Leftie88 Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 This is actually a really obvious thing to point out but i can not stress enough to all you guys who have just very recently broken up to try and avoid your ex's fb page, deleting mutual friends... and maintain no contact completely. Its just a huge set back, you constantly think about what they are doing and over analyze everything. And seriously, we don't want to become stalker-ish..... In my case, since we broke up in March after 2.5 yrs together, i had been checking up everyday to see how he was, keeping well etc thinking he was genuinely down about the break up as much as i was (maintaining very LC). He deleted me first because he didnt want to see when i moved on with someone new, funny how he was the first one to. However, I also thought deep down somewhere we would reconcile.. but then 2 months post break he was in another relationship, posting love songs, profile pics together, you name it. It was not till then did the reality of the break up hit me and i broke down completely and still now trying to overcome it. It knocks your confidence, you start to doubt yourself, compare and think if they ever truly loved you etc because they've moved on. Things between me and him are now very bitter, and thats something i do wish never happened.. but thats a whole other story. So disconnecting on fb, somewhat allows you to heal better. It might be childish and unnecessary in some cases, but where the dumpee (like myself) still is clinging on to hope etc its just not a good idea. Now that i have no clue what he is doing (we have since blocked each other on fb) i can say i have my mind at peace (much more than before at least) because what you cant see cant hurt you, and it allows you to move forward and take your mind off of them. With my first break up, when fb was not as prominent a few yrs ago, not knowing anything about what he was doing, now looking back helped so much. Its a slow process, but still not as bad as wondering what they're up to and checking their fb or other social networks. Hence conclusion is post break up, if you can remove your ex from fb (circumstances permitting) go for it, because you can focus on YOU and YOUR HEALING not them. random thought over.
Southofthebay Posted June 30, 2011 Posted June 30, 2011 Hey, if you see my post I'm kinda having this same issue. She took me off as her boyfriend from FB, but she still kept me as a friend? I don't get it. I spoke to her yesterday and she was so pissed, it had been 1 week and a half that I have been trying to get her back, unsucessful. So I plan to deactivate my account now, then activate it in a month, maybe she would have deleted me by then, or maybe not, who knows what I'll see when that time comes. But for sure, I can't sit around and look at her page like I have done about 5 times today. I really hope we get back together after all this, but by the way she was talking, it sounded like she was already in the arms of another guy and I was just pushing her into him. So, I guess.. yeah, I'm going to get a new facebook, so I can continue a social life, but stay away from her page(it's blocked so I wouldnt be able to see it on my new FB). I'm going to name it something she wont recognize. Eventually I'll activate it and see what's going on with her, and if it's even worth calling her after the month of NC. She said she'll let me know if she'll be ready for then, but I don't know.
MandyC18 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 i kinda agree with this but then i dont. when my ex and i broke up before (this was during our rocky times) i deleted him then readded him a few minutes later and he was so pissed. He was all like "wow you deleted me? you must have really cared" and more. I think deleting your ex is just as hard as not being with them. Although you need to focus on yourself its okay to have them as friends you can just block them if they start moving on and etc. I know i still go on my ex's page to see what new girls he's friends with etc but i still like having him in my life even if he's not in my life as my boyfriend..
Author Leftie88 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 Hey SouthofBay - i know how you feel especially with just not being sure about what to do. I'm definitely not one to dole out advice but if she is acting hostile maybe just take a step back too, give her the space and also allow yourself to come to terms with whats happened. I deactivated my account at some points too, but i thought why should i lose out talking to my friends still, so in the end i just cut off mutual contact, which for me was the right thing to do. I hope if anything, she can reduce the anger and be civil towards you. And let her contact you if thats what she said she would do, but don't wait around for it.. just try to distract yourself as much as you can, even though its all still raw. i wish you all the best! @ MandyC18 - hey yeh its not always recommended (in my case i was deleted), really its each to their own. its just the day he did finally move on with someone new, i just knew i had to stop all forms of contact and stop living in lala land so to speak.. i couldn't take seeing his new relationship and torturing myself almost.
thelovingkind Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 Here's a good tip that I'm sure people know but just in case you don't: On the news feed page you can stop individual people from having their posts show up by clicking the x that appears when you hover over their post. I don't necessarily recommend deleting the person as a friend (I personally enjoy being able to return to their page in the future and "see" them in a new light where they appear just like any other person and nothing they say can affect your emotions. It's a kind of final, triumphant step in the process of moving on.) But definitely, definitely get them the hell off your news feed in those early weeks! You do not want to be logging in to facebook and the first thing you see is an update from your ex where they appear breezy, carefree and enjoying single life. Agony.
Surf Rider Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 This is actually a really obvious thing to point out but i can not stress enough to all you guys who have just very recently broken up to try and avoid your ex's fb page, deleting mutual friends... and maintain no contact completely. Its just a huge set back, you constantly think about what they are doing and over analyze everything. And seriously, we don't want to become stalker-ish..... In my case, since we broke up in March after 2.5 yrs together, i had been checking up everyday to see how he was, keeping well etc thinking he was genuinely down about the break up as much as i was (maintaining very LC). He deleted me first because he didnt want to see when i moved on with someone new, funny how he was the first one to. However, I also thought deep down somewhere we would reconcile.. but then 2 months post break he was in another relationship, posting love songs, profile pics together, you name it. It was not till then did the reality of the break up hit me and i broke down completely and still now trying to overcome it. It knocks your confidence, you start to doubt yourself, compare and think if they ever truly loved you etc because they've moved on. Things between me and him are now very bitter, and thats something i do wish never happened.. but thats a whole other story. So disconnecting on fb, somewhat allows you to heal better. It might be childish and unnecessary in some cases, but where the dumpee (like myself) still is clinging on to hope etc its just not a good idea. Now that i have no clue what he is doing (we have since blocked each other on fb) i can say i have my mind at peace (much more than before at least) because what you cant see cant hurt you, and it allows you to move forward and take your mind off of them. With my first break up, when fb was not as prominent a few yrs ago, not knowing anything about what he was doing, now looking back helped so much. Its a slow process, but still not as bad as wondering what they're up to and checking their fb or other social networks. Hence conclusion is post break up, if you can remove your ex from fb (circumstances permitting) go for it, because you can focus on YOU and YOUR HEALING not them. random thought over. I agree 100% with you. It does heal and help. My ex left me after we dated a little over a year. I actually deleted my fb completely that way i don't see what is going on in her life or anybody's. Others may disagree with me, but deleting it completely helped me so much so i could focuse on ME, not her.
rsiowb711 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 I'm kind of going through this right now..me and my bf broke up on Wednesday, I deleted him first and all mutual friends because I knew if I didn't, seeing all his friends comment the changed relationship status would hurt. his profile is private so I can't see what he's doing and visa versa. but I gave in this afternoon and asked my friend to get on her facebook so I could see his because h forgot to delete her. and I should not have done that because what I saw broke my heart even more. he posted a status saying this was the worst feeling he's ever felt and all his friends commented it, saying it was my loss. and all these ignorant things when HE was the one who broke up with me..its killing me that I don't know anything that's going on with him but I know it'll be easier with time. but seriously, ignoralnce is bliss in this case. its soooo hard not to look though. so hard.
mtd4249 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 However, I also thought deep down somewhere we would reconcile.. but then 2 months post break he was in another relationship, posting love songs, profile pics together, you name it. Leftie88, I always think that if someone leaves a relationship and then quickly assembles themself in another relationship it means one of two things -- either they believe they will recover the happiness they had by finding someone else or use that someone else as a crutch (rebound relationship) or they were never fully invested in you because I know that if you truly, deeply loved somebody you cannot detach yourself quickly from those attachments and simply give that love to another person. @ thelovingkind -- good advice ... I did that nearly 6 months ago when my ex first left me. I didn't need to torture and constant reminder of what she was doing. I haven't deleted her and I'm not sure yet I ever will - but I do know (or at least expect) the day will come when I can look at her profile like (as you say) she is just another person and with complete indifference. This might take a long, long time since her and I were together for 16 years and the circumstances of the breakup ... but it can happen. My ex ex is proof ... she tracked me down on Facebook recently and I can look at her profile and photos of her with her husband and child with no emotion. But, that wouldn't have been the case in the immediate aftermath of the breakup but (as they say) time heals all wounds it seems!
andyg99 Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 a little off topic but it's kind of funny how technology now plays a big part in affairs of the heart! when I first divorced the net was in it's infancy and cell phones were too expensive (and big) to own! but this time when I became suspicious (with the same woman no less) I was able to figure out that she was flying to see her new "love of her life" this weekend by just 10 minutes of investigation on the net (including Facebook)... It allowed me to be proactive and ask her to leave - which she did... the very same morning on the day I found out we were talking about a wedding we were going to together in 2 weeks... so obviously she was planning on stringing me along until she could figure out if this new thing was going to work or not, and I'm sure if that didn't work it would be someone else... so thanks Internet! you allowed me to take charge and stop being a chump!
Author Leftie88 Posted July 1, 2011 Author Posted July 1, 2011 @mtd4249, thanks! yep, its either or..and in this case i choose to believe the latter that he was not fully invested in the relationship as i thought regardless of what he said. I think even thinking that he is on the rebound, still allows a glimmer of hope, and its just healthier to shut that down, and move forward as best as we can. Maybe one day i can look back and be completely indifferent, which is a day i really look forward to!
Southofthebay Posted July 1, 2011 Posted July 1, 2011 (edited) Hey, I got one question. My ex still has me added as a friend, why? I don't know. I'm sure if she was that mad she would have deleted me right after she changed her relationship status. I want to deactivate it, and I might I haven't made the decision. But what if in a week or two I put up a post of how I feel about the situation? The anger should be a bit calm by then, and probably reading something that is not directly sent to her phone or by message, kinda like reading my thoughts. I figured if she read something along the lines of "I've forgiven myself for what I did, I did make a mistake but I believe the consequences were not justified. If it was real true love then it is only our destiny to come back together, if it's not and another man has stepped in, then her heart wasn't mine to begin with. But I feel it is, our years together were strong, and our bond of purity with each other and history is stronger, I was her first and she was mine in many ways, but if she's willing to break that purity and see other men? then I don't want a person like that to begin with, what we have is literally one in a million. My door is open, how long? I don't know. Either way, I'm going to keep on living." Would that make her think a bit? in my direction? or the other direction. I was thinking of either posting this soon or maybe in two-three weeks. Before I call her from the 1 month of no contact. Btw, we are supposed to go out in about a month to see how we feel or if she's even up for going out. Would putting that as a post or note(maybe only visible by her) make the situation better? or worst? I actually want her to call me back, but I'll call her in about a month and ask her out at least as friends. I just feel I need to try anything before she takes the extra step and see's another guy, I can't be with her after that. Thanks, Edited July 1, 2011 by Southofthebay
mtd4249 Posted July 5, 2011 Posted July 5, 2011 @ Leftie88, sorry it took me so long to aknowledge your post. I went away for a few days to the city where my family live (and it happens to be the same city where my ex has moved to). In some ways a rebound leaves the door slightly ajar but only to the point that it's unlikely to work and then the ex comes crawling back. They kick us to the curb for what they perceive as their own benefit and without caring about us, and then when it doesn't work out they come back to base .... but, I could never look at that person the same, things would be awkward, I would never forget what they did and I would always know that they're capable of doing it again. It's better to start again, whether they're rebounding or were never fully invested. By the way, while I was away, I had an unbelieveable and unexpected moment .... it gave me so many answers and yet only 5 words in total were said. If you're interested to find out what this moment was, I posted here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t285566/ @ Southofthebay -- my advice would be not to post anything. Posting something on Facebook won't necessarily make her think .... it's like the cliche, you can lead a horse to water but can't make it drink. You can post this comment but she won't necessarily react the way you hope she will. The best way to get her thinking is to say nothing - NC.
rita1967 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 i know what you mean. my boyfriend and i have been broken up for a month now and the first thing i did was delete him as a friend along with most of our pictures. although i was trying to have some sort of willpower i found myself still checking his page about 5 times a day, just to see if his status updates would refer to me in anyway, but mostly in order to ensure that he was just as miserable as i was. we recently started talking again and i asked him to please put it on private so i couldn't see. he did and i do feel a bit better, i'd rather remain ignorant of what was going on. the last thing anyone wants to see is posts from someone else or pictures with someone else. if you're still on the talking level with your ex, ask them to kindly change their profile to private. if not, block completely no matter how hard it is. trust me, you'll save yourself a lot of stress and over-analyzation.
mtd4249 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 rita1967, I think you're right that deleting the ex as a friend on Facebook is the best option. Ironically, I haven't done this - in part, because I don't want to antagonize her before the property settlement is over. In the first few months after she walked out, I was checking her Facebook page several times a day to see if her wall posts would give me a clue about what was going on and I'd foolishly sit on chat hoping she would come online to talk. Lately, however, I've had no urge to look at her Facebook wall ... I just don't care what she's doing, saying or thinking anymore. I was thinking (as you said) that the last thing you want is to see pictures of your ex with someone else ... I also thought that it would be a soul destroyer to actually see her in person with another guy .... surprisingly, it actually happened -- did you see my story from the weekend on this post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t285566/ Take care
krifle04 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 My personal opinion... If you were dumped, you will come to believe that Facebook was invented by Satan, that it is pure evil and it's sole purpose is to torment you until you are in complete devastation and ruin. Truth! A few days after my breakup I had my friend sign on my fbook and "Hide" my ex. After only 3 weeks a friend called me and told me he had changed his prof picture to him and his new girl (x[) I didn't react, as I assumed he wanted me to. (Except for crying in my sister's arms) But after many days of being terrified of Facebook and seeing that picture, I had my friend sign back on and delete him completely. I also didn't want him to be able to see what I was up to everyday like he had been able to. If he wants to know what I'm up to he can pry it out of me, not have it at his disposal. I also hid his best friend. And told my friends that are still friends with him "DO NOT tell me anything you see on his fbook!" Has worked wonders. A friend of mine was dumped 3 or 4 months ago and still cries about and over-analyzes statuses and pictures her ex posts.
shortee143 Posted July 6, 2011 Posted July 6, 2011 I am not friends with my ex on facebook, however I see him all the time (mutual friend settings), so I know all about his new love life and what he is up too. BUT I have to say, even though I see him in person, I am happy to not be facebook friends. At first it was weird, but now it is a blessing in disguise. Sure I know more than I'd like, but I dont need to be tempted to look at his page, or analyze his statuses, etc. I got bummed tho when he untagged our pics gahhh...stupid facebook, it really does effect matters of the heart! damn thing!!
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