings. I am relieved that his true self surfaced...I could never trust him now. I really don't understand how she could either. But-that's their situation. I didn't say she was sad or that I felt sympathetic to her reactivating the account. I said the circumstance of their marriage...his betrayal...blaming her alcoholism WAS SAD. Elizabeth- AMEN. Never again. This was a random post. No importance. Just simply out of curiousity delving into why a BS would allow such. Edited July 1, 2011 by blizzard
Spark1111 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Obviously because it can be reactivated is why...would you give WS that much benefit of the doubt. Deleting is indefinite. Deactivating is not. I am not dwelling on this. I have moved on with my life. And I am happy. But I will add that the event was devasting on all accounts. It wasn't as if I were just changing underwear. It was devasting for her and for me. He promised me a future while lying to me and to her. I won't forget just as she won't either. I don't see where I am placing importance on this...good lord. I am not even "wondering" what is going on their side owl. If I wanted more out of this situation I would not have gone NC over a year ago. I could have replied to a few of her emails, but chose not to. I just wanted to know BS point of view. Is this the norm!? what would you do as a BS? Alexandria- no sliver. NONE. DONE. No hidden meanings. I am relieved that his true self surfaced...I could never trust him now. I really don't understand how she could either. But-that's their situation. I didn't say she was sad or that I felt sympathetic to her reactivating the account. I said the circumstance of their marriage...his betrayal...blaming her alcoholism WAS SAD. Elizabeth- AMEN. Never again. This was a random post. No importance. Just simply out of curiousity delving into why a BS would allow such. I can only speculate....but on DDAY, when our world turns upside down, we not only mistrust our spouse, we are doubtful that you are the ONLY one engaged in inappropriate behavior with the WS. We see shadows lurking everywhere and from everyone. This is a very common early phase of PTSD. I would guess deactivating the account but NOT deleting the friends was her way of ascertaining if other women were posting flirty, sexy, or romantically inclined messages to her H. Not to hurt you, but this too is also common. It seems if you can cross those boundaries to have an affair, many WS begin to act like 17-year olds with many women....KWIM?
silktricks Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 The thing is - everyone is different. The speculation of a fBS is not going to be any better than any one else's speculation, because we are not her. So we can all speculate to the end of time about why X does Z, but we'll never know. So.... sometimes for our own mental health it's better just to not care.
OldOnTheInside Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 The thing is - everyone is different. The speculation of a fBS is not going to be any better than any one else's speculation, because we are not her. So we can all speculate to the end of time about why X does Z, but we'll never know. So.... sometimes for our own mental health it's better just to not care. Very true. The only way you would ever know for sure is by talking to the BS. And odds are, that isn't happening. Although, if she is an alchoholic...she is probably not in the best state of mental health.
elizabeth26 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Men can be extremely good liars, especially when there is a reward on the other side of a lie. I hope you are doing better with this situation and as much as I'm sure you would like to blast his wife for commenting, don't. I never understood the delusional women who blame the other woman in an affair, it takes two. And AGAIN, men can be very deceptive about their relationship status.
Loni Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I can see the sense in deactivating a FB. Prior to FB I was on another social networking site with my then MM. I had a male profile and a male name. During my affair I became real life friends with other people in affairs. Those still in an affair all have dummy FB accounts. I have even heard it mentioned on other boards that are infidelity friendly that it's a good idea to join Farmville or Mafia Wars so that you have an excuse for non mutual friends on your account. When you see an account with 2K plus friends it's easy to slip your OP in there all innocent looking.
waytogo Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Blizzard, they may have thought by deleting the account they had deleted you. I wouldn't have know anything would show of my FB account if I chose to delete it. Also, if he chose FB as tool to decieve her they may have chosen no more FB at all since it was used inappropriately, as a step to rebuild their M. If W or anyone deposits something on your page you don't want there, you have a simple measure to delete it yourself. You can also report abuse if you see it as abusive. There is no need to start a new FB page, but probably starting new choices would be a good idea to reduce the chance of these circumstances. Another poster is correct. Whether they close FB accounts or have computers in their home should not concern you. What are you going to do for your life to make it better than it was to be an OW?
Owl Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 This was a random post. No importance. Just simply out of curiousity delving into why a BS would allow such. To answer this quickly...I think as a BS, that if the account were DEACTIVATED with the intention of never being used again, I probably wouldn't have given any thought as to if the OW was still tied to the account somehow or not. If it's deactivated, shut down, and no longer going to be used...there's no reason why it should MATTER who is still "friended" on the account. I still think you're reading WAY more into this than is there.
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